Are Brits Sexy? Quite...Indeed...Indubitably.

I'm a Benedictian...or would it be Cumberbacher? Either way, the flag looks like the picture above basically. I designed it myself. 

So I'm in the process of watching BBC America's 20 Sexiest Brits (2012) special because it's Saturday morning and I have nothing better to do with my time. Magic Mike (2012) opens at 11am so I still have a good half an hour to kill. My first thought was 'are there any of those?' my second thought was 'why do I give a shit?' but before I knew it there I was on the couch, diet coke for breakfast in hand watching this shit, and canceling my Magic Mike plans!

So the obvies were on the list, professional do-nothing fish-dog Pippa Middleton, British Jennifer Aniston - Emily Blunt, beef-cake supple-lips Tom Hardy...yada yada British yada. But then they wild-carded it and threw Benedict Cumberbatch at me. First of all, most British name since the Commonwealth was first formed, and he looks like an otter. I like them weird so I was all 'hell to the yes' during this segment, because he looks evil and like he might hurt me, but not really. So I get excited about that. 

Then I got pissed off. They put Fassbender on that list. First of all BBC, Fassbender was born in Germany to Irish parents and raised in Dublin. So I don't think any of that qualifies him to be a 'Brit', last time I checked the Republic of Ireland wasn't part of the Queen's Empire, so knock it off. I know you'd like to lay claim to him but, ain't gonna happen.

And just as I was about to get pissed at a TV show as if it were an ex-boyfriend they soothed me with announcing that Ben Whishaw made the list. Yes! thank you! I like them skinny, androgynous, quiet, and generally weird. So thank you, BBC America. That's a perfect man to me. 

Ben Whishaw. Mama like. 

But then they angered me again by putting someone as predictably bland as Colin Firth on the list like anyone gives two shits about him anymore. He was so bland even when he was younger, that I was not into it no matter how much British snobbishness and mumbling he brought to every role he ever played. Fail. 

My favorite part was the fact that they put Cadbury's flake on the list. I've lived in the UK and made the mistake of buying one or two of these things, probably when I was drunk. It basically looks like a cross between a stick of beef jerky and a mummified penis, and consists of rotten milk chocolate flakes condensed into the shape of a strange phallic stick that you could probably masturbate with. So the story behind this is that back in the day, the BBC had a sense of humor about itself made these tongue-in-cheek sensual commercials when a beautiful woman basically performs fellatio on the Cadbury's flake stick and then has some kind of chocolate orgasm. They are very similar to those Calvin Klien Obsession commercials over here in the states back in the 80's. Ironically, they would never make it past censors these days. 

Well kids, it looks like I have to sign off, they are about to talk about Andrew Garfield and I want to be fully present. Or at least I think it will be Andrew Garfield. The alluded to 'sexy men who've ever put on rubber suits' so better not be Chrisitan Bale. Cheerio! 

Below, Cadbury's Flake advert. 

Who's Hotter? Garfield or Fassbender?

You can chuck this up to comparing apples to oranges considering how different the two really are, but I honestly don't care. My mind has been going wild since I went to see Prometheus and they showed a new cut of The Amazing Spiderman trailer in 3D. And yes, I believe that if I really want it, I will end up with on of them one day, the question is who? 

It was inevitable that Fassy and Garfy would eventually be compared to each other considering they are both the starring in two of the biggest 3D films of the year. That's what I'm calling them by the way. Now, let's look at the disparities and see if we can figure things out. 

Garfy is British, mild-mannered, slightly dorky, and Jewish. Fassy is as aryan looking as they come, German-Irish, dominant, and somewhat aggressive. Both are insanely charming and attractive in their own unique ways, and now that they put Garfy in a skin tight rubber suit, I'm starting to loose my mind a little bit. 

From doing gritty independent dramas like Hunger (2008) and Fish Tank (2009), Fassy has blossomed into box office gold with films like X-Men: First Class (2011) and Prometheus (2012) but I don't necessarily think he's the wet dream of all screaming young girls in the theater. Garfy, on the other hand is androgynous and harmless looking enough for teenagers with budding sexualities to have a party in their lady parts. 

Fassy does amazingly hot sex scenes, just watch Shame (2011), that's all you have to do. You'll have your porn fix for the year. Garfy, on the other hand, has not yet done a sex scene quite as graphic, but then again no one has, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have the potential. I foresee plenty of weird graphic sweaty nipply sex scenes in his future. All  has to do is ask Cronenberg. 

This leads me to believe that Garfy is actually better at sex than Fassy, he seems like he would be more giving and less into himself during which is a vibe I tend to get while watching Fassy bump and grind with whomever. (Why not me, god?)

Fassy as David the robot, who is engineered to be the resembling the perfect human specimen. Sounds about accurate. 

But here's the thing, Garfy has that nerd appeal thing that is hotter than hot right now. He goes from playing Eduardo Saverin to the king of all nerds, Peter Parker. So he's the kind of guy you want to deflower. Slowly take off those thick-rimmed glasses, frazzle that hair a little bit and throw him on the bed after ripping his expensive American Eagle faded salmon colored polo shirt right off his nubile body. Ok, that's all going into my cheesy romance novel. Back on track, this also means he's the guy you want to bring to mom. I mean try explaining the plot of Shame to her and watch her have a mild cardiac infarction right before your very eyes when it's followed with 'oh and by the way, we're dating'.

Now, who's got the hotter accent? Since both of them are forced to adapt an American accent for many of their roles, it's really hard to tell, but Fassy's is very strange its a hybrid of Irish, British and German, and he talks very fast when he's off-script. The only time I think I've ever seen Garfy speak in his normal voice is when he made a cameo on SNL when Emma Stone was hosting for the second time.  and I'm going to have to give the edge to him on that one. 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Garfy will soon catch up to Fassy in the hot sex-scene category. 

I'm also going to go ahead and give him best eyes, and best mouth. Disagree all you want, but I like supple full lips. I think we all do. And because I like harmless, nice, guys, which I of course don't know for sure if that's what Garfy's like, I'm goingt to have to give my whole vote to Garfy and really start working on that, first thing's first - figure out where he lives, second item on the agenda, night-vision goggles. But that does not mean that when i'm in the mood I'm not going to go to my instant queue and scroll down to Fish Tank and watch it because the sex in that film (only two scenes) is hotter than any porn I've seen of late. 

Got you guys some trailers. Put on 3D glasses now.