Dear J.J. Abrams: Bring Back Lost!

The cast of Lost, most of them household names because of the series

I know you are circling heaven in Richard Branson's spaceship right now with your movie career but let's admit it, your crowning achievement and what they will probably engrave on your tombstone is: Here Lies J.J. Abrams, creator of Lost (2004 - 2010). Now, let's give credit where credit is due, although you were the co-creator and exec producer we all know who the two people were that made Lost basically the best thing to happen to television ever, since perhaps the Twlight Zone and Doctor Who (in the TV Sci-Fi cannon at least); Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof.

Cuse and Lindelof, the masterminds behind Lost

Save for the 6th season, Lost is a show that you seriously marathon until your mind is muddled with all kinds of questions and no answers and yet you still can't get enough, as far as human brains are concerned it's probably up to par with black tar heroin (not like I know) but everything else, Battlestar Gallactica, Fringe, and non-sci-fi shows have been more or less incomparable.

To this day, if I'm feeling down, I'll go to my Netflix queue for a good old Lost episode (from Season 3 preferably, because that's the best one in my opinion) and settle in for some seriously weird shit that I enjoy immeasurably, even though I can probably recite it as a one woman show verbatim, though that would be slightly weird. 

Promo still for the 6th season, which admittedly was extremely bad because the writers had basically written themselves into corners and realized they had to end a show quickly and had left too many doors opened.

It was the first show to have it's own Wiki page (Lostpedia), and the formula of having a cast of over 20 principal characters and more questions than answers worked like a charm. Even people resistant to the franchise got addicted after the first sweet hit of that meticulously woven web of Polar bears, four-toed statues, hatches, and hot, sweaty, and tan people stranded on a mysterious island.

Admit it, you miss it. And it's unfair that it can't go on forever just because actors wants to 'focus on their careers or whatever' I would be more than happy to cuddle up with a never-ending array of crazy and inexplicable occurrences that I would never believe can actually happen and are only appropriate in this idiom. In my opinion, at least in this genre, nothing has been as good before or since and I bloody well miss it. So, J. J., please I'm begging you, send the entire crew back to Hawaii, and resume principal photography.

This is basically how I watched Lost

Trailer for Season 1. Oh the memories.

Will Skyfall (2012) Let Us Down in the Visual Pleasure Department?

Skyfall (2012) promises to be packed with action...and not much else.

 Skyfall (2012) is well on it's way to being released and the big question on everyone's mind is just how much pussy is Blonde Bond going to get this time around, and how hot will the pussy be? Every Bond installment, aside from the initial 'what the fuck' moment we all have when we realize who the new Bond will be and how he couldn't possibly compare to the Bonds before him, the next thought to enter our minds is 'I really need to rub one out to that hot chick, whatever her name is'. And that's truly the staple of the Bond franchise; the Bond girl. And not only has she been getting more and more exotic, and more and more ridiculous in terms of her ethereal superiority aesthetically speaking, but this time, I think they dropped the ball. It's bland meets bland, and Eve Moneypenny's legacy is totally going down the crapper and fast.

My favorite contemporary Bond girl has to be Eva Green. She's a hugely unconventional choice for this, and perhaps one of the most photogenic human beings on the planet. Also her accent is hot. Winning!

In Quantum of Solace (2008), I really think they reached their zenith by casting not only Eva Green reprising her role from Casino Royale (2006) but Olga Kurylenko as well, I mean that's a hot sandwich that any guy would kill to be in the middle of.

Eva Green has perhaps the best rack this side of pretentious French actresses, and Olga Kurylenko has that Ukranian supermodel thing going for her, so as Bond girls, they are just as iconic as someone like Ursula Andress.

Naomie Harris, the newest Bond girl. Looks like she just walked off the set of Glee.

This new franchise has clearly been about the masculinity of Bond on an action level rather than a womanizing level. How much testosterone he produces is in direct correlation with how many things he blows up rather than how much pussy he gets. What was always great about Bond was that he was a brilliant confluence of the two. Even Batman had his leanings, such as he was great as saving the world from demented creatures but really shitty at long-term relationships. 

Maybe it's just me but I don't consider the new Bond girls any kind of boner worthy; they are pretty, sure, but keep in mind the insane level of aptitude they are competing with. This isn't Junior Varsity Flag Team, this is Bond Girl status. That's pretty immortal to me, and I'm just thinking, this time around, with Naomie Harris, it's going to be a little blah with a dash of whatever. But at least we'll have Adele's beatiful voice over the whole thing, ask me we could have done with her beautiful face in it too. Just because the girl's packing some junk in the trunk doesn't mean the Bond Girl title should be exclusive of her am I right? Why is it that the skinny bitch has always got to do it? Anyway, beats me.

Trailer below.

Ode to a Super Man

Let's face it, the Brits are totally kicking our ass in the hottness Olympics. In terms of cuisine, insidious imperialism, and relevant music, we've still got it going on, but lately, it's just no contest. You put our hottest export (mmmmmmmMatt Damon?) and put him against their hottest export (probably Henry Cavill) it's no contest. And I'm speaking strictly in the respect that makes women lost their minds rather than anything that actually matters, like acting chops, and philanthropy and other such nonsense.

Now American women already lose their effing minds every time a British man opens his mouth and speaks because it sounds like a million times more sophisticated than anything American men say to us, even if the content of what he's saying is 'I'm going to cut off your mother's head and mount it on my wall'.

Now they've planted Henry firmly into the Hollywood idiom, having him play probably the greatest American Icon of the 20th century, and yes I am all for that shit. Two please, and popcorn. 

Cavill on the set of Man of Steel (2013)

Let me just explain this phenom to you. It's Henry Cavill, who is literally the most beautiful perfect man on celluloid, maybe of all time, I'm not sure. I mean when Leonardo DaVinci was drawing the perfectly symmetrical male, he didn't know it, but he was prophesying that one day, one such messiah would appear in the universe, and you put him in RUBBER, I mean that's a recipe for the end of the world via a billion orgasms occurring at once. I watched The Immortals (2011) this morning in my underpants, eating lasagna in bed, because that's how I like to absorb information, and my Jewish god, it's almost unfathomable. 

ok, awwwwwww.

What first turned me on to Cavill was when I was watching The Tudors (2007 - 2010) almost religiously (don't give me shit, it's a good show people!) where he plays Charles Brandon, 1st Duke of Suffolk, and the king's right hand man and an alpha male in his own right. The entire main plot of the show went right out the window for me, you know all of the wife murdering, and sex, sex, sex, and more wife murdering. I started to watch that show just to see Cavill strut his stuff in Elizabethan collars.

And now the time has come. Lady porn has reached its pinnacle and soon we will all be treated to him as the buff, skin-tight suit wearing, sensitive yet dorky, perky-nippled Superman, and hopefully the world will still be around as the film comes out in 2013. I mean, that's why I continue living. 

Trailer below. It's pretty ambiguous. 

Jersey Shore Has Done The Unthinkable - It Got Boring!

Tracking the new tattoos on the male cast members is not as interesting as I thought it would be.

What is the point of this season (premiered on October 4th, 2012) exactly? Snooki is pregnant, Situation is sober, and Vinny is celibate? Am I watching a Monks of 18th Century Europe? I mean what the fuck is going on? No more smushing? No more falling down in bars, no more accidental/totally on purpose flashing of vagina everywhere? That was the very essense of everything beautiful of Jersey Shore and now it's all gone! Congrats MTV, now nothing happens on your damn show that no one liked to begin with. In the words of Joel McHale 'Apologize bitches!'

Dina cries every two seconds about her boyfriend who is right in front of her face, and Pauly D doesn't use any obnoxious catchphrases anymore, and JWoww has turned into set dressing. Who am I missing...oh yes. Ron and Sam eat often and a great deal. This is clearly the recipe for success.

Sober preggers women do not belong at the Jersey Shore. Snooki should have prioritized better.

I know it's the final season but it should accelerate not slow down. We all know Snooki's baby is not going to come out normal anyway, let her have a Long Island Iced Tea for fucks sake...AND a cigarette. You know she's craving them. It's not like feeding the fetus pickle juice as a food group is exactly healthy for he/she/it. Honestly if someone doesn't smush a juicehead gorilla or a grenade soon I might just give up on the whole franchise and write awful things about it for the rest of time. So for my sake, and the sake of my writing/sanity, please make this last season worth something. Yes, Situation is finding how wonderful life can be sober, but this is not an episode of Intervention, and I need him to spread herpes before I fall sleep at least once an episode like old times! Even Ron and Sam are not doing what usually makes them remotely interesting which is fighting like insane pigeons cooing over the last crumb of old coffee cake in Union Square, they are getting along, and I can't stand it. There is no conflict on this show anymore, no alcohol, no bitch-slapping, and no crying, and no peeing in bars.

Go out with a bang rather than fade away into nothingness, Jersey Shore. You had the potential to be television greatness. But none of us want to be the 6th season of Lost, and being compared to that is basically the kiss of death. Your 15 minutes are almost over! Make them count!

Below the hilarious promo for Season 6 which gave me false hopes. 

Netflix Review: Freaks and Geeks

The freaks. L to R - Daniel Desario (James Franco) Kim Kelly (Busy Phillips), Ken Miller (Seth Rogen), Lindsay Weir (Linda Cardellini), and Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel)

Only airing 14 episodes, but a true cultural landmark that launched the careers of Jason Segel, James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Judd Apatow, Freaks and Geeks (1999 - 2000) is a pleasure to be savored. Paul Feig wrote the whole series while driving cross-country trying to sell his new film at that point...you know the one called...something or other. Oh how funny life can be because his scribblings soon became a television landmark with a loyal underground following.
It is the first show to utilize high school aged actors playing high schoolers, and also perhaps the first show to reflect the ideology of hat later became the slacker generation, starting way back in 1980. In 1980, disco sucked, 8-track tapes were in every house, and Mark Zuckerberg was 4 years from being born. It was a very different time, and seems further away from our generation than say the 50's. Perhaps that's why the show had such an unimaginably short run, because it was so authentic to its time and atmosphere that it was completely irrelevant to us, the idiots.

The Geeks on Halloween. L - R: Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine), Harris  Stephen Lea Sheppard (Harris Trinsky), Sam Weir (John Francis Daley) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) as the bionic woman.

But let's talk about the almost all-male cast...and Linda Cardellini who hasn't been relevant since (poor girl). It's hard to feel sorry for someone who was the the real life Sarah Marshall; Jason Segel really got ahead on that whole public opinion front, but she was a feisty, sarcastic, plain-ish girl next door. But I never really found her any kind of interesting so, moving on.
John Francis Daley, the pre-pubescent androgynous actor who now has now carved out a nice little niche for himself writing successfully crude comedies like Horrible Bosses (2011) is the most adorable thing in the world and has grown up to be the hottest man this side of too-hot-to-be-straight-shire. He plays Linda Cardellini's brother, Sam Weir (she plays Lindsay Weir btdubs).
The Freaks of the show are composed of James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel, but don't worry they're not freaks in the sense that we see them; as Oxycontin-addicted pseudo-gothic motherfuckers who drive 20-year-old Dodge Darts, and speak in iambic pentameter. They're just some Sabbath-obsessed burnouts who have never gotten an A on anything. They are Lindsay's friends slash love-interests...for the most part. And quite honestly it's hard to cast a 21 year old James Franco in anything where he's not a love interest...I don't care if it's opposite a sofa, that's the part he's going to play.

awkward...

The Geeks are Sam's friends. All freshmen, they painfully make their way through this waking nightmare we call high school in the 80's, or high school in general, as it really hasn't changed much. Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) are the ridiculously geeky individuals that are in everyone's high school. There's the Jewish, too-hairy-for-his-age, over-achieving, chubber who doesn't really understand social norms in an almost autistic way, and then there's the point-of-no-return geek who's always been too tall even as a baby, wears thick rimmed glasses that take up his whole face, and doesn't speak except to express his disdain with any given situation.

Mr. Rosso the guidance counselor, who even though looked exactly like Edgar Winter, you still kind of crushed on.

 It's basically a perfect show, with something or someone everyone can relate to, and what's most devastating about it is it's honestly which is at times both hilarious and cruel. And it's totally original. It's my favorite show of that whole era. Watch the whole first season without stopping, it's kind of hard not to. Also, Both the Freaks and the Geeks remind me of guys that I dated while I was in high school. Every single one of them...Even Stephen Lea Sheppard...yup I went there. And Dave 'Gruber' Allen as Mr. Rosso...yep went there too....no I didn't.

Below, the intro.

Below, the infamous dodgeball scene.

Below, a hilarious scene from the non-alcoholic party episode. It's my favorite.

Netflix Review: Varsity Blues (1999)

Aside from a football uniform, Scott Caan's basic wardrobe was his birthday suit and a cowboy hat to cover up his junk. In this scene, Tweeder steals a cop car and picks up a bunch of horny sophomores trying to help out his bro Mox (Beek) by trying to get him to join in the fun, how did I miss this in High School?

I was hanging out with a friend yesterday and we were trying to find something to watch on Netflix Instant. Lo and behold, one of their 'new releases' is that football sex teen drama from the 90's Varsity Blues (1999) Starring everyone's favorite Dawson, James 'The Beeks' Van Der Beek. It's one of those quintessential 90's teen films, and one of the first categorical 'MTV movies' to put style over substance, and create basically a 2-hour long music video out of a dismal unrealistic plot. But for chrissake is it fun to watch. 

The Beeks plays a young intellectual in the making Johnny Moxon who just happens to live in bumblefuck no-where, Texas and is pressured into a life that revolves around high school football games and Nuremberg Rally type upheaval over them. I really enjoy his V.O.'s throughout the film because I hate subtlety. In them he explains how in a small town in the Deep South, football is akin to fanatical religion and it's hard to speak out against it because everyone is always pressuring you to win and be the best.

Lots of bro-love in this movie.

Because he is the only one with more than two brain cells knocking against each other upstairs, he can't really maintain sympathy from his circle of friends which include All-State, star quarterback, blonde Greek god-like dumbfuck Lance Harbor (Paul Walker), hornier than shit wide-receiver (no pun intended) Charlie Tweeder (Scott Caan), and fatter than shit missing link Billy Bob (Ron Lester), also there's the token black guy who's name we don't learn until the last 10 minutes of the film, way to check all the 90's teen cliche boxes, Varsity Blues (1999). 

But even though the women in this film are all supporting players they steal the movie whole-sale. Even if you never snuck into a screening of it when it first came out as a teenager, you still remember one scene out of that film if nothing else; I don't even know why I have to tell you that it's the 'whipped cream scene'. Even when I say 'whipped cream scene' you can guess which film I'm talking about. It was such a landmark of the 90's, it's basically the OJ Simpson trial, Dolly the sheep, and the whipped cream scene from Varsity Blues (1999).

The most famous scene of the 90's.

Aside from a plot point being that everyone's Sex Ed teacher is actually a nasty, nasty stripper (oh the irony!), there's of course the storyline of Lance's girlfriend Darcy. Darcy (Ali Larter) tries to seduce Mox after her boyfriend Lance almost dies on the field with a knee injury so that she can still superglue herself to a man that's 'going places' and doesn't end up turning tricks at the truck stop. The way she does this is strip naked and put whipped cream on her lady parts. A feat that actually doesn't end up working but made for one hell of a celluloid moment. I can't tell you how I know this, but whipped cream doesn't actually work in that kind of situation, and even the filmmakers later admitted that they used shaving cream combined with mousse to create the makeshift bikini but that doesn't sound nearly as sexy, in fact it sounds poisonous.
Ali Larter was one of the few that ended up keeping her career after her adventures in dessert toppings. If you think about it, not many more survived MTV films of that era. I mean, Paul Walker has all of the Fast and Furious films but that's something I don't think you EVER put on your resume, 625 million at the box office or no 625 million at the box office.

All in all, the film is quite exclusively shit, but it did teach me a few things. 1. Sports always looks more interesting when there's Foo Fighters playing. 2. What tight end does (again, no pun intended) 3. When in doubt, whipped cream bikini. If you want the man of your dreams, whipped cream bikini. If you are little more than a gimmick, whipped cream bikini. If you don't have a script and need filler, whipped cream bikini. If close to death from malnutrition and all you have left in your refrigerator is whipped cream, whipped cream bikini. 4. Scott Caan has a really nice ass. So for those life lessons and more, thank you, Varsity Blues.

Below, some clips. Catch it on Instant. It's not Braveheart (which is also recently on Instant) but it's catchy in that special stupid way, and there's naked people in it. Also, really good 90's-aesthetic steady-cam sport montages to popular music.

Come On British Press! Show Us Ye Olde Royal Peen.

The now infamous photos leaked by TMZ last week afterwhich the palace quickly threw a muzzle on the British Press, hence the kitschy red star on the right.

Come on British press, we all struggle. Just leak one or two we won't do anything with them, except photoshop them into oblivion and send them all around the interwebs with asinine memes posted underneath. But in all seriousness, we're just curious. We don't have a royal cock over here, so we just want to get a peak. Unless you're a sad sad cave person with stolen mannequins behind the alley at Macy's that you dress up and seat around your living room to pose as friends, you've heard by now that NSFW photos have been leaked to TMZ of a drunken romp Prince Harry had in Vegas before returning to combat training. Oh dear god, I hope the world doesn't collapse on itself. 

First of all, what's the big deal? He's third in line people. Which basically means, he's not in line. More than likely, he's never going to be king. But he's young, rich, and hot. So why not get in a naked hottub psuedo-orgy before you go defend your country in a foxhole in the goddamn desert with nothing but a dehydrated meal and your AK-47 by your side? You're in Vegas. That's what Vegas is for. Do you think anyone has ever not been naked in Vegas? I don't even think it's legal to be inhabiting a hotel room in Vegas with clothes on. It's a state law. 

If anyone gives me the whole 'royal duties' speech one more time I might projectively vomit all over them.

Cadets around the world give Prince Harry a naked salute. Cheers lads.

Prince Harry is a prince, but he's no where near needing to fulfill any 'duties' except be young, have fun, and be irresponsible. He's L'enfante terrible, the rogue brother. If one of the bro's has it down in terms of duty, take a break and go party in Vegas with naked sluts.

Of course the palace put a royal kibosh on the photos so now we can only see them with an unseemly Photoshopped 'star' over what i'm sure is a really toned royal ass.  The other picture, I get it, he's covering HIMSELF up, but there's something else their keeping from us, I can just feel it, no pun intended. Now it's being revealed that VIDEO footage exists of naked Harry's hairy bird. (Yay! the most unoriginal alliteration ever!) 

And I'm pretty good at rummaging the internet for 'lost' or 'leaked' celebrity video...no I'm not...and I couldn't find one single lead on this. I'm lost in the woods. I mean when the palace says 'no', I guess it really does mean 'no'. But hey, we have the Associated Press here in the States that would gladly crawl all over this like flies on shit. What? Did you think we have integrity? We follow Lindsay Lohan around for chrissake. There is no 'bottom line' to our celebrity press. And hey, it's not like he's our Prince, to us, he's just a hot guy who's got a lot of money, and is the bad boy of his family, and who on this side of the pond doesn't find that irresistible?

The Shirtless Appeal of Adam Levine

So, kind of random, but yesterday my neighbor was blasting Maroon 5 for like a good 3 hours, so it inspired me to write about Adam Levine. Ok here we go, I guess. 

photo by Terry Richardson with whom Levine collaborates frequently for photo shoots...thank crap.

My roommate used to make me sit with her in the living room and watch The Voice (2011 - ), and at first I was like 'are you kidding me?' and then I came to the realization that though it was a bastardization of American Idol (2002 - ) it was far superior. Why? Two words: Adam. Levine. Womanizer extraordinaire and tribal tattoo aficionado, with a voice that sounds like he's coming literally all the time. Of course he had his vices, referring to contestants as 'bro', and putting a million deliberate holes in his jeans, and he humblebrags like every Twitter update he makes and he honestly doesn't realize it. Do I give a shit? Not really. 

I think it doesn't matter what your 'type' is, you find Adam Levine unquestionably attractive. It's like is the sun hot? Yes, to every single person on this earth the sun will be hot. He looks like a nice Jewish boy gone haywire on meth. Sometimes he's rockin' a faux-hawk and lime-green kicks. Others, he's buttoned up in a cravat and sweater vest. But no matter what, he has this distinct swagger and wink in his eye as if to say 'I get laid way more than you do'.

Another photo by Terry Richardson. Levine's a bad boy.

Another universal truth is that Adam Levine has more sex than you do. He has more sex than anyone. It's a mathematical certainty. He's giving Gene Simmons a run for his money. Not only is he a rock star covered in tattoos, but he's got this sweet, gentle, heartbroken side to him. It's very primal, sensual, and unmistakeably hot. Also, he sings like a beautiful naked sweaty angel.

You might think I'm partial to Levine-a-mania because 1. He's Jewish 2. He's from the Bay Area, and other similarities, but seriously girls, you have to have ice water running through your veins if your down-belows don't tingle just a little bit whenever he winks at the camera or does his moves-like-jagger sway. My infatuation started much earlier and I think I'm tired of suppressing it. Girls over 25 can find Adam Levine attractive mmmkay? Now get the hell off my back and let me enjoy it!

Now, I have actually been to a Maroon 5 concert. San Jose, 2005. It was their 'Songs About Jane' tour, and we had 4th row seats. There were beads of Levine-sweat hitting me in the eyeball. It was fantastic. He's really a great performer to all you haters out there. He's no Mick, but his stage persona is definitely fathomable. And if you listen to their early songs before they started making teeny-bopper fluff with Gym Class Heroes, it's actually pretty raunchy. What am I saying? Levine has always been quite the sex-maniac. I mean his second album with Maroon 5 was titled 'Hands All Over', and there havn't been that many photo shoots in which he appears with a shirt on.

Levine chillin' on The Voice. He's way too cool for school.

The whole first album 'Songs About Jane' is basically about how much sex Levine is having with his girlfriend and how painful it all turns out to be. Awww shucks. And I know the first couplets that are popping into your fragile mind are 'I tried so hard to feed her appetite, and keep her coming every night', to which ya gotta think, who is this Jane whom Adam can't keep at full tilt boogie? If Adam Levine isn't keeping you coming every night, you might want to check her for a pulse. That bitch is either frigid or totally ungrateful. But she did inspire a really solid record, but now we can all tune in to NBC and watch Levine talk total nonsense to contestants all the live-long day. Or we can just lock all the doors, close all the windows and rock out to 'Moves Like Jagger' in our undies. Don't bullshit, you know you've done it. 

Below some masturbation fodder, I mean, music videos. 

All the Ladies Love Corcoran: Copper Premieres on BBC America Finally.

There's a lot of sex on this show. It's as simple as that.

BBC America has always had to compete with The States in terms of risque programming. Let's face it, next to shows like Mad Men (2007 - ), Hung (2009 - 2011), Queer as Folk (2000 - 2005), and reality fluff like Strange Sex and Jersey Shore, The BBC might as well be filmed in a convent. But they hit a home run last night with a Hell on Wheels type show about the reformation period in the United States called Copper (2012 - ). Cast with mostly unknowns...and Franka Potente from The Bourne Films and Run Lola Run (1999) fame, this is quite a gritty period drama. Most of it takes place in a brothel, so that should give you some sense of what goes down, no pun intended. A tough-as-nails reformed cop with a heart of gold who is brought from Ireland to keep peace in the Five Points struggles to maintain his integrity while having lots and lots of period corset sex with his madame girlfriend. 

I had no idea prostitutes had showers in their brothels back in the 1860's.

Also, I just have to add, I love how prostitutes from the 1800's are always portrayed as cleaner than say a contemporary prostitute...ok that sounded wrong; modern-day prostitute. Contemporary prostitute sounds like part of a master's thesis, moving on! 

But seriously, I'm sure they didn't have quite as many teeth as Franka Potente, and she still somehow manages to look like she just came straight to set from a Beverly Hills spa, ready to whore it up with the tortured, filthy, but sexy as balls Irishman. Yeah where's that set, sign me up, I'll bring the coffee, I'll gofur, I don't care. 

Corcoran's weapon of choice.

It looks like BBC America has finally started to catch up sex-wise and riding that psychotic horse to its burning stable (bad analogy, I know) but I was thinking 'burning loins' and that's where that came from. Again, off track. 

In the pilot we learn, that Copper (a.k.a Kevin Corcoran) played by super-super-super hot actor Tom Weston-Jones (who? I know, I don't know either) has a past. He's in the big apple (not sure they called it that in 1860 but whateves) searching for the man who killed his wife and daughter, or something like that, I was REALLY distracted by all the sex. Therefore, he's got this soft spot, you know, when a little girl gets brutally murdered and her corpse defiled...yes that kind of thing is on the show too. I realized I might not be selling this all that well any more, but I will say this, it's aesthetically pleasing and has plenty of potential, and it's only been one episode. So if BBC America is on your cable box, then perhaps you can start getting your jollies from a channel other than AMC. Hope you like it!

Below, the promo.

The Many Shades of Bradley Cooper

Acting student Bradley Cooper

Asshole jock Bradley Cooper

Elephant man Bradley Cooper

Damn dirty hippie Bradley Cooper

Pigtails Bradley Cooper

Fifty Shades of Cooper

Bearded and profound Bradley Cooper

Nekkid Bradley Cooper

Surfer dude Bradley Cooper

Wolverine/Ryan Reynolds Bradley Cooper

Hey Girl Bradley Cooper

Classic Cooper

I'mma kill you Bradley Cooper

Tinted aviators Bradley Cooper

Buff Bradley Cooper

Crying Bradley Cooper awwww.

The Olympics are over, and now I want to kill myself

Wanna throw around some balls?

 You wake up on any given day in the past few weeks and ask yourself, 'Is it too early for me to watch porn?' yes, but it's ok because the Olympics are on. I mean, that's basically porn isn't it? Minus the gymnastics because they are all teenagers and that's just wrong and gross. But hey, I'm not above muting the swim meets and getting just way too excited every time the USA medals, and so not for the reason that you think.

Lochte. #JEAH.

After the cringe-worthy everlasting bullshit clusterfuck mess that was the opening ceremony that we all had to deal with and be reminded of the fact that England makes really funny looking cars, the games officially began, and Jezebel was a buzz with one Ryan Lochte, the swimmer with a merman's fins, face of an angel, and brains like swiss cheese. We were introduced to his ridiculous collection of day-glow kicks, his American flag grillz, and his catchphrase ; 'Jeah', all of which we could do without because we all want Lochte just to do what all the others on his team do; shut up and swim.

I used to be friends with this one girl, no more. And you want to know why? Because we cannot stop being in a hypothetical completely unimaginable scenario argument as to who gets to lay Nathan Adrian when he gets back to the states, talking about it with a bleeding heart preoccupying adult fanaticism as if it's totally going to happen for real. Ergo, Nathan Adrian ruins friendships.

Nathan Adrian in speedo a.k.a. masturbation fodder for most of the American population.

If you're a guy of course you tuned into the beach volleyball match. I mean it's as close to soft-core we get at 8 o'clock in the morning. Muscly girls in tight spandex bikinis grunting like pornstars on steroids lunging for balls, all the while being very hot and sweaty to where their torsos glisten like Edward Cullen in sunlight. Tell me that's not a porn premise.

Hotter than shit US Goal keeper Hope Solo returns for the 2012 games and kicks serious ass all the way to the Gold Medal podium. By the by she made headlines months before by admitting that the Olympic village is one giant constant done to death fuckfest.

But after a painfully long and equally as useless closing ceremony celebrating British fashion (which is of course the first thing I think about when I think Olympics), and reminding us all what rubbish the British national anthem is, and letting me know that Prince Harry got fat, it was all finally mercifully over. US properly kicked ass, medaling head and shoulders above the rest, and Michael Phelps became the most celebrated and decorated Olympian since Larisa Latynina of the Soviet Union over 3 decades ago, and reminding us all that the Vault has no affect on our patriotism. No longer will we be able to sit at home all day not doing anything productive and only salivating every time they show Matt Grevers' biceps, Lolo Jones' abs, or Misty Mae-Treanor's rock hard ass. All we have is new episodes of Breaking Bad, so we can still ogle over Jesse Pinkman but they don't dress him in a comically small thong do they? Also, Breaking Bad makes you think, which is my favorite reason to watch the Olympics; no thinking. I'm going to miss you, see you in 4 years (not two years, because I couldn't care less about anything in the Winter Olympics sans figure skating). Now if you'll excuse me, I have swimming gay fan fiction to write. Damn it, someone beat me to it! (See below) 

Fifty Shades of Gay; Olympic Fan Fiction

Below some links to get ya'll hot and bothered.

 

The Hottest of the US Olympic Swim Team

Let's face it, there's no such thing as an ugly Olympic swimmer. With those crazy Greek statue bodies, and million-dollar smiles, they're irresistible. Yes, they look like sperm swimming up and down their lanes, but when they surface and smack that water like a bitch when they win the 400 meter relay, it's pretty damn hot, because all of their insanely cut muscles flex. Also, I don't mind those tight really, really really low-rise spandex shorts that they have to wear to make themselves more aerodynamic.

With news that Michael Phelps has now, with 20 gold medals, become the world's most successful Olympian of all time, more attention has been focused on the men's Olympic swim team than Ryan Lochte's ridiculous grillz. They are giving horny girls everywhere another reason to chant 'U-S-A! U-S-A!' before excusing themselves to their bedrooms to rub it to a picture of Phelps...from the neck down. They are the rock stars of Olympic sports, and for the sake of degradation of the male population, I've put them in order from hottest to not so hottest, because there's no such thing as an gross man on the US Olympic swim team. I mean, they shave everywhere, ladies. It's like that Louis CK joke about musicians; you would expect at least one of them to be ugly but...fuckin' zero. So because there's 24 of them on the team and only 10 spots on my countdown some of the lovely mermen have been left off, but don't feel bad for them, they'll comfort themselves with gold medals, especially you Phelps. I know you're the greatest Olympian that ever lived, but you didn't make the cutoff. No pun intended. Here we go!

10. Peter Vanderkaay. This Royal-Oak native has that meat-head yet geek thing going for him, where his neck is as thick as his head, but he's slightly on the cock-eyed side. And his smile is simply adorbs. He gets the awww-how-cute vote. He's a jock you want to snuggle.

9. Nathan Adrian. I remember my BFF (you know who you are) railing against Gabby Douglas' nickname being racist (the media calls her 'the flying squirrel') which is nothing compared to what this boy deals with as part of his multicultural heritage. Being half-Chinese apparently his teammates refer to him as 'Bok-Choy' which is highly offensive and ridiculous, but joke's on them, because this boy's genes clearly do him good.

8. Conor Dwyer. At only 23, this guy is a giant. He's 6'5 ya'll...that's two inches away from being declared legally a giant...I think, whateves I don't know. I mean he could pick you up with one hand and then lift you over his head. And then swallow you whole for the protein. Sexy? As hell.

7. Matt Grevers. This one is one of my favorites. You thought Conor was big, this guy's 6'8. I feel like it would hurt my neck to cock it up high enough to make out with him but I'm willing to take the risk, even if it means my being in a neck-brace for a month. BTW, what he's doing in the picture is exactly what I'm talking about...celebrate-flexing. Should that be a sport unto itself? I vote yes. Matt, make out with me!

6. Brendan Hansen. Ladies, doesn't this look like the cover of a romance novel from the mid-90's? What I love the most is he's not this hugely built jock type. He's pretty tone and slender (comparatively) and he's got that awesome, I don't know what to call it, but it's so awesome. As you can see it's becoming hard to form sentences because I'm getting flustered, but it's that thing below a guy's waste, it looks like a fancy 'V' it's just, it's awesome.

5. Ryan Lochte. Alright, here he is. You happy? I know you've been waiting just to find him on the list and here. I put him on the countdown. ok? Let's not deny it, he's dumber than a frat party after 2am, but this list isn't called 'the top ten poet laureates of all time' is it? He's so much fun to watch as long as I don't have to hear him speak...or see his grillz. Just photoshop those out and put him on mute.

4. Ricky Berens. 5 o'clock shadow - check, perfect set of pearly white teeth - check, beautiful head of thick brown hair - check, chestnut eyes that burn into your very soul - check. The end.

3. Anthony Ervin. When I was watching the trials, I already had my eye on this one. He caught my attention immediately. You know I love a guy who's inked up and has a bad-boy swagger but with a sensitive side, and that's basically Ervin in a nutshell. He's older and more seasoned, but just as talented and driven. Also, did I mention he can like a dolphin on steroids?

2. Eric Shanteau. Talk about a baby face on a body built for sin...and gold medals, Shanteau is simply delicious. He's got a beautiful physique coupled with a pair of gorgeous, innocent eyes, I was instantly a fan. Also, it seems like his swim trunks are way tighter than everyone else's. No complaints. He also looks way younger than he is. Seemingly on the younger end of the team, he's actually 28. And I like how he 'hangs out' in the pool more than usual. Just catchin' some chemical bath before the next race, like a boss.

1. Cullen Jones. And the #1 Greek god in a slew of ridiculously super-human looking men is Cullen Jones. Perfection. That's all I have to say. Fast, smooth, silky, tone, dimply, delicate, sensual, seductive, mouth-watery perfection. I have to finish now...no pun intended.

Now, clean yourself up and watch this!