Movie That Can't Movie

Clever marketing I'll give them that. That's about all I'll give them.

So where do I begin ...I threw up, and I came home shaking. And no this wasn't from a night of heavy drinking. I don't drink anymore but after seeing Mother! I wish someone had stuck a bottle of vodka up my ass. So many things bother me about this absolute garbage presented as art, (and I should know, I wrote my graduate thesis on Warhol). So, let's start with the big one: ripping off so many filmmakers I can't even count. I'll take you through the short list. The obvious one is Polanski, in particular Rosemary's Baby, then the body horror sub-genre created by one David Cronenberg which was totally bastardized. The pseudo-realism of Michelle Gondry, and the female protagonist suffering and being unconscionably passive a la Cassavetes (who is one of my favorite filmmakers).

'What have you done to its eyes!?' The iconic ending of Rosemary's Baby proving that the real horror is on the face of the person reacting, therefore there is no need to actually show it. What the human mind can imagine is always worse than any horror you can show. Again, epic fail Mother!

Horror movie that took forever to horror was not so much a fright or a smart unraveling of a mystery like say Get Out, which breathed new life into a dying genre. This was just torture. I paid Aronofsky to torture me for 2 hours and three showers couldn't shake that shit off of me. 

This blog post might not make much sense but that's how disoriented I am. Fuck this movie, seriously. I know that Aronofsky has a penchant for religious symbolism and imagery but pick a fucking lane. You either utilize the symbolism or you go full monty on the blood and guts. This was the latter as if I was watching a film student ripping off the SAW franchise. To say that this was an unpleasant experience is an understatement, but back to the religion stuff. There's a shit ton of it and he's spreading it thick like cement; he's layering it like a parfait; pick a metaphor. 

This was in the trailer so it's fair game. Really driving the Garden of Eden metaphor all the way home. 

One thing that my friend and I agreed on was this whole idea that Aronofsky seems to be obsessed with is the parable from the Old Testament where God is apparently drunk on the job and keeps creating societies that he disapproves of, boom comes a flood, and clean new start. That's actually explored and nuanced (somewhat sloppily in his prior film; Noah), but that sentiment is crammed down our throats so hard with a chimney sweep's brush. Apparently Aronofsky has never heard of nor is familiar with the concept of subtlety. I really can't go further into it without revealing the plot and the marketing department made so sure that they weren't going to give away ANYTHING to trick people into shelving out 12 dollars to see CENSORED CENSORED of fucking CENSORED CENSORED. Here are a few biblical themes that I'm just going to shuffle for you just to confuse you because I'm confused and I don't want to be the only one: Cain and Abel, immaculate conception, Sodom and Gomorrah, Jesus healing the blind, lots of Jesus actually; garden of Eden, forbidden fruit, original sin, there's some myth of Sisyphus sprinkled on it as well. It literally just builds until even the most well versed graduate student in Divinity would go; fuck this shit. 

Director David Cronenberg in between takes with his star James Woods on the set of the film Videodrome; which this film steals heavily from and as a Cronenberg superfan, it's infuriating. 

Want to watch a competent film with religious allegory check out Fellini's Satyricon, Peter Jackson's Heavenly Creatures, Todd Hayne's Poison, ANYTHING by Ingmar Bergman, or even some episodes of 'Lost' will do. 

Another thing that really pissed me off was that Aronofsky decided to throw out structure all together. You really would think that this was some bullshit made by a first year film student at a bottom tier film school (sorry film schools). Movie takes two and a half acts to movie and most of the first 110 or so minutes are following Jennifer Lawrence with a shaky hand held, camera making me more nauseous than watching Blair Witch on the big screen. It was done so much ad nauseam that I actually got to study her cool updo's and french braids pretty well because there was little else to do. 

Again, I really can't go into the plot, and if I did, you wouldn't see the film, but how about this; take my word for it. I'll even throw money into the pot. Don't see this movie. Or do, you might be a masochist, whatever. 

The golden rule of filmmaking that was first coined by the late great Billy Wilder and echoed by filmmakers worth their salt for generations is; 'respect your audience'. You're not making a film for yourself, you're making it so others will see it otherwise, what's the damned point? Aronofsky apparently didn't get that memo. 

Body Shaming Gigi Hadid. The World Has Officially Lost Its Mind

Gigi Hadid on Instagram

When I wake up I usually check my Zite app on my commute to catch up on pop culture news, and then stuff that's happening in the world like the Republican debate, the pope's visit to America and other stuff...you know, priorities. What popped up today made me sick to my stomach. And it's funny that stuff about a supermodel being bullied on social media has that effect on me, but sorry not sorry? 

Show-stopping end of Hilfiger's show at NYFF this year with Gigi leading the way. 

Backstory. I'm an avid die-hard Real Housewives fan, especially The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. We were first introduced to basically the hottest model commodity in the fashion world today through the franchise as she was the daughter of one of the principal cast members (also a model). Gigi Hadid is the product of Yolanda Foster and Muhammad Hadid. At 16 she was already modeling. When your mother is a former supermodel herself, you can rely on contracts from IMG, Wilhelmina, and Ford from age 4. She was seriously stunning. Like her mother, she stood around 5'10 and had legs for days and a beautiful voluptuous body. If you watched the show you know that even before she started her career her mother was really stringent about Gigi's diet and exercise routine, considering blessed with literally the best genes on the planet there's really no need for that. I always thought that Andy Cohen would do a spin off on Gigi and her younger sister Bella (also a model, and also freakin' gorgeous) but then Gigi up and moved to New York to quote pursue a modeling career while studying criminal psychology, suffice it to say the latter didn't work out. But god damn her modeling career took off and she was quickly walking the runways in Paris, New York, and Milan, and appeared on every single billboard for Guess, and graced the covers of Vogue, W, and the like. 

Like mother like daughter. Yolanda Foster on the left during her equally successful modeling career. 

And I'm sorry but the era of heroin-chic that Kate Moss dominated is long over. We don't need our models to look like they are in the terminal stages of drug addiction any more. Setting those kind of sick unachievable standards was just wrong and I can't believe that dark circles under your eyes, a paler beyond pale complexion and bones sticking out of every part of your body was considered sexy. 

Anyway, back to Gigi. She's fresh faced, blonde, and unimaginably beautiful and graceful. And homegirl knows how to model. Again, she was raised by a model, so... After she opened up an Instagram account, we all got to see the behind-the-scenes Gigi and god damnit, she's just as gorgeous just hanging out on her couch. For fuck's sake. And now people are giving her shit? I object! Have you SEEN her instagram? I'd die for selfie's like that. I know she's a model, and I know the standards are high, but in my opinion, SHE'S the standard for all other models right now. Her legs start at her neck, her lips are naturally big and pillowy so there's no need for duckface, and her hair is luxuriously long. She literally looks like a Disney princess that the Disney animators were never creative enough to invent. Seriously world? Body shaming a supermodel? I can tell just by looking at her that she probably wears a size 2 or 0, and can pull off wearing literally ANYTHING so shut up people. That's just wrong. 

If you were this hot, you'd take a bunch of Instagram selfies too. SMIZE!

You're probably jealous because there's not a flaw on Gigi Hadid, and  you have nothing better to do with your time than troll instagram and get envious. Yeah, fuck her for having flawless skin, long flowy hair, big beautiful eyes, and a penchant for mirror selfies (that last one I'm totally guilty of, so I feel her pain, the rest not so much). And body shaming? In a world where cyberbullying is so revolting that it leads to suicide, could you be a little more careful with where you direct your abject negativity? Or here's a thought, not use it at all and shut the fuck up? 

body shaming? urly?

She was raised right though, she responded in a very classy way shutting down her haters. 'I hope everyone gets to a place in their life where they'd rather talk about things that inspire them over things that bring others down.' Simple, but right on the money. I know not a lot of you follow her on Instagram (I do, yay me!) and even fewer of you paid attention to New York Fashion Week this year, but she killed it (especially at the grand finally of Tommy Hilfiger's show), so for your own dignity, just stop. If anything it makes you look like more of a loser, especially when you resort to something so abhorrent as body shaming; which to me, is absolutely inexcusable. It's cruel, and it says more about you as a terrible human being than the person you're doing it to. Ok I'm done.