Downton Abbey Changes Name to Sluts 'R Us and Saves the Estate

Lady Rose McClare have a gay ol' time.

We finally got the long awaited premiere of Season 4 of Downton Abbey here in the states after the shocking, and I mean seriously what the hell were you thinking Julian Fellows, shocking death of Cousin Matthew Crawley (Dan Stevens). For those playing the home game you know that the reason for this was because Dan Stevens is an idiot and asked to be written out of his goldmine of a contract so that he could pursue films which are likely to flop and let's face it Downton Abbey is the biggest thing to come out of the UK since Sarah Ferguson. You don't just ask to be written out of it. That's like marrying George Clooney and then asking for a divorce because you think you can 'do better', but you fucking can't so good riddance.
The incredible disappearring Michelle Dockery returns in her role as the now widowed single mum to their baby Master George (no doubt, named after the Royal Baby) and looks pastier, and ghostlier than ever. If I saw her at the top of the stairs I'd run in the opposite direction because that is a succubus daemon about to entrap itself in my head. But hey, we all have our ways of dealing with grief, apparently Cousin Mary's is bulimia and being dead behind the eyes. 

Spunky, posh, and blonde, she could easily pass for one of Prince Harry's girlfriends.

But nevermind that, there have been some new shall we say 'loose' additions to Downton Abbey, beginning with slut-in-training and general Zelda Fitzgerald wannabe, Rose MacClare (Lily James) the devil-may-care bouncy blonde who's come from the large Scottish estate we visited in the last season to live with the Granthams because her own family can't handle her anymore, and can you blame them? She's this close to having lovers crawl up to her bedroom via her long blonde locks. And there's no shortage of them, because this twenty something is always in the mood to go out and have a good time, she actually sounds like someone I'd latch unto if I was at Downton because she could save me from the constant and unwavering want to shoot myself in the foot just so I can see some color boredom. 

Lady Edith kisses her love in public. We must alert the church elders.

Another lady coming out of her shell this season, might I add, dull, predictable, whiny shell is Lady Edith (Laura Carmichael) surprisingly enough. Without the other two sisters to steal her thunder, she's taken the reigns of the feminine respite in Downton and is continuing to date her (still married) publisher in London, going with him to 'smart restaurants' and finally 'putting some effort' into how she dresses, and you know what peeps? She cleans up nice. I mean I'd hit that now that she's wearing lipstick and strapless gowns. But she soon might follow her love to Germany where he can get a legal divorce considering his current wife is in an asylum, long story...but you know what that means, she's not going to be very comfortable in the next decade. 

Edna Braithwaite, the new O'Brien. I smell trouble...and lemonface.

Another addition to the slut squad is Edna Braithwaite (MyAnna Buring) who as you recall was fired from Downton in the last season for hitting on the still grieving Branson....classy. This time she circumvented Mrs. Hughes AND Carson (not an easy feat) and went straight through to Lady Grantham (Elizabeth McGovern) who was in a frantic state to replace her lady's maid when O'Brien up and left suddenly (good riddance, did she ask to be written out of her contract too? Good luck, lemonface). Anyway, now she's back and there's nothing they can do about it downstairs, because she's lady's maid to the lady of the house. She's kind of above everyone, and she's made an important alliance with Thomas (Rob-James Collier) because let's face it, without O'Brien he's just not evil enough anymore. And who knows who she's got her squinty eyes on this time, I bet you she's going to try it on with Lord Grantham (Hugh Bonneville) who you know has a tendency to wander especially among his maid staff. 

On a side note, James the model/footman (Ed Speleers) keeps hitting on Ivy the plain Jane kitchen maid (Clara Theobold) and it's unclear whether its for sport or because he loves to see her doting around him and gets her blind drunk one night. Times are a changin' all over the place, and I can only hope that this season of Downton Abbey is saucier than every, I mean we are in the Roaring Twenties after all. Spice things up a bit Julian!

Britney's Gone Proletariat...You Better Work Bitch

Still from 'Radar' almost Kate Middleton but not quite. Nice binoculars btdubs.

Britney Spears has probably never picked up a book in her life that did start with the words 'Chicken Soup For' much less read the Marx manifesto, but I'm starting to notice a strange trend in her work, and I'm wondering if it's just out of rebellion, sickness of privilege and entitlement, or she's gone full on Communist on our asses.

The trend started a few years back with the release of her single 'Radar' in 2009 off her Circus album, which was a triumph by the way. The song was a catchy weird melodic tune that alluded to someone Britney was non-chalantly pursuing because he appealed to her. The video however gave me pause. It starts out with her driving a Bentley to some English country house that rivals Downton Abbey and meeting sweater-vest wearing, shoe-shining, vanilla spoiled rich boy for a weekend in the country for some polo matches. How Madonna of her. She is dressed very appropriately for the occasion, she probably asked her wardrobe stylist to look like Kate Middleton but with a Britney flair. She sits atop a big patio and while vanilla gold-plate man tries to woo her by giving her diamonds (they are a girl's best friend), she keeps being distracted by some scruffy Josh Holloway from Lost looking guy who's gearing up for said polo match. I mean he's playing polo so he's not exactly a chimney sweep, but he don't have no mansion in the hills to entertain his lady friends. He's just a scruffy sweaty hot guy that's really good at polo. The next scene is the match itself and while Ritchie Rich is arguing about who won, scruff-daddy woo's Britney until she throws her diamond necklace (how wasteful, keep that shit, love fades things are forever) and they run away together. Ergo hottness wins over money...but you know, it's nice if the guy's got both. 

Britney dressed to the nines at the polo match but her mind is somewhere else, as she repeatedly points out.

Then I saw this trend reappear when her single 'Criminal' started climbing the charts in 2011. Also taking place in England, no idea why, she's cast opposite her then actual fiance Jason Trawick who plays a tattooed, mean-streets biker, with a gun fetish who rescues her from an uptight British bitch of a boyfriend who insists she go to parties with him and act like a damn lady. I have no idea where this came from. Jason Trawick was a former agent at WME, he's not a bad boy people, he barely has a personality, but you know what, a few fake giant tattoos, some hair growth, and that crazy six-pack he worked for made him look like he would beat the shit out of a guy for looking at you the wrong way, which he does in the video. It's a Bonnie and Clyde-themed thing, they rob convenience stores and make out, like a lot, while she sings about how she knows he's no good but she's still in love with him even though he's a...say it with me...criminal. Then they kiss in a blaze of bullets when the bobbies catch them (that's British for the po-po) but miraculously nothing hits either of them and they escape. Again, giving up a life of empty luxury to risk everything with some guy you just met who looks cool on a motorcycle. Style over substance, I get it. 

Wait a minute, he rides a Harley AND has a gun? Jackpot!

And now she's driving the point home with her newly released single; 'Work Bitch' (September 16th, 2013), fuck the video (which is ridiculous and totally under-budget for someone like her). The lyrics say it all; 'You want a hot body? Want a Bugatti? Want a Maserati? You better work bitch'. Yes, those are all superficial things that I want more than anything, seriously someone buy me a fucking Maserati, but still she's saying that nothing comes easy, even 'parties in France' and you have to work for what you want, and every time I drive through Beverly Hills I have to remind myself of that to keep from crying. I'm sure it's got something to do with the fact that she almost lost everything and is kind of poking fun at that. She lost things that were of actual importance to people like custody of her children, so she's being somewhat ironic, either that or I'm giving her too much credit here, but I think she's smart enough...yes I did just fucking say that. So basically driving the point home, Britney is telling us that this lifestyle that we all want (didn't you watch The Bling Ring (2013)) Oh you didn't? Yeah no one did) Anyway, this lifestyle ain't all it's cracked up to be. And the important things in life you have to work for...also scruffy guys on motorcycles are way hotter than a man who has everything except an interesting personality and a living soul. 

Below the videos for the aforementioned singles. See if you can point out the similarities. It's like Britney homework. Which is the best kind.

Girls Write A Show For Girls...In Prison.

Piper (Taylor Schilling) and her one time lover Alex (Laura Prepon) take a minute to listen to the Piper's scumbag boyfriend exploit her prison experience for a writing gig on the radio.

Finally started watching Orange is the New Black (2013 - ) which is on only every other billboard in Los Angeles county and actually getting good reviews, and it's such a relief to be feasibly impressed with a show. Hasn't happened in a while. Especially considering most shows featured on Netflix are overrated and Netflix originals like Arrested Development Season 4 was a ridiculous let-down.

Orientation...yawn.

I know that everyone on the face of the planet has gone on the 'overrated' train with this one just because people like it and it's way overexposed at the moment, but you know what? It's not half bad, and if ya did your goddamn research, you'd know it's actually based on a memoir a woman wrote about her year of incarceration. So it wasn't just plucked from obscurity by some TV executive because they needed to fill that niche of lesbian prison shows and they were clear out.
Here's what I like, though the writing is somewhat trite, I can relate to the main character. She's on the cusp of 30 and is realizing there are serious amends to be made for living life so dangerously while she was still able to  back in the day. No I'm not an ex-con mofo's but I get what her character arc is. 
And that's basically what I really enjoy about it; the writing of the characters. As a writer who writes excellent characters (horn toot) and sucks at structure, I can fully appreciate that even if some of them are somewhat cliche.

'Red' (Kate Mulgrew) and Miss Claudette (Michelle Hurst) share some home-made hooch after hours. Two of my favorite characters.

I like that Taylor Schilling's character Piper Chapman is the 'straight man' of the series, a deadpan white girl stuck in a prison full of nut jobs and jaded inmates. One of my favorite characters is Galinka or 'Red' (Kate Mulgrew) who does such a superb Russian accent I was surprised to hear she was actually American, usually, Russian accents are totally butchered, especially by American actors. She runs the kitchen and is basically queen bee, whom everyone wants to please, and through her backstory we learn how ironic that really is.

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren (Uzo Aduba) is one of the funniest eccentrics on the show.

The love story that develops between inmate Daya (Dascha Polanko) and one of the prison guards, Bennett (Matt McGorry) is particularly touching and one that I would consider going to prison for in order to experience. It doesn't seem contrived and that's always a good thing.
Anyway the best thing about it, is just like in a Joseph Mankiewicz film, the women have the best roles, and are the most dynamic. If you don't get this parallel then you're an idiot. The interesting part of it is, is that now you can tell that it's a group full of women writers sitting in a writers room thinking this stuff up hopefully with a giant picture of Nora Ephron as their patron saint hanging on the bearing wall with scented candles decorating her beautiful aura.

The very talented cast of characters.

I feel like Nora Ephron herself could have written this show and that's comforting, it's very difficult to combine black comedy with a hint of tragedy, pathos, and unpredictable character arcs, something only the Great Ephron was able to achieve, and I'm glad that this is a show finally for women by women that is NOT on the Lifetime network. Bravo Netflix. I now forgive you for the 4th season of Arrested Development. It's unique and wildly original. It's not just for chicks don't get me wrong, I think it's universally funny and challenging. Aside from that it's just plain old brazen and down the wall unapologetic. It gets my thumbs up. I'm excited to see what becomes of it.

Below some clips and interviews. Enjoy! 

Ode to Brigitte Bardot

Goddess

So tonight I'm keeping it mellow and settled in for a Criterion film, and one which I have shamefully never seen in my life was And God Created Woman (1956) directed by Roger Vadim and his then 21 year old wife Brigitte Bardot who he basically made into the most desired woman on the face of the earth, even for those who didn't speak French. 

Brigitte's introduction to the world. Much like what would later be done in Kubrick's Lolita (1962), a childlike seductress sits outside sunning herself in next to nothing waiting for a man to fall in love with her at first sight.

Not a natural blonde, but then again nobody was, this was the era of being blonde meaning being the end all be all in sex symbols, now a days, it's being a red-head, but whatever. I would blog about Marilyn the ultimate blonde, since it is her birthday, but I've blogged about her mmmmm a million times, so I just want to give a shout out to the most statuesque French-looking french actress who later turned into a psychopath but we can negate that. On the screen she is absolutely magical. If aliens landed tomorrow and asked what the female species was, you'd have to show them a picture of early 60's or late 50's Brigitte Bardot, the only sex symbol that we think of outside the American idiom. 

French poster for the film.

The film is about a waif in a small town near the French Riviera that all men are obsessed with but none can actually have, even when they exchange marriage vows. Her devil-may-care attitude spawned the sex-kitten phenomenon of the 60's and everyone from Vadim to The Beatles were completely obsessed. The story goes that John Lennon himself was so enamored with her that he made his then wife Cynthia dye her hair blonde and do her make-up a certain way to resemble the great Brigitte. Pretty chauvinist no?

But back to the wonder that is her, it's hard not to go crazy when you marry a heel like Roger Vadim at 18 and then he runs off with Jane Fonda, and for the rest of your life, all men want from you is sex rather than conversation, so you join PETA, and blame everyone in the world except yourself for all of your crazy insecurities. 

Another picture of Bardot, just because. She's fun to look at isn't she?

The only person I can think of that in any way reminds me of Brigitte is Claudia Schiffer, she is basically her reincarnation, in body, but not spirit, and perhaps that's a good thing. We don't have to listen to her speak and meander about her politics and bizarre musings on the ways of the world, just turn on one of her films and you'll be completely mesmerized, I don't care if you're a man or a woman, you want it. She is the ultimate vamp of that era, but in a childish Lolita-esque way which makes it even more enticing, and what she created in the film that made her; And God Created Woman will always be copied by ingenues to come. She is a mystery wrapped in exoticism, wrapped in raw sexual prowess, wrapped in heaps of black eye liner. It's fantastic.

The Unthinkable Has Happened: I Was Wrong About Something

Keira Knightly and Aaron Taylor-Johnson fall in love against a surreal backdrop in Anna Karenina (2011)

Last year in July I wrote about my expectations for the soon to be released Anna Karenina (2011) directed by the renowned Joe Wright who's obsession with Keira Knightley knows no bounds. I said that as a Russian, who was made to read Anna Karenina as if it was gospel, I couldn't bare the thought of a theatrical shit show with her and Aaron Taylor-Johnson as the two principal leads.

Well I'm watching it today, and I have to say with utmost disgrace to myself and my intuition, that I was wrong, which I never am people. 

I was literally taken aback at how good this movie looked and felt.

But this was such an interesting take on the famous story and the writing was actually up to par with a 1 1/2 hour adaptation of a 600 page novel by Tolstoy, that's saying the obvious considering the adaptation was written by Tom Stoppard. Yes it was sappy, and missed a lot of the books subtext and essential themes, but it got the jist as best as it could, and for something so highly unadaptable as that book, that's a job well done. I think perhaps maybe I understood the script better (which had it's absurd moments) because I can recite the book verbatim. 

Alicia Vikander as Princess Katerina 'Kitty' Alexandrovna

What I was impressed most about was the supporting players. I loved Matthew McFayden as Stiva, and Alicia Vikander (keep an eye on her, she's going to be the next it-girl, mark my words) as Kitty, and of course Jude Law as the torn and embarrassed Karenin, he's absolutely brilliant and I have no idea who's genius idea it was to cast him because I think he understands the material better than anyone else. In most other adaptations Karenin is seen as the villain; the heartless brute who can't forgive and cares only about his own honor and his promises to god, but Law plays him so layered and enigmatic that you get a real sense he understands that Tolstoy wrote every character in Anna Karenina to be tortured and trapped by their own inabilities to compromise. 

My favorite adaptation remains the Vivien Leigh/Ralph Richardson one from 1948. There's a woman that could play Anna Karenina. Criterion bought it and it's on Hulu.

I'm really starting to sound like a substitute teacher at Russian Lit 101, so I'll finish by commenting on the aesthetic. I heard that the film was done in a strangely theatrical way because they literally didn't have the money to make it a full fledged film shot on location and with meticulous attention to detail to recreate Imperial Russia. And instead of half-assing it, Joe Wright decided to take a different route, making it more of a ballet (another Russian staple) and mostly symbolic, like a fairy tale, which is essentially what Anna Karenina is; an adult fairy tale. It's supposed to be dramatic, whimsical, magical and somewhere beyond this practical world, and I think the aesthetic used captures that. All I will say that I was right about was that yeah, Keira Knightly and Aaron Taylor Johnson do not do justice to the two main characters, too young to have a grasp of the gravity of the roles their playing, and it just sucks plain and simple.

Trailer below. 

Vivien Leigh as Anna Karenina (1948) 

Netflix Pick: Scandal

Kerry Washington as Olivia Pope. I really hope this causes a spike in Law School admissions this year.

So I just started watching Scandal (yeah I know, I'm like three season's late, fuck off I'm busy), and yes Kerry Washington is my newest girl crush, are  you kidding me? She's so hot I swear the temperature of my computer screen went up every time the camera focused on her (ok that's crazy-cheesy but whatever). So how would I describe this show? It's House of Cards meets The Practice with a His Girl Friday (1940) seedy underbelly to it.

If you haven't seen His Girl Friday, 1. you're a pathetic excuse for a human being, 2. Let me explain it to you. It was a seminal feminist film directed by Howard Hawkes about a newspaper in which there is a conflict of interest that is hilarious between soon to be divorced couple Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell. The thing about the film, is that it is famous for the characters talking like a million times faster than usual. It was a 90 page script and made for an hour and 5 minute film. That's somewhat of the flavor that is added to the pot of the sizzle of Scandal. 

Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell engaged in a battle of wits in His Girl Friday (1940) a lot of which the latter wins.

Kerry Washington plays the feared-by-all uberbitch lawyer Olivia Pope whom everyone including the most powerful men in the world (yes, I'm talking The President) fear, and who is a 'fixer' of sorts for high profile scandals. She has an army of what each refers to as 'gladiators in suits' who do her bidding for her, and are all just as tough. They have to be or their ass is right the fuck out in the bitter DC cold. This includes freakin' Desmond from Lost (Henry Ian Cusick) and within the second episode I'm already on a learning frenzy, and no not the square root of anything, but apparently if you're visiting a prostitute code for her having it all shaved is that there are hard wood floors in her apartment, you know, important life stuff like that. Within the third episode all kinds of serious shit goes down and it's up to Olivia to fix it, and she does; with the fire and wit of a modern day Rosalind Russell and the bitch virtuosity of a hot Ruth Bader Ginsburg. 

Gladiators in suits. The bulk of Pope's law firm, with The President (Tony Goldwyn, wait, that Tony Goldwyn? yeah, that Tony Goldwyn) on the far right.

This is NOT a really good night-time soap, this is a seriously underrated show and has as much...well scandal as say something like House of Cards, and though at times self-righteous, it is not nearly as pretentious, which is why I'd rather watch it. If you read my blog you know how cantankerous I am so this should come as no shock to you (the prior) statement I mean. Granted, I've only been through the first season, but I can't wait to see what's in store coming up. 

Meet Olivia Pope...

A bit from His Girl Friday... 

Ode to Joan Crawford

As some of you know, I'm writing a play about Joan Crawford, not particularly to dislodge all of the 'wire hangers' rumors or discredit her daughter Christina's novel 'Mommie Dearest' which for all of it's sincerity was highly and almost comically sensationalized. 

I want (for some reason) to help people know and appreciate Crawford for who she was, and that was the 'ultimate movie star'. I'm sure that when the term was being coined, she was whom they thought of first. Not only was she a consummate professional studying constantly, taking allocation lessons, losing and gaining weight for roles before it was a thing, and even know which eye to cry out of when she needed to for a scene, but as an iconic figure head of old Hollywood, she's one of the most recognizable. She only won one Oscar, but had always stuck to her guns. She played the game until she could play it by her own rules and that's what makes her unique. 

Joan Crawford the flapper under contract at MGM

Aside from the alcoholism, obsessive behavior, abusiveness, chronic infidelities and other personal bullshit, Joan was a true professional, and completely focused, which is exactly how she became what she became. All that other stuff lead to her eventual downfall, but if anyone had a good run and fought the good fight it was her. 

Although she was married four times, she said that the love of her life was ultimately someone she never exchanged vows with; the very Catholic-bound to his marriage Clark Gable. They were too much alike, both from poor obscure families who came to Hollywood when no one would take them seriously and people had to fish their headshots out of the extras pile. They never gave up and before they knew it they were Hollywood gods, having quickies in dressing rooms between takes. They did 5 films together, but the relationship unfortunately dissolved. Gable's wife wouldn't give him a divorce and Joan was too obsessed with herself to care. 

Joan and Gable always had great chemistry on film. Wasn't hard when the two were in love behind the cameras as well.

Here's another thing you might not have known, Joan was bisexual. One of her most famous conquests was Marilyn Monroe, 22 years her junior, whom she incessantly hit on usually in a drunken stupor when Marilyn would spend the night at her Brentwood mansion, and for some reason Marilyn eventually decided to reject her advances, perhaps because she was not her type, or perhaps because Joan was kind of scary at that point, who knows. Anyway, can you only imagine how hot that would be? 

I love Joan because she adapted to every single thing asked of her. She started in Hollywood as a contracted dancer, not an actress, and appeared as a chorus extra in mid-level films where she was nearly unrecognizable. But with limitless drive and determination she learned everything about the business and made friends with the right people until she was number one on her studio boss' L.B. Mayer's list for his next projects. By the time she had achieved that, she had come into what people like to refer to as her 'face' that very recognizable look of the giant eyes, exaggerated eye-brows, and those crazy lips which Max Factor invented calling it 'the smear'. By the time she was declared box-office poison from playing too many shop girls who make good but still manage to wear designer gowns, she decided to keep fighting and told her boss L.B. 'no more goddamn shopgirls'. After that they fought over parts and she was one of the first to move out of her studio and fly solo. Back then, a hugely risky move, but it payed off because rival to MGM (where she got her start), Warner Bros. was inclined to hire her for a little project sitting on the shelf for two years called Mildred Pierce (1945) which one her her first and only Academy Award. 

Joan Crawford still gorgeous in her 40's in Mildred Pierce (1945)

At that point, she was close to mid-40's herself, a battle year for any actress, but she decided to reinvent herself again; had her teeth recapped, cut her hair short, and wore mannish clothing, making herself into some kind of warrior identity which worked perfectly for Nicholas Ray's Johnny Guitar (1954).

Basically after that, it was a slow decline, but the legacy was cemented. That is of course until her adopted daughter Christina wrote a scathing tell-all called 'Mommie Dearest' and tarnished Joan's reputation forever. No one would give you an argument if you said that Joan was not mother of the year, but the book is not exactly fully accurate. Books need to make money too, and I'm not saying I'm agreeing with it one way or the other. As Joan historian William Schoell said 'it's a great tragedy that when people hear the name Joan Crawford the first thing they think is 'no more wire hangers', because there is another Joan Crawford that people should remember.' Which is just exactly what I'm trying to do. Wish me luck!

Here are some clips. 

Housewives Recap: Everyone’s an Alcoholic and Paul is a Douchebag

Taylor chatting it up with Yolanda Foster's hubby David Foster about absolutely nothing after hitting the wine glass a couple dozen too many times. As Yolanda said 'there's nothing uglier than a drunk woman' well, let's put it this way 'There's nothing uglier than a drunk Taylor'

Finally caught up on my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because my life had become an empty void, and I gave in, just like Taylor does to a bottle of wine every so often. I was in Real Housewives rehab but I relapsed and bad. And what did I miss? Well here’s the gist. 

We all know Brandi is being sued by Adrienne and her hubby Paul the surgeon, who never stops talking about the fact that he’s a surgeon even though we’ve not once seen him perform surgery this season because he’s too busy playing second banana to his wife’s shoe-line ambitions. Adrianne is worth approximately 100 million dollars according to celebritynetworth.com (as you can see I use my spare time wisely) and Brandi is worth lets say nothing considering she hasn’t had a modeling gig since 1997 and her only income is selling incendiary stories to US Weekly. So basically that’s a shitty move on Adrianne’s part. 

Hypocrisy alert! Kim the former alcoholic, who apparently relapses later in the season, confronts Taylor about HER drinking problem now that she's in a 'better place'....really?

But here’s what’s happening now. For Kim’s new nose, she decided to throw a Kim’s new nose coming out party, it was the most bizarre thing I’d ever seen, but probably par for the course in Beverly Hills. During which, sisters Kim and Kyle which kind of remind me of the two wicked stepsisters from Cinderella get a rather strange phone call from Taylor saying she’s going to Beaver Creek and also implying she has no idea where her young daughter Kennedy (that’s right, that’s what she named her) is. This raises red flags. Then Bravo has the wear-with-all to show us other times that Taylor wasn’t how shall we say ‘aware’ and tipsily yapping about god knows what. Ergo, Taylor’s got a drinky problem, so says Kim the former alcoholic, and by former I mean for 3 months. 

What are you talking about I'm fine...glug glug glug.

So that now makes 2 out of 6, but lets face it, Brandi’s quite the frat girl herself, if you look closely, not that you would because your eyes would burn off from all that shiny, you’ll notice Brandi always has a glass of wine in her hand and tends to be pretty chatty and say things she shouldn’t. Red flag? Um yeah.

And in this day and age where in Beverly Hills it’s easier to get botulism than a driver’s license these girls are still picking alcohol as their main problem? Puleeeease. Get addicted to valium or cocaine like a proper Beverly Hills housewife and stop boring us with your sorority girl moments. 

Adrienne talking emphatically about nothing as usual, and Paul pretending to laugh at his wife's jokes because he loves her....paycheck.

Also, Paul’s being a cunt basically. That’s as much as I have to say about that. If you watch any promo it hints that he and Adrienne are headed for divorce court and all I can say is it’s not going to end well for him. It was mentioned in Season 2 that the two signed a pre-nup so he’ll definitely be taking that depressed divorced man’s condo while she keeps the billion dollar home in the hills, the dogs, and probs the kids so good luck to him, especially with that face of his.

That’s all. Ciao for now!

It's Good to Be Back in a Queen

I was going to do a cliche pun on the term queen, but then decided to make an Arrested Development (2003-2005) reference because a voice inside me was saying 'you can, so do'. I am talking about something nothing to do with that nugget of wonderful television, but a new documentary (well, not new, it premiered last January called The Queen of Versailles (2012). It follows the eccentric lives of Timeshare mogul David Seigel who is not unlike notorious embezzler/worst human being of all time next to Hitler, Bernie Madoff. More importantly, it focuses on his wife Jackie, who is also not unlike any given Real Housewife, only smarter and yet worse not only as an excessive narcissist and materialistic shrew.

The two share a San Simeon-esque type of estate, not nestled in the valley of San Luis Opisbo, but in the marshlands of Orlando, FLA, or as I refer to it, God's waiting room. We all know that an American self-made man loves to basically show off his money and scream it into the face of whomever is willing, and usually has deplorable taste. And that is exactly the stereotype that David Seigel lives up to. 

Mrs. Seigel and her eight kids. Watch the full film and she'll tell you just why she has so many.

David Seigel is his generation's William Randolph Hearst, a man with too much money, not enough empathy, and minimal regard for anyone around him. He is always about acquisition and superiority, which eventually lead to his demise because below the facade of large and grand material things, his life is more or less empty. Filling that empty void, to an extent is the Queen of Versailles, Jackie Seigel, his wife. She is so called because the house, rather estate that the two set out to build was named after the palace of Louis XIV of the 17th century. Now, I know what you're thinking, who is classless enough as to try to replicate one of the most famous landmarks of the world's history and the answer is a billionaire white trash couple in the Everglades. 

Well long story short, you can guess what happens. What does Timeshare offer? Expensive real estate sold as vacations at 10% when it's worth 90% of the original cost. Why did the stock market crash? Real Estate sold at 10% when it was worth as 90%, so who went under? David Seigel. What happened to his mansion Versailles (which was bigger than the white house by the way) it got put up for sale? Did anyone buy it? What do you think. 

Anywho...just watch it. It's one of those that I cannot find any snide, cynical, or pessimistic comments that would make it stand on end. This is a film that needs none of that. So I suppose this serves as an introduction.

Madonna Can't Do Anything

Madonna's direction: Ok now kiss her but be really uncomfortable about it, and try way too hard...perfect.

I know I'm a little late on this sentiment, but here we go. What CAN Madonna do? Well she can sip tea, pretend she's Jewish and generally annoy us on any given day but that's about it. I don't care about her music, lets talk about her 'directing'. I finally sat down to watch W/E (2011) today because I've been on a masochistic streak of late and it was on Netflix Instant. I quite like Andrea Riseborough who plays the man trap Wallis Simpson who causes the biggest crisis in the British Monarchy before Princess Di and Prince Charles divorced. Now, rich white people problems are always fascinating, especially when they're in love. There's almost always a problem in the bedroom, whether someone's too kinky or not kinky enough, or someone is having an affair with a hat check girl or worse...someone who's nouveau riche. 

Either way, Madonna is always digging like a pig for truffles for that tiny glimmer of romance amongst an otherwise dull and drab story. Here's what basically happened. Edward VIII was a milquetoast do-nothing prince and heir to the British throne, terribly busy with throwing lavish dinner parties for society friends. Wallis Simpson was twice divorced poor white trash who eventually merited an invitation to meet the dilettante. After that they fell in love, the royal family hated her (of course, since when do they like people?) and forced Edward to abdicate his thrown, hence shit like The King's Speech (2011) was able to be made about his even less interesting brother.

Wallis and Edward on their wedding day.

The entire time I was watching it, I was thinking; 'If I see one more shot out of focus come into focus I'm going to seriously blow chunks' that's basically don't of Film School 101, and what the fuck is up with all the grainy handhelds? Like this is some gritty indie drama about junkies and prostitutes. Aesthetically this movie is such a fail, even though it desperately tries to convince us that Edward and Wallis were actually way more attractive than they actually were.

The story is all told through a young lady named Wally Wintrhop (Abbie Cornish) and we all know how much I love her. She's the only one really really trying in this film to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, but it's to no avail. She plays a woman who like worked at Sotheby's at one point and now is disappointed in her marriage to a rich successful and handsome doctor (I mean, who wouldn't be?) so she frequents her old gallery where they just happen to be auctioning off the entire W/E collection. And then there's a subplot about her fucking a handsome Russian security guard for absolutely no reason at all, but that's to be expected when the screenplay is absolutely for shit.

If I glance through the view finder then it will appear as if I'm a real director.

Don't get me wrong, there is romance in this story, the actual story, all of which the film misses. There is nothing erotic, refined, or sensual the whole way through, it's so redundant and banal I ACTUALLY fell asleep...And then I woke up nauseous because there was another dreaded out-of-focus handheld I was waking up to, and The Sex Pistols' 'Pretty Vacant' was playing in a scene set in 1935. F to the AIL.

...Aaaaaand trailer. 

Directors Who Date Actresses Way Out of Their League

With the pop-culture bombshell that is Kristen Stewart's affair with her Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) director Rupert Sanders, I've been wondering what is it about a backwards cap and a bullhorn that makes hot young actresses hiccup in their pants. But this is just one instance in a long line of strangely incongruent love affairs between filmmakers and their actresses. There's almost always huge age, height, and general hottness-factor differences, but apparently it's all an Oedipal mentor-like kind of dichotomy. In this case, it was worth giving up regular sex with Robert Pattinson, but this is a pattern in Hollywood that is seriously nothing new and is actually pretty par for the course. Here are some other examples of passionate love affairs in some cases leading to marriage between directors and actresses in their films that are way out of their league.

If you read my blog you know I hate on Kristen Stewart more than I write about Yul Brynner's junk...and that's a feat. But even I'm not above admitting she's one hot cookie. And clearly, way too hot for Rupert Sanders. She was already dating a scruffy, pseudo-hipster, brooding Brit...what the hell did she trade down for?

Yes, Orson Welles was the greatest genius of his and most lifetimes, and his voice was utterly hypnotic. But straight up, Rita Hayworth was potentially the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth...still is, I haven't found anyone to top her yet. So these two get a pass, somewhat. What's really nuts is that he ended up breaking up with her...then dying alone, miserable, unemployable, and drunk...so clearly he made the right choice.

In France, being 'attractive' is a relative term, and I'm sure in his heyday, Jean-Luc Godard was considered a fox...no I'm not, with him, it had to always have been about his originality and talent. But Anna Karina had to have the hindsight to know that it wouldn't work out. How long does it last with a pretentious and cynical French director? The answer is not very.

Milla Jovovich and Luc Besson will never ever...not ever make sense to me. He's so dull. And filmmaking-wise, he's a total one-trick pony. But we all make stupid mistakes when we're 20 right Milla? We just don't marry them.

This has to be my favorite. Otto Preminger and Dorothy Dandridge. He directed her in Carmen Jones (1954) and she fell head over heels in love with the strange, slightly creepy old fart. But turns out she was pretty mentally disturbed and had a losing streak with love so this was just another drop in the bucket.

This is slightly cheating as David O. Selznick was a producer rather than a director but he and Jennifer Jones definitely had a Svengali-like relationship and he advanced, scratch that; made her career basically. Also he ended up divorcing his wife Irene Mayer-Selznick who had basically kept him afloat while he was a young tough with no money trying to make it in Hollywood (her father was the legendary Louis B. Mayer so she was always swimming in it).

In all honesty, I would fall for Ingmar Bergman too. Have you ever seen an interview with him? No one on the planet more morose, suicidal, and death-obsessed, so clearly panty-dropping material, but if I was Liv Ullman, I'd go there. She definitely turned out the better for it. But to be fair, anyone who gets to bed Liv Ullman got the better bargain.

When Ingrid Bergman ran off with Roberto Rossellini and left her husband and young child, it was quite the incendiary story back in 1950. But any woman who can marry arguably one of the 10 best filmmakers of all time and still keep her iconic status as well as relevance in the cinema in her own right knows what she's doing.

I feel like the subtitle to this picture should be French sex-kitten marries king of all dorks Chess pro. But actually it's French sex-kitten marries French filmmaker. Roger Vadim has like the best track record for directing and then marrying hot young ladies...And I'm still not sure why! But none of which were more aesthetically pleasing than Brigitte Bardot. Bravo sir, Bravo!

Roman Polanski always had a way with the ladies...ok that's way wrong to say. Roman Polanski had a few tricks up his sleeve...nope, not that either. Basically there's no way of saying this with class, so I'll just say Roman Polanski is short, has a thick accent, and makes bizarrely haunting films that give everyone who sees them nightmares for the rest of their lives. Emmanuelle Seignier was a 20 year old 6-foot-tall French model (and as we know French models are better looking than your average run-of-the-mill human model). Alas, they have been happily married for 23 years and have two kids to show for it so more power to them. And it's nice that no one makes him stand on phone books in pictures next to her. Also I was just jesting, I love Polanski's films.

This is the classic story of young actress new to the film business auditions for big time director, young actress gets the part, young actress falls in love with big time Hollywood director and vice-versa, young actress marries big time director, takes his name, and gives up her career to be a wife to him and mother of his children. That's why most people have no idea who Christiane Kubrick is. Blink and you'll miss her in Paths of Glory (1957), but her scene is actually quite memorable. I can't imagine being married to Stanley Kubrick was any kind of cake walk, but they made it work so good for them.

Let's bookend this with another scandolous contemporary story and reverse it! Nothing has been more bizarre than the hook up and eventual marriage of filmmaker Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson (now, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, yes he took her last name much like John 'Ono' Lennon whom he played in her film Nowhere Boy) But all creep factors aside...no I'm sorry this relationship is all creep factors to me. Not only is there a 20-year age gap, but he was 17 when they hooked up, and he's impregnated her twice in the last two years. I mean if he ever wants to sew his wild oats and actually finish up an adolecsents which she basically robbed him of, he's going to be in some serious shit because now there are kids involved. I'm sorry but I just can't get on board with those two, no matter how often both of them are screaming into any microphone that will listen that they are genuinely in love. Whatever.

Below are some clips.