Who are your long lost BFF's on The People's Couch?

Bravo in all of it's infinite wisdom has realized that its own roster of shows is far too ridiculous, as well as most of the crap that's out there let's just be real. So to cushion the blow that you get from every cliffhanger on Empire or every hair pulling fight on the Real Housewives, it has provided you with the snarkiest TV audience groups that can watch all of it with you, and say out loud what we're all feeling. It's difficult for me to convince my regular three dimensional friends to watch Southern Charm with me...ironically, even if I throw in a drinking game and a quesadilla. I guess my friends just hate fun. I didn't mean that, I love you all, but can we not hike like one day of the weekend? I like to spend my Saturday's horizontal shame-eating slices of Havarti cheese, and ragging on what The Bachelorette is wearing...in my bathrobe. So to Bravo, thank you for manufacturing people that feel the same, and getting so damn meta about your damn self. If you've watched the show, you already have a favorite couch group, but I'll provide you with them and some choice quotes. I love them all, don't ask me to choose. 

L to R: Rashawn, Princella, and Lamont. They are hilarious. It's Princella that usually has the over the top reaction, and Lamont always just side-eyes her. He's the best at throwing wife shade. 

Amanda and Kenya. Best friends, they finish each others sentences and always are en pointe with heavy criticism. Out of everyone they are the least sarcastic ...they didn't even have much to say during the Eurovision Awards...I mean urly? 

Teddy, Ayn and Sue...BFF's. Like literally. You would think they are very proper and prim, but you would not believe what comes out of their mouths. Where did you learn to speak that way young lady?

Blake, Scott, and Emerson. These three friends reminds me basically of my 20's. So. Much. Shade. But in the world's snarkiest way. When Whitney Sudler-Smith, resident douche canoe on Southern Charm called Craig a 'cocksucker' dear Emerson (sincerely confused) quipped: 'Since when was that a bad thing?' I heart them forever.

The Resnicks. The family closest to my heart. Three sisters (no their not Haim) and their dad Joe. The poor man has to deal with so much millenial angst and screaming at the top of their lungs every time any one on Vanderpump Rules makes out...which is quite often. 

Julie and Brandy...and their three adorable chihuahuas. They have to be my personal favorite, props to them for saying what I was about to say EVERY DAMN TIME. After watching the limo gimmicks on the new Bachelorette Brandy had no issue with saying that's why the show is great, because it's all sociopaths. You go girl. 

Sisters Cathy and Destiny are both certified to make citizens arrest. No idea why that's important but they are the queens of overreactions. And it's awesome. 

Below, some clips: 

I Reject This Rose

Jojo Fletcher, not good enough for the last bachelor, but good enough to fight off 25 douches.

Alright cats and dogs...when I'm feeling a little down slash bored, I'll pop a Xanax and watch The Bachelorette. I have no problem admitting that. And this season, although it's only been the first episode in, is none stop bananas. It's so unintentionally camp it might actually be genius. It's like Valley of the Dolls without the fun stuff: pills, boobies, and musical numbers. Although there's a lot of boozing it up. I immediately loved how all of the guys in the house started drinking like famished water buffalos because they'd never seen a girl as beautiful as Jojo Fletcher...the Bachelorette. She got dumped by the last bachelor ergo she's the new bachelorette. But seriously fellas? The most beautiful woman ever? I mean she's fine, but she's not Charlize Theron. She's your standard basic bitch with a really annoying giggle, sparkly dresses, and your average passé balayage. 

Someone get this girl a water hose. 

But the guys vying for her eternal love (because that is something that definitely exists in the reality TV universe) are perhaps the most hilarious bag of strays the producers could find. First, they fling the athletes at her, and by athletes I mean guys who failed to make it to the pros because of a 'troubled past', like that trope isn't getting tired. Then the about 10 or so 'real estate developers'. And then, my favorite part; the freaks. There's a guy dressed as Santa (awesome), A half Chinese half Scottish guy who came in a kilt, which I think is hot considering I spent a year in Scotland, but he immediately gets shade from everyone in the tapered Men's Warehouse suits. My favorite is the 'professional Canadian'. I shit you not, under his name, where your occupation goes the producers chose to write 'Canadian'. Because those are so goddamn rare in the continental United States. It's like a white tiger. The limo gimmicks are the best, I DVR those. This time they were pretty boring. I think one guy threw an internet meme at her that fell flat on its face, and another 'bro' made her drink wine from the bottle...classy.

Usually there's like one or so hot mess the first night that immediately gets eliminated, I mean this isn't Rock of Love: Bus, but it seemed like that first night they were all knocking them back. It was kind of like watching my worst nightmare in HD. You know that one guy at the bar, who's so drunk and full of himself he sounds like Matthew McConaughey with a speech impediment and starts to mansplain your life to you even though he just met you? Yeah it was like 25 clones of THAT GUY, poor Jojo. 

Ok now sit on the plexiglass, and try to look as pretentious as possible. Yes, creepy relentless smile, good...also we love that you're into sparkly Taylor Swift dresses from 6 years ago.

Alas, I don't know what she's thinking, based on how she talks I imagine it's just like butterflies and unicorns in her cabeza, so she kept the drunkies, the mansplainers, and the too-boring-to-be-called-anything-but-douche-lords. Why am I throwing so much shade? For all of the ironic fun I get from watching garbage and texting my friends about how garbage the garbage is, this is ultimately what's wrong with the world. It was a fun little reality gimmick, but now it's going on it's like 20th or so season? I mean there's a guy on the show who's 'job' is 'professional Bachelor superfan', I don't know how he's going back to his family without a disguise after this. Yeah, it's fun to watch, just like eating whipped cream with a spoon sounds like a good idea; it's a nice substitute for feeling your feelings. But, I'd rather take a healthy dose of a Bravo show that doesn't take itself so goddamn seriously and makes people believe they'll actually live happily ever after because of the show, because magic exists. At least with the Real Housewives, I can laugh with them and enjoy myself. This is perhaps the ultimate waste of time. It's basically the Taco Bell of reality TV. It looks fine on the outside but for the love of god, don't think too hard about what's inside.

Does He or Doesn't He?

Brooks and Vicki...uhhhhhhhh

I'm so hesitant to even bring this up because this is too much for even the Reality TV universe and it's trashiest campiest incarnation; The Real Housewives. But being the die-hard fan that I am, I'm gonna. My ladies of Beverly Hills aren't currently airing, and Jersey is on hiatus (Fre Tre!) look it up. So there's nothing left but the OC. The OG of the Real Housewives, and the absolute worst people ever. Still! For those of you not in the know, the OG of the OC is plastic surgery aficionado and general batshit professional yeller Vicki Gunvalson. That show has been on or nearly 9 years, and she's been on every single season. She's beat the matrix. And she's got a new beau (I just watched Coen Brothers stuff). Well, he's pretty old considering how fast these ladies go through husbands, ergo it's ironic to even call them 'housewives', but anyway, this guy is the incomparable Brooks, whom no one likes. And I'm not talking no one on the show...I'm talking no one in this known universe. He's shady AF, and has been exposed for lie after malicious lie, which he loves to pin on the other cast members with his sickening Southern drawl and holier-than-thou smirk. 

And now he might have told the biggest one ever, which I can't even say that I believe or don't because I like to avoid lawsuits when possible. The whole season this year revolves around Brook's alleged cancer. A lot of the girls, well basically all of them think it's a pile of steaming hot dog shit. But Vicki is standing by Brooks no matter the fact that all of the evidence points to the contrary. 

Some backstory. A big smoking gun was Heather Dubrow. She's married to Terry Dubrow, who even if you don't get plastic surgery on a regular basis, you've heard of. He's the Michelangelo of Beverly Hills (and Orange County for the sake of the show) and is literally the most famous plastic surgeon on the continental United States. Though being married to such, Heather has (for the most part) avoided plastic surgery, but that doesn't mean that being married to a doctor hasn't given her SOME know-how. When Brook's brazenly bragged about the fact that he's not doing chemotherapy and instead opting for really experimental holistic treatment with a doctor, whom she knows personally she stressed to the other housewives and the world that this is a doctor who specializes in cellulite treatment that she had after giving birth. Now, you don't need to have passed the M-CATS to know that if you have cancer, you need to go to a real doctor. And every type has a different specialist. Brooks claims to have Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, a very aggressive and painful cancer that requires very aggressive treatment. Now, maybe Brooks wants to avoid really Walter Whitey type of treatment that will keep him on bed rest and cause his hair to fall out, but will in the end prolong his life and better his health and try basically the horoscope of medical treatment, but even so, every time he comes on screen, he looks like he just got back from a spa. Are you worried about your hair falling out? You barely have any to begin with. 

I know that Heather's Joan Crawford eye-brows always look like she's shocked, but even without them, she's always in shock. Oh my!

I honestly can't give more of an opinion than that, well at least publicly, alone at home with a bottle of chardonnay who know's what I say? But I just have to say that it doesn't surprise me that a man known for compulsively almost habitually lying about his past, is lying now. I'm skeptical, let's just leave it at that. Now, if Bravo doesn't confirm one way or another by the end of the season we are all going to be severely pissed. And I have to say, that regardless of how shameless it is to milk a cancer story much like they milked the very real battle that Yolanda Foster (cast member of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) had to face with Lyme disease, it makes for good drama, especially when it's a cad like Brooks, and someone that has such strangely motivated blind faith as Vicki. Shannon ever so cleverly quipped that Vicki is a smart cookie. Which she is. And 'if anyone knows, Vicki knows'. 

Even a 30-year-old ditz can google 'non-hodgkins lymphoma'. Yeeesh.

Personally I could care less, it's good TV, can't believe I just said that. But here's the thing, if he is lying, he is going to that very last ring of hell to spend eternity with child molesters, Hitler, and screenwriters who write themselves into scripts. I honestly can't believe what kind of bad juju, karma, whatever you want to call it is going to come back at him. Even if it's not, how is he sleeping at night? Even on Vicki's Egyptian cotton sheets. I can't believe I'm going to say this but I'm with Meghan (the newest and youngest addition to the cast) on this one. She's not too bright, but knows how to utilize google for research much better than Bella in Twilight (though that's not saying much) and it doesn't take an arduous online search to figure out that Brook's story and diagnosis is not adding up with how he's handling it, specifically how he's going about his treatment. As Heather said, why not just show the medical papers and shut everyone up. The truth always comes out. Just can't believe we have to wait until the season finale (airing next week) to see it. 

Take the Trash Out: Replace Brandi and Kim with Gigi and Bella!

Gigi (Left) and Bella (Right) Hadid seriously take the best instagrams in the world. Were there Oscars for that they would clean up.

So Thursday news broke that not only was Kim Richards (Hot Mess Express, lying alcoholic bitchface) was fired from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but Brandi Glanville (resident legs-for-days, loud-mouthed, also-kind-of-a-drunk) would be leaving the Bravo studios with their last paychecks.

Now, every one is probably all see ya never about the whole thing, but I’m in a bit of a quagmire. A network that didn’t stop filming this franchise when one of the house-husbands hangs himself and blames it on the show in his suicide note is going to fire two ‘troublemakers’ urly? Isn’t that your bread and butter Bravo?

Kyle finally snapped, granted I can't believe it took her this long, and with surrogate mother, Lisa Vanderpump holding her hand, she told her sister to basically fuck off out of her life, good riddance Kim. 

Basically what you’ve just done was make the show highly boring. I’m sure Season 6 (yes, that’s how far the Beverly Hills franchise has come) will be a total snooze fest. I’m glad to have the additions of Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson, because as former soap opera stars, they know how to bring the drama without being hot messes, so they are my bastions of hope. Coupled with the mother hen and definitive foundation of the show, classiest bitch on the planet, and the glue that holds this shit show together; Lisa Vanderpump, maybe there’s hope. 

Kyle, the long suffering younger sister of Kim who has been taking care of said evil bitch and her oh so obvious drug and alcohol problems since she was basically a teenager and has to deal with the guilt that she never had those problems, she married well and has a beautiful family, and got more in her mother’s will than Kim did can finally break free from the diamond chains. At the last reunion, none of us really went in watching liking Kyle too much, because she’s self-richeous and passive aggressive. But then we saw how Kim bullied her sister and had probably been doing so for decades we all went team Kyle especially when she finally cracked, broke into tears and yelled ‘You’re so fucking mean! Just leave me alone!’ Draaaaaama. Now who are we going to yell that at? As mentioned before Lisa Vanderpump, her husband Ken, and her alopecia-inflicted toy Pomeranian Giggy are just too classy to give any fucks whatsoever.

Let's be honest, at first we thought these two buckets of botox drenched in chardonnay were kind of fun, but now it's like  the Witches of Eastwick, I say that because Kim (on the left) starred in that movie, oh the irony.

Here’s my few cents. The other pillar of the Beverly Hills franchise that entered the scene in Season 3 was Dutch beauty, former model, hotter than the sun itself, take no bullshit, Martha Stewart-esque, flower collecting, Master Cleanse obsessed Yolanda Foster. Quick history. She lives in a Malibu palace, she’s married to 80-time (no exaggeration) Grammy award winning producer David Foster and her two oldest daughters are literally the most famous models in the world right now. Again, no exaggeration. Want that life? Yeah we all do. And she worked her ass off for it. She hates drunk women, exercises 5 hours a day, and reminds every member of her family how much she loves them on a daily basis. She’s the person to model your life after. So anyway, with all that swagger, she’s still kind of boring because she’s just too perfect, and also she might reject another season because poor thing has been suffering from Lyme disease for 3 years now.

The ridiculously gorgeous Yolanda Foster with husband David Foster. You didn't think a woman who looked like that would have amazingly hot spawn?

Her daughters from her first marriage; Gigi and Bella Hadid are insane, ok? They are gorgeous.  Every time you drive by a billboard in LA or walk into any boutique in New York, you’ll see either one of them on foam board. And yes it’s all-natural, they just have amazing genes. It’s like could you be more annoyingly and ridiculously perfect? Fuck you.

Tall, rich, and adorable. Basically perfect. You want to hate them but you just can't. (Yolanda in the middle with Gigi on her left and Bella on her right)

Anyway!! David Foster’s two grown girls from another marriage (he’s got like 12 kids from previous marriages) have their own redundant and short-lived MTV show called Barely Famous, or Barely Legal, some fucking shit I don’t know. MAKE A SHOW ABOUT BELLA AND GIGI, and nix the Beverly Hills franchise all-together. When people are getting too drunk to be on Bravo, you’ve got a problem, mister. I’m pointing a finger at you Andy Cohen. Maybe don’t have so many open bars or staged ‘dinner parties’ it’s like being fired from Guns ‘n Roses for being too drunk. You’re about to sink. You’ve got assets thanks to Yolanda (our hope, our light, our savior in heaven) use them!

Let's see if I can find interesting clips if I did, they're below:

Below two intros the first from 3 the second from season 4, how things have changed. You can literally see Brandi's dark side come out in 30 seconds. 

Did You Watch the Season Finale of Southern Charm? I Did!

Cameran is not impressed.

One of the many guilty pleasures slated on the Bravo Network is Real Housewives and Alcoholics of the South…excuse me, Southern Charm. And is it ever a guilty pleasure. Even an Ivy League grad that is a few steps ahead of you in the life game will tell you they turn on at least one of the Real Housewives franchise once a week, but no one will willingly admit to watching Southern Charm, well guess what…I will.

Bravo very cleverly marketed the first season as not your ‘child pageant, duck calling, moonshining show’, because that’s what was beyond cash cowing TV up last year. Also, it became to represent The South to us normal people above the Mason-Dixon line. They were like; guess what America there’s culture down there. And culture as defined by Bravo is people with a six-figure  bank account, a pretty serious penchant for alcohol, and general sluttiness or douche-baggery. So they found 6 people, and anyone who knows anything about the Reality TV cannon knows that that’s the magic number of people to follow. Remember Jersey Shore? Otherwise it’s too any people to shower with your precious attention. This season, they added another character and she was worth more drama than all of them combined. Here’s how else things have changed for the privileged class of Charleston, SC.

Season 2 cast. L to R (Craig, Cameran, Landon, Shep, Thomas, Katherine, and Whitney) the only one missing? Jenna. Guess her sugar daddy made her move to New York to pay for all those Louboutins.

Cameran – The designated ‘voice of reason’ slash uberhottie slash mother hen of the group got married and in her own words was no longer interesting. Yeah, Cameran I’d like to take it a step further and call you a full on walking snooze fest. There was some b-roll of you getting wasty-pants election night, but that’s about it. No one wants to hear how you don’t actually cook for your husband and buy pre-bought food, unless perhaps I had just been lobotomized. Then maybe.

The pride of Charleston. L to R A trust fund baby (Shep), a douche canoe (Whitney), and an alcoholic failed lawyer (Craig). Yum.

Shep – The overgrown manchild is still really, really ridiculous. His logic is so flawed you’d want to kill yourself if he wasn’t so darn cute and articulate. A self-proclaimed over-educated under-motivated trust fund brat is still 35 and womanizing, it’s getting sad. But he did buy a house and his own restaurant, just so his brother wouldn’t one-up him, not because he actually found interest in anything. Here’s to dying alone, Shep!

Craig – Oy to the vey. Last year Craig was the glimmer of hope, the one with an actual job (gasp!) not living off a trust fund, working in a law firm, studying for the bar, though his hissy fits about ‘bro-code’ didn’t win him any extra points. This season, he was sliding down that success ladder so fast I’m shocked that he’s not splintered all over. Busting out with a huge drinking problem, and serious FOMO, Craig told Cameran that ‘girls are his favorite pursuit’ and even after losing his prestigious job at a reputable law firm, he still hadn’t bottomed out. VIP status at the best clubs South of Broad was more important than the Bar Exam.

Senator Thomas Ravenel (aka T-Rav) – The borderline creepy pedophilic senator with a blemished past (convicted felon to be specific…for drug trafficking to be even more specific) finally became a father. That 21 year old he was courting through season 1? That’s the baby mama. Oh did I mention that he was 51? Do you see some red flags? Anywho, chasing a pipe dream he decided to run against Lindsey Graham for the SC Senate seat. Urly? He came in at 4% but not before dumping said baby mama on facebook and being slapped with assault charges by her hairdresser. Accept defeat Senator. When everyone’s saying that you’re dead it’s time to lie down.

Kinda sad it didn't work out between these two despite the 29 year age gap. As Landon put Katherine's situation. She's a 22 year old unwed mother in Charleston, she has no choice but to try to make it work.

Katherine Dennis – She’s the new edition. Right after stirring up serious drama in the first season and sleeping with the entire main cast, she set her sights on Thomas and secured regular status on the show. Shedding that baby weight as if it melted off of her in a hot shower, and getting rid of that ridiculous clown hair, the 22 year old new mom proved to be an emerging face of maturity and grace even though in the end she lost, she actually won…our respect that is. Sorry, senator.

Landon….something – She’s pretty forgettable and perhaps the most shrill person on TV ever. After a messy divorce (gasp! No one in Charleston gets divorced, they weather the storm and eventually end it violently) she moved back to SC to get moving on her life as a single girl again, but most of it was lamenting about her married life and how no one in her family will accept that she chose to walk away, brave but again kinda boring. The shrill thing didn’t help.

Whitley Sudler-Smith – And finally circling back to the center of the shrubbery maze is this half a person half the world’s biggest douche-canoe. Hipster-elitist piece of sweaty dogshit that also serves as exec producer of the show is only interesting because he shows up every episode with his giant spoon and stirs the pot. Giving the senator last year so much flack for dating a 21 year old, Whitney choked on his own medicine dating someone even younger when he’s not much younger than T-Rav (you confused yet?) His only endearing quality is his mother, who’s even crazier than him but in a fabulous way. Just picture Norma Desmond with 8 Hermès bags and a Southern accent. Patricia, I love you but can you replace your son on the show? Let’s make it happen.

Season 2 Sneak Peek below: 

What is Bravo Trying to Tell Us About Our LifeStyle?

Brandi Glanville joined the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills after 3 seasons and enjoys her time as resident trouble maker, binge-drinker, and wine-thrower. She's the classic Bravo celebrity.

To preface, Jennifer Lawrence is a self-proclaimed reality TV junkie, ergo there's no shame in it. Whatever J-Law does is cool mmmkay? There's no greater cesspool of reality bacteria than that on the Bravo Network. Spearheaded by the indelible Andy Cohen who rescued the network from reruns of 'Inside the Actor's Studio' and the lowest ratings in TV history into the most watched channel across the continental US, Cohen keeps coming out with franchise after franchise, none of which has seen more success than 'The Real Housewives of...'

Now, even a junkie like me has to cherry pick. I have pride. I only religiously tune in to New Jersey, Orange County, and my beloved ladies of Beverly Hills. Out of the ashes of Beverly Hills, when post-menopausal women doing yoga and going to botox parties became less and less interesting, came the irreverent 'Vanderpump Rules'. Let me explain. Lisa Vanderpump is a 'housewife' which is ironic because she's a working woman, and a Beverly Hills transplant from England. Anyway! She has two (now three) restaurants in the greater Los Angeles area. Villa Blanca in Beverly Hills...you know, who cares? the newly opened gay bar Pump (which I heard is abysmal, also being next door to West Hollywood's Abbey Food & Bar, a landmark in the gay community) suffice it to say, it's not getting much business despite the pretentious and overpriced drinks. The third is a bar and lounge that I used to frequent back in my LA days called SUR also in the heart of West Hollywood. It's kind of like Abercrombie & Fitch for drinkers. She only hires young hot actor/model wannabe's filled with righteous indignation, body glitter, and draaaaaama with a capital F. 

This season of 'Vanderpump Rules' saw a goddamn wedding. Backstory: that girl in the ridiculous crop-top wedding dress is Scheana Marie whom we were introduced to in Real Housewives of Bev-Hills because she cheated on the husband of one of the cast members, and now like every girl pushing 35, she decided to settle for some boring nothing. I don't have to tell you anything about him, the picture says it all. 

Juxtaposing these two shows together it's actually quite surprising considering the ladies of 'Vanderpump Rules' seem to have it more together and more of a clear head on their shoulders being in their late 20's early 30's than the parakeets in their 50's of the Real Housewives cast. 

Let's talk marriage. It's very ironic calling the franchise 'Real Housewives of' anything. Most are divorced or going to be, usually for the dumbest reasons, while the ladies of Vanderpump though all aboard the hot mess express on a regular basis at least have their men in check. Example: 'Tequila' Katie from the Vanderpump cast finally sat her slacker boyfriend down and said; 'listen bitch, you have six months to propose to me or I'm moving on'. You go girl. I'm not saying that this is an agist thing. Yes a lot of the housewives look like melted barbies (especially in Orange County) but their god complexes get in the way of actual happiness, this is all considering that optimal happiness for them means more than 5 pairs of Louboutins. 

Kim Richards; the hot mess. Was anyone really surprised that she fell off the wagon and lied about it through an entire season of Real Housewives? Not I. 

Now, on to lifestyle choices. Let's branch out. Bravo seems to be very hypocritical and also a bit exploitive of people's drinking issues. They tend to cast people right on the cusp and push them over the edge. With all of the open bar parties they stage for the cameras, they could be considered one giant enabler. Hell, Andy Cohen will sit down at a reunion show with you or inside his 'clubhouse' and make a margarita in your mouth right after an episode airs which brings up your 'drinking problem'. The last season of the 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' centered around Kim Richards (former child star extraordinaire and general psycho) and the giant question mark regarding her 'sobriety' since she admitted on live television that she had gone to rehab for her alcoholism, and this season it's apparent to everyone with eyes that she's not exactly following through. The last episode was 45 minutes of the six cast members arguing about whether or not the word 'intervention' was actually used in conversation regarding her. Talk about stretching content. And then it comes out that she got wasted at the Beverly Hilton and kicked a cop, were any of us surprised? No. Is Andy Cohen secretly happy because he gets to have a 1 on 1 special with her now? Yes. 

The new show 'Southern Charm' is a bit of a sleeper hit. Small cast, cute city (Charleston), and though the cast like everyone else on Bravo, is loaded, they are very self-aware of that and how obnoxious they can be. Just like on basically every other Bravo show, there is a character whom we can already see going to the dark side. Previews of his intervention are in the works. Now, Andy is not stupid, when someone busts out with their alcoholism, that makes for excellent TV. Though no Emmy in sight for him in the near future. 

The cast of the 2nd season of 'Southern Charm' behind the million dollar smiles and designer dresses, there is drama-a-brewing.

Now that Bravo has decided to (gasp) go scripted with shows like 'Odd Mom Out' and 'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' the well of vodka-soaked divorce-ridden drama has clearly run dry. But I'm sure the great and powerful Andy Cohen still has a couple tricks up his sleeve. And alas, against everyone's better judgement the Real Housewives franchise is still going strong. The first one was 10 years ago if you can believe it, and as long as they keep up the formula of pure schadenfreude they'll be ok. There is always going to be an endless stream of cutaways to people taking copious shots, girls crying, and guys fighting. On that alone, Bravo has built one of the most successful TV empires known to man. As far as guilty pleasures go, it's one of the best. As Cameran (cast member on 'Southern Charm' and the definitive 'voice of reason' of the show) ever so cleverly quipped; All aboard the hot mess express. Toot, toot!

Intros to some of these shows below. Because, why not?

Let Me Explain Housewives Culture to You

Promo still for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 4 reunion. Premiered yesterday.

I hate reality TV, and I mean with an adult pre-occupying hate. There is really nothing likable about it except for the schaudenfreude we all feel after finishing an episode of Couples Therapy or some show where someone's just the personification of the 'hot-mess express', which is basically every show. You look into my iTunes library, and it's seasons of cerebral shows like Sherlock, Mad Men, Downton Abbey, some Lost because you know, of course), and then a plethora; just a cornucopia of different episodes of different incarnations of the Real Housewives franchise. I have two favorites, the others, I really don't pay much attention to, but the 'classy' ladies from Beverly Hills and the nutbags from New Jersey have transfixed me, and I'm an Ivy League graduate. It's beyond a guilty pleasure it's more of a guilty obsession, to where I actually imagine myself on the cast. 

Frenemies Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump share a laugh on Watch What Happens Live.

Here's the irony, a lot of these women are not even housewives. They are not even wives some of them. Par example; Brandi Glanville a regular 'housewife' on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has been divorced for 6 years. Another member of the cast; Lisa Vanderpump is certainly not what we think of as a housewife considering she's an entrepreneur and a working woman, with 2 high-end restaurants in Los Angeles to constantly manage. But apparently being the equivalent of a homemaker is not the criteria it takes anymore to be cast on this Bravo juggernaut. 

White house gate crashers Michaele Salahi and Tareq Salahi shake hands with President Obama. 

One incarnation of the franchise that I loved was The Real Housewives of DC, which was absolutely brilliant. When it ran for it's one and only season back in 2009-2010, DC was the 'it' city with everyone's fascination tuned into that city's culture. Obama had just become president, and it was a hub of culture and activity. It was like move over San Francisco, Portland, and New Orleans, there's cool shit going on in DC. Bravo was not about to let that pass them by, and decided to move their cameras to DC, and what was cool about those broads was that unlike most other housewives from basically every city that they pick, they actually had class, were 'old money', and spoke articulately, which is something you never expect from a Bravo syndicated show. There was just a tiny bomb on that train which happened to explode all over the network and they found themselves in some serious hot water and that bomb goes by the name Tareq and Michaele Salahi. Remember them? The White House Party crashers? Yeah they were on the show, and Michaele was a bona fied housewife, but believe me, it didn't take for the others long to figure out just how big of a phony she really was and when the gate crashing happened and the two were put on trial, the other housewives had a big laugh watching it together to bask in the glory that was Michaele's demise. Unfortunately, because of that little stunt, Bravo was disallowed from continuing the DC franchise and there were no more seasons filmed there. 

Table flipping, weave-pulling, and general screaming was a staple of the Jersey Housewives franchise. 

The Jersey housewives kill me because there is literally nothing stopping them from bad and tacky behavior. These are not 'ladies', these are Jersey girls, who all married rich and now they get to act like completely despicable morons, but it always comes back to the same thing 'family' a very Jersey notion. And also very ironic because most of them spend their free time which is all their time trying to sabotage one another considering that most of them are related, so I'm not sure how high 'family' actually exists in the totem pole of important things for them. I'd imagine somewhere between Louis Vuitton handbags, and cheap wine. 

A never-ending supply of booze was definitely a housewife unto itself. 

And then there's my favorite girls to see unravel with every blessed episode; The chicks from the hills, Beverly to be exact, so much irony in calling them that since most of them don't even LIVE in Beverly Hills. One lives in Malibu, two in Belaire, and I think one's even in the Valley. They switch up that cast the way a girl switches up her favorite pair of jeans to wear. Lately they've had two additions; British-born Wicca Carlton whom I love, and Puerto-Rican beauty queen Joyce, whom I can't stand...and let's face it, none of us can. Drunky Taylor, who's husband killed himself probably because the show was getting a bit too close for comfort on all of his embezzlements and fraudulent money deals, is off the show (fucking finally) as is heiress, gravely-voiced monster uberbitch, Adrienne Maloof. And that's all well and good, but I love how even in the face of the worst kind of estrogen motivated backstabbing and drunken arguments, they still manage to act like ladies...this includes Brandi by the way. For those not in the know, Brandi came on like a spitball on fire as Adrienne's then Lisa's BFF, who was cheated on by her husband B-movie actor, Eddie Cibrian with his co-star at the time, Leanne Rhymes. She drinks, she cusses, she wears clothes that are far too revealing but keep in mind she's a former model, that's just par for the course. She's kind of like the American Patsy Stone if Patsy Stone was a real person. She's had tiffs with basically everyone else on that show but still somehow manages to come out on top, and not because she's taller than everyone else. I think she's basically the main reason to watch it if you're going to get into it. At the reunion, which premiered its first half yesterday she had no problem telling Joyce that she looks like an Olympic figure skater in her dress, adding to that 'Sochi's calling bitch'. So I guess that's basically why. It's also the same reason women tend to 'hate their friends'...there's even a term for that; remember 'frenemies'? In Julie and Julia (2008) there's this great scene when Julie her husband and her friend are eating and Julie says 'what does it mean when you don't like your friends?' and her friend answers back 'it's totally normal', then her husband tries to add 'men like their friends!' and Julie says 'we're not talking about men, who's talking about men?'. So if you're a woman, you should get into it, the only season running now is The Real Housewives of NYC, which has been a snoozefest since Bethenny Frankel left, so punch those reruns into your iTunes and prepare to laugh your ass off if not find yourself totally relating to some completely inexcusable behavior, because you know what ladies? It's all within us, these broads just have the balls to show it off, in front of cameras. Once a week. On Bravo...in 8 inch Louboutin stilettos. 

RHOBH Season 2 intro, with some old faces, that look like new faces thanks Botox! Damn these girls are smart...no sassy, sassy's the word I'm looking for :P

RHODC intro. They just have the 1. Sorry for inability to find clips Bravo runs a tight ship. 

And finally the new seasons of Jersey intro. You can just smell the animosity.

'Southern Charm' Translates Into Day Drinking and General Philandering

The cast of Southern Charm, the only way you can tell this doesn't take place in Beverly Hills is that they are in a southern style mansion (or set) and the men are wearing three piece suits.

Bravo has definitely bled the Los Angeles area dry with all of their reality garbage from the OG Real Housewives of the OC to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, to Vanderpump Rules, to Shahs of Sunset to...you know fuck it. But then they remembered that one of the most popular series of their Real Housewives franchise was the one in Atlanta bitches. So they decided to take that private jet with Andy Cohen's face on the sie of it back to the south and this time plant it in one of the oldest city in our sad little country; Charleston. A city I was only aware of after watching Gone With the Wind (1939). 

A Southern Gentleman...why? Because he's sitting on a yacht. 

In actuality, Charleston is steeped in an amazing history. They've kind of been in hibernation since they were founded back in the day (1600's) and live by those same principals (slavery and blatant racism aside). The Southern gentleman for the men, the Southern Belle for the ladies, the coming out parties, the mint juleps, sounds quite awesome honestly. Also, it's a beautiful place, you know from pictures I've seen. 

So this show is about rich people in Charleston, just like every other reality show on Bravo is about rich people, mostly in the Los Angeles metropolitan area, but this time it's pretty cool. It's like the new money of Beverly Hills meets the old standards and mannerisms of England that the settlers brought with them to the good ol' south. 

A real Southern gentleman. The British, Leslie Howard. 

I just remember it being hilarious and wonderfully ironic that in Gone with the Wind (1939) that takes place largely in and outside of Charleston, the iconic 'Southern Gentleman' character is played by the English actor Leslie Howard, because lets face it, there's really nothing gentlemanly about the Southern Gentleman for like forever now. They all have what one girl on the show described as perpetual Peter Pan Syndrome, and that's what we all look for in a man isn't it ladies? It's 10am and their pouring themselves a stiff whiskey with a twist while they adjust their tie for the polo match where they'll eventually drunkenly hit on your best friend right in front of you. As it's so eloquently put in the trailer; 'here in Charleston, they'll say 'bless your heart' and turn around and stab you in the back'. So now we get to look forward to old money making jackasses out of themselves, rather than new money doing that which is just so much more fun isn't it? And aside from the geography, that's basically the only difference between this show and everything else in the Bravo shit cannon. So happy watching!