Jersey Shore Has Done The Unthinkable - It Got Boring!

Tracking the new tattoos on the male cast members is not as interesting as I thought it would be.

What is the point of this season (premiered on October 4th, 2012) exactly? Snooki is pregnant, Situation is sober, and Vinny is celibate? Am I watching a Monks of 18th Century Europe? I mean what the fuck is going on? No more smushing? No more falling down in bars, no more accidental/totally on purpose flashing of vagina everywhere? That was the very essense of everything beautiful of Jersey Shore and now it's all gone! Congrats MTV, now nothing happens on your damn show that no one liked to begin with. In the words of Joel McHale 'Apologize bitches!'

Dina cries every two seconds about her boyfriend who is right in front of her face, and Pauly D doesn't use any obnoxious catchphrases anymore, and JWoww has turned into set dressing. Who am I missing...oh yes. Ron and Sam eat often and a great deal. This is clearly the recipe for success.

Sober preggers women do not belong at the Jersey Shore. Snooki should have prioritized better.

I know it's the final season but it should accelerate not slow down. We all know Snooki's baby is not going to come out normal anyway, let her have a Long Island Iced Tea for fucks sake...AND a cigarette. You know she's craving them. It's not like feeding the fetus pickle juice as a food group is exactly healthy for he/she/it. Honestly if someone doesn't smush a juicehead gorilla or a grenade soon I might just give up on the whole franchise and write awful things about it for the rest of time. So for my sake, and the sake of my writing/sanity, please make this last season worth something. Yes, Situation is finding how wonderful life can be sober, but this is not an episode of Intervention, and I need him to spread herpes before I fall sleep at least once an episode like old times! Even Ron and Sam are not doing what usually makes them remotely interesting which is fighting like insane pigeons cooing over the last crumb of old coffee cake in Union Square, they are getting along, and I can't stand it. There is no conflict on this show anymore, no alcohol, no bitch-slapping, and no crying, and no peeing in bars.

Go out with a bang rather than fade away into nothingness, Jersey Shore. You had the potential to be television greatness. But none of us want to be the 6th season of Lost, and being compared to that is basically the kiss of death. Your 15 minutes are almost over! Make them count!

Below the hilarious promo for Season 6 which gave me false hopes. 

It's a Boy For Snooki....And We're All Forced to Imagine Her Lady Parts

I just can't, the jokes are just welling up in my mind until it drips cranial fluid through my ears, and everything is going dark. But yes, as In Touch, who has always been at the vanguard of entertainment reporting  broke 3 days ago, Snooki is indeed pregnant not with a drunk, sunburnt, greasy, and brain-damaged minion of the anti-christ but a completely human male. 

By the time Snooki delivers though it will be just right around that time that the Mayan calendar predicts the world will end, so maybe this is all just part of the ploy, I'm not sure. But another thing that is giving me an aneurism is wondering just what the fuckballs will it look like. Sorry him, not it...have to remember that from now on. 

But hey, Francis Bean Cobain ended up relatively normal and sans any lasting problems except for the inherited addiction to opiates, anger problems, and bipolar disorder, so good luck to her in the future. What most of us are actually thinking, aside from how easy it is going to be for this baby to walk right out of Snooki's labyrinthine venus fly-trap of a vagina, is how in holy hell is this kid ever going to have a normal life. 

But perhaps we're under-estimating her and her mothering skills will be slightly above Joan Crawford's. Perhaps she won't spray tan him right away, and give time for his milk teeth to come in before giving him his first shot of Jose Cuervo. All I can picture is just how loud it must be for that boy inside a velvetty cocoon of insullary noise. I wonder if that's the most gross thing I've said so far...probably not. But if you haven't started bleeding from the eyes just yet, keep reading. Don't worry it get's worse. 

But don't blame me, the idea of having to look down the barrel of Snooki's vagina and deliver her child is something every OBGYN dreads with the shudder of a thousand goosebumps, probably enough to give up their practice if it came down to it. I can only imagine it's something reminiscent of the film Alien (1979) and I'll let you figure out which scene I'm referring to. 

But think of it this way, Snooki's prenatal team: this is a service to science that you're doing, and your names will always be remembered, at least in the Twitter-verse. So let's just all brace ourselves and say a silent prayer like we've been since we found out this momentous house-upside-down news that Snooki is not drinking...as much...during her pregnancy. But I have a sneaking suspicion that when Jionni-Mario-Paulo-Guisseppe-Joey-Fettucini-Canoli starts to crown, the head doctor in charge will turn his head ask 'ok, who's smoking in here!?'

Here are some clips of the wonder that is Snooki. Start feeling genuinely sorry for this kid, especially when he reaches cognitive consciousness. 

Women's History Month in the Recent Media

Happy month of empowerment, fellow ladies and warrior goddesses. But before you go reciting a vagina monologue and doing a sister circle, I'm going to go ahead and put up the stankiest contradictions to everything that any suffrage or liberation front fought to let us have. 

A really great example on TV these days of that classic second-wave feminist idealism and ambition is the character of Leslie Barbara Knope on Parks & Recreation, played incomparably by Amy Poehler. She's basically a younger version of Hilary Clinton who's determination and all-consuming hard work at a largely thankless and at times contradictory job as deputy director of a small-town Parks department. What's great about her character is that it doesn't shy away from the vulnerability aspect of a single woman in a man's world, and her penchant for waffles and white wine. 

In the media, particularly in television, for every show like Parks and Recreation (2009 - ), which parody's and satirizes the idea of female empowerment, we have a show like the Real Housewives of... (2006 - ) where they actually call themselves 'evolved and intelligent' when the opposite is clearly true, but it's not even funny at that point, it's just so sad. Let's condense the history really quick. First, we got the vote, then we got equal pay, and then women got to be secretaries of state, but running along side all of those trailblazers were the following lovely, classy, and most lady-like members of the gentler sex that seem to keep us perpetually in second place. Enjoy your free drinks!

Basically what I'm saying is that for every Leslie Knope, there's 10 Taylor Armstrong's. The media is not the best example of woman's fight for equality, particularly reality television. And while public figures like Gabrielle Giffords, Nancy Pelosi, and Michelle Obama are making tremendous strides forwards, pretty girls with big boobs have television ratings to fish for and still ascertain most of our attention.

Below please find a very taught satirization of women's progress by SNL legend and huge female presence in said institution who broke down barriers for the likes of Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, and Maya Rudolph, Cheri Oteri. This is when Monica Lewinsky and the Clinton sex scandal was the major diet in the newspapers. It's actually frightening how foretelling it is considering we now have to deal with people like Dana on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and her 25,000$ sunglasses or Snooki on Jersey Shore, or all of the whiney bitches on Grey's Anatomy, who are all proving that the glory days of strong self-sufficient, ambitious, and independent women is a dream forgotten, and no Beyonce and Sofia Vergara don't count. 

Team Meatballs May be DTF, But I Wouldn't.

The latest episode of television's greatest guilty pleasure Jersey Shore was titled 'Meatball Mashup' when it should have been called 'Vagina Overload'. Out of all of the difficult to watch episodes, it was indeed the most cringe-worthy. 

First of all, Team Meatballs is a self-coined terms by Deena Cortese and Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi because they're Italian, short, and juicy (i'm guessing). And if you don't by now know what DTF stands for then you should get off of your penny-farthing bicycle, wax off your handle-bar mustache, and start paying attention. If glorified senior citizen Cloris Leachman uses it, there's no excuse. 

Anyway, in the latest greasy bronzed adventure for the Shore crew, they head off to the scenic beaches of Riccioni in the Rimini province of Italy to find people to rub up against, and when they can't, they opt for each other, and not for underwear. Let me put it this way, when bona fide sexpot cast member J-Woww is playing mom, then you know the situation (no pun intended) is not a good one. 

Deena and Snooki decided to get shit-faced and drink enough shots to put down a small farm animal (situation normal) but then the scene turns really ugly (and graphic) when the two of them against their roommates' advice decided to take their sloshed sloppy asses sans underwear to the club for a blurry fuck-it-all night out. 

They somehow stumble home in time to get changed for the evening's festivities and show up at the club ready to scare everyone there into a vow of celibacy. It's a wonder how the two are even standing but manage to gyrate up against a glass wall (and seriously Riccioni, if you know the meatballs are coming to town take down all glass walls) and press their lady parts against it. At this point all of us are thanking god for MTV's little Jersey Shore logos that pop up in front of the girls when they accidentally flash their naughty bits, which was literally every few seconds this episode. Now, I thought this was all pretty hilarious at first a couple years ago, but now it's getting old, and just a little too gross. I can't handle all that vagina. It reminded me of that time during 2007 when nipple slips were out and crotch shots were in. Everyone from Lindsey Lohan to Britney Spears to crotch shot aficionado Paris Hilton were plastering  their vag's all over the pages of The Inquirer and Star Magazine. I again find myself thinking what I did 4 years back; 'I did not sign up to be a gynecologist', and seriously ladies, enough is enough. Underwear will always be chic. There are so many options, lace, satin, silk, thongs, bikini cuts, flowers, pink cotton, anything and everything under the sun. It's a beautiful thing. 

To sum up, in the immortal and wise words of J-Woww on that fateful night: 'dude, your vagina is out. you're giving everyone a free show, put it away'. Very simple.