Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Let's Talk About Bill Cosby

Polanski at the height of his success
With the giant clusterfucks of the current administration's agenda against women of constant shit and malice hitting us in the face like a curve balls at …I don't know what constitutes fast in baseball, whatever. I wanted to bring this subject up because among all of the Trump news to which I have almost become immune, almost (I mean, its great material for my non-existent comedy career). Alas, we've all recently heard among the Trump babble that the jury is in a deadlock about the verdict against Bill Cosby. A deadlock is not the best use of that word but at least they didn't call it a hung jury …Am I right? Ok! Enough puns. 
If you're not up to date because you've made a nice home for yourself under a rock, let me enlighten you. After a woman's accusation came out that Cosby had sexually assaulted and raped her, it was about 10 or so years old. Now, in the state of California that is still within the statute of limitations so he can still be prosecuted for it. After this very courageous woman finally spoke up, it seemed like every other woman in the greater Los Angeles area came out all with the same disturbing story. 50 to be exact. I mean, it boggles the mind. 50 women are accusing Cosby, and what really sticks in my craw is that these women will never be vindicated. They will never see justice. He's not going to stand trail for those 50 as he should considering none of them had the courage to speak up, which is totally understandable. What's the word of a lowly ingenue against one of the biggest celebrities of that era? If this teaches us anything, and knowing about rape statistics, the most important and best thing a woman can do if she is victimized is speak up. You would think that a comic as successful as Cosby doesn't have to drug and rape girls. Who knows, was it titillating? Was it amusing? At least we know that to a sane person it's sick and wrong, and according to the police an egregious violation on too many women to even wrap your mind around.
Now, I'd like to talk about a paradox of conscience that I've dealt with for a while. It's interesting that no one has yet compared this scandal to the Polanski scandal of the 1970's. Here's some backstory on that; Roman Polanski was and is a brilliant filmmaker from Poland who lost both parents in the Holocaust as a kid. He made a name for himself as an auteur in Europe, moved to Hollywood and after Rosemary's Baby, he was THE Roman Polanski. He was married to the beautiful and wonderful Sharon Tate for a little less than a year until she and others at her house were brutally murdered by the Manson family while Roman was in London. His life changed forever, I mean of course it would. It should be added she was 8 1/2 months pregnant with their child at the time. 
A few years later, when he decided not to give into grief but to survive and to keep going as an artist he made arguably his best film; Chinatown. Around this time, he started dating very young girls. He's European, they were European, I'm sure there was some legality there. Then, one night at Jack Nicholson's house, he was taking photographs of a 13 year old girl named Samantha Gailey, and according to public record, he proceeded to give her champagne and quaaludes to knock her out (sound familiar?), then sodomized and raped her. 
Because of a really long story about what happened to the system of justice in this particular case, even though he had admitted culpability and guilt, he fled to France. To this day he is not allowed in the United States. The crisis comes from the fact that as a film lover, I without any pretense, faux intellect, or politics, really admire and respect him as a filmmaker. He is actually one of my favorites, and given what he had survived in his life, is it time to forgive him? Should we have forgiven him before? Surprisingly most people did. Except the police. I will never in my life advocate what he did. I have had to separate the person from the crime like a family member would.

Cosby at the height of his success
However, there's a sense of betrayal with Cosby that I cannot come to terms with. I grew up on The Cosby Show, and he really was America's dad. Not only that, he was so wholesome, and so iconic, realizing what he had done was such a blow to me that I don't think I have any forgiveness for him. As a woman, it makes my skin crawl. What I think bothers me the most is that he thought he could go on and on and get away with it, but now he's learning that no one is above the law. I just have no mercy for him. Why his case is different to me than the Polanski case is a total mystery. I do not think of Polanski as a victim. Although the European press would argue that. There is a very interesting documentary that I will link that expresses how he became two different people to two different sets of press; The European press saw him as this wholly tragic figure who survived the gassing of his mother, the murder of his wife, and maintained his voice against the Hollywood machine, while the American press saw him as this malignant twisted dwarf who dabbled in Satanism (untrue btw), was highly controversial, and just the perfect villain.
13-year-old Samantha Gailey, Polanski's victim. 
And yet, Cosby would be the last person to understand as a villain. So many of us, particularly women, have difficulty coming to terms with that. He brought happiness to so many homes on TV night, broke race barriers in comedy, did a great deal for Civil Rights as well. And yet, his epic downfall is what his legacy will be, it is not tainted. It is forever tarnished. 
I think the moment where I truly felt guttural hate for this man is when someone not exactly known for being of sound mind or for telling the truth; Janice Dickinson was interviewed about her experience with him as a young model. She said her piece, but the camera man failed at his job and forgot to turn off the tape. You can see that she started weeping in a way I never want to see a woman weep. Sexual assault is no joke, and having to hold it in because of intimidation from Cosby is even more disturbing and disgusting. 
Back to Polanski, I would blanket statement this whole thing and say that of course circumstances aside it is never ok, and we all know this. What is it about a person that you can eventually forgive and one that is unforgivable. When Polanski received his Best Director Oscar for The Pianist in 2002, every single member in the Dolby Theater stood up and clapped their asses off. Is it time? I doubt it. It's ironic that a man like Polanski who made films that were really amazing and that's about it, is more forgivable than Cosby who brought us so much joy when we were children. But perhaps that's why we hate him more. And you know what? We should. There will always be an asterisk next to both of their names, and actually perhaps Cosby's name will be erased from TV history so that there isn't a giant splotch on their repertoire.

How the world will now remember Cosby. 'Shame' should be written on his lapel like a scarlet letter. 
Ironically for Cosby, Hollywood is a very forgiving city. Hugh Grant, Mel Gibson, fucking Tara Reid, I mean c'mon. But in this age where women feel that their rights are being peeled apart like an orange, he is not a martyr. He is the shining example of what happens when power in Hollywood goes unchecked. We've talked about what's most infuriating and for lack of a better word defiling about this whole case is that it took one woman to speak up to make a whole army of them who felt so little next to the great and powerful Cosby to speak up and lived in silence for YEARS. I really do hope he gets his comeuppance. If not in court, the certainly in the court of public opinion. Why? Because I'm a woman. We will always be intimidated by figures like that who have more power, more money, more everything to fear people into speaking up. But since Obama had put sexual violence on the map, and really made it a forthright issue, its time to say I don't give a fuck who you are. You're a monster, and that's all I see.

Below is the trailer for the film I had mentioned earlier. It's called Wanted and Desired. Don't bother with Netflix the full thing is on Youtube, it is a must-see.


Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I'm THAT Jew...

No preface, just inspired by the 'I'm That Jew' slam poetry super cut. As OITNB's Cindy said 'It feels good to be chosen'. PS. I omitted iconic members of my tribe like Spielberg, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jonah Hill, etc. I just don't have that much time. Pouring out a glass of Manischewitz for my homies...

That Tattoo'd and Can't Be Buried in a Jewish Cemetery Jew...

Adam Levine
The My Mother is Jewish Therefore I'm Jewish Jew...

James Franco
That Really Annoying Giggly Jew...

Natalie Portman 
That Hotter Beyond All Reason Jew...

Mila Kunis
That Bad Boy Jew...

Sean Penn
That Original Bad Boy Jew...

Robert Downey Jr. 
That Giggles and Ha-Ha's Jew...

Andy Samberg
That Still Funny After All This Time Jew...

David Schwimmer (Pivot!)
That Uber Nerd Jew...

Jesse Eisenberg
That Head of a Reality TV Empire Jew...

Andy Cohen
That All Too Jewish Looking Jew...

Adrien Brody
That Not Jewish Looking At All Jew...

Alicia Silverstone
That Still Hot For Nearly 50 Jew...

Sarah Silverman
That Still Hot and In His 60's Jew...

Jeff Goldblum (Life uh uh...finds a way. And, you're welcome)
That British Jew...

Daniel Radcliffe
That Other British Jew...

Andrew Garfield
That Voice of a Generation Jew...

Amy Schumer
That He Grew Up Nice Jew...

Joseph Gordon-Levitt
That Gone All Too Soon Jew...

Amy Winehouse
That Hot for Four Decades Jew...

Jennifer Connelly
That Soviet Defector Russian Jew...

Sergey Brin (Holla! ...or Challah!)
That OG Hot Jew...

Dustin Hoffman
That Get Your Hands Off Him That's My Husband Jew...

Joaquin Phoenix
That Get Your Hands Off Her That's My Wife Jew...

Rashida Jones
That I Did It All For America Jew...

Evan Lysacek
That No I Will Not Quaf My Jew-Fro Jew...

Slash
That Hug It Out Bitch Jew...

Jeremy Piven
That Somewhat Menacing Jew...

Jake Gylenhaal
That One Jew to Rule Them All Jew...


That Reason For Your Sexual Awakening Jew...


The My Mom Made Me Include Him On This List Jew...

Seth Rogen

That Seth Rogen's Best Friend and Perfect Jew Jew...

Jason Segel

Below the video I was talking about...

And then some other stuff. L'Chaim!





Monday, June 22, 2015

Matthias...Say It Loud and There's Music Playing

Well, hello there. 
Congrats ladies, there’s a new foreign piece of man candy to obsess over with a rugged stubble and an accent to die for. Move over Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba, and Mads Mikklesen, there’s a new brooding foreign boy in town, with the piercing eyes of the cover-boy of a harlequin romance novel, the street-tough mannerisms of the angriest FIFA player on the losing team of the last game and the tenderness of a Euro-hunk can express just with his eyes. Woah, my bra just snapped open.

Also...Hai.
I speak to you now of a man so hot, his name is literally unpronounceable, because if you could just say it, it would be a Beetlejuice kind of scenario; the heavens would clash, the sky would grow dark, Avril Lavigne’s face would appear as A GIANT APPARITION CRYING TEARS OF BLOOD AND SHE’D RECITE THE GOOD WILL HUNTING SCREENPLAY AND DARKNESS WOULD COVER THE LAND UNTIL THE END OF TIME. Ok I went too far didn’t I? I’m speaking to you now of the little known-about to be as huge as my black eye-liner collection star of films like Rust and Bone, Bullhead, and the upcoming: A Little Chaos opposite Kate Winslet? Haven’t figured it out yet or at least wikipedia’d it? That’s because you’re stupid. I speak to you now of…Matthias Schoenaerts (Phew, nothing happened).


Some promo art for A Little Chaos. Long hair, check, frilly shirt, check, eyes that stare into your very soul...check.
He has a well-deserved Cesar award for ‘Most Promising Hot Euro Dude’ I’m sure that’s exactly what the award translates into from French. And it's well-deserved. He’s on the cusp people; he’s about to blow up a la Cumberbatch so I’d put dibs on him like now. I would, but you know he lives in Belgium and I’m in New York, I mean that’s a bitch of a commute. But I think it would be worth it don't you?
Apparently, he also happens to speak English perfectly. But let’s hope that doesn’t work against him and make him you know, ordinary and stuff. You want your brooding mysterious European guys to stay brooding, mysterious, and European. Let’s admit it ladies, we just don’t like it when males speak. 


Because this happens to every girl every damn time (Fuck my life)
So watch out for him in period pieces coming up. (GAWD is there anything hotter?) I mean take Fassbender for example. Yes, he was unbelievable as the barely clothed ‘I like it rough’ love interest for the teenage protagonist in Fish Tank but how much more did you want him when he was running in slow motion, hair all in disarray, covered in sweat in 300? Ok bad example. But you get the idea. Ladies, we just all went men to strap on a sturdy pair of pantaloons, skip through a field of gilly flowers, take off their top hat, and bow to us; using the term ‘m’lady’ all the while. I know I just mixed about 6 time periods, but let’s admit that’s a secret fetish of ours. And soon you’ll see Matthias Schoenaerts (duck and cover!) in two films as such; A Little Chaos and Far From a Maddening Crowd. Don’t worry they don’t have him there just raking hay for the horses in the stable, jesus I can’t escape cheap sex fantasy cliché’s can I? So sue me. Anyway, he plays the chief love interest in both, and that’s just the start.
Here’s to much more to come (no pun intended…pun fully intended who are we kidding?) Trailers below.




Friday, April 25, 2014

My favorite Music Videos (No Particular Order)

Smashing Pumkins' 'Tonight, Tonight' (dir. Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris), 1996. A very literal nod to the cinematic trend in music videos that had taken over around that time by basically recreating the Melies film; A Voyage to the Moon (1902).

Red Hot Chili Peppers' 'Dani California' (dir. Tony Kaye), 2006. What a tribute to rock 'n roll trends. No snark here.

Miley Cyrus' 'Wrecking Ball' (dir. Terry Richardson), 2013. I had to...don't you dare judge me...I know I can't look at myself in the mirror either...I know Terry's awful...yes I heard about the allegations...yes all of them...No I do not excuse nor condone them...yes this video is shot beautifully.

Fiona Apple's 'Criminal' (dir. Mark Romanek), 1997. She has a wonderful been-dead-for-a-few-days look about her. Romanek later went on to direct One Hour Photo (2004).

The Verve's 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' (dir. Walter A. Stern) 1997. None of this was staged. Lead singer Richard Ashcroft was asked to purposely bump into people as hard as he could.

R.E.M's 'Losing My Religion' (dir. Tarsem Singh), 1991. A great eclectic recreation of Renaissance art, Soviet propaganda posters, and Michael Stipe's indescribable dance moves.

Lauryn Hill's 'Doo Wop (That Thing)' (dir. Big TV!) 1999. I was beyond in love with this song and this video. Can't believe she stopped making music after that.

Justin Timberlake's 'Cry Me a River' (dir. Francis Lawrence), 2002. The ultimate indictment-of-a-cheating-lover public statement ever. And it's so sexy don't we all wish we had a music video like that to our name?

FatBoy Slim's 'Praise You' (dir.  Spike Jonze), 1999. High concept, high art, really really original and hilarious stuff. We all know what Spike Jonze as the delightfully dorky and slightly unhinged filmmaker of such critical darlings as Being John Malkovich (1999), this was a first glimpse into his particular brand of self-effacing humor.

And finally...

Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' (dir. again, Francis Lawrence), 2009. Because most of my friends will have a fit if they don't find this on the list, and quite honestly it's awesome. What can I say? I'm a little monster.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Best New Show on Television. End of Story.

Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan play pioneering researchers in human sexuality, Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson.
 I had the opportunity to see the cast of 'Masters of Sex' a show which premiered on ever the envelope-pushing network; Showtime in September of 2013. Aptly named after its subject, sex doctor and pioneer extraordinaire Dr. William Masters (Michael Sheen). Sheen and his co-stars including the wild-card Lizzy Caplan, Caitlin Fitzgerald, Annaleigh Ashford, and Teddy Sears rounded out the panel at PaleyFest to talk about this naughty caprice which has won accolades, awards, and critic's praises if not the best ratings. 

Masters and Johnson pay close attention to their many experiments.
Here's the thing though, it's a story no one really knows or talks about, and one that desperately needs to be. It is ripe for dramatization, and considering the executive producers are women they definitely approached a very dangerous and taboo subject with the utmost finesse to get it past the television censors, although at this point, Showtime allows pretty much anything.
The cast talked with gusto about how much fun it was not just to play dress up but to inhabit these ferocious characters at the forefront of new discoveries when birth control was only an idea, orgasms were a myth, and the only position acceptable to any was missionary. Dr. William Masters (Sheen) and his assistant and future wife Virginia Johnson (Caplan) worked tirelessly in order to discover what this whole 'sex' thing was actually about. Particularly, what was this phenom we call the orgasm and what does it mean to...science. They would have people come to their offices and masturbate with basically the first patent dildo ever in existence, well...first vibrator, lets be fair the dildo dates back to ancient Rome. After which the study progressed to couples therapy where they utilized couples to test attraction, chemistry, and all that other crap in how it affects the sex part, you know, the part we're all waiting for and have on our minds the entire time. Basically without these two trailblazers, we would have never had the knowledge we have today. Forget the Kinsey scale, these two scientists took it way further than just 'how does this make you feel where you bathing suit covers?'. 
The real Dr. William Masters and his colleague turned wife, Virginia Johnson
And keep in mind, this was the 50's, you can only imagine how many obstacles and animosity the two had to face. But the biggest obstacle was of course; working with each other on scandalous material, watching people fuck basically everyday, and everyday talking about sex without having it with each other. Well, as I've already told you, and not given anything away because if you know the story, they did eventually get married, so I'm sure they basically...turned their own experiments on themselves, to use delicate terms. We owe all of our orgasms to them basically. They taught us not only the best means of achieving them, but why it is we need them so goddamn badly. 
A favorite patient of theirs utilizing a vibrator that they basically created. So you have that to thank them for, ladies.
The show itself is just immaculately executed (no pun intended). It has superb actors, a lot of them cast against-type and unlike shows like 'Mad Men', puts the aesthetic of the times in the background so that it can focus solely on the story. Argue all you want; the 'times' that 'Mad Men' is set in is a character on that show unto itself. I'm not saying it's better, I'm just saying the two are completely incomparable. Just because they take place in similar times does not mean they are alike in any way. This is more of a historical record peppered with light sex-comedy but mostly wildly astute about its observations regarding the sexual and cerebral relationships between men and women, men and men, women and women, everybody basically. They were able, through science to draw conclusions way ahead of their time in how sex relates to basically every primal and emotional cog in our psyche. They are about human beings and the very thing that makes us human and separates us from animals...our ability to feel, to love, and to make love to each other without the purpose of procreation, but with the intended purpose of giving and receiving pleasure. And yes, there's a lot of gratuitous sex on the show, I mean, it's in the title, so grab a box of donuts and start watching. It's respectable, reputable T.V. that you can go ahead and masturbate to. I won't judge.

Promo below (sorry I could only get a link to the youtube page for it) but seriously do some work once in a while and click below :P

Friday, October 11, 2013

Britney's Gone Proletariat...You Better Work Bitch

Still from 'Radar' almost Kate Middleton but not quite. Nice binoculars btdubs.
Britney Spears has probably never picked up a book in her life that did start with the words 'Chicken Soup For' much less read the Marx manifesto, but I'm starting to notice a strange trend in her work, and I'm wondering if it's just out of rebellion, sickness of privilege and entitlement, or she's gone full on Communist on our asses.
The trend started a few years back with the release of her single 'Radar' in 2009 off her Circus album, which was a triumph by the way. The song was a catchy weird melodic tune that alluded to someone Britney was non-chalantly pursuing because he appealed to her. The video however gave me pause. It starts out with her driving a Bentley to some English country house that rivals Downton Abbey and meeting sweater-vest wearing, shoe-shining, vanilla spoiled rich boy for a weekend in the country for some polo matches. How Madonna of her. She is dressed very appropriately for the occasion, she probably asked her wardrobe stylist to look like Kate Middleton but with a Britney flair. She sits atop a big patio and while vanilla gold-plate man tries to woo her by giving her diamonds (they are a girl's best friend), she keeps being distracted by some scruffy Josh Holloway from Lost looking guy who's gearing up for said polo match. I mean he's playing polo so he's not exactly a chimney sweep, but he don't have no mansion in the hills to entertain his lady friends. He's just a scruffy sweaty hot guy that's really good at polo. The next scene is the match itself and while Ritchie Rich is arguing about who won, scruff-daddy woo's Britney until she throws her diamond necklace (how wasteful, keep that shit, love fades things are forever) and they run away together. Ergo hottness wins over money...but you know, it's nice if the guy's got both. 

Britney dressed to the nines at the polo match but her mind is somewhere else, as she repeatedly points out.
Then I saw this trend reappear when her single 'Criminal' started climbing the charts in 2011. Also taking place in England, no idea why, she's cast opposite her then actual fiance Jason Trawick who plays a tattooed, mean-streets biker, with a gun fetish who rescues her from an uptight British bitch of a boyfriend who insists she go to parties with him and act like a damn lady. I have no idea where this came from. Jason Trawick was a former agent at WME, he's not a bad boy people, he barely has a personality, but you know what, a few fake giant tattoos, some hair growth, and that crazy six-pack he worked for made him look like he would beat the shit out of a guy for looking at you the wrong way, which he does in the video. It's a Bonnie and Clyde-themed thing, they rob convenience stores and make out, like a lot, while she sings about how she knows he's no good but she's still in love with him even though he's a...say it with me...criminal. Then they kiss in a blaze of bullets when the bobbies catch them (that's British for the po-po) but miraculously nothing hits either of them and they escape. Again, giving up a life of empty luxury to risk everything with some guy you just met who looks cool on a motorcycle. Style over substance, I get it. 
Wait a minute, he rides a Harley AND has a gun? Jackpot!
And now she's driving the point home with her newly released single; 'Work Bitch' (September 16th, 2013), fuck the video (which is ridiculous and totally under-budget for someone like her). The lyrics say it all; 'You want a hot body? Want a Bugatti? Want a Maserati? You better work bitch'. Yes, those are all superficial things that I want more than anything, seriously someone buy me a fucking Maserati, but still she's saying that nothing comes easy, even 'parties in France' and you have to work for what you want, and every time I drive through Beverly Hills I have to remind myself of that to keep from crying. I'm sure it's got something to do with the fact that she almost lost everything and is kind of poking fun at that. She lost things that were of actual importance to people like custody of her children, so she's being somewhat ironic, either that or I'm giving her too much credit here, but I think she's smart enough...yes I did just fucking say that. So basically driving the point home, Britney is telling us that this lifestyle that we all want (didn't you watch The Bling Ring (2013)) Oh you didn't? Yeah no one did) Anyway, this lifestyle ain't all it's cracked up to be. And the important things in life you have to work for...also scruffy guys on motorcycles are way hotter than a man who has everything except an interesting personality and a living soul. 

Below the videos for the aforementioned singles. See if you can point out the similarities. It's like Britney homework. Which is the best kind.