No no no no no no no no...no!

Michelle Williams will be the next Sally Bowles. I may never be the same again.

It's bad enough that Michelle Williams and all of her quiet courageous talent or as I like to call it under-acting had to take down one of my favorite screen and pop culture icons with the sweaty piece of turd that was My Week with Marilyn (2011), but now, she's gone too far people. I am THIS close to rioting. What that would entail is me printing out a very large flag with Liza Minnelli's face on it, putting on a t-shirt that says 'no one fucks with Bob Fosse' and screaming through the LA streets like a deranged lunatic and I very well might. A very good friend of mine (though I seriously considered strangling her were we on the same side of the country) sent me news that Michelle Williams will be playing the iconic role of Sally Bowles. I. Want. To. Vomit. Murder. Punch Something. In that order. Here's the damned article Michelle Williams to Make Broadway Debut in ‘Cabaret’

When I'm through, then I'm through...and I'm through...tootdle-oo.

Yes, she's not doing a remake of the film (if that were the case, I would be in the paper tomorrow with blood on my hands) but still. And yes there have been many Sally Bowles on stage, but none match the brilliance with which Liza was able to execute it. It's the role she was born to play, and it's the role we (at least most of us) all tend to associate with her, except if you're a hardcore Arrested Development fan. There is ONE Sally Bowles, just like there's one fucking King of Siam and that's Yul Brynner, therefore the former is Liza. As a proud gay man I will say that without reserve. And there was never a greater pairing between Liza Minnelli and Bob Fosse (discounting Liza Minnelli and Roy Halston). Fosse directed her to her Academy Award, won one himself for Best Director (a huge feat considering his biggest competition that year was F. F. Coppolla for The Godfather). I am seriously beside myself. I've read the Isherwood story 'I Am a Camera' which was adapted by Kander and Ebb (NYU alums what, what) into the musical 'Cabaret', which under the brilliant direction and choreography of Bob Fosse cemented its status as one of the most innovative and unique plays that ever danced across the Broadway stage. When the film adaptation premiered in 1971, lines to get into the theaters in New York were 6 blocks long. The work was so highly original and brilliantly executed, and everyone was basically born for the job they did. 

The dream team; Liza and Bob Fosse take a break between takes.

And again, coming back to the apex of this whole thing. Liza was born to play Sally Bowles. No other person before or since has done it remotely better or should even be considered...or remembered. I've never seen such a fusion of actor and character. It's as if they were the same person, which they kind of were when you think about it. 

Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey proudly hold up their Oscars in triumph especially considering Joel Grey beat out the entire supporting cast of The Godfather (1971)

And dear Liza, you in your black silk strap-on pantyhose, bowler hat, and under-lashes will always remain in my memory. Michelle go fuck yourself with something hard and sand-papery. Stop taking on roles that are clearly too big for your bland personality. Stick to shit like Blue Valentine (2009) where you just sulk for 2 hours straight. You're a great sulker. You don't fuck with a masterpiece. And if the next news I hear is that she's in a remake of Eyes Wide Shut (1999) opposite Liam Hemsworth, I'm definitely shooting the messenger that time.

Memories of how it used to be below: 

The Skinny Bitch Appeal

go get 'em, skinny bitch.

You can probably see where I'm going to go with this. As you know, Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) gets released in a couple of days (June 1st to be exact) and the richest woman in Hollywood, that's right, Kristen Stewart stars as the titular character. They've done everything to market this film to us like, oh this ain't your mama's Disney Snow White, we're going to take Bella Swan and put her in some type of medieval knight costume, and give her a loose, hippie, french-braid. It's brilliant, because she's basically shapeless as it is, let's accentuate her face and make her into a lipsticked, pouty, version of Joan of Arc.

Next to her we'll put amazon Charlize Theron who's breaching 40 and still has the body of a supermodel in her early 20's/late teens, and because it's a fantasy, all these tweens coming to see the film are not going to leave with any body issues whatsoever because it's not like the premise is realistic in any way. 

Now sure, this is in the face of such pop-culture icons like Joan Holloway on Mad Men who actually sparked a trend of a whole different kind of body issues entitled 'my tits aren't big enough'. But you have to admit the skinny bitches are winning. Look at tabloid fixture and professional do-nothing Kate Middleton. She's dropped 2 dress sizes since her wedding, and her wedding dress didn't look bigger than a 2 already so that makes her a size zero, and people are praising that saying she looks like a model when all it does is make her brachycephalic leathery pug-face more apparent. Don't forget, she's gotta get pregnant soon, I mean, that's kind of her job, and right now she's looking like she has trouble holding the weight of her own teeth in her head, I don't know how she's planning on holding a growing fetus. 

Voluptuous actress Katherine Heigl gets the all too familiar photoshop treatment for her shoot in Marie Claire, when honestly what exactly is wrong with the original photo? No need to make her look like Malibu Barbie.

And then there's the incredible disappearing Angelina Jolie who looks like she was literally just liberated out of a work camp, showing off her disgusting bony legs at the Oscars like that's acceptable now. Speaking of the Oscars, we have stick figure Michelle Williams 'complaining' that she couldn't put on enough weight to properly resemble Marilyn Monroe so she had to wear padding. You poor unfortunate soul. I know, it's really hard to gain weight. Please go fuck yourself. 

I had no idea Marilyn Monroe suffered from an eating disorder. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

But back to Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) I'm really over this whole androgyny is sexy thing. It is when a man is androgynous (case and point - Jonathan Rhys Meyers) but it just doesn't seem to work the other way around unless you're Tilda Swinton, and you Ms. Stewart are far from being Tilda Swinton, even though we can see that you're really trying with your awful fashion decisions, and excessive shyness. Get an Academy Award nomination under your belt and then we'll talk.