Not to blow my own horn or anything, but I do know quite a bit about fashion, so please trust that I know what I'm talking about here and stop listening to Kelly Osbourne. There were some serious winners and losers, and for me, there are a lot of things people got wrong. Here are my two cents. And as always, please take them as the holy gospel.
Well start with the BEST:
Aubrey Plaza in Marios Schwab. Yes, this is on my BEST DRESSED list, in fact it tops it. For all you haters out there, not only is Aubrey a quirky girl, but this dress is unique and mature and a huge fashion risk. I admire a risk taker, though the accessories are weird I'll give you that. It reminds me of that black and lace Alexander McQueen number Gwyneth Paltrow wore to the Oscars in 2000. Only difference is she couldn't even pull off a McQueen with the perfect body she has, but Aubrey with this pseudo-goth look is showing a grown up side of her querk. Bravo lady, I stand with you.
Sarah Hyland in Carolina Herrera. Talk about all grown up. Ironically Carolina Herrera is usually the go-to designer for Hyand's co-star on Modern Family (Sofia Vergara) but with the dark lipstick and the black lace, she's channeling a somewhat Deco darker side of the designer that Sophia would never dare to venture. Good job girlfriend.
Kerry Washington in Marchesa. Marchesa looks wonderful on everybody. She's kind of like the safety net of fashion on the red carpet. I love Scandal and I love Kerry Washington on it. I mean it's like clothes were basically sewn unto her. She usually looks fabulous in anything, and though a bit too floral, she pulls this one off. She looks radiant.
Linda Cardellini in Donna Karan. It's hard to forget Sarah Marshall in this. This fucia Donna Karan is above and beyond and yet it's subtle. It reminds me of that crazy Marchesa gown that Vera Farmiga wore to the Oscars when Up in the Air (2009) was nominated but a much more grown up, aesthetically complex and pleasing to the eye.
Taylor Schilling in Thakoon. I've personally never heard of this designer but the empire waste, high front slit, and simplicity of the gown all work very well accented by minimalist gold jewelery. I'll say it again, blondes look great in white. What more is there?
Kaley Cuoco in Vera Wang. Vera Wang usually does not do such complex numbers nor have I ever seen her do boning for a corset but this beet red gown is just so classy without being burlesque or desperate for attention, I have to give her major props. I love that she decided to minimalize the accessories as well because the dress stands perfectly on its own.
Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang. I tire of red dresses that match the red carpet and am way tired of mermaid dresses as well, not to mention I don't particularly like Sofia Vergara, but she ends up on my best dressed lists all the time...like all of them. You know why? Because she knows what looks good on her, has a body that won't quit, and makes it work bitches.
Zooey Deschanel in J. Mendel. Yay! J. Mendel made it to the red carpet! Yay! Zooey isn't wearing poofy tutu dresses anymore! Yay! She looks mature and amazing in a silvery light blue silk gown! Yay! She looks like the grown up woman that she is! Yay! The world is a better place.
Now on to the fun stuff...it's time for the hideous monstrosities that made my eyes water and my belly ache with disappointment and nausea. Yes, it's time for the WORST.
Lena Dunham in Prada. Did you really think I would ignore this or not start there. What the fuck is this thing? It looks like a giant version of something in Zooey's closet from 5 years ago. Prada made this? Are you serious? And then they put it on slouchy Lena Dunham? Who's running the ship over there because it's about to hit some serious rocks. It looks like a table-cloth from the 50's. It's unflattering. It's beyond poorly tailored. It hurts me to even keep going on about it. So I'm stopping.
Heidi Klum in Versace. Heidi, you're a professional model, you're the executive producer of Project Runway. What the fuck are you thinking? You look like a wardrobe reject from Luc Besson's The Fifth Element (1997), This metallic, sequined, blood-red, fake-collared gown looks like it belongs in one of the Underworld sequels.
Amanda Peet in Erdem. Oh dear god what happened here? Did two dress cousins have the worst sex ever and give birth to a retarded dress that Amanda Peet totally thought was chic under the influence of ambien and vodka. There's no logic to this dress, so why try to find logic in her reason for Amanda giving herself the worst make-under I've ever seen, on purpose!
Zosia Mamet in Honor. This could be the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Grey and pink? Seriously? And what's with the leather mini-bra just taped on to the middle? This dress is too much of a mess for me to even know where to begin. It's a crime against humanity. But then again, so is her show.
Julianne Hough in Jenny Packham. A see-through dress that makes you look like you're wearing your granny panties on laundry day coupled with an off-the-shoulder look? Epic fail.
Claire Danes in Armani. This might be the best of the worst. It's just the wrong dress. On someone as fair-skinned as her, it looks ridiculous, also it looks bulky and it's way too low cut. I'm not to excited about the trimming either. Bad choice, but not the worst choice.
Anna Faris in Monique Lhuillier. Usually one of my favorite designers, but this dress has gone ape shit. It's far too prom night, and the mustard yellow color looks like something that glows under a black light. Coupled with retro Bettie Page bangs and a far too high of a slit, this was a disaster. My eyes hurt.
Jessica Paré in Oscar de la Renta. Oscar de la Renta is an artist among designers. He is a true innovator but this Tiffany's blue number is just not doing it for me. The shoes are all wrong, the top makes her look like she has no chest to speak of, and the front of the dress should not be higher than the back. Me no likey.
Betsey Brandt in what might have been the worst look of the night. I have no idea who designed this dress, quite frankly I'm convinced she picked it up at a Ross on the way to the awards because it is beyond hideous. The color washes her out, it's far from being age appropriate and makes her look like a stepford wife. Also, what the hell is up with the bouffant hairdo? It's just a mess all the way around.
Lena Headley in Alessandra Rich. This bitch keeps making my Worst dressed list all the time, keep at it girl, you're not getting any better. And she's an intelligent, refined woman, what is she thinking every time her stylist gives her advice? A high-slit see-through dress with nothing but what looks like black spanx to cover up your nether-regions? And white shoes? You look like you're dressing up as a dominatrix to a Halloween party thrown by Frat boys.
Also before we end this, I would just like to express my disdain that not one celebrity rocked a Zuhair Murad this season. He's the hottest designer on the planet right now, and being dressed by him is an honor. I can't believe it's been since J-Lo at last years Oscars that we've seen him on the red carpet. No fair.
Kink has come a long way...the first of many puns in this blog post.
Have we ever taken a turn for the masochistic of late. And I love it. Usually it required one locking up all doors and windows and ordering a channel only your most perverted friends had even heard of or going to a dingy warehouse with ziploc sandwich bags tied around your hands to pick out the right ball-gag which you would then proceed to lock in a steel safe in your basement until all of your neighbors were all away on a groupon cruise to the Mediterranean. Now you walk into a Walmart or a Von's and first thing on the shelf in front of you are copies of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Right next to it? Furry handcuffs.
Now,
kink is manifest in the more sophisticated class, with better
engineered instruments and a general polished, nuanced aesthetic that
appeals to more of a general public rather than just a cult fad.
Polo gear stores are struggling to keep riding crops on their shelves and the elderly ma & pa-type owners can't understand why they are selling those dang riding crops and nothing else. Here's a hint, it's not for polo tournaments, grandad.
And now Hollywood is getting in on all of the sado-masochistic action and popping that last taboo right into our 'vanilla' consciousness (no pun intended). Sundance premiered a film back in January called Compliance (2012), which for months was the talk of the town, and is slated for limited release this August. It stars Dreama Walker from Don't Trust the B---- in Apt 23 fame. It concerns a lowly fast-food employee around 19, who is tricked into some kind of sick masochistic scheme wherein her coworkers are coerced by an anonymous presence over the phone claiming to be the police to strip search her, and make her do generally degrading sexual acts all under the guise that she is guilty of stealing money from another co-worker.
Dreama Walker in Compliance (2012) one of the most highly anticipated films of the year.
There's no question about it, the biggest 'It' thing is BDSM, and everyone is trying their hand at it. 20/20 recently did a retrospective on how marriages were saved by 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Couples started trying kink in the bedroom and it brought back all the heat, and made everyone pregnant. That's right, there's apparently a new baby boom looming and we have one person to thank for that; E. L. James, who took Twilight fanfiction and not only made it the highest selling book of all time, but generated a serious pop-culture fad that looks like it's going to stick around for a while...again, no pun intended.
Sexual trends have always carried significant weight in pop-culture, but then usually receded back into the norm, or what E. L. James describes as 'vanilla sex'; you know that boring kind of sex where you're in missionary just staring at each other, wondering if you want pasta or chicken for dinner, looking at the dog and mutually rolling your eyes, and counting down the seconds before you can start faking an orgasm. Kink has been around forever and the day. When I was 20, I went to the Red Vic in the Haight district in San Francisco to watch a series called The Good Old Naughty Days.
This retrospective even has its own wikipedia page check it out.
It was 10 or so 'blue films'. For those of you not in the know, a 'blue film' is what people used to call pornography, they also called them 'stag films'. Anyway these films were probably dirtier than anything I've seen with starring Sasha Grey these days. They had to do with things like nuns, plates, people on leashes, and so on and so forth. Did I mention these films were from 1895 - 1911? I didn't? Well that's rather important. People were basically making pornographic films for as long as people had been making films. That's right, while the
Georges Méliès was shooting A Trip to the Moon (1902), there were people shooting two women dressed as nuns licking each others nipples.
A still from one of the films in The Good Old Naughty Days series. These films were initially intended to be seen in French brothels as costumers waited for their prostitutes to get ready.
Kink kind of stayed in the background as American culture grew more mundane and compliant (no more puns intended!), but had a huge resurgence with the influx of fetish magazines in the 40's and Bettie Page who reinvented fetish culture particularly accessory fetishes like leather boots, lace-ups, stilettos, dark make-up, fishnet stalkings, and vinyl underwear.
Bettie Page in Teaser Girl in High Heels (1950) a cult short wearing her now infamous fetish gear.
In the 60's, the big thing was wife-swapping and orgies. Films were made about that as well such as Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice (1969) starring Elliot Gould (I know, gross), Natalie Wood, and Diane Cannon. And now, it just so happens that the new fad in sex is to be tied down to a four-box bed and being whipped within an inch of your life...and liking it.
All Hollywood has to do now is catch up. Compliance (2012) is a gritty independent drama about sexual innocence lost through senseless and reckless violence, but with casting of Christian Grey being the hottest topic of conversation on the interwebs, and directors like Cronenberg still working with those themes, this might be the sex fad that's here to stay.
Cronenberg, who was always at the vanguard of strange sex, (which by the way is also the name of a hotly rated TV show at the moment), has released two films in the last two years about that very topic. One about spank-happy Sabina Spielrein, a pupil and sexual partner of Carl Jung, played immeasurably badly by Kiera Knightly - A Dangerous Method (2011). The other is the highly anticipated Cosmopolis (2012) about a billionaire playboy who has a lot of kinky sex in his limo while the world destroys itself around him, starring Robert Pattinson, the influence for the character of Christian Grey in the E. L. James series. How appropriate.
Still from Cronenberg's Cosmopolis (2012) which could be directly out of 'Fifty Shades of Grey' as far as I'm concerned. Robert Pattinson with Sarah Gadon, two people that could not be better cast as Christian and Anastasia respectively.
No longer is BDSM something only porn producers have to worry about. It's taken over basically all media outlets. From television to films, to the ads in Vogue to literature. If you're still thinking about writing the great American novel or re-booting the tale of Snow-White, maybe it's time to turn off the life-support and get with the times. The general consensus seems to be: Tie me up, America.
