Are You Looking Forward to A Place Beyond the Pines? Me Neither

Hey girl...gotta light? I'm a bad boy now if you haven't already heard.

First of all, I think even Ryan Gosling is sick of Ryan Gosling. I mean, I can't look at his face anymore. He's so hot he's gotten not hot. And let's face it, this looks like Drive (2011) and Blue Valentine (2012) had a bastard child. First of all, I heard one critic mention that he thought that Blue Valentine was like a 2-hour acting exercise, and I very well have to agree with that statement, so I wasn't expecting much from this 'action thriller' with indie gritty realism and two really hot guys and a hot chick that was good in that one movie that one time.  

Fine, I'll just say it, I haven't seen it, but I do have a friend at work and we have very similar tastes so I trust him, and he told me it was garbage, and this is coming from a guy who lurves Blue Valentine. Filth wise, I feel that this film is going to be just as disingenuous and gratuitous as the latter of the director's. I found his love scenes in his first film almost grotesquely unsexy, by that I'm not talking on superficial levels. I mean, it wasn't aesthetically choreographed to where you would enjoy it, it was like watching bad porn, and nothing is worse than that experience. That takes a 3 cold shower minimum to wipe away. 

I have a feeling the only good thing about this film is Bradley Cooper because he's pretty brilliant in everything.

So if you're thinking, sophomore slump, you're both right and wrong. First of all, it can't be called a slump if your first effort was a piece of shit, second, I don't think I've heard anyone give it a good review, or at least anyone I know or respect as a bona fied film connoisseur. (I know it was generally well-received on metacritic but honestly when did any of us seriously read any of those). So, of course I am going to be a presumptuous bitch here and recommend without any further knowledge or experience that you not see it and hold out for something better, such as Upstream Color (2013) which comes out this Friday, if you're desperate to fulfill your indie hipster film quota for the month.

Free Associating with Ryan Gosling!

This is taken verbatim from my conversation with a friend over this recent momentous Gosling news. I can be very random, but I'm completely enjoying all of the insane places my mind has been going to since this incident. Trashy fan fiction here I come!

Just imagine you're walking into traffic listening to your headphones, blasting the Ke$ha without a care in the world just walking right into traffic...and then suddenly a warm large hand grabs you by the arm and yanks you to the curb...

its comforting...

its exciting...
you don't even understand what just happened and all you see is...

a face looks up at you...
breathing heavily, kind of scared himself
with those ridiculous blue doe eyes...

and says 'hey, easy there'

try and not to have a full on party in your lady parts...

if he did that to me, it would be in vain because i would faint and hit my head on the curb and die anyway...
but it's nice to have the fantasy... 

The only man better than Ryan Gosling was Paul Newman...Ryan Gosling is the new Paul Newman...Ryan Gosling should PLAY Paul Newman in the movie about his life...I'd watch the shit out of that...
i bet his breath smells like roses...

and his hands are like super soft...

not women's hands soft just that right kind of manly soft...
This would make for a great porn premise ...
But I think Gosling would fight that...
If he ever did porn I'd lose respect for him...
But i'd still watch it, are you kidding me?

 Is Ryan Gosling still Mormon...because i'm pretty sure he's Jesus.
I'm telling you he's Jesus...
..would that make him mormon Jesus...
Then his name would be Ryan Godling...
I'm sure I'm the first one to come up with that...

To be continued...

Oh and just for shits and giggles i'm posting some stuff from Gosling's early years. I'm not even going to front, I totally used to record Young Hercules on VHS back in the day. I never missed an episode.

#OCCUPYCOOPER

Everyone has been up in arms over the arbitrary and more-or-less useless title of People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive going to Bradley Cooper this past week.

Bradley Cooper: Sexiest Man Alive

Facebook and Twitter were inundated with #occupygosling rants and raves. And I have to admit that I was on board until I really thought about it. 

Let Bradley Cooper take the title in peace and enjoy it. No one can say that he doesn't deserve it. 

People are treating him like he's some kind of troll gremlin from a bad sci-fi movie. no fair. 

Here is a list of reasons that Bradley Cooper makes me go a little crazy in my lady parts.

1. He's been in drag, did it on SNL.
2. He has literally the bluest eyes in this whole universe. That's why he can't stand in front of a green screen.
3. He likes to stay home and cook rather than go to fancy pretentious restaurants.
4. He thinks the most beautiful woman that ever lived is Julie Christie.
5. He loves his mom.
6. Ryan Gosling is a mormon.
7. Ryan Gosling was born in the 80's, he has plenty of time to win Sexiest Man Alive and will as time goes by.
8. Did you see that scene in The Hangover when the morning after Cooper goes shirtless into a room to see if there is indeed a tiger there. He has the most beautiful back in man-back town.
9. He's funny.
10. His nipples are perkier than Gosling's.

The list goes superfluously on and on, but I don't want to bore you. (I probably already have).

Now, I'm not denying that Ryan Gosling is beautiful piece of Canadian man-meat. He has those innocent doe eyes, prominent brow, chiseled abs and blonde hair of a Michelangelo statue and plays characters that are always in some kind of romantic trauma that eases him nicely into all of our cheese-ball fantasy files. He's a few inches of hair short of being on the cover of Danielle Steel novels, and more power to him. He deserves the title as well, but I think Cooper is a better candidate honestly. I think with Cooper we get to see a lot of the personality that goes along with that pretty face, and corny as it may sound, that's important to our lady parts. With Gosling, I'm never sure there's more there than the characters he portrays, he's a romantic lead, but sometimes we need a clown, and Cooper can be both. 

I say good job People Magazine. You have all the time in the world to give it to Gosling and probably will.