Carlton is My New Favorite, Joyce is a Moron, and Kyle is Playing Her Last Card in the Deck

The two new additions to the Housewives. Joyce on the left and Carlton on the right.

Anyone catch last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? It was a doozy. It aired in between two nauseating episodes of Vanderpump Rules where we basically find out that everyone who works at SUR cheats on their significant other. Let me break that down for ya real quick; Jax cheated on Stassi with Kristen who is Tom's girlfriend who cheated on Kristen with Arianna. So it's just a giant clusterfuck of regret and denial that culminates with everyone comically borrowing other people's phones to find salacious texts as evidence (especially Tom) poor guy, he has to go through Jax's phone to find proof that his girl (horseface) hasn't been loyal to him and when Jax points out that he cheated on her too, his retort is '...not with a fucking friend dude'. Oh god what interesting lives they lead. 

I heart Carlton!

Anyway, back to the Housewives! This new season has been rather uneventful and boring to say the least, just a bunch of glammed up parties, and casting two totally out of place housewives, I guess because they're brunette (gasp) and at first I was like 'what is this? I miss hotmess Taylor and backstabber Adrienne!' but now I totally understand the casting choices of bringing in former Miss Puerto Rico who can barely speak English properly and another Brit for Lisa to hang out with; my personal favorite, Wiccan Carlton Gebbia. And when I say Wiccan it's not just a bunch of bright candles and incense in her mansion, she does the works. Her house has so many Wiccan and also, strangely enough Christian iconography in it, it feels like a mediaeval castle fighting with itself. But it's awesome, I'd move in tomorrow. 

Also, did I mention Carlton's a freak? She has three small children and still goes to that naughty lingerie shop near the Beverly Center (yes I have membership there) to try on the craziest psuedo-S&M; black leather inspired costumes and has an entire room dedicated to freaky sex. The bedroom she uses for 'regular' sex, like to-make-baby sex. But the room with mirrors all around the walls and on the ceiling, that's where the sex swing goes. 

Kyle: Is that a Jewish Star?
Carlton: Are you fucking kidding me?

So she had this extravaganza to celebrate America (I still don't get why, it wasn't 4th of July and she's British) but anyway she had just gotten a tattoo of a pentagram on the back of her neck, very sexy actually nothing too gaudy. Kyle the 'Jewish one' just because she married a Jewish man and went to a couple Kabbalah classes while it was cool takes one look at it and says 'is that the Jewish star?' to which Carlton excellently replies 'are you fucking kidding me?' which is exactly what I was screaming at the TV that very moment. 

Carlton's tattoo that caused all the ruckus. 

First of all, only non-Jews call the Star of David a 'Jewish star', second of all, if you can't tell the difference between a FIVE POINTED Pentagram and a SIX POINTED Star of David, honey go back to Rabbinical school and study. This lead to inescapable tension at the next party (yeah, all they do is party and plan parties, get used to it). It's two of the husbands' birthdays, and it's a sit down dinner and Kyle gets a little WASTED and starts going off on Carlton who is already on the defensive. And then she pulls that card that you never pull unless you plan on having no further relationship with the other person. For Carlton's totally appropriate reaction to Kyle not knowing the difference between a pentagram and a Star of David, Kyle calls Carlton an anti-semite. Wayyyyy wrong thing to do there Kyle. Also she added 'you don't want people to judge you being Wiccan then don't act like a witch!' After which point, instead of casting a horrible spell on her (something empty headed Joyce accused Carlton of earlier) Carlton calmly excuses herself and leaves. Good girl. Hey Kyle, how about this, you want to call yourself Jewish? Then do your damn research and stop acting like a moron. Btdubs, that goes for you too Joyce, as Carlton put it; I know English is your second goddamn language but you've got to stop throwing around accusations too (i.e. calling Brandi a racist). I mean it seems like when these women know they've been argued in a corner their last card to play is to j'accuse the other person of being basically the worst thing you can be when we all know that not to be the case. Shame on you Kyle and Joyce. I know one of you was a child star and the other one was a beauty queen (respectively) and neither of you went to college, but for the love of god, stop showing that off by what you say. It's embarrassing. 

Flesh and Blood: The Borgias Sex Up the Renaissance

Let's face it, outside of Mad Men, and waiting for Downton Abbey to wrap their 3rd season, we're all strapped for things to watch after we unwind at home. Unless you're into Ancient Aliens and Deadliest Catch, but I need something right before bedtime and I love a show with characters named Cesare and Lucrezia, torture chambers, and simulated sex by candlelight. So it was either I start watching The Borgias, or I re-watch The Tudors basically. I can't really think of other shows that take place during the reformation and involve a lot of gratuitous nudity, sex, and violence, and all in all, that's really all I'm looking for before my sleeping pill kicks in.

All I know about the Borgias (aside from the fact that it's my favorite coffee/chocolate/orange drink to order at Cafe Borrones in Menlo Park, CA when I visit my family in the Bay Area) is that they were one of those many rich families along with the infamous Medici who had close ties to The Pope that wielded power in Italy before during and after the Renaissance basically up until the point they started having Prime Ministers in the beginning of the 20th Century (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, it's been a hell of a while since European History high school classes). 

If Jeremy Irons was Pope, I would convert to Catholicism in a nano-second. He's the hottest Pope this side of Vatican City and I'm not ashamed to admit it, though I'm probably going to hell for that.

Anyway, the show focuses on the Borgia clan made up of really hot guys and ladies who are always either fucking or fighting, or both at the same time. How this is not getting HUGE hypocritical censorship issues with the Catholic church I have no idea. But hey, it's on the poster: 'Flesh and Blood...The Borgias' So basically you can assume there's a lot of naked writhing flesh, and excessive blood and guts.

Oh and did I forget to add that the man with the sexiest voice in the history of all film ever Jeremy Irons is there too as Pope Alexander VI? I've never wanted a pope so much in my life. Also, he seems like his character is very good at oral sex so there's that. I am not making this up, don't shoot the messenger, this shit is actually in the damn show. 

There's boys in tight pants for the ladies, and girls in tight corsets with heaving breasts for the men, and there's lots of unnecessary violence and women having the most exaggerated orgasms ever. And apparently everyone bathes, showers, and brushes their teeth regularly back in the late 1400's. I had no idea.

New season premieres this last month on April 8th on Showtime, I'm only on episode 2 and I've already had my sex fix for the week. So you know it's a good time. Also, it's created by Neil Jordan, you can't lose.Also, don't confuse this with Borgia (2011) a series about basically the exact same people with a completely different cast but with even more nips. That you can catch on Netflix, but then again, Jeremy Irons is not in it.

Promo 'sneak peek' below.And below that, trailer for season 2.