I am Pissed Off at Ridley Scott

Is that a Tsunami? No it's just Moses walking casually as the Red Sea hurdles behind him

Ok so, I decided to spend most of today in, and HBO in all of its wisdom was showing Ridley Scott's 2014 'biblical epic' Exodus: Gods and Kings. I knew the film got like almost universally horrible reviews except for some douche at Rolling Stone magazine, and that was to be expected. As a Jew who has watched Cecil B. Demille's The Ten Commandments (1954) every time it's broadcast on NBC right before passover, and as a Jew on the whole, I almost lost it. Of course I'd heard the incendiary comments that Christian Bale (who played Moses) say that Moses was one of the most barbaric people he'd ever researched. Um...really? Most biblical scholars would disagree. On top of which, Ridley Scott himself defended his 'creative choices' to have those very recognizable miracles in the Old and New Testament including the 10 Plagues of Egypt and the Parting of the Red Sea as 'natural occurrences'. Now, I'm all for different depictions of history, perhaps more modernized and appropriated for an audience that can't comprehend miracles decided by a burning bush. It is 2015 after all, but if you're a self-proclaimed atheist perhaps you should veer away from a movie who's source material is the Bible. Just sayin'. Also, maybe don't cast Aryan-looking actors from Wales and America to play messianic icons from Ancient Egypt and the Middle East. As I said, it's 2015. 

I don't want to nitpick (too late) but I remember some historian being really enamored at the fact that in this scene (where they are building the iconic Great Sphinx of Giza, the face seems to have very European features, you almost expect Michelangelo Buonarroti to be sculpting it)

But I was not only offended as a Jew, as a person with a passion for films more so. As a Jew I don't get offended that much. But as someone who grew up with those stories and no matter what spiritual changes I have made over my growing up, I still hold those stories (whether accurate or even possible) to be close to my heart. I love sitting around a Passover table and people telling their different recollections of one of the most interesting and moving Bible stories that exists, at least for people in my tribe. I came into it with hesitation, but I just had to see it, because those aforementioned miracles would have to appear somehow. But the film was devoid of any emotion, and generally empty and had no heart whatsoever. This is surprising from a man who single-handedly revived the Ancient Roman film with Gladiator and fucked up his own legacy of sci-fi horror with Prometheus. 

Seriously, only good part of this film, in perhaps on of the most heartbreaking scenes. The story goes that after 9 plagues, Moses warned Ramses ominously of a tenth that would be more devastating than the rest but wouldn't say what it was. After this, the proud Pharaoh finally capitulated, and Edgerton plays all of that beautifully.

Dragged for over 2 1/2 hours (granted Demille's version is well into 3 hours and change), this film kept all of the humanity out of it, not to mention pawned off the fascinating plagues and the most fascinating thing of all whether imagined or true; the parting of the Red Sea to be neutered into something that just naturally happened. Yeah, these might be fairy tales, but hey we all fell in love with Star Wars didn't we? What neutered the whole Darth Vader evil thing? Backstory. But I'm getting off topic. Aaron Paul as Joshua was almost laughable, and the fact that Moses has to talk to a messenger of God named Malak (the literal Hebrew translation into 'messenger of god') instead of talking to a burning bush was even more ridiculous than have Christian Bale talk to a burning bush. 

Demille's version is notorious for being one of the most inaccurate portrayals of the Exodus, but it was so much fun. Anne Baxter (right) plays a woman who didn't even exist much less cause a riff of jealousy between supposed brothers Ramses and Moses. Nevertheless, it was fun. And that's all filmmaking needs to be!

The only thing that stood out was the casting of Joel Edgerton as Ramses II. As we've learned from Yul Brynner from the Demille film, this is a Pharaoh that's a full on sadist. Even with his wife, he gets off at the suffering of others. And even coming close to that kind of iconic performance was a feat. I mean, Brynner totally stole the movie, especially for us women. Edgerton was perfect because he always seems to take a crap movie based on great source material (we all remember Gatsby) and make at least his performance brilliant, which he does. He's the exact type of angry and emotional that could play a conflicted and hardened narcissistic Pharaoh obsessed with his own legacy, not realizing an uprising is imminent. 

You think recreating the mass exodus of over 300,000 Jews out of Egypt is arduous? Imagine how Demille did it in the 50's with no CGI?

But that's the only point I can give it. Everything else was an abomination, and not in the Biblical context, though that had a lot to do with it, but in a film context mostly. It was a white washed version of again, one of the most amazing and mind-blowing stories in biblical scripture, that both old and new testaments acknowledge. Jews, at least reform Jews (as in Jews that don't care so much and just identify as such) don't treat the Old Testament as the holy gospel where absolutely every damn word is true and though about 4000 years old should be taken literally. It's just a book of stories, at least to me, and the holidays based on things like the Exodus out of Egypt or the Maccabean Revolt (Hannukah) are based on lessons that are universal; that every man is entitled to freedom, that being stubborn will alienate you, and if you have faith, no matter if in god, or yourself, or something greater than you, you will come out on top even under the most implausible odds standing in your way. I would hate it that when I have a family of my own, and NBC suddenly stops broadcasting the classic Demille film, albeit a total break from the actual context of the story of Moses and began showing Exodus: Gods and Kings instead which i not only an abomination of filmmaking, but of biblical stories, which I am sorry but perhaps should be left alone. Yeah, modern audiences aren't so much buying it anymore, well let's just say they are disinterested. I honestly don't think I've ever rolled my eyes so much...and I've seen Interstellar. 

Below, stuff on Demille's film, seriously, just watch that instead. 

The List Of Things I Learned From the Oscars

Seriously?

1. J-Law is either milking the awkward klutz thing for all it's worth or she's constantly drunk.
2. Benedict Cumberbatch is the shiznit because he had the balls to photobomb U2.
3. Amy Adams didn't go to college what a dumb bitch.
4. Liza Minelli put blue in her hair.
5. I. Love. Jared. Leto.
6. I've become attracted to him again.
7. He loves his mom and that turns me on.
8. I don't care if he didn't bother to brush his hair.
9. Damn it, I have to start listening to his crappy band now
10. Ellen Degeneres is boring
11. She had to resort to taking selfies and ordering pizza to keep the show from flopping
12. Leonardo DiCaprio REALLY hates losing.
13. John Travolta can't pronounce shit.
14. wait...there was a theme to the Oscars?
15. Jared Leto!!!!
16. Pharrell can get ANYONE to dance.
17. Woody Allen rumors ain't true.
18. Jennifer Lawrence is the new Kristen Stewart...she must be destroyed.
19. Bradley Cooper parades around his pedophilia like it's something to be proud of.
20. Christian Bale don't dance.
21. They stopped playing off long and boring acceptance speeches. They need to start doing that again.
22. If anyone ever says 'thank you for teaching me to dream' ever again I'm done with this show
23. They really skimped on the production design this year.
24. The Great Gatsby won 2 awards....da fuuuhhh?
25. White tuxedos have become acceptable to wear.
26. Kevin Spacey is sooooooo gay.
27. Benedict Cumberbatch kissed Angelina Jolie when 12 Years a Slave won. What a bitch.
28. Cate Blanchett deserves a standing O....always. Hashtag suck it.

A Reality Show About Red Necks? How Fucking Fascinating.

As all of you pathetic shit-eating couch potatoes know, tonight A&E will premiere it's 4th (yes 4th) season of Duck Dynasty like it hasn't completely bled it's audience dry with garbage programming for 5 years and counting. Television is making a statement folks, and the statement is this; we know you're tired of seeing shows about people richer and more powerful than you (thanks for nothing Bravo network) especially during a fucking recession, so we're going to appeal to the dumb-it-down average nascar enthusiast who has nothing better to do with his time demographic and give you shows about people that clearly had parents that were related to each other.

So before when your inner monologue as the viewer was 'god I wish I had that life' while watching any Real Housewives franchise, it can now be 'god I'm glad I'm at least in better shape than these fools' while watching any show to do with red necks, which happens to be the 'it' factor of reality TV right about now with shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Sister Wives, and the ever present Duck Dynasty. Now most of these shows get reamed up the ass with criticism on how they exploit (holy shit, reality TV exploits things!?) poor and stupid fame whores for profit to a sadistic audience, but surprisingly enough, Duck Dynasty gets nothing but praise for it's 'wholesome' and 'family-oriented' atmosphere. Puuuuuhleeeaaaase. 

Looks like methed-out Santa

Here's the premise for the show just for those last 5 people on this planet with self respect that just cruise right by that when it airs. It's a family of redneck brothers, wives, fathers, and crazy uncles and they made millions (apparently) off designing duck calls. For the lamen, a duck call is a kazoo-type instrument used to simulate the sound of a duck so as to lure actual ducks into the path of a giant gun in order to shoot it for sport. Don't that sound appealing as fuck, rootin' tootin' bootin' flootin'...whatever. 

And basically there's a lot of hi jinx which I'm sorry has to take the reality out of 'reality TV' because no actual person would be in contrived situations that involve some kind of problem solving tactics and hilarity ensues when no one can cooperate properly. That's basically the premise of every episode. It's like Saved by the Bell with rednecks.

I mean can we all just admit the ugly truth here? This programming is completely backwards...basically just like most of the south is and always will be. Family values? Are you fucking kidding me? I remember an episode where the grandpappy had to teach is grandson about the birds and the bees using crawfish. Now I know this is the boondocks of Louisiana but don't they have sex-ed in their one-room classrooms? Or at least show him how to put a condom on a goddamn banana. Also, it's just so chalk full of mysoginy it's sickening as a woman to digest. It's like someone rammed a turkey baster of testosterone down my throat and I'm choking on it. You get the picture I'm painting here? All the women look like they just stepped out of a Ms. Purtiest Louisiana pageant only 20 years too late, and do little but complain and shop, oh and that other thing that it's implied women do well...cook. How forward-thinking of you. Even though the show claims that husband and wife duck-team are 50-50 and everything is even between those two we all know who wears the ill fitting camouflage pants in the family, and that's another thing; why the fuck are they always in camouflage? Is there a war they're being sent off to later (wishful thinking), I mean, you're hunting ducks. Seriously? They could probably tell you're there if you were dressed in the brightest colors that would make any drag queen jealous. Stop pretending that what you do matters or that anyone gives a shit. 

Also, am I the only one of a different religion that gets the indoctrination message of this damn show? Oh only good Christians make millions off the dumbest ideas ever and only have little things to worry about and no real problems. Us filthy Jews gotta keep on truckin'. 

Everyone say 'fame whore!'

Which brings me to the center of this shrubbery maze. Nothing interesting happens on the show, it's scenarios like 'oh my shirt is dirty' 'oh my daughter uses her phone too much' and 'oh no one wants to help me with this absurd idea I just pulled out of my ass'. I cannot believe that many people are wasting their time on this, it's not even remotely funny and the characters get old damn fast. It's like when Cher refers to Amber as a Monet painting in Clueless (1995); 'it's like the painting see, from afar it's ok but up close it's just a big old mess', just imagine being in close proximity to those people, if the smell doesn't get to you, that old-timey borderline ridiculous, inarticulate Southern country fried wisdom will. I don't know how many seasons this show has left in its cannon but I'm seriously praying (to my Jewish god) that it's not much more. A&E, it's time to regain your dignity and stop digging yourself into a giant sticky quicksand hole...literally.

Male Fashion Trends That Should Come Back So That Women Will Fuck You

Going off script here, It's my 200th post. So yay! I'm going to write whatever the hell I want. Fellas, listen the fuck up. Enough with the frosted tips, tribal tattoos, plastic sunglasses and skinny jeans. You look like an idiot, and I can smell the douche on you from a mile away. If your goal is to make yourself appealing to females and eventually their vaginas, you're doing it all wrong. Here are trends that I think we should bring back that make you look like more of a man and like less of a bitch.

Man-tanning. Take it from me, if you do it evenly and don't overdo it, you'll remind girls of Cary Grant, and that's always a good thing. Even in the dead of winter.

Cravats. If you want to look sharp and like you make a lot of money, which is always, always appealing to women, buy a cravat or two, it's not as obnoxious as a dickie-bow, and not as boring as a tie. It will always sharpen up your oufit.

The serious beard. Enough with the crazy facial hair experiments. Last year it was the handle-bar mustache, now it's the amish beard, it's like stop smoking so much pot and grow a dang serious beard if you're going to have any facial hair. All or nothing boys.

The sweater vest is not fundamentally dorky. You don't have to be Chandler Bing to properly rock this, and you will always look like you just stepped right off a yacht.

This might be a bit controversial, but I swear, a man in high rise bell bottoms always looked awesome to me. It makes me think their a rock star from the 70's. Also it attracts attention to your ass, so yay!

The short tie. The Mad Men revolution has been of utmost importance in fashion particularly. Enough of the skinny bitch tie. It just makes you look fat. The short tie will make you look like Don Draper. I'm talking like instantly. Try it, put one on.

The curtained hair. I always always always was attracted to longer hair, I have no idea why. I know it's like way ridiculous, but when a guy grows out his hair, he just looks hotter. I swear, it just happens. And curtained hair makes you look sensitive.

The frilly shirt. If you're ballsy enough to wear this non-ironically, I salute you sir. The frilly shirt is very Baroque, and shows that you're not afraid of taking risks. Yeah, because that fedora you think you're rocking is not a risk and it's retarded.

the cigarette holder. It looks so much cooler than just pulling out a cigarette and smoking it. You just feel fancy, and that's always fun.

Did I Miss The Memo On How Rape Is Funny? Apparently.

Although crass and immature, and someone who definitely has their douchy moments, I wouldn't label Tosh as completely and utterly disgusting and depraved. I would label him disgusting and depraved at times. 

Unless you're living in a cave or you know...the valley, you've heard about the recent controversy regarding Daniel Tosh making insensitive and offensive rape jokes at a heckler at The Laugh Factory on July 10th which has the country up in arms and raising all kinds of eye-brows. Has history taught us nothing? Nothing good happens at The Laugh Factory. Didn't we learn our lesson with Michael Richards back in 2006? If you heckle a comedian there, he will in fact make racial epithets or say something equally degrading right back at you. I live like 5 minutes away from there and I still haven't set foot in it.

I have always been a huge fan of Daniel Tosh and have all of his specials on my iphone, but when one of them came up on my shuffle picks as I was going hard on the elliptical (have I humblebragged enough in that last sentence?) I was apprehensive as to whether or not I should listen to it or press the shuffle button again. 

If you have listened to his previous work, you'll know this is nothing new to his repertoire. Tosh has never passed himself off as a 'clean' comedian. He's about as filthy as they come, and always, always pushes the envelope. Would I say too far? Yes. But no one has ever complained before. In fact, he made a very similar joke in his Happy Thoughts (2011) special. It goes something like; 'My sister and I love to play practical jokes on each other. So I replaced my sister's pepper spray with silly string...anyway that night she got raped, and the next day she was like- You son of a bitch! You got me so good.' he followed this by saying another tasteless and crude joke after which he sarcastically quipped; 'is this the joke that's too far? just making sure. Everyone was ok with my sister being raped right?'. 

Now, let's make this perfectly clear. I am not at all condoning what he said, nor am I ok with dirty comedians hiding behind the 'everything is comedy' perspective much like hate mongers hide behind the first amendment, but I would say it's rather hypocritical of us to condemn Tosh for a tasteless joke he made in a long line of tasteless jokes that we before accepted with open arms because he implied it to a specific person rather than an abstract and unlikely scenario. 

But quite honestly I'm at a loss, Jezebel and the like have been pointing the finger at Tosh basically being upset with the tonality and lack of substance to his joke rather than the content itself citing inexplicably other jokes regarding rape that are 'perfectly appropriate' such as Louis CK's quip which goes; 'obviously you should never rape anybody, unless you have a good reason like you want to have sex with someone and they won't let you'. And while Tosh is nowhere near being as nuanced and detrimentally snide as CK, his particular style has never been anything but offensive. That's specifically what he has cultivated over his career, and to condemn him now for something that was indeed a senseless and impulsive verbal diarrhea jag, it would be pretty late in the game considering how long we've tolerated and actually embraced those kind of jokes from the same source. 

We as a culture, have always fed like crazed vultures on the sensationalized, vulgar, and obscene. That's why we still watch The Real Housewives of... franchise, and Robert Blake is being interviewed on Piers Morgan Tonight this week to record ratings. But of course, there is a thin red line you tow when you choose to capitalize on that like Tosh has. What he said was indeed callous, and completely offensive to not only that girl at The Laugh Factory, but to women on the whole. Especially when our rights are constantly being threatened by the likes of Mitt Romney practically every day in his presidential campaign. One could say that this is the last thing we need, and they would be right. Given all of that, I think I'll eventually forgive Tosh's poor judgement, though it might be a bit hard to do so. 

Below is that joke that I referenced earlier. 

Louis CK, no stranger to the rape joke, went on twitter to defend Daniel Tosh. And while his particular brand of, I'm so sorry to say this, but apparently there's a term for it now and it's called 'rape-joke' is arguably more finessed, and less (for lack of a better word) douchy, they are still pretty dang sexist.