Downton Abbey Changes Name to Sluts 'R Us and Saves the Estate

Lady Rose McClare have a gay ol' time.

We finally got the long awaited premiere of Season 4 of Downton Abbey here in the states after the shocking, and I mean seriously what the hell were you thinking Julian Fellows, shocking death of Cousin Matthew Crawley (Dan Stevens). For those playing the home game you know that the reason for this was because Dan Stevens is an idiot and asked to be written out of his goldmine of a contract so that he could pursue films which are likely to flop and let's face it Downton Abbey is the biggest thing to come out of the UK since Sarah Ferguson. You don't just ask to be written out of it. That's like marrying George Clooney and then asking for a divorce because you think you can 'do better', but you fucking can't so good riddance.
The incredible disappearring Michelle Dockery returns in her role as the now widowed single mum to their baby Master George (no doubt, named after the Royal Baby) and looks pastier, and ghostlier than ever. If I saw her at the top of the stairs I'd run in the opposite direction because that is a succubus daemon about to entrap itself in my head. But hey, we all have our ways of dealing with grief, apparently Cousin Mary's is bulimia and being dead behind the eyes. 

Spunky, posh, and blonde, she could easily pass for one of Prince Harry's girlfriends.

But nevermind that, there have been some new shall we say 'loose' additions to Downton Abbey, beginning with slut-in-training and general Zelda Fitzgerald wannabe, Rose MacClare (Lily James) the devil-may-care bouncy blonde who's come from the large Scottish estate we visited in the last season to live with the Granthams because her own family can't handle her anymore, and can you blame them? She's this close to having lovers crawl up to her bedroom via her long blonde locks. And there's no shortage of them, because this twenty something is always in the mood to go out and have a good time, she actually sounds like someone I'd latch unto if I was at Downton because she could save me from the constant and unwavering want to shoot myself in the foot just so I can see some color boredom. 

Lady Edith kisses her love in public. We must alert the church elders.

Another lady coming out of her shell this season, might I add, dull, predictable, whiny shell is Lady Edith (Laura Carmichael) surprisingly enough. Without the other two sisters to steal her thunder, she's taken the reigns of the feminine respite in Downton and is continuing to date her (still married) publisher in London, going with him to 'smart restaurants' and finally 'putting some effort' into how she dresses, and you know what peeps? She cleans up nice. I mean I'd hit that now that she's wearing lipstick and strapless gowns. But she soon might follow her love to Germany where he can get a legal divorce considering his current wife is in an asylum, long story...but you know what that means, she's not going to be very comfortable in the next decade. 

Edna Braithwaite, the new O'Brien. I smell trouble...and lemonface.

Another addition to the slut squad is Edna Braithwaite (MyAnna Buring) who as you recall was fired from Downton in the last season for hitting on the still grieving Branson....classy. This time she circumvented Mrs. Hughes AND Carson (not an easy feat) and went straight through to Lady Grantham (Elizabeth McGovern) who was in a frantic state to replace her lady's maid when O'Brien up and left suddenly (good riddance, did she ask to be written out of her contract too? Good luck, lemonface). Anyway, now she's back and there's nothing they can do about it downstairs, because she's lady's maid to the lady of the house. She's kind of above everyone, and she's made an important alliance with Thomas (Rob-James Collier) because let's face it, without O'Brien he's just not evil enough anymore. And who knows who she's got her squinty eyes on this time, I bet you she's going to try it on with Lord Grantham (Hugh Bonneville) who you know has a tendency to wander especially among his maid staff. 

On a side note, James the model/footman (Ed Speleers) keeps hitting on Ivy the plain Jane kitchen maid (Clara Theobold) and it's unclear whether its for sport or because he loves to see her doting around him and gets her blind drunk one night. Times are a changin' all over the place, and I can only hope that this season of Downton Abbey is saucier than every, I mean we are in the Roaring Twenties after all. Spice things up a bit Julian!

My Big Fat Gypsy Obsession

There is a new show that premiered on TLC last Sunday on April 28th. It's the American version spin-off of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (2009 - present) which was a runaway hit in the UK and crossed over to the fascination of all of us over here as well. It's called, wait for it...My Big Fat Gypsy American Wedding. The irony in the pilot episode was stated nail on the head 'though they look like skanks and prostitutes, they really do have high morals' oh the exploitive irony. Thanks for spelling it out for me America. 

But back to the original, what is there to say about My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding that hasn't already been said except 'wow, England has a lot of white trash'. This comes as a revelation to us Americans who believe all English people are stiff upper lipped reserved Shakespearian speaking milquetoast Downton Abbey types. 

But they are not, there are those that TLC refers to as 'travelers' or gypsies. But not in the usual respect in which we see gypsies in our heads (i.e. Esmerelda from Disney's version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame) They are not Romani per se (Romani is the PC way to describe a gypsy that is usually from Romanian or eastern European origin) They are Irish and English, and just full of the worst taste ever. And it's absolutely hilarious to all of us. The girls all get taken out of school circa 12 years old and save up doing...i don't know...something, so that they can eventually get married off at 16 (after 16 you're an old maid) to some douchy chubby do-nothing and live the rest of your life trekking around the scenic and beautiful landscape of gloomy and boring UK in a trailer. Jealous yet? 

Bridesmaids. A for creativity.

Another hilarious part of it, is that though it aired in the UK as well, the program when aired here in the states on TLC requires subtitles because otherwise, I seriously wouldn't understand a word of it. I hate to make this comparison, but they really do sound like Brad Pitt's character from Snatch. 

Anyway the best (or worst) part of the show is of course the dresses these folks don on the one day in their lives they get to feel special before leading a life of basically servitude. If you've ever visited tackyweddings.com that basically sums up what these girls end up looking like. 

Fake tanned to the point like they look like an overcooked chimichanga, with bleached hair that would make Barbie jealous, the dresses are usually of the design of this woman named Thelma Madine who lives in Liverpool and makes a living sewing crystal hearts and butterflies unto tutus. 

All in all, they really are child brides...who also look like whores. Just imagine crystals everywhere including the face, massive crimps and curls, and a dress who's petty coat would rival that first dress that Scarlet O'Hara is seen in in Gone with the Wind (1939) only sparklier. You know what? You shouldn't have to picture it, I'll give  you an example: 

Most of the show is focused on how hard it is to transport the person inside this ten gallon dress and actually to get her to stand on two feet the whole time. 

It's a fabulous shit show, which focuses on the 'fun part' but I'm sure the part afterwards...you know...the actual marriage...is anything but. Especially for the girls. But for now, gimme more! Side note, what's especially disgusting is when the ladies have their bachelorette parties which include their children cousins who are like 8 to 10 and are grinding on the dance floor like they are auditioning for a Beyoncé video. How this is legal I have no clue. Another side note, what is really really really cute and sad is how they love to compare their particular shit show of a wedding that I need tinted aviators to watch because of all the unnecessary bling to last year's Royal Wedding. Although Pippa's dress was pretty slutty so go for it ladies. Have your big wedding and then become nothing but a housewife and make sure you continue to keep women in the kitchen where they belong. But at least you get to wear a tiara for a day.

Nugget of the show just to get you interested.

Below promo for My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. So basically 'America girls who look like slutbags too'

Team Meatballs May be DTF, But I Wouldn't.

The latest episode of television's greatest guilty pleasure Jersey Shore was titled 'Meatball Mashup' when it should have been called 'Vagina Overload'. Out of all of the difficult to watch episodes, it was indeed the most cringe-worthy. 

First of all, Team Meatballs is a self-coined terms by Deena Cortese and Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi because they're Italian, short, and juicy (i'm guessing). And if you don't by now know what DTF stands for then you should get off of your penny-farthing bicycle, wax off your handle-bar mustache, and start paying attention. If glorified senior citizen Cloris Leachman uses it, there's no excuse. 

Anyway, in the latest greasy bronzed adventure for the Shore crew, they head off to the scenic beaches of Riccioni in the Rimini province of Italy to find people to rub up against, and when they can't, they opt for each other, and not for underwear. Let me put it this way, when bona fide sexpot cast member J-Woww is playing mom, then you know the situation (no pun intended) is not a good one. 

Deena and Snooki decided to get shit-faced and drink enough shots to put down a small farm animal (situation normal) but then the scene turns really ugly (and graphic) when the two of them against their roommates' advice decided to take their sloshed sloppy asses sans underwear to the club for a blurry fuck-it-all night out. 

They somehow stumble home in time to get changed for the evening's festivities and show up at the club ready to scare everyone there into a vow of celibacy. It's a wonder how the two are even standing but manage to gyrate up against a glass wall (and seriously Riccioni, if you know the meatballs are coming to town take down all glass walls) and press their lady parts against it. At this point all of us are thanking god for MTV's little Jersey Shore logos that pop up in front of the girls when they accidentally flash their naughty bits, which was literally every few seconds this episode. Now, I thought this was all pretty hilarious at first a couple years ago, but now it's getting old, and just a little too gross. I can't handle all that vagina. It reminded me of that time during 2007 when nipple slips were out and crotch shots were in. Everyone from Lindsey Lohan to Britney Spears to crotch shot aficionado Paris Hilton were plastering  their vag's all over the pages of The Inquirer and Star Magazine. I again find myself thinking what I did 4 years back; 'I did not sign up to be a gynecologist', and seriously ladies, enough is enough. Underwear will always be chic. There are so many options, lace, satin, silk, thongs, bikini cuts, flowers, pink cotton, anything and everything under the sun. It's a beautiful thing. 

To sum up, in the immortal and wise words of J-Woww on that fateful night: 'dude, your vagina is out. you're giving everyone a free show, put it away'. Very simple.