Seductress Pick: Jennifer Lawrence

Barely out of her teens and already a major force in the industry, it seemed strange for this burgeoning seductress to at first even to be considered for LionsGate's much awaited adaptation of the insanely successful runaway hit The Hunger Games. They were probably pulling for Ellen Page, or Kristen Stewart as strong, sensitive, and uniquely versatile Katniss Everdeen. The next big ingenue role in town, and no one saw it coming. But I have faith that J-Law will prove wrong even the biggest of nay-sayers. 

She came from virtual obscurity, and landed her big break just last year in Winter's Bone (2010) when playing the desperate but strong Ree, a girl who has literally nothing to lose, prowling around the Ozark mountains in chase after her phantom meth-maker father. It was bleak, depressing, and difficult, and yet everyone left asking themselves, who is that blonde girl and why am I suddenly obsessed with her? Subsequently the *seemingly* timid Jennifer received an Oscar nom, well deserved,  but NO ONE expected she's dress head to tow in a skin tight, backless, burnt-umber Calvin Klien number on the red carpet looking like the rogue baby of Marlene Dietrich and Jessica Rabbit. That's when she went form that new girl with major acting chops from that tiny movie that gets all of the oscar nominations and no wins to 'oh my god we need her in our film, no matter what. Call her agent like now.' 

She's dangerous but she is not a femme fatale, she's flirtatious, but she's not the 'other woman', she's elusive, but she tough as nails. This kind of confidence makes her the perfect candidate for seductress picks. It's great that I get to focus on an actress who from the time she was born to us on the screen, and has the ability to draw even the biggest skeptics in. We are always left guessing, and because we now expect her to wow us with something new, which she has in the upcoming Like Crazy (2011)  and the widely anticipated Hunger Games (2012) hopefully cementing her cult status and knocking K-Stew off her pedestal. People want to hire her, and when she appears in Maxim soaking wet and half naked in a compromising pose, it doesn't matter, because she appears so confident and intelligent that no one can touch her. She's looking she slated to start take over at an minute, oh and keep in mind she's like 19 years old. 

She is classically beautiful, curvy, long wavy dirty blonde hair and pail stark blue eyes, full lips and a husky sultry voice. But she's not afraid of changing it up and not always looking like a Florentine Botticelli statue. She's almost other-wordly. She is the aphrodite being born amidst a plethora of scripts and cameras, and in this chaos the eventuality will i hope be some unusual but perfectly fitting element in cinema that an industry doesn't understand, and yet can't live without. I think for this time, she's that anomaly that has always existed in the industry. The kind of versatility she is able to produce while keeping a concrete sense of her 'brand' is what makes a seductress. 

Edward and Bella make Vampire Babies for Tweens

I googled Twilight+sex and this is the picture they gave me. Lame.

OK seriously, what is it all about, Twi-hards? I'm actually asking. I'm very interested. Indulge my curiosity and explain why the sight of Edward Cullen with Summer Cranberry shade lipstick on, and massively styled unkempt hair wearing a woman's pea coat and emoting to the camera, breathing heavily, and snarling a lot has you hiccuping in your flowered lacy pink underpants?

Let me be honest, I watched the first Twilight (2008), in fact, I own it. I bought it when I was extremely hung over and feeling depressed along with an extra large order of chicken strips and a side of sour cream in my get-my-mind-off-things weekly package. It wasn't half bad. Sure, the whole time I was wondering who I would have cast instead of the horribly misguided choices Catherine Hardwicke and the nice people at Summit Entertainment and MTV Films made all across the board. But I really came into this whole thing as an objective novice, and now, no offense, I'm thinking about buying a gun. 

So I've been asking myself; am I missing something? Usually I can spot something sexual to write about in the most unlikely of places...example: 'The phallus symbol and castration theory of penguins in Happy Feet: the transgressive non-showing juxtaposed with the Anthony Weiner Scandal. Penguins and Anthony Weiner, you say impossible, I say nay! 

So I'm rather puzzled as to why the incendiary trifecta that is Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner have completely taken over and left everyone in the industry dead and bloody along the way. My only conclusion is that teenagers cannot nor should properly assess the labyrinthine craziness that is their raging hormones and exude it on the most unlikely subjects.

Teenagers have never been the end all be all judge in what is sexually appealing, especially teenage girls. They tend to judge based on a great deal of subconscious inhibitors which are understandable and forgivable, but I could not for the life of me understand exactly how they came to the conclusion that Edward Cullen was a fine piece of ass.

The characters themselves in each and every film grow more and more desperately anti-sexual to where it's laughable to consider that they even had appeal to begin with. There couldn't be less chemistry between those three if they were cartoons in a Tin Tin book. 

Therefore, can it be true? is anti-sexy sexy? Or maybe me being a grown up I require more adult man parts in my characters in order to be physically drawn to them. 

It's easy to see how much the executives at MTV Films desperately tried to make Twilight sexy and it blew up in their face, no pun intended. The aesthetic teetered between the stylized and the ridiculous. Considering before every take the costume designer on the film decided to shine Lautner up with an olive oil spritz, perk his nipples with ice cubes and took major scissors to his jeans.

And Cullen with his sultry lips and intimidating gaze, has about three lines in the whole film but who cares, because towards the end he dramatically rips off his shirt in slow motion like he's a parody fantasy sequence of himself in an SNL sketch. 

And let's not forget Bella with her nervous lip-biting, heavy exhaling, sad a-cups, and constant twitchy awkwardness. Was that ever sexy? I'm serious, even when we were teenagers, I don't think any dudes were jerking it to Debbie Downer. 

Here's what you should have done MTV Films: Henry Cavill as Cullen, Andrew Garfield as Jacob, and Felicity Jones as Bella. Boom! I just saved your franchise. 

But who cares if you're the critic's darling when your movie literally breaks the bank at the box office in every single unnecessary installment you shove down our throats every year? But this time it's different because we finally see them DOING IT! Really? Are you sure it's not going to be contrived and boring with stock sound effects of heavy panting and curtains and sheets flying about in a frenzy as the breeze gently blows the light from the candles just so we miss any graphic genitalia shots? It reminds me of that rule, I think it's from the show Friends, where if two actors are actually sleeping together in real life, then the sex on camera is going to be completely sans heat and intensity. Yeah, that was a given either way.
I think my main reason for being so unduly disappointed is that whilst watching through the first Twilight and half of the second one, I honestly expected it to turn into some kind of fetish classy soft core. It was so cheesy it seemed natural. Larry Flynt, if you're reading I implore you to do a version. I know how much you like to spoof what's hot in the now, and I don't think you'll find better material, who knows, R-Patz might be in to doing it himself. You could get Sasha Grey to do Bella, lure her in from early retirement. You really wouldn't have to re-do much, the film is already ripe for porn parody. I'd buy a ticket to that in a heartbeat. While I'll probably wait for Breaking Dawn parts I & II to come out on Netflix so I can enjoy them with a bottle of wine or six. 
It saddens me really, because the idea of Vampires is instantaneously sexual, it's a cinematic fetish, and to have it watered down and chewed up so clumsily and practically barfed out at an audience is really a shame. A little nuance and a better cast could have gone a long way.

Want to just skip the thing? Then read this hilarious Play-by-Play from Jezebel.

Play by Play of Breaking Dawn Part I

Filthiest SNL Sketches

SNL really started getting raunchy in the 90's. They did do the Lord and Lady Douchebags sketch back in the 70's, but if you want to talk about too hot for live TV, they've been getting away with murder lately, and it's fantastic. Let's hope the kids did go to bed before 11:30. Here are some of the filthiest the writers and cast of SNL have come up with through the years, that somehow slipped past the NBC censorship radar. 

The only sketch in SNL history to have an ice cream flavor named after it. Schweddy Balls could be one of the most brilliant to date. Anna Gasteyer and Molly Shannon do this parody on NPR shows called Delicious Dish, and in their third or fourth sketch when Alec Baldwin was hosting did a gag in which his name was Pete Schweddy, and his culinary speciality was these holiday dessert balls, much like doughnut holes. The big joke of course being all of the double entendres that were inescapable on a radio program from 'I can't wait to get my mouth around these balls' to 'do whatever you want to them ladies, my balls are here for your pleasure'. I was lucky enough to see this sketch when it first premiered and I remember the reaction to this day. Pandaemonium. Well deserved. 

This was another unforgettable double entendre sketch conceived by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.The host, Christopher Walken plays a Civil War commander named Colonel Angus. For those of you not in the know, when said over and over and in a southern accent begins to sounds an awful lot like 'cunnilingus'. Which of course leads to some hilarity in its play on words like 'I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus...he rubs me the wrong way' and 'Colonel Angus is an acquired taste'.

I don't think there's an actual name to this running sketch from the 90's with Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan as the horniest couple in the world that are always getting way too inappropriate in the most awkward settings, and when the poor outsider is turned on by it and decides to join in, they all of a sudden switch gears automatically and chastise said person for being perverted. 

The infamous canteen boy sketch that made Alec Baldwin a hit on the SNL hosting circuit and reminded all of us just how hairy he is. He plays some kind of scout master that takes advantage of a dim-witted kid who serves as the canteen boy for his troop. This was Adam Sandler's inspiration for his eventual waterboy character...which admittedly we could have all done without. 

Kenan Thompson has been an inspired addition to the SNL institution since 2003, and this is one of his funniest and filthiest characters. Done in the commercial parody formula, Grady Wilson's 'Burnin' Up the Bedsheets' is a hilarious take on some of the most improbable sex positions imaginable. 

This sketch is known unofficially as 'Kissing Family'. Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig play the parents to Bill Hader's college kid character who kiss each other just a little too much, which leads to groping, nibbling, and full on ogling. It's very gratuitous, but also very funny.

Straw Dogs, Rubber Men

Ha! Fooled ya, you thought you were going to see a blog post about the Kate Bosworth/Alexander Skarsgård/ James Woods fiasco from last year you're wrong!...and stupid. The original Straw Dogs directed by Sam Peckinpah in 1971 may be the most evil film ever made. Filthy, raunchy, and downright shocking in the purest sense of the word, it recently has been completely butchered by bored Hollywood executives that are strapped for material and have nothing better to do. I want to talk about it for a bit, because I don't believe this new version to be a Star Trek kind of phenom where it's a reboot for a younger generation, and don't even get me started on Footloose, but I think this honestly tries at...something...not sure what yet but I'll try to figure it out when I see it after getting blind drunk and wondering to myself, should I go sledding down the concrete streets of LA or go home and watch the new Straw Dogs? 

A Scene of Serenity

For those of you born in the 90's, first of all go fuck yourselves, second of all, you haven't lived until you've experienced a Sam Pickinpah film, and yes this is my slow way of destroying all of society. In the 70's people clearly tolerated that kind of thing, but now a days, I think the whole world would crumble on itself. Filmmakers like Peckinpah don't come around every millennium and he has sadly been dismissed as a tawdry, filth-monger who functions for shock-value and i'm thinking, well, what's wrong with that?? That's cinema last time I checked from the glory days of pre-code Hollywood, to King Vidor, to even Orson Welles. That's tradition, and that's what we really want...small problem though. Peckinpah's penchant for violence did him in, in the end. Even in the 70's when we wanted everything as gritty and realistic as possible, a 12-minute rape scene was too much, and it still is. 

Let's back track and explain the plot. 

A Scene of Violence

Dustin Hoffman pretty much plays himself, a low-key quirky, nerdy mathematician of sorts that moves to a small town in the English country-side for his beautiful 21-year-old blonde and bra-less wife played by Twiggy look-alike and ballsy British actress Susan George. They meander about town, trying to start a new family life, but a few problems get in their way, Amy (George) and David's (Dustin Hoffman) marriage is on solid ground but there isn't much romance involved, which upsets the former of the two and she turns her attention harmlessly as it were to the old blokes she used to hang with that are the antithesis of her new husband; they are rough, fowl mouthed, hard drinking, and much, much more 'macho'. The tension culminates in one of them who it is later revealed was Amy's former boyfriend assaults her and in a slow-motion violent and deeply disturbing rape scene has his way with her, which she eventually accepts and ends up getting off on. But instead of telling David, she wants to see if he will 'be a man' about the whole matter which crescendos to their house being under siege by many of the locals most of them friends of Amy's assailant. This provides the ultimate opportunity for David to prove himself as a man; not by making love to his wife when she asks for it, not for standing up for her honor when the towns folk whistle at her as she walks by, and not even by saving her life, but becoming engaged in the same kind of radical violence their enemies convey. David and his wife are now trapped in their own home, and the only thing logical for him to do, is fight fire with fire.Peckinpah lulls you into a false state of security and then rips your head off, it's what he does best. You think at worst, there will be like a fist fight, or some words exchanged, or someone will break an empty beer bottle over someone's head but it won't shatter into a million pieces that get lodged in someone's skull...how wrong you are.

Peckinpah builds such tension, but also has no problem with jabbing you in throat violently with the truth, it's a brilliant combination complete with extended marauding stares and buckets of blood. And though Straw Dogs is his crowning achievement, it will do you good...or bad...for you to do some further research.

A Few Best Men - Australia's Version of The Hangover

you can tell they mean trouble because one of them is already drinking out of the bottle.

Tonight, I went to a screening of Stephan Elliot's new film A Few Best Men (2012). Lest you forget, he directed the comically brilliant Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994), and we haven't really heard from him since, unless you were one of the 5 people that saw Easy Virtue (2008). The director introduced the film by saying that it had all three 'B's'...bestiality, blow, and bum-fucking. So I was in for a treat. Usually that kind of college-humor gives me a good chuckle, as it did with this, but I couldn't help thinking how this film was pretty much Australia's version of The Hangover (2009). It involves a group of British boys that come to Australia to marry off one of their mates to an Aussie daughter of a senator. It's virtually identical to the instant classic from two years ago, except the jokes were re-written for an Australian/British sensibility and sense of humor, just didn't work.

Xavier Samuel plays the British version of Justin Bartha, a boyishly handsome unfortunate who desperately wants to get married to the girl of his dreams, even though ridiculous circumstances seem to constantly get in his way, hissy fits and comically overdone sunburn included. Character actor and British goof ball with a dangerous side Kris Marshall is Bradley Cooper's counterpart; he's too cool for school, taller and cuter than every one else and always seems to have his shit under control. Then there's the chubby trouble maker-awkward-creepy-in-an-endearing-way scene stealing character originated by the incomparable Zach Galifianakis, played in this version by Kevin Bishop, not nearly as precociously nor amusingly. But I guess fat people getting into improbable shenanigans is funny in all countries. Instead of having a certain amount of time to get a tiger back to Mike Tyson's mansion, the group of rag tag drunks, coke heads, and sexually frustrated misfits has only a certain amount of time to get a prized ram back to it's stable house and get the lipstick of it...long story...and really not too interesting.

There's a lot of bare asses, shit jokes, and excessive and unrealistic drug consumption...oh and Olivia Newton-John is there too, but sadly all of these elements fell flat on their face. I'm not one who cringes easily but my dinner was slowly and gradually making it's way up my wind pipe. I was more frustrated than anything, because I hate it when a film promises dirty jokes and doesn't deliver. There's only so much of a man sticking his full arm up a sheep's ass I can stomach. I think this film tried to be raunchier than The Hangover but it fell short ironically. Mishaps at weddings are a great sub-genre, but the mother of the bride getting loaded on cocaine and hitting on the groom is small beans next to the wedding band playing 'candy shop' in their most disgusting undertones with a jazz beat.

There is of course the element of the crazed up drug dealer from whom the protagonists have stolen who chases them down through the film, and in this case, no one one-ups Ken Jeong. So i'll just leave it at that. See it if you must, but I wasn't crazy about it, it was pretty predictable, and filth wise, it was a bore.

Top 10: Sexiest Marilyns

I said it before, and I'll just reiterate, I am not too excited about the two new bio-pics about Marilyn Monroe, one of which was just released at NYFF and Mill Valley Film Festival called My Weekend With Marilyn with Michelle Williams in the lead. You can read my post regarding what I think of all of it here. 

Accept No Substitutes

Without getting too serious or uppity about it, I know everyone is starting to Netflix the films of Marilyn Monroe so they have something to compare Michelle Williams' and later Naomi Watts' performances to. I'll be the first to say this, not all of Marilyn's films are gems of cinema. Some are quite dull, but she did work with some of the best directors in the business, among them: Billy Wilder, Otto Preminger, George Cukor, and John Huston, but no one was more of a loyal ally to her than the camera. Lame alert: Whether in black & white or technicolor, Marilyn cemented her status as the undisputed quintessential sex symbol. She's pretty much it folks, that's where the bar is, and no one since has yet raised it, and I don't expect many will. Please enjoy the following list of performances I believe to be her most seductive, sultry, pouty, finessed, plunging, fierce, and memorable. Everyone and their mother can take lessons on being a woman from them. Enjoy! 

10. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953) dir. Howard Hawks
Marilyn plays the dimwitted but lovable Lorelei Lee, a showgirl and gold digger that sets off on a cruise ship adventure with her partner in crime and fellow showgirl played by Jane Russell. 

9. The Prince and the Showgirl (1957) dir. Laurence Olivier
The process of making the film is what My Week with Marilyn is based on. Marilyn plays again...a showgirl named Elsie who seduces Laurence Olivier's stuffy prince character. 

8. Let's Make Love (1960) George Cukor
Marilyn sings 'My Heart Belongs to Daddy' in a tight sweater and black panty hose. Done. 

7. The Asphalt Jungle (1950) dir. John Huston
This is a bit part for Marilyn, she was about 24, it was her first film, made right before All About Eve (1951). She plays much younger mistress to the main character who has a way of getting what she wants no matter what and not using too much effort to get it. 

6. Bus Stop (1956) Joshua Logan
This is a really beautiful film, the first Marilyn made after studying under Lee Strassberg at the Actor's Studio. She plays a down and out small time waitress/entertainer at a seedy nightclub named Cherie who get's coerced into marrying a young enthusiastic stud but wants nothing of him. There's a pretty provocative-for-the-times scene with her naked in bed. That's Netflix incentive right there. 

5. River of No Return (1954) dir. Otto Preminger
This is one of my favorite films not just of Marilyn's but completely. Preminger + Robert Mitchum = awesome. It's a scientific fact. Marilyn almost doesn't look like herself in this one, wearing a long flowing wig and donning bone corsets and pantalettes. She's almost magical in this film, completely out of her element but it works. 

4. Some Like it Hot (1959) dir. Billy Wilder
If you haven't seen this film, well I just feel sorry for you. It consistently tops best-of lists and critic's pics, and is considered widely to be the best comedy of all time. Marilyn is Sugar Cane, an unlucky-in-love ukelele player in an all-girl's jazz band during the prohibition era who befriends Tony Curtis and Jack Lemon in drag running from gangsters, it's a beautiful farce. Oh and she wears dresses that barely cover her nipples for most of it. 

3. The Seven Year Itch (1955) dir. Billy Wilder
Another Billy Wilder classic and the film that gave us Marilyn's infamous up-skirt scene, which ironically was cut out and reshot to where the skirt barely went over her knees while originally it went pretty much over her head. She plays a nameless upstair's neighbor of the every-man character that Tom Ewell portrays who tempts him into cheating on his wife while she's away for the Summer. Marilyn has never filled out a strapless dress quite like this. Makes me want champagne and potato chips every time. 

2. The Misfits (1961) John Huston
Written for her by her husband at the time Arthur Miller, this film proved to be a full on disaster. Marilyn's antics were by now legendary as well as her co-star Montgomery Clift's. She is said to have hated the role that so well imitated her real life. She played Rosalind, a woman who captures the hearts of three drifter cowboys and strives to keep her demons at bay as she starts a new life. 

1. Niagara (1953) dir. Henry Hathaway
Marilyn plays evil and scheming femme fatale Rose Loomis the much younger wife of George Loomis (Joseph Cotton) who convinces her new boyfriend to murder her husband. But all of that really doesn't matter. There is this pink dress that she wears in one scene where all the young cats at the hotel at Niagara Falls are having a drink and dancing. She walks out and asks one of them to play her record, then she sings along in a sultry voice to 'Kiss'. It's almost too much.  

New Article for Tootit.com

Picking Up Younger Women at Nightclubs

Jesse Pinkman: Everyone's Favorite Bad Boy

Remember that one guy you dated back in High School that your mom always warned you about, that you eventually broke up with because his room smelled like bong water, his parties were always on the seedy side, and he wore a beanie hat in July? Aaron Paul's character on Breaking Bad really makes me regret that I ever broke up with that one guy. When I first started watching the show, firstly I was absolutely amazed, it's actually the most brilliant show on TV right now, secondly I found myself wondering 'where did this guy Aaron Paul come from? He's fantastic!' His character personifies the perils of crystal meth but ultimately desperately makes me want to try it, just kidding. But he does ignite that urge to find a bad boy that I've been suppressing for forever and the day. 

Let's face it ladies, even if you were raised in a multi-million dollar mansion a la Lisa Vanderpump (if you don't get this reference you completely suck), play polo on the weekends, and have LaCrosse trophies lining your bedroom wall, you totally have bad boy fetish. 

When I was growing up and discovering boys, none of them had long hair, tribal tattoos, and goatees. No, they all looked like Jesse Pinkman, pale face, sunken in but intense eyes, scrawny and generally unkempt appearance, but could kiss you so passionately your eyes rolled back in your head. They always hung out at the end of the hall near the gym, smelled like cigarettes, and looked at you like they could care less. And you totally swooned. 

But Jesse Pinkman is so much more than that. His character arc on the show is perhaps even more fascinating than it's protagonist, Walter White (Bryan Cranston), the frustrated high school chemistry teacher who's existential crisis following a terminal cancer diagnosis steers him into crystal meth production and distribution. 

Aaron Paul as Jesse Pinkman in a touching moment with his season 2 girlfriend and co-conspirator Jane (Krysten Ritter)

In a show that is so violent, dark, and gritty, Pinkman is given a really touching and sincere romantic arc that shows off Paul's versatility as an actor. In the season 4 finale that premiered this passed Sunday, Paul cemented his status as one of the best in the business right now. He as Pinkman can be ruthless and loving at the same time, scheming and gentle, harsh and yet tender. It's a beautiful thing, and that's the kind of dimensionality that truly makes a bad boy we can all yearn for. 

This is not True Blood ladies, there's no gratuitous sex, nudity, or thrusting on this show, and yet Aaron Paul shines through as a unique and prowler sex symbol. He could be the most unconventional type for that label, and perhaps that's what makes him so appealing. 

He's a skinny, short, temperamental, sarcastic, smart ass who wears oversized Death Metal tees, baggy pants, and peddles meth for a living. He never finished high school nor read a Jane Austin book. He yells a lot and has a pretty serious addictive personality, and yet he's the only thing that haunts my fantasies in bed at night. 

He's proof that the status quo for sex symbols is in the midst of a pretty serious transformation. Take a back seat Alexander Skarsgård, with your 6'4 frame, silky wavy blonde locks, and perfectly tanned skin. I'm sure there are many covers of lady's romance novels you could grace, but make room for the new decades new bad boy. He's someone we've all met at one point or another and perhaps even dated, and now he's come back to taunt us in a taught and profound series that if you don't watch you really need to. 

Seductress Pick: Rob Lowe

No I don't have things mixed up, I feel I really have to talk about Rob Lowe and his quest to find his inner goddess. He is hands down one of the most beautiful things ever put on this earth to torture us regular folk, and retains a level of...i don't know how else to put this...softness. He has a relentless androgynous   appeal, which keeps him somewhat effeminate but in a good way. It doesn't make him any less of a man, in fact, i believe it makes him even more appealing, if that's even possible, and now breaching his late-mid-40's, he's getting even better.
In terms of filthy behavior, this guy has a gold medal. He's made a sex tape with himself and two drunk chicks, been accused of sexually harassing a nanny that works with his kids, and had simulated sex with Demi Moore in an old-timey bathtub. But in the midst of behaving like a world class cad, he's single handedly giving us more reasons to watch television more than the writers of Saturday Night Live. From The West Wing, to Brothers & Sisters, to now Parks and Recreation, Mr. Lowe is just as riveting as he was 20 years ago with feathered hair and lip gloss in St. Elmo's Fire.
From the tabloids, we can discern that he is a horny dirty man, but he's the prettiest piece of tail this side of John Hughes' movies. He's never grown a filth beard nor gained any chub weight that went straight to his tits, he's remained a consummate master of cinematic eye-candy, with loathsomely perfect features and a devastating bod. Any woman who comes into the misfortune of acting opposite Rob Lowe knows that he's going to be the lovelier of the two. That's what makes a seductress. Garbo, Dietrich, Monroe, and now...Lowe. His skin is soft, his eyes, sparkling with longing, his lips, pouty and doughy, those kind of lips you just want to gently nibble on because they look like they taste like candy, and his general demeanor connotes something that you just want to hug nakedly until the end of time. God gave us a gift everyone just enjoy it. 

Louis CK - Filth Poet

Louis CK is a Filth profet. He's the Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart of Filth. His jokes are so deliciously and profoundly filthy that it boggles the mind as to how I've not written about him sooner. My favorite stand-up comedian for going on 3 years now, with a show about his newly single life which premiered last year on FX (Louie), Louis CK is completely unhinged, cynical, and just fucking dirty! 

His attitudes towards the opposite sex, romance, fucking, and other depressing aspects of life give new meaning to the term 'dirty jokes'. The thing is, his jokes are so organic and sincere that the humor just flows inadvertently out of them because of the visceral imagery he paints with an unmistakable filthy candidacy. And even though on his show he's obviously censored for television and has to take it easy on his choice of words, and yet he still manages to cram plenty of filth into everyday situations and I can do nothing but commend him for it and bow at the alter that is Louis CK. 

Here is a clip from his stand-up that illustrates the brilliance of his filth. While you're at it, Netflix is streaming one of his stand up acts Chewed Up and the first season of Louie. Bravo sir. Bravo. 

Saddest Hand-Job In America