Based on the Half Hour of Liz and Dick That I Watched Here Are My Thoughts

I think from the side, Lilo's lips look even more hideous.

Oh where to start where to start, I imagine dear reader that you believe someone like myself reviewing something as gloriously cheeseball as Liz and Dick (2012) is like a kid on a field day after smoking the best crack he's ever had and drinking 13 red bulls. Alas, it's all rather depressing. There are so many points I want to make, yet all of them seem redundant. I mean let's talk about the veritable truths that bind together all of mankind. Lindsay Lohan is an awful train-wreck, made-for-tv biopics are the kiss of death, no one compares to Elizabeth Taylor nor should ever try to play her period, and gaudy costumes and breathless delivery do not make a movie. How many times do I have to say this before people actually listen is the real question. Unfortunately the answer is forever...or I develop rheumatoid arthritis in both hands. 

Cut, print, shit.

So why did I turn on the TV? Well I had just completely an arduous 7 hour drive back from the Bay Area to Los Angeles, unpacked and turned on Lifetime enough to catch LiLo as Lizzy getting Richard Burton (Grant Bowler) drunk in her dressing room because he was way too hungover to perform ANYTHING on one particular day in the Roman heat dressed to the nines as Mark Antony, and her rather dowdy and frumpy, and so not nearly as fabulous as Elizabeth Taylor was back then, extra weight and everything. She calls him the 'Welsh Don Juan' and expresses her fears of being 'just another notch on his belt' like that phrase hasn't been done to death, thank you writers. 

Eventually they fuck and all is well in spouse-cheating land. That is until this new phenom enters the picture, these mosquito-like buzzing photographers that squat in bushes and jump out in front of cars. They mention how Fellini coined the term for the little fuckers called 'paparazzi', thanks for that impromptu film studies lesson idiots. Fellini is crying in heaven that you dare mention his name. Moving on.

Aside from everything else wrong with this picture, did anyone else notice how 'glazed over' LiLo seemed to be the whole time? I mean, I've heard of method acting, but I don't think that's what this is.

 There's a montage of fucking, which is highly gross considering even made up as Liz Taylor LiLo is beyond undesirable. She's definitely an 'if-i-had-to' kinda girl, but even then I could almost see the Hep-C being transmitted as Grant kissed her with the most faux passion he could muster without gagging. 

Oh and beyond that, they have to dumb it down by having the two leads sit in directors chairs and talk about each other in the third person basically explaining what just happened in the previous scene to us like we're all completely retarded. The only piece of method acting that LiLo is able to apply to this travesty is how well she smokes her cigarettes. For some reason I hate it when you get a non-smoking actor to play a chainsmoking character. They always go at the cig like they're performing fellatio on it...so I guess good job there, LiLo. 

Right as the Ambien was taking effect and I was about to rid myself of this shitshow, a drunken Burton makes the startling announcement that would destroy dear Liz's 4th marraige to Eddie Fisher in front of Eddie Fisher; they are in love, and fucking like a lot, so uh if he wouldn't mind getting the hell out of the way everyone would really appreciate it. 

Playing dress up is always fun, so is recreating iconic photos, but this is people's lives here, not Halloween k folks?

Then LiLo runs her pretty head off outside in tears; 'oy the mess i've gotten myself into again' certainly permeating through her head. And then there's another fuck montage. As I have actually read bios on Elizabeth Taylor and just finished 'Furious Love' (2011); the definitive account of Burton-Taylor crazyballs shenanigans, I knew what was going to come next and I was not in the mood. Fucking and fighting seem to go hand in hand in the story of Liz and Dick, but in this film, each is equally as displeasurable as the other. Also, just like Meg Ryan, Lilo's lips had become a fixture. I was tired of looking at them. They seemed to overwhelm the screen and there was little else I could pay attention to. So I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, and woke up the next morning with a bitter taste in my mouth. It was not the bitterness of disappointment I assure you, as I had prepared myself for this for months. It's hard to be disappointed at something you knew was going to be stanky garbage to begin with, but I felt it unfair that people had to be subjected to it, though I knew no one would ever take this seriously. It happened, and now we can all move on.

Trailer below. 'Are you convinced?' ....never was.

Let's List All the Reasons Why Lindsay Lohan is 'Right' for Elizabeth Taylor

Are you kidding me Hollywood? It's the proverbial WTF heard 'round the world. Did you really think it would be a alright to sell the idea of coked-up rotted-toothed, party-slut Lindsay Lohan, the semi-annoying child actress of yesteryear and current walking train wreck as portraying the greatest silver screen icon that ever existed? I'm starting to think that the execs at Lifetime were waiting for the latter to kick the bucket so that she wouldn't be able to sue them when they held a picture of Lindsay in front of her and said; 'That's you'. 

Clearly, this is one giant publicity stunt, and good thing it's for television, because I don't think the cinema would stand for such nonsense. They'd hire someone like Lily Collins or Ashley Rickards. Remember, Elizabeth was about 17 when she was cast in her first major adult film role, and Lindsay looks no younger than 42 these days. But it's not like we're such a classy society that we can't at least be a little bit titillated by the idea of total trash playing such a beloved figure. 

Anyone remember this? Lindsay posed as Marilyn Monroe imitating her famed last photo shoot back in 2006. I honestly do not see any redemption in Hollywood's constant attempt to try to compare her to the sexual icons of the golden age of cinema. You can see how big of a fail this endeavor is.

I don't know who's slated for Richard Burton in this aptly and redundantly titled Liz & Dick bio-pic in the works right now, but considering their choices so far, I'm thinking Chad Michael Murray or Shane West. It's destined to be a frivolous farce for teenagers, as part of LiLo's contractually obliged big comeback. Think of it; it wreaks of disaster, but I might just be there to roast marshmallows from the flames coming out of Lindsay's ass as she's torn to pieces by outraged intellectuals and film buffs.

Ok I got a bit carried away. There are so many reasons why Lindsay is wrong for this project OBVIOUSLY. Also, Snooki is tan, and fish swim in the sea. But what if we did a complete reversal and talked about the ways in which she's right for it? Just for fun? I mean, no one is honestly taking this film seriously, Lifetime is a network that loves to milk shmaltz, melodrama, and camp (or what's left of it) so why not hold our heads high and consider the following? 

1. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor, started out as an adorable child actress and only when she started 'developing' was she cast in more mature roles. 

2. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor, has a shit balls crazy and determined stage mother, who uses her daughter to put herself in the ever so unflattering spotlight. 

3. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor was naturally blessed with a huge rack...so there's that. 

4. Lindsay Lohan used to hang out with Paris Hilton. Elizabeth Taylor married to Conrad Hilton Jr. Paris' uncle. Are you surprised I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel here?

5. Both have done multiple extensive and lengthy stints in rehab.

6. Elizabeth Taylor died at 79. Lindsay looks 79. At this point the only person LiLo is an appropriate choice to play is Leona Helmsley.

Ok, I'm out. That was painful. All I'm wondering is what is going on inside Lindsay's head right now, aside from barbiturates. Is she hitting the books reading 'Furious Love' and 'The Queen and I'? Is she watching A Place in the Sun and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? Is she buying violet contacts and consulting with her plastic surgeon regarding a boob lift? I really hope so.

But don't let's all start getting our hopes up, the only point of the upcoming project is to see just how badly she tanks. It's a gimmick. But unfortunately, it's done at the expense of Elizabeth Taylor and that's just not cool. For a woman who gave you basically her lifeblood for over the last 50 years, this is how you choose to honor her legacy? For shame.

Furious Love: Stranger Than Fiction

So i've spent probably the best ten bucks of my life and bought Furious Love on iBooks. I'm reading it on a 5 inch screen by the pool everyday. I don't have time any other way. The pool is the only pleasure i allow myself once a day. Back on track. Let's see if you can guess who a book titled Furious Love could possibly be about? do I have to even give you three hints? Is there a couple in the 20th century, of the cinema, and of grand pop-culture status that could fit the description more perfectly than Dame Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton? Nope. Not ever. They were the absolute picture of furious love. Their passion for each other was as much sexual as it was violent. It was a volatile, explosive, and fascinating love story, and above all, it was indeed furious.

Of all the Hollywood odd-couples (Marilyn Monroe & Arthur Miller, Debbie Reynolds & Eddie Fischer, Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes etc) Taylor and Burton were indeed the most bizarre, and yet the most perfect for each other. But with two dominant personalities, and each with a considerable arsenal of raw talent and sexual magnetism, it was bound to implode on itself.

Shocking, that neither liked the other when they first met on the set of Cleopatra (1963); Burton being almost too hungover to even hold a sword, and Elizabeth complaining and crying illness every other day, each thought the other was an obnoxious prima donna. And, they weren't wrong. But then again, they were entitled.

I'm reading this exposé, and am absolutely amazed, astonished, and fascinated. You've never heard of such for lack of a better word...hutzpah. It's like one long continuous bloody bullfight without resolution but with such raw violence and prowess that you can't stop turning the page nor should you. It puts every couple that graces US Weekly these days to shame. Even Brad & Angelina seem like a snooze-fest standing next to these two.

Welsh heir apparent to Laurence Olivier with a booming voice, and overwhelming masculinity juxtaposed with perhaps the most perfect looking soft-skinned big-bozomed child-star turned sex-pot actress and their demise is a wonderful read. If you have time to read for pleasure, put this at the top of your list. And then watch Cleopatra, if you can get through all tedious 5 hours of it. Book end that with perhaps the best example of art-imitating-life Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (1966). Along with this book, you will be able to observe on screen the flourishing passion in the beginning of their relationship all the way to the catastrophic deterioration of it. Two people that lived on such a large scale were never going to go quietly, and they would play out everything supposedly private out in the public, and we as the public are all the richer and more fulfilled for it.

Elizabeth Taylor: In Memoriam

It's August 1950, a dreary morning at Lake Tahoe, California. It's a cold rainy early morning, and everyone is sleep deprived, stressed, and weary. George Stevens is pacing back and forth and chainsmoking, every few minutes interrupted by a script girl with a huge maniscript in her hands. The beautiful forest view is litered with changing trailers, power trucks, and various crew members. In the middle of all this, the fabulously handsome Montgomery Clift is nervously looking over a few pages, a cigarette dangling from his mouth, and his white shirt so perfectly fit on his body it looks at it was painted to him. Slowly he hears footsteps coming towards him, he's too hesitant to look up but the curiousity inside him builds. A set of two small black shoes stand at attention to his side, waiting for him to look up, he finally does, and he realizes he's not the only one. The crowd of gaffers, PA's, and assistants all stop what they're doing to watch a young raven-haired 17 year old make her first appearance on set. She walks directly to Montgomery Clift, dressed in full costume as Angela Vickers wearing a beautifully long and angelic white strapless gown and white gloves. She looks with a childlike innocence at her co-star and softly says. 'Hello, I'm Elizabeth Taylor, it's a pleasure to meet you'. 

While the gaffers struggle to pull their jaws off the floor not realizing that the vision standing in front of them is not the whimsical child actress from National Velvet but a full on woman with breasts, lips and eyes that ignited their dirtiest sexual fantasies. She would go one to be the desire of all men everywhere, and being a living legend notable for not only her career but for her many eccentricities. 

It's been difficult for me to write this, because where does one start with Liz Taylor? I guess start with the eyes and work your way down. She fits into so many boxes that I cover in this blog, it's difficult to decide what to focus on. Aesthetically, she could be the most perfect female incarnation ever. She's perfectly symmetrical in the Da Vinci sense of the word, with a stare that could melt the coldest heart, and a voice that is peaceful and arousing simultaneously. Why was she cast as Cleopatra? Well if we consider this symbolically rather than literally, considering Elizabeth was far from Middle-Eastern looking, the hypothesis was that Cleopatra was the most beautiful woman in the world, thereby whoever was cast had to be the same, and the most beautiful woman in the world at that time was no contest. 

Though genetically blessed from her actress turned senile stage momma Sara Sothern, it takes a lot more to be regarded as the paragon of the 20th cenutry woman. Sexuality as we are well aware, is not exclusive to physical attributes (listen to Sophie B. Hawking's 'Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover) 

Ok back on track. What made Liz so special? 

Liz's baby momma.

Talent of course, for one. And a natural one at that considering she never studied under Strassbergs and the stuffy method actors of the actor's studio, nor had any formal lessons with the best of the studio coaches in LA. 

But if we look at Liz, and her picture came up in a veritable portfolio of women from the 1950's-1960's we could say 'oh she's pretty' and move on. What was it specifically that made us believe that George Eastman would kill his pregnant girlfriend for her, that Eddie Fischer would leave Debbie Reynolds for, and that countless men and women would regard her as the single most important face of American cinema?

Elizabeth had very simply put, a sexual electricity. It was so significant that it transcended time and decay. She didn't seem to have a 'sex-symbol hayday' she seemed to herself transform the norms of that status as she grew older and made people conform to her rather than fade away. 

From a whimsical 17 year old in A Place in the Sun to a sex-starved desperate Maggie the Cat, to soft but strong delictible Cleopatra (as flawed as her performance was), Taylor remained categorically unmatched in her seductive prowess.

Even as the obnoxious and seemingly repulsive Martha opposite her husband at the time Richard Burton in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? where Liz gained 20 pounds, wore padding, and was made down considerably, somehow you are drawn to her. After all, she had 8 marriages. 

Out of all her husbands, I think the only one that was able to keep up was Burton, perhaps that's why they married a second time after divorcing. Liz called him the great love of her life. She also named Mike Todd (who widowed her after a plane crash in 1958), and Montgomery Clift who's life she saved after his near fatal car accident when she crawled into his vehicle and personally pulled his two front teeth out of his throat to keep him from choking. It takes some substantial tenacity and (for lack of a better word) chutzpah to be Elizabeth Taylor, and I think it's a testament to her legacy that she never backed down from her identity and owned every minute of Liz-hood. I'm really going to miss her. It really is the end of an era. She was not only an original but a fascinating anomaly in the rather banal landscape of humanity. If you would like to marathon some of her films, this is what I would recommend: 

1. A Place in the Sun (1951) 

2. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) 

3. Suddenly Last Summer (1959) 

4. BUtterfield 8 (1960) 

5. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966) 

6. The Taming of the Shrew (1967) 

In that order. And you must have a box of wine. Cheers.