CNN Should Take Cues From Bravo When it Comes to Debates

If the increasingly boring debates are starting to get to you, worry not. Cable networks would never leave you without options. There's always palpable tension, name-calling and general disagreements having all over the place, you just have to know where to look. The 4th Season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey had it's reunion special spread over three weeks and you better be sure they packed enough punches 'cunts' and sparkles into the Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa that would distract the most undecided and clueless voter. 

My advice? Turn off the CNN because Chris Matthews' voice and forehead are both so overbearing and aesthetically offensive and start following Andy Cohen on twitter and DVRing every Bravo show out there.

aesthetically, the Real Housewives is very similar to the debate. I prefer these fabulous couches rather than podiums though.

Bravo exists in a universe where elections, wars, recessions, and general things that the normal person tends to think about don't exist and never have. You ask the average housewife to tell you who the vice president of the country was (which actually happened, on season 3) between the four of them, they won't be able to give you a cohesive answer aside from 'that grey haired guy!'

Bravo is the simplest most profound form of escapism that exists today. That's right, put down the heroin needles and throw away those overpriced tickets to Six Flags, because you can just tune into Bravo on any given day and see what the Top Chefs are up to when they're not competing in basically a gladiatorial version of cooking against each other. 

Bravo has also elevated fighting and verbal jousting into nothing less than an art form. You want to see people argue? It's not going to be at the debate. It's on channel 48, 9pm Eastern Standard Time. Unlike what's expected at the presidential debate, the Bravo reunion specials are usually so outlandish that there's never anything to expect, except walk offs, the occasional hair pulling, and a lot of throwing around the word 'goddamn bitch' and variations of that like 'cunt bitch' 'slut bitch' 'bitch queen' and 'I'll kill your stupid bitch face'. If only Romney and Obama were allowed to talk to each other like that, or at least CNN would put Michelle and Ann in a room together with no windows and some cameras rolling, I'm sure it would be up to par with a Real Housewives reunion in a matter of seconds. Classy ladies have a breaking point too. 

Inner monologue of both: Why thank you, I am more awesome.

 Though Candy Crowley proved to be the most interesting moderator of the entire election, she still can't hold a candle to Andy Cohen who will gladly hold down a housewife as she tries to backhand him to get to her adversary but then toast champagne with her in the next scene. If you ask me, he should have been a moderator at one point, I'm sure somewhere in the back of his mind piled up under confetti and pictures of naked bartenders is that tiny wish to go full on serious journalism a la Anderson Cooper. I mean, the guy can't get enough of making it all about himself no matter how insane the action around him gets. 

Let's face it, how many undecided voters are actually out there, and do any of the debates actually affect our opinion. We're just waiting for that moment where Obama does his little 'booyah' facial expression and pulls out the subtle swag to trip shaky dis-human Romney up on an asinine accusation. And after that, we're waiting for the next SNL cold open to lampoon it. None of us actually care or follow what is being said, be honest. I'm still casting my vote for Obama, and no amount of cat fighting goes on at mid-level university auditoriums is going to affect that. If you want to see some serious passive-aggressive drama and palpable tension manifested in sly backdoor insults, change the channel to Bravo and catch it all.

Below some clips. 

Boy if drama for the white house was only this interesting.

Like we need more opinions from Chris Matthews, and why does he insist on yelling them at us?

Couples Therapy?

Courtney Stodden and 'husband' Doug Hutchinson on the therapist's couch, or as I like to call it, the media whore couch.

I've never gone to couples therapy. I don't think I would make it, I'd probably never let the other person talk. At least that's what always happened when mommy and I went to therapy. First of all, it's kind of hard to imagine that any psychiatrist would forgo their hypocratic oaths and vows of silence in terms of doctor-patient confidentiality and have it recorded for all the world to see on a cheesy cable network, but apparently that's what's happened. You hear that world? nothing is sacred anymore. Give up now. 

And who should be the epicenter of yet another one of VH1's failed experiments along the lines of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew? Why none other than cradle robbing perv who had that one awesome role in that really great movie 15 years ago, Doug Hutchinson and his child bride of 16, hyper-sexed, big bosomed, so-dumb-it-should-be-illegal walking Barbie doll, Courtney Stodden. I smell desperation for ratings! Also, desperation for an extra 15 minutes but that goes without saying.  

Obviously, I mean, these two people need therapy like nobody's business. They also need shirts without holes and a divorce lawyer, but they're milking this sad, sad cow for all it's worth, and apparently it's not worth much more than a mediocre time slot. 

On the show, the two do what they do best - whore it up.

I'm also pretty positive that the shrink on the show is actually not an certified therapist and just some actress they dug up from VH1's unending well of blonde extras to sit there and ask the hard but obvious questions to Courtney that none of us are dying to know such as 'were you molested as a child? Because you seem obsessed with sex', like no one has linked nymphomania to sexual trauma in childhood before, thank you doctor. 

Anyway, usually I'm all over broadcasting bullshit like this, but even this is too low for me. I mean it's worse than Honey Boo Boo, yes I just said that. First of all, Mr. Hutchinson should be in jail... because he's a child molester. Let's call a spade a spade. And Courtney, well I don't know run her out of town or get thee to the nunnery! She needs to get the oil off her tits and study, last time I checked we're in a recession. This show is just a whirlwind of stupid with a pretty good chance of sad. Watch it if you must, but I guarantee you're going to get sick of Courtney's half-dresses pretty damn quick, not to mention her face, voice, and generally everything about her.

Below great Jezebel article that basically explains the jist of this nonsense. 

Couples Therapy: Courtney Stodden Isn’t as ‘Rill’ as She Purports

Below, Courtney and Doug's introduction in the show. Aaaaaaand barf bag.

Ode to a Super Man

Let's face it, the Brits are totally kicking our ass in the hottness Olympics. In terms of cuisine, insidious imperialism, and relevant music, we've still got it going on, but lately, it's just no contest. You put our hottest export (mmmmmmmMatt Damon?) and put him against their hottest export (probably Henry Cavill) it's no contest. And I'm speaking strictly in the respect that makes women lost their minds rather than anything that actually matters, like acting chops, and philanthropy and other such nonsense.

Now American women already lose their effing minds every time a British man opens his mouth and speaks because it sounds like a million times more sophisticated than anything American men say to us, even if the content of what he's saying is 'I'm going to cut off your mother's head and mount it on my wall'.

Now they've planted Henry firmly into the Hollywood idiom, having him play probably the greatest American Icon of the 20th century, and yes I am all for that shit. Two please, and popcorn. 

Cavill on the set of Man of Steel (2013)

Let me just explain this phenom to you. It's Henry Cavill, who is literally the most beautiful perfect man on celluloid, maybe of all time, I'm not sure. I mean when Leonardo DaVinci was drawing the perfectly symmetrical male, he didn't know it, but he was prophesying that one day, one such messiah would appear in the universe, and you put him in RUBBER, I mean that's a recipe for the end of the world via a billion orgasms occurring at once. I watched The Immortals (2011) this morning in my underpants, eating lasagna in bed, because that's how I like to absorb information, and my Jewish god, it's almost unfathomable. 

ok, awwwwwww.

What first turned me on to Cavill was when I was watching The Tudors (2007 - 2010) almost religiously (don't give me shit, it's a good show people!) where he plays Charles Brandon, 1st Duke of Suffolk, and the king's right hand man and an alpha male in his own right. The entire main plot of the show went right out the window for me, you know all of the wife murdering, and sex, sex, sex, and more wife murdering. I started to watch that show just to see Cavill strut his stuff in Elizabethan collars.

And now the time has come. Lady porn has reached its pinnacle and soon we will all be treated to him as the buff, skin-tight suit wearing, sensitive yet dorky, perky-nippled Superman, and hopefully the world will still be around as the film comes out in 2013. I mean, that's why I continue living. 

Trailer below. It's pretty ambiguous. 

The Most UnSexy Bio-Pic Portrayls and Who Should Have Been Cast Instead

I'm sorry, I'm still not over Lilo being cast as Elizabeth Taylor and now that I have to stomach driving past a mile-high billboard of her as Liz in down sunset and try to make breakfast from coming up, I'm going to give you some more examples of shitty casting in Hollywood obviously by idiots who have never seen a movie made with the subject of their respective bio-pic therefore resort to stunt casting in order to make desperate dollars off an unassuming public. Someone please start getting it right, it's getting ridiculous. There are only a few examples here, there are so many but I don't want to go too far back or spew my resentment all over the place, so I'm just leaving you with 6.

Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh in the upcoming bio-pic Hitchcock (2012). Dear Scarlett is not nearly as 'pointy' as Janet Leigh, and her voice is far too low. This is a good example of being-cast-for-your-rack-casting, I think this is an enormous misfire. No one is going to envision Janet Leigh with someone like Scar-Jo who shouldn't be doing ANY bio-pics.

Who Should Have Been Cast: Emma Stone. Not only does she look like Janet Leigh, I'm under the firm impression that Emma Stone can do anything.

 

Ben Affleck as George Reeves. This was just a hot mess in every direction. Hollywoodland (2006) was an awful film, mainly because Adrien Brody was in it, but Ben Affleck as the very first superman really crawled under my skin and planted a cancer in it.

If you could recast this today, this is basically an obvious choice, that is to hired Armie Hammer who is not only versatile and interesting, he also basically looks a lot like George Reeves, and he's reminiscent of 50's movie stardom much more than Ben Affleck who sadly is stagnant to his own time.

James Franco as James Dean. This was a misfire and a half. Rather than get to the iconic hypersexualized states of Dean, Franco (of course) sought out to bring about the intellectual 'serious actor' side of Dean, and lets face it, none of us were interested in that. The movie flopped, predictably. 

Who should be recast today? Aaron Taylor Johnson. I know that no one is interested in any more takes on James Dean, but I think this would be an interesting choice. They are about the same age, and let's face it, Aaron knows how to brood.

Sienna Miller as Edie Sedgwick. This never made sense to me and no one is a bigger Edie fan than I am. Aside from the film being poorly written and constructed, Miller was all wrong for the part. She was older, British, she didn't look anything like her or sound anything like her. You can only put pantyhose and thick black eye-liner on someone so much but it still looks like a cheap Halloween costume.

Ellen Page would have been perfect, she's definitely got that bulnerability factor, she's petite, and she looks a lot like Edie if you just tweek the hair and make up a bit. I think this would have been a far superior choice.

Just for shits and giggles lets do Sienna again in her role as Tippi Hedren in her performance in the new HBO film The Girl (2013) opposite Toby Jones as Alfred Hitchcock. Oy Vey. Again, what is the appeal here exactly, and has anyone ever seen Tippi Hedren? Seriously.

I think something as troubling as this HBO movie which is clearly riding the coattails of that other Hitchcock film I was telling you about would be vastly improved by the casting of Maggie Grace (you might remember her as that whiny bitch Shannon from the TV juggernaut Lost (2004-2010). But she could definitely encapsulate that icy-blonde persona of Tippi and really bring it full circle.

And let's cap this off with the casting decision that deeply affected all of us for the rest of our lives. The studio executives were clearly smoking something when they decided casting Lindsay Lohen, la trainwreck terrible as cinematic icon Elizabeth Taylor, and judging by the promo photos that have been coming out and that new ridiculous trailer for Liz and Dick (2012) it seems like it will indeed be a barf fest.

Who should have been cast instead? Isn't it obvious? Not only does Lilly Collins look almost identical to a young Elizabeth Taylor, she's right about the correct age. I mean Lindsay is the right age too but because of all the cocaine and drinking binges she looks about 45. Lilly aesthetically appeals as Elizabeth Taylor way more than anyone else, forget Lindsay for the moment, I mean she should be at the tippy top of the list. Hollywood execs seriously need to stop smoking crack. Period.

Below some trailers regarding this bullshit.

The Master is the Gayest Movie You'll See All Year

Just warning you, this is written assuming those who read it have seen the film already, so I'm giving a lot away, don't like it? Don't give a shit. I had this overwhelming sense of dread while walking into the theater, you know the kind you get from knowing you're walking into an over-hyped art-for-art-sake long-as-shit-for-no-reason film that all the snooty critics can't stop buzzing about? Remember when we paid money to see Tree of Life (2011)? It was that kind of dread.

Paul Thomas Anderson has always been a hit or miss kind of director to me, and this was definitely a miss. The only thing I could find to justify this clumsy misfire, is to look at the homoerotic angle in the film, which to me was very prevalent, but everything is gay to me. Anyway, it's an interesting angle to think about and has been mentioned in quite a few reviews on the film, and anyone with more than two braincells clicking away upstairs is sure to catch it.
I kept thinking about what Gore Vidal said to William Wyler while in pre-production for Ben-Hur (1959). He was disconcerted writing the script as he basically deduced that there wasn't enough in the plot to make it a 2 and a half hour long movie; A Jew and a Roman used to be friends, now they disagree on politics and fight. That's barely interesting as far as he was concerned so he suggested that the two main characters played by Charleton Heston (Ben-Hur) and Stephen Boyd (Messala) were lovers, and the conflict between the two of them was actually because Messala wanted to start the relationship back on and Ben-Hur wasn't interested. Throwing sex into the mix always makes it more interesting. And hey, it ended up working didn't it?
Here's the dirt on The Master (2012). Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) is a plethora of mental disorders. He's bipolar, manic, borderline, and he's an alcoholic and a sex addict. H has PTSD, ADHD, OCD, so basically he's beseeched by acronyms. Ergo, he's brilliant fodder for 'The Cause', the Scientology-esque movement sprung from the mind of Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman) who takes an instant liking to him, and takes him under his wing. 

Lancaster Dodd (PSH) posing in a picture Freddie (Joaquin Phoenix) takes of him. it's one of the most intimate parts in the whole movie as Freddie gently adjusts Dodd's hair with the tip of his fingers and the two men stare deeply into each other's eyes and then it's back to business.

As the relationship develops between the two of them, we learn their most depraved secrets, particularly those of Freddie, who is a much more developed, nuanced character than that of Dodd. It seems as though every woman in his life has abandoned him from his mother to his child-bride, and now he unsuccessfully strives to find wholeness in empty marathon fuckfests that always end up being his undoing. Dodd, sensing his self-destructive nature makes Freddie engage in a series of depracating and humiliating tasks or 'tests' based on the teachings of 'The Cause', and in the emotional climax of one in particular Freddie exclaims 'I can leave anytime I want to but I choose to stay!' and the entire audience is left wondering; 'um, why exactly?' PT Anderson never actually reveals the answer. This is a director who's fear of not being subtle enough yields the exact opposite, it's too subtle to the point of being confusing. To me, the answer was very clear - he stays because he's in love with Dodd. It's an intense, adult kind of love and affection that of which he had never achieved in the past, and he allows it to consume him.
In turn, in the last scene (I told you, if you haven't seen it, don't read this) when Dodd invites Freddy to England (or perhaps he doesn't and Freddie dreams the invitation, that's never made clear either) he sings to him; 'I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China...all to myself alone' the rest of the lyrics go something like 'get you and keep you in my arms evermore', basically spelling out to Freddie that he loves him too. Both men cry because they are aware that whatever it is they had is over forever despite their best efforts. 

Amy Adams plays the almsot terrifyingly controlling wife of Dodd who always seems to have something to say or do against Freddie, and almost always has an strong opinion to assert.

Also, from the beginning, there is a wedge driven between the two by Dodd's wife, Peggy (Amy Adams). She makes her presence in Dodd's life, particularly his sexual life perfectly clear when she for lack of better terms, jacks him off, whilst telling him how bad Freddy is for The Cause, asserting her sexual prowess over him. She increasingly becomes more and more hostile towards Freddie as she feels her influence over Dodd dwindling and becomes threatened and resentful by his position in their life together. And the entire time you're watching her you're wondering why exactly is she such a shrewish bitch, and it's because she's jealous of the love those two men share for each other. It's actually pretty simple. 
So basically, what I'm saying is The Master is not an exposé on Scientology, nor is it a character study, nor is it a mental-masturbation all over the audiences face in 72 mm, though that was my initial opinion of the film. It's a love story between two broken society outcasts looking in desperate confusion for answers and solutions to their ever present loneliness. In that sense it's rather beautiful, but then again, I'm not sure at all if that was PT Anderson's intention all along. I'd like to think so because that's the only redeeming quality the film has. 

Below is the ridiculous 3 minute trailer that basically shows you the entire film and saves you $12.50 

 Below, that Gore Vidal thing I was talking about - 

 

Jersey Shore Has Done The Unthinkable - It Got Boring!

Tracking the new tattoos on the male cast members is not as interesting as I thought it would be.

What is the point of this season (premiered on October 4th, 2012) exactly? Snooki is pregnant, Situation is sober, and Vinny is celibate? Am I watching a Monks of 18th Century Europe? I mean what the fuck is going on? No more smushing? No more falling down in bars, no more accidental/totally on purpose flashing of vagina everywhere? That was the very essense of everything beautiful of Jersey Shore and now it's all gone! Congrats MTV, now nothing happens on your damn show that no one liked to begin with. In the words of Joel McHale 'Apologize bitches!'

Dina cries every two seconds about her boyfriend who is right in front of her face, and Pauly D doesn't use any obnoxious catchphrases anymore, and JWoww has turned into set dressing. Who am I missing...oh yes. Ron and Sam eat often and a great deal. This is clearly the recipe for success.

Sober preggers women do not belong at the Jersey Shore. Snooki should have prioritized better.

I know it's the final season but it should accelerate not slow down. We all know Snooki's baby is not going to come out normal anyway, let her have a Long Island Iced Tea for fucks sake...AND a cigarette. You know she's craving them. It's not like feeding the fetus pickle juice as a food group is exactly healthy for he/she/it. Honestly if someone doesn't smush a juicehead gorilla or a grenade soon I might just give up on the whole franchise and write awful things about it for the rest of time. So for my sake, and the sake of my writing/sanity, please make this last season worth something. Yes, Situation is finding how wonderful life can be sober, but this is not an episode of Intervention, and I need him to spread herpes before I fall sleep at least once an episode like old times! Even Ron and Sam are not doing what usually makes them remotely interesting which is fighting like insane pigeons cooing over the last crumb of old coffee cake in Union Square, they are getting along, and I can't stand it. There is no conflict on this show anymore, no alcohol, no bitch-slapping, and no crying, and no peeing in bars.

Go out with a bang rather than fade away into nothingness, Jersey Shore. You had the potential to be television greatness. But none of us want to be the 6th season of Lost, and being compared to that is basically the kiss of death. Your 15 minutes are almost over! Make them count!

Below the hilarious promo for Season 6 which gave me false hopes. 

Netflix Review: Freaks and Geeks

The freaks. L to R - Daniel Desario (James Franco) Kim Kelly (Busy Phillips), Ken Miller (Seth Rogen), Lindsay Weir (Linda Cardellini), and Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel)

Only airing 14 episodes, but a true cultural landmark that launched the careers of Jason Segel, James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Judd Apatow, Freaks and Geeks (1999 - 2000) is a pleasure to be savored. Paul Feig wrote the whole series while driving cross-country trying to sell his new film at that point...you know the one called...something or other. Oh how funny life can be because his scribblings soon became a television landmark with a loyal underground following.
It is the first show to utilize high school aged actors playing high schoolers, and also perhaps the first show to reflect the ideology of hat later became the slacker generation, starting way back in 1980. In 1980, disco sucked, 8-track tapes were in every house, and Mark Zuckerberg was 4 years from being born. It was a very different time, and seems further away from our generation than say the 50's. Perhaps that's why the show had such an unimaginably short run, because it was so authentic to its time and atmosphere that it was completely irrelevant to us, the idiots.

The Geeks on Halloween. L - R: Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine), Harris  Stephen Lea Sheppard (Harris Trinsky), Sam Weir (John Francis Daley) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) as the bionic woman.

But let's talk about the almost all-male cast...and Linda Cardellini who hasn't been relevant since (poor girl). It's hard to feel sorry for someone who was the the real life Sarah Marshall; Jason Segel really got ahead on that whole public opinion front, but she was a feisty, sarcastic, plain-ish girl next door. But I never really found her any kind of interesting so, moving on.
John Francis Daley, the pre-pubescent androgynous actor who now has now carved out a nice little niche for himself writing successfully crude comedies like Horrible Bosses (2011) is the most adorable thing in the world and has grown up to be the hottest man this side of too-hot-to-be-straight-shire. He plays Linda Cardellini's brother, Sam Weir (she plays Lindsay Weir btdubs).
The Freaks of the show are composed of James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel, but don't worry they're not freaks in the sense that we see them; as Oxycontin-addicted pseudo-gothic motherfuckers who drive 20-year-old Dodge Darts, and speak in iambic pentameter. They're just some Sabbath-obsessed burnouts who have never gotten an A on anything. They are Lindsay's friends slash love-interests...for the most part. And quite honestly it's hard to cast a 21 year old James Franco in anything where he's not a love interest...I don't care if it's opposite a sofa, that's the part he's going to play.

awkward...

The Geeks are Sam's friends. All freshmen, they painfully make their way through this waking nightmare we call high school in the 80's, or high school in general, as it really hasn't changed much. Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) are the ridiculously geeky individuals that are in everyone's high school. There's the Jewish, too-hairy-for-his-age, over-achieving, chubber who doesn't really understand social norms in an almost autistic way, and then there's the point-of-no-return geek who's always been too tall even as a baby, wears thick rimmed glasses that take up his whole face, and doesn't speak except to express his disdain with any given situation.

Mr. Rosso the guidance counselor, who even though looked exactly like Edgar Winter, you still kind of crushed on.

 It's basically a perfect show, with something or someone everyone can relate to, and what's most devastating about it is it's honestly which is at times both hilarious and cruel. And it's totally original. It's my favorite show of that whole era. Watch the whole first season without stopping, it's kind of hard not to. Also, Both the Freaks and the Geeks remind me of guys that I dated while I was in high school. Every single one of them...Even Stephen Lea Sheppard...yup I went there. And Dave 'Gruber' Allen as Mr. Rosso...yep went there too....no I didn't.

Below, the intro.

Below, the infamous dodgeball scene.

Below, a hilarious scene from the non-alcoholic party episode. It's my favorite.