Downton Abbey Changes Name to Sluts 'R Us and Saves the Estate

Lady Rose McClare have a gay ol' time.

We finally got the long awaited premiere of Season 4 of Downton Abbey here in the states after the shocking, and I mean seriously what the hell were you thinking Julian Fellows, shocking death of Cousin Matthew Crawley (Dan Stevens). For those playing the home game you know that the reason for this was because Dan Stevens is an idiot and asked to be written out of his goldmine of a contract so that he could pursue films which are likely to flop and let's face it Downton Abbey is the biggest thing to come out of the UK since Sarah Ferguson. You don't just ask to be written out of it. That's like marrying George Clooney and then asking for a divorce because you think you can 'do better', but you fucking can't so good riddance.
The incredible disappearring Michelle Dockery returns in her role as the now widowed single mum to their baby Master George (no doubt, named after the Royal Baby) and looks pastier, and ghostlier than ever. If I saw her at the top of the stairs I'd run in the opposite direction because that is a succubus daemon about to entrap itself in my head. But hey, we all have our ways of dealing with grief, apparently Cousin Mary's is bulimia and being dead behind the eyes. 

Spunky, posh, and blonde, she could easily pass for one of Prince Harry's girlfriends.

But nevermind that, there have been some new shall we say 'loose' additions to Downton Abbey, beginning with slut-in-training and general Zelda Fitzgerald wannabe, Rose MacClare (Lily James) the devil-may-care bouncy blonde who's come from the large Scottish estate we visited in the last season to live with the Granthams because her own family can't handle her anymore, and can you blame them? She's this close to having lovers crawl up to her bedroom via her long blonde locks. And there's no shortage of them, because this twenty something is always in the mood to go out and have a good time, she actually sounds like someone I'd latch unto if I was at Downton because she could save me from the constant and unwavering want to shoot myself in the foot just so I can see some color boredom. 

Lady Edith kisses her love in public. We must alert the church elders.

Another lady coming out of her shell this season, might I add, dull, predictable, whiny shell is Lady Edith (Laura Carmichael) surprisingly enough. Without the other two sisters to steal her thunder, she's taken the reigns of the feminine respite in Downton and is continuing to date her (still married) publisher in London, going with him to 'smart restaurants' and finally 'putting some effort' into how she dresses, and you know what peeps? She cleans up nice. I mean I'd hit that now that she's wearing lipstick and strapless gowns. But she soon might follow her love to Germany where he can get a legal divorce considering his current wife is in an asylum, long story...but you know what that means, she's not going to be very comfortable in the next decade. 

Edna Braithwaite, the new O'Brien. I smell trouble...and lemonface.

Another addition to the slut squad is Edna Braithwaite (MyAnna Buring) who as you recall was fired from Downton in the last season for hitting on the still grieving Branson....classy. This time she circumvented Mrs. Hughes AND Carson (not an easy feat) and went straight through to Lady Grantham (Elizabeth McGovern) who was in a frantic state to replace her lady's maid when O'Brien up and left suddenly (good riddance, did she ask to be written out of her contract too? Good luck, lemonface). Anyway, now she's back and there's nothing they can do about it downstairs, because she's lady's maid to the lady of the house. She's kind of above everyone, and she's made an important alliance with Thomas (Rob-James Collier) because let's face it, without O'Brien he's just not evil enough anymore. And who knows who she's got her squinty eyes on this time, I bet you she's going to try it on with Lord Grantham (Hugh Bonneville) who you know has a tendency to wander especially among his maid staff. 

On a side note, James the model/footman (Ed Speleers) keeps hitting on Ivy the plain Jane kitchen maid (Clara Theobold) and it's unclear whether its for sport or because he loves to see her doting around him and gets her blind drunk one night. Times are a changin' all over the place, and I can only hope that this season of Downton Abbey is saucier than every, I mean we are in the Roaring Twenties after all. Spice things up a bit Julian!

Ode to Brigitte Bardot

Goddess

So tonight I'm keeping it mellow and settled in for a Criterion film, and one which I have shamefully never seen in my life was And God Created Woman (1956) directed by Roger Vadim and his then 21 year old wife Brigitte Bardot who he basically made into the most desired woman on the face of the earth, even for those who didn't speak French. 

Brigitte's introduction to the world. Much like what would later be done in Kubrick's Lolita (1962), a childlike seductress sits outside sunning herself in next to nothing waiting for a man to fall in love with her at first sight.

Not a natural blonde, but then again nobody was, this was the era of being blonde meaning being the end all be all in sex symbols, now a days, it's being a red-head, but whatever. I would blog about Marilyn the ultimate blonde, since it is her birthday, but I've blogged about her mmmmm a million times, so I just want to give a shout out to the most statuesque French-looking french actress who later turned into a psychopath but we can negate that. On the screen she is absolutely magical. If aliens landed tomorrow and asked what the female species was, you'd have to show them a picture of early 60's or late 50's Brigitte Bardot, the only sex symbol that we think of outside the American idiom. 

French poster for the film.

The film is about a waif in a small town near the French Riviera that all men are obsessed with but none can actually have, even when they exchange marriage vows. Her devil-may-care attitude spawned the sex-kitten phenomenon of the 60's and everyone from Vadim to The Beatles were completely obsessed. The story goes that John Lennon himself was so enamored with her that he made his then wife Cynthia dye her hair blonde and do her make-up a certain way to resemble the great Brigitte. Pretty chauvinist no?

But back to the wonder that is her, it's hard not to go crazy when you marry a heel like Roger Vadim at 18 and then he runs off with Jane Fonda, and for the rest of your life, all men want from you is sex rather than conversation, so you join PETA, and blame everyone in the world except yourself for all of your crazy insecurities. 

Another picture of Bardot, just because. She's fun to look at isn't she?

The only person I can think of that in any way reminds me of Brigitte is Claudia Schiffer, she is basically her reincarnation, in body, but not spirit, and perhaps that's a good thing. We don't have to listen to her speak and meander about her politics and bizarre musings on the ways of the world, just turn on one of her films and you'll be completely mesmerized, I don't care if you're a man or a woman, you want it. She is the ultimate vamp of that era, but in a childish Lolita-esque way which makes it even more enticing, and what she created in the film that made her; And God Created Woman will always be copied by ingenues to come. She is a mystery wrapped in exoticism, wrapped in raw sexual prowess, wrapped in heaps of black eye liner. It's fantastic.

Best On-Screen Smooching

I'm not going to lie. I just ate my weight in McDonalds, because I'm secretly white trash and have zero self respect, so I am bed-ridden at the moment with nothing to do but watch TV Guide Channel's Best Cinema Kisses, because all of the animal fat is coursing through my veins like poison and I'm too lethargic to even pick up the remote and change the channel. I actually happen to agree somewhat with this list (OMFG I actually agreed with something) but of course not completely. They are missing some serious heavy hitters in the tonsil hockey celluloid world and I'm going to go ahead and make my own list before the fast food makes it's way to my skull and renders me brain dead. 

Ok let's just get this one out of the way. The most famous kiss in cinema ever, of all time, bar-none, no arguments. Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster in From Here to Eternity (1954).

Liza Minelli, Michael York, and Helmut Greim in Cabaret (1972). This prelude to the actual kiss goes on for a good 4 minutes, it's one of the most erotic things I've ever seen.

Yeah, ok. Atonement (2006). But I give the credit to James McAvoy. Keira seems completely devoid of any kind of passion, probably because she's not human.

Notorious (1946). This is definitely my personal favorite on the list. The story goes that back during the Haze code, kissing couldn't last longer than about 4 seconds, so Hitchcock had the kissing last about 2 minutes with intervals where Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman pull away for air every 4 seconds. Thereby in full compliance with the censors, but actually totally not.

Ewan McGregor and Jonathan Rhys Meyers in Velvet Goldmine (1998). Probably the hottest thing I had seen on film at that point, both men seriously know how to kiss. And the embellished glam rock outfits only make it better.

Match Point (2004). Second time Jonathan Rhys Meyers is on the list, but what can I say, the dude is passionate as fuck. No pun intended. Ok, maybe a little intended. This kiss scene way trumps The Notebook in the kissing-in-the-rain department.

Probably the second most famous kiss in cinema history, Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in the iconic burning of Atlanta scene in Gone with the Wind (1939) The story goes that Vivien Leigh actually hated all of those repetitive takes of having to kiss Gable over and over again because he had bad breath, but then again on set, she was a chronic chain-smoker, so I can't imagine it was too pleasant for him either.

The closest thing to S&M I had experienced when I first saw it, Marlon Brando tries to get Eva Marie Saint to admit that she's in love with him in On the Waterfront (1954), when she refuses he grabs her, throws her up against the wall and passionately has at it, she at first tries to fight him off and then succumbs, what girl wouldn't?

And let's end on a low note. As you know, I'm a fervent fan of the first Twilight (2008), and in this scene Kristen Stewart wakes up to Robert Pattinson watching her sleep at the foot of the bed, and apparently he does that all the time, now if that was me, that guy would be on the floor in a headlock with the police on the way, but she tells him she wants him to try 'controlling himself' and kiss her without basically eating her, it's really hot for about two seconds before he loses control and flies to the other side of the room.

And here are some clips, in case you haven't seen any of these and need proof. Now go make out with someone.