House of Cards. Filthy, Naughty, Politics

Kevin Spacey sitting in the same style as the Lincoln memorial. Rather offensive no? But I suppose that's part of the show's Caché.

If you haven't noticed, I've been in quite the creative lull lately, but I've had two cups of coffee in a half hour so let the inspiration rain down. Also, as it seems I have had nothing to watch unless it's either Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or Downton Abbey and I usually choose the latter because klonopin can only go so far, and Housewives always gets me so darn riled up. It's basically the only thing I have time for because I have what in the soft sciences is called a 'a job'...it's something you apply for and they pay you, nevermind I don't want to spoil the surprise. Anyway! 

I smell a lot of hate sex in their future.

The big buzz around my office has been the Netflix exclusive House of Cards (2013) The newest Aaron Sorkin show not written by Aaron Sorkin. It's a little bit of Game Change (2011), a little bit of Recount (2008), through the Richard III filter comes a story that Kevin Spacey constantly breaks the fourth wall to tell you about, kind of like a mean Woody Allen. But the big scene stealer is alpha male incumbent Peter Russo (Corey Stoll) who's first scene is him basically tearing apart some poor young Washington player who THINKS he's in love with her. Oh to be 22 and stupid out of your fucking mind. Washington is Washington people, lest we forget is the worst town ever. Covered in red tape and richeous indignation bullshit coated in dirty games and backhanded backstabbing, there's a reason why the word 'politics' is used as a pejorative. So anyway, first scene is him destroying this girl with his penis so immediately I liked him. Then the second scene was him being arrested for driving drunk, and at that point I was wondering if he was single. My kind of guy. Not that I condone driving drunk, but everyone knows I love a badass. And in a city of phonies that would make the most plastic of Real Housewives jealous, he's a real bitch baby. 

Coley Stoll as US Representative Peter Russo. Don't fuck with him, but if you do, make it messy.

Clearly I've only seen the one episode but don't worry dear readers, I plan to continue, just give me some fucking time! I have a feeling there's going to be a wildly graphic scene involving Robin Wright because it's been a whiiiiile since she's been let out of a constricting dress so I'm sure she's begging for it. Anyway, you're probably watching House of Cards already so I won't even bother recommending it. Let's all tune in to see what happens next shall we? 

Kate Mara as Zoe Barnes. Don't fuck with her or you'll end up in her blog...same goes for me too.

PS Rooney Mara's less hot and more annoying younger sister Kate Mara is on the show as the hipster blogger wants-to-stir-up-trouble next-Woodward or Bernstein low-level journalist who's probably going to have a few affairs and bunny sex scenes of her own so, tune into that!

 Trailer below. 

CNN Should Take Cues From Bravo When it Comes to Debates

If the increasingly boring debates are starting to get to you, worry not. Cable networks would never leave you without options. There's always palpable tension, name-calling and general disagreements having all over the place, you just have to know where to look. The 4th Season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey had it's reunion special spread over three weeks and you better be sure they packed enough punches 'cunts' and sparkles into the Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa that would distract the most undecided and clueless voter. 

My advice? Turn off the CNN because Chris Matthews' voice and forehead are both so overbearing and aesthetically offensive and start following Andy Cohen on twitter and DVRing every Bravo show out there.

aesthetically, the Real Housewives is very similar to the debate. I prefer these fabulous couches rather than podiums though.

Bravo exists in a universe where elections, wars, recessions, and general things that the normal person tends to think about don't exist and never have. You ask the average housewife to tell you who the vice president of the country was (which actually happened, on season 3) between the four of them, they won't be able to give you a cohesive answer aside from 'that grey haired guy!'

Bravo is the simplest most profound form of escapism that exists today. That's right, put down the heroin needles and throw away those overpriced tickets to Six Flags, because you can just tune into Bravo on any given day and see what the Top Chefs are up to when they're not competing in basically a gladiatorial version of cooking against each other. 

Bravo has also elevated fighting and verbal jousting into nothing less than an art form. You want to see people argue? It's not going to be at the debate. It's on channel 48, 9pm Eastern Standard Time. Unlike what's expected at the presidential debate, the Bravo reunion specials are usually so outlandish that there's never anything to expect, except walk offs, the occasional hair pulling, and a lot of throwing around the word 'goddamn bitch' and variations of that like 'cunt bitch' 'slut bitch' 'bitch queen' and 'I'll kill your stupid bitch face'. If only Romney and Obama were allowed to talk to each other like that, or at least CNN would put Michelle and Ann in a room together with no windows and some cameras rolling, I'm sure it would be up to par with a Real Housewives reunion in a matter of seconds. Classy ladies have a breaking point too. 

Inner monologue of both: Why thank you, I am more awesome.

 Though Candy Crowley proved to be the most interesting moderator of the entire election, she still can't hold a candle to Andy Cohen who will gladly hold down a housewife as she tries to backhand him to get to her adversary but then toast champagne with her in the next scene. If you ask me, he should have been a moderator at one point, I'm sure somewhere in the back of his mind piled up under confetti and pictures of naked bartenders is that tiny wish to go full on serious journalism a la Anderson Cooper. I mean, the guy can't get enough of making it all about himself no matter how insane the action around him gets. 

Let's face it, how many undecided voters are actually out there, and do any of the debates actually affect our opinion. We're just waiting for that moment where Obama does his little 'booyah' facial expression and pulls out the subtle swag to trip shaky dis-human Romney up on an asinine accusation. And after that, we're waiting for the next SNL cold open to lampoon it. None of us actually care or follow what is being said, be honest. I'm still casting my vote for Obama, and no amount of cat fighting goes on at mid-level university auditoriums is going to affect that. If you want to see some serious passive-aggressive drama and palpable tension manifested in sly backdoor insults, change the channel to Bravo and catch it all.

Below some clips. 

Boy if drama for the white house was only this interesting.

Like we need more opinions from Chris Matthews, and why does he insist on yelling them at us?

Say What? 'Legitimate'-Gate and Its Repercussions

Todd Akin; the picture of privileged white-man hypocrisy. And also he looks somewhat like a serial killer.

As Lynne Koplitz once put it 'I'm not well adjusted, I'm on Vicodin when I visit you', well I had to take a Vicodin because i hurt my ankle, but it's making me all euphoric and woozy so I feel this is the best time to write about the whole 'legitimate rape' debacle that has everyone up in arms, because this means I can't get too crazy and angry, and can just barrel through this with a mellow distance.

Unless you've been planning your suicide and don't have much time for CNN, newspapers, HuffPo, or people talking around you, you've heard of 'legitimate rape-gate'. Some foo named Todd Akin, who's apparently running for republican senate (good luck with that) said something along the lines of when a woman is 'legitimately raped' her body has a way of shutting her reproductive organs so that she doesn't get pregnant. Ergo abortions should be completely illegal even in cases of rape, because rape can't get you pregnant, unless you were wearing a short skirt and asking for it, you disgusting whore.

Now there's nothing I love more in this world (aside from Aussie shepherd puppies) than old white wrinkly dudes on capitol hill talking about a woman's body and anatomy like they've ever even touched a boobie in their entire lives. Every time Uncle Fester has something to say, he looks like his knowledge of the female body was taught to him by his sister in an outhouse (ok I went a little Larry Flynt just now) or, him and his wife procreate through a hole in the sheet without looking at each other, fully clothed. And Mr. Todd Akin looks like he hasn't fornicated with ANYTHING for millenniums. Not only that, he's entering dangerous 'Anne-Coulter territory' to where even the Republican party itself is turning its back to you and disassociating you from their politics. Once that happens, it basically means you've fallen pretty far buddy. 

First of all, I'm very much of the opinion that not only 'my body, my choice', but that it is highly unfair for 'lawmakers' who are mostly white men get to make these kinds of decisions for us, just because their daddy's paid for their Law School back in the 50's get ANY say in this whole debate coming up with scientific theory that even a hungover 8th grade science student would go 'oh yeah, that's not true'.

If anything though, I think what Akin said, as horrendous and utterly disgusting it was, might bring some good to this whole election after all. If people slowly start to realize that this is actually how people in the Republican party think (and i'm sorry, but it's true. You always get flub ups and hypocritical statements coming out of their circle, I mean Sarah Palin's brain was like a hotbed for thoughts like that) then, Obama has more than just a fighting chance. 

The whole thing is beyond infuriating, especially putting words like 'legitimate' and 'rape' even in the same breath, and does so much damage by offending basically the entire female population all over the world, it basically makes us remember that we're still #2 even though we're supposedly as progressive as we all think we are. Some people just need their mouths taped shut, and most of those people are Republicans, this just proves my point. 

See video below.