Arousal on a Plate

Babette prepares the fruit course.

It's no secret, I love watching films about food. I love to watch people prepare food, I love close ups of food, I love it all, why the hell do you think I sit through Gordon Ramsay yelling the tar out of some poor soul on Hell's Kitchen? So I can get to the part where they finally bring an immaculate medium rare lamb loin to the hot plate.

If you're on Hulu nearly as much as I am, you'll notice they've basically bought up the entire Criterion collection, so all that savings money you were going to use towards it whenever Barnes and Noble has a sale is totally inadequate now. Anyway, last night I watched a pretty boring film, save for the last scene. It's a Danish film (yes I've been watching a lot of Danish films lately, shoot me) from 1987 called Babette's Feast. 

Babette's guests would be criminal not to enjoy what she serves them.

It's about two Danish sisters that live in a remote impoverished town of devotees to the lord. They for some reason have a French maid, and yes this is before the slutty French maid aesthetic. It's a woman named Babette (Stephan Audran) who escaped the Napoleonic wars to the mercy of these two sisters and works for them for free. She keeps a friend in France that plays the lottery for her regularly, and finally she ends up winning 10,000 francs. She decides that to celebrate, and also honor the memory of the sisters' father who was the town pastor, she would like to cook everyone in the town (all 12 of them) an exquisite French feast. Unbeknownst to everyone, she was the head chef at one of the most posh restaurants in France. She insists on paying for it herself, and the town folk get nervous. They only eat pious things like bread soup, and refuse to take pleasure in any worldly indulgences such as fine French food. Sounding familiar by now? That's because I'm more than sure that this was the basis for the plot of Chocolat (2000) with Juliette Binoche. 

Juliette Binoche presents her nipples of Venus, aside from the cheeky name we all know that chocolate is one of the main aphrodisiacs.

It's almost sublime to watch her make fresh turtle soup, then belinis with caviar and sour cream, after which stuffing quails with foie gras and black truffles before putting them inside puff pastry, I mean I nearly lost it. Then, there was an endive salad and a cheese course before a delicate French pastry was served and everyone in the town secretly convinced that this indeed was a higher pleasure than the lord's love. I should mention it was all served with different versions of the best French wine, I mean you'd definitely have to be dead inside not to have your mouth watering right now. 

Quail in puff pastry. I just lost my mind.

If photographed well this will serve (no pun intended) just as well if not better than any porn on the internet right now. Why do you think I watch Julie and Julia (2009) to the point where I can recite it verbatim. Anyway, watch the film, and I have an application to Paris' Le Cordon Bleu academy to get cracking on. 

Trailer below. 

Chocolat trailer below. 

Cooking - A New Fetish

Chef Fabio Viviani explains the difference between medium rare and medium to dumb bitches on Real Housewives of Orange County

I was watching The Lost Footage special for the Real Housewives of Orange County (don't you dare judge me. I will cut you, I don't care) and they touched upon newest housewife Heather Dubrow's grand plans of opening her own restaurant. (This is why shit like this only makes it to the Lost Footage specials and not to prime time basic cable). I would imagine the food is pretentious comma garlicy with a hint of righteous indignation and harkening back to nouvelle cuisine's principals of tiny portions so that it can appear enticing and worth the money, but actually doesn't taste like anything and there's never enough of it. But then she mentioned the name of her head chef; Fabio Viviani, and all was good in Reality television world again. Fabio Viviani is this insanely successful Italian chef de cuisine, who is known for his use of fresh organic ingredients and mastery of complex techniques in gastronomy. Oh and did I mention he's hot as shit?

Here's the thing, fellas. There is NOTHING a woman finds sexier than a man who cooks, aside from a man with a good personality of course (I couldn't even type the second part of that sentence without laughing). Anyway, whereas being able to put together Spaghetti Bolognese used to be a feat deserving of a girl's best try-hard sex, television is proving to us that men seriously need to step up their cooking game. Now-a-days you better have a Michelin star to your name or we won't even bother putting your number in our phones. Also, it really helps to have a French accent.

Left to right, the judges of US series Master Chef (2010 - ): Graham Elliot, Gordon Ramsay, and Joe Bastianich (if that last one sounds familiar, he's Lydia Bastianich's son). I find all three of them attractive. Sexually. Yes, I'm serious.

Reality TV in particularly has been massively affected by this trend of men hanging up their business degrees and paying tuition for cooking school. Scottish-born master chef and holder of 13 Michelin stars Gordon Ramsay has revolutionized the idea that the kitchen is where it's at. Always big in his native UK, it was only after 2005 with the start of his own reality series Hell's Kitchen (2005 - ), did Gordon become a fixture of horny foodies everywhere. Now, he has three prime time shows, and is considered an icon not only in food but in television...and of our loins. One of these shows is Master Chef (2010 - ) where an assortment of unprofessional home-cooks get the opportunity to compete their way to master chef status (I'm being redundant, it's right there in the title). On the latest episode Gordon and his two co-judges; Graham Norton and Joe Bastianich, invited the 3 absolute best chefs in the entire world to come judge the food of the remaining competitors. 

For those not into food (first of all, fuck you) the chefs were Guy Savoy, Daniel Boulud, and Alain Ducasse. In the fine dining world these three are basically the father, son, and holy ghost of food. Aside from being the most successful chefs in the world, they are absolutely terrifying as individuals because there is nothing more snooty than a celebrated French chef.

For some reason, the only thing I could think of during the episode was; I want to sleep with all of them! Just knowing that they're professional chefs got me all warm in my pants, even though I've never actually seen them cook. Another point: watching a man cook for a woman is the same as when a man watches a woman do gymnastics in her underwear. On top of which we get to eat afterwards. As men have no idea how much that means to us.
With films like The Chef (2012) coming out next year starring action-film aficionado Jean Reno, cooking is definitely redefining what is 'macho' in our society. And if we go back to the core of this whole trend; Gordon Ramsay, that's basically as 'manly' as it gets. He looks like he can break a guy in half with his bare hands, and with the same hands can put together a delicate filet mignon with cauliflower silk and grilled haricot verts. I guess it really is true that the key to a woman's heart is through her mouth. Good one?

Below, Gordon Ramsay cooks his signature Beef Wellington, it's better than porn!

Below trailer for upcoming film The Chef (2013)