Of course they are all going to be female, and I could really only pick 5 before it became redundant. I know that one of them is a TV movie character, but still. Also, 2 are based on actual people but honestly I don't give a shit. Also I had to choose from contemporary films because it's just a bit weird to say that I relate to Liv Ullman from Persona or Gena Rowlands from Woman Under the Influence (which I do, but both of those concepts are dated and I wanted something that would also be relatable to my readers. You're welcome :)
Julie Powell (played by Amy Adams) in Julie and Julia (2008). On the cusp of 30 and terrified about it, working as a mid-level nobody in a cubicle with nothing to show for her last 29 years except a tiny kitchen apartment in Queens and a loving orange cat, this New Yorker at a crossroads who was such an admired writer in college only no more, decides to change her life by cooking her way through Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking, not devoid of regular meltdowns and panic attacks. In the end, changing her life. As she says in the film 'I was drowning and Julia pulled me out of the ocean.' To which her husband quips; 'Don't get carried away.' Yet another problem I have. Also the obvious parallel that we're both bloggers, if you missed that you're really thick.
Susannah Kaysen (played by Winona Ryder) in Girl, Interrupted (1999). The chain smoking, sarcastic before sarcasm was a thing, Susannah just doesn't seem like she belongs anywhere or cares about anything, but it's actually the opposite. She probably cares too much and her heart is too big for normal people, all the while her biggest life goal is 'not to end up like her mother' (no offense mom). She sees life as a giant version of the myth of Sisyphus and herself as the one cursed to roll a boulder up a hill only to see it fall down again and repeat for all eternity, and no where else does life feel like that than in LA. Another writer too.
Harper Pitt (played by Mary-Louise Parker) in Angels in America (2003). The borderline insane wife of a closeted law clerk, Harper constantly seeks life elsewhere...in her mind with the help of copious amounts of valium in 'wee fistfulls'. Not to say I'm a pill popper, but I am a notorious day dreamer, where my fantasy life is far more interesting than my life at hand. I don't have a 'Mr. Lies' (played by Jeffrey Wright) to fly me around to Antarctica, but I'm in constant limbo between the banality of my ordinary life, and the spectacularity of my fantasty life.
Jasmine (played by Cate Blanchett) in Blue Jasmine (2013). Who didn't relate to Jasmine? I mean that's why she won the Oscar isn't it. We all have a bit of Jasmine in us, in that we may snap at any moment because we as women are delicate beings and if one doesn't handle with care, we can self destruct if all we've done is put our faith in others rather than ourselves to take care of us. Jasmine is devastatingly flawed. The only thing being more devastating is that she doesn't lose hope until the very very end, and even then perhaps not, that she can reinvent herself and change her life for the better despite the cards she's been dealt. The ending shows you that continuing to have hope even in the face of the most hopeless of circumstances is the craziest thing a woman could do.
Kirsten Dunst as Justine in Melancholia (2011). It's very simple really, though Justine doesn't say much, her actions explain everything about what kind of woman she is, whether it is bathing nude in the blinding light of melancholia or laying motionless face up in a river, Justine is a rare breed of human. She is uncomfortable in fact traumatized by otherwise happy events like her own wedding, and can't stand being near anyone who seems to antagonize her. But in the face of a literal apocalypse she is able to be the source of comfort and unwavering strength to anyone who needs her. In an actual disaster, she would be the bastion of strength because she's aware that there's nothing left but that to do.
A Bradley Cooper that's a professional chef? Where do I sign up?
I've been starved for a good show to watch, I've basically seen everything. And I'm glad Orange Is the New Black (2013 - ) has come out, but I've only watched one episode thus far so I can't blog about it yet, but that's probably the next one I'll do. Hulu just released a show that was cancelled criminally after only one season based on Anthony Bourdain's incendiary bestselling memoir 'Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly' (published in 2000) where the unapologetic bad-ass celebrity chef talks about his times working in upscale restaurants in New York and misbehaving in the most ridiculous fashion. He was basically the Keith Richards of the kitchen, snorting blow and drinking liters of vodka whilst cooking some of the best haute cuisine that city has ever seen.
Cover of the book the show is based on.
Anthony Bourdain, doing what he does best.
Fox in all of it's wisdom (meant to be read with sarcasm) decided to make a PG version of the book with Bradley Cooper as the titular character, much like what Fellini used to do with Marcello Mastroianni playing a character aptly named Jack Bourdain who is now over a year sober and has been hired on a 'suicide mission' to revamp a Bowery hotspot named Nolita with no staff and 24 hours before opening night.
He assembles his old mates from the good old days promising all kinds of shit that never comes to fruition, but it's his dream team, and he's the best in the business so in the words of Tim Gunn, it's time to 'make it work'.
Butch, Sundance, and the pastry chef that wears a bandana.
Cooper is brilliant and hilarious as the enlightened and sober Bourdain (who in real life as we all know didn't remain sober, well for the most part) trying his best to serve the best and most creative dishes to his picky customers whilst dealing with a crabby waitstaff, and incompetent hostess, and every example of Murphy's Law falling on his head every morning.
He's still the lady's man, almost to the point of being a nympho and can you blame him? He's extraordinarily hot, and the man can grill a salmon like nobody's business. That's a winning combination right there.
The cast.
The show is called (of course) Kitchen Confidential, and ran from 2005 to 2006 before being cancelled but I was overjoyed when Hulu bought the rights to it because it definitely deserves to be seen. It features a stellar cast; Nicholas Brendon from Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame, John Francis Daly from Freaks and Geeks fame, John Cho from Star Trek (the new franchise) fame, and Bonnie Summerville from her tiny stint as Ross' girlfriend Mona from Friends (1994-2004). Also, Jamie King is there for masturbation fodder so it's a winning combination.
It's a good ol' dirty shitshow, with the laughs to back it up and the most unseemly behavior, everyone is constantly horny and/or doing it with each other. And Jack (Cooper) is the most gung-ho about it all, just as long as his patrons and his boss (Frank Langella) are happy with his impeccable talents as a chef.
Shit just got weird.
One of my favorite characters is Owain Yeoman as Steven Daedalus the Sous. An immigrant from jolly old England, he's a high-functioning sociopath that frequently drinks on the job, hits on anything with legs, and has some of the best one-liners I've heard in TV pretty much ever. He and Bradley Cooper make a great Butch and Sundance (which they refer to themselves as) and perk up the show just a few notches to where it's actually a pleasure to watch.
The rest is pretty predictable for a half hour sitcom; hijinks ensues, trouble brews, tension between the floor and the kitchen reach boiling points constantly and everybody gets laid. I'd work there in a heart beat. So I'm giving this one a solid recommendation. The whole series is available online. Go for it, then go eat some seared sesame crusted tuna...you'll get the joke once you've watched the show. Is that enough of an incentive?
It's no secret, I love watching films about food. I love to watch people prepare food, I love close ups of food, I love it all, why the hell do you think I sit through Gordon Ramsay yelling the tar out of some poor soul on Hell's Kitchen? So I can get to the part where they finally bring an immaculate medium rare lamb loin to the hot plate.
If you're on Hulu nearly as much as I am, you'll notice they've basically bought up the entire Criterion collection, so all that savings money you were going to use towards it whenever Barnes and Noble has a sale is totally inadequate now. Anyway, last night I watched a pretty boring film, save for the last scene. It's a Danish film (yes I've been watching a lot of Danish films lately, shoot me) from 1987 called Babette's Feast.
Babette's guests would be criminal not to enjoy what she serves them.
It's about two Danish sisters that live in a remote impoverished town of devotees to the lord. They for some reason have a French maid, and yes this is before the slutty French maid aesthetic. It's a woman named Babette (Stephan Audran) who escaped the Napoleonic wars to the mercy of these two sisters and works for them for free. She keeps a friend in France that plays the lottery for her regularly, and finally she ends up winning 10,000 francs. She decides that to celebrate, and also honor the memory of the sisters' father who was the town pastor, she would like to cook everyone in the town (all 12 of them) an exquisite French feast. Unbeknownst to everyone, she was the head chef at one of the most posh restaurants in France. She insists on paying for it herself, and the town folk get nervous. They only eat pious things like bread soup, and refuse to take pleasure in any worldly indulgences such as fine French food. Sounding familiar by now? That's because I'm more than sure that this was the basis for the plot of Chocolat (2000) with Juliette Binoche.
Juliette Binoche presents her nipples of Venus, aside from the cheeky name we all know that chocolate is one of the main aphrodisiacs.
It's almost sublime to watch her make fresh turtle soup, then belinis with caviar and sour cream, after which stuffing quails with foie gras and black truffles before putting them inside puff pastry, I mean I nearly lost it. Then, there was an endive salad and a cheese course before a delicate French pastry was served and everyone in the town secretly convinced that this indeed was a higher pleasure than the lord's love. I should mention it was all served with different versions of the best French wine, I mean you'd definitely have to be dead inside not to have your mouth watering right now.
Quail in puff pastry. I just lost my mind.
If photographed well this will serve (no pun intended) just as well if not better than any porn on the internet right now. Why do you think I watch Julie and Julia (2009) to the point where I can recite it verbatim. Anyway, watch the film, and I have an application to Paris' Le Cordon Bleu academy to get cracking on.
Aside from a football uniform, Scott Caan's basic wardrobe was his birthday suit and a cowboy hat to cover up his junk. In this scene, Tweeder steals a cop car and picks up a bunch of horny sophomores trying to help out his bro Mox (Beek) by trying to get him to join in the fun, how did I miss this in High School?
I was hanging out with a friend yesterday and we were trying to find something to watch on Netflix Instant. Lo and behold, one of their 'new releases' is that football sex teen drama from the 90's Varsity Blues (1999) Starring everyone's favorite Dawson, James 'The Beeks' Van Der Beek. It's one of those quintessential 90's teen films, and one of the first categorical 'MTV movies' to put style over substance, and create basically a 2-hour long music video out of a dismal unrealistic plot. But for chrissake is it fun to watch.
The Beeks plays a young intellectual in the making Johnny Moxon who just happens to live in bumblefuck no-where, Texas and is pressured into a life that revolves around high school football games and Nuremberg Rally type upheaval over them. I really enjoy his V.O.'s throughout the film because I hate subtlety. In them he explains how in a small town in the Deep South, football is akin to fanatical religion and it's hard to speak out against it because everyone is always pressuring you to win and be the best.
Lots of bro-love in this movie.
Because he is the only one with more than two brain cells knocking against each other upstairs, he can't really maintain sympathy from his circle of friends which include All-State, star quarterback, blonde Greek god-like dumbfuck Lance Harbor (Paul Walker), hornier than shit wide-receiver (no pun intended) Charlie Tweeder (Scott Caan), and fatter than shit missing link Billy Bob (Ron Lester), also there's the token black guy who's name we don't learn until the last 10 minutes of the film, way to check all the 90's teen cliche boxes, Varsity Blues (1999).
But even though the women in this film are all supporting players they steal the movie whole-sale. Even if you never snuck into a screening of it when it first came out as a teenager, you still remember one scene out of that film if nothing else; I don't even know why I have to tell you that it's the 'whipped cream scene'. Even when I say 'whipped cream scene' you can guess which film I'm talking about. It was such a landmark of the 90's, it's basically the OJ Simpson trial, Dolly the sheep, and the whipped cream scene from Varsity Blues (1999).
The most famous scene of the 90's.
Aside from a plot point being that everyone's Sex Ed teacher is actually a nasty, nasty stripper (oh the irony!), there's of course the storyline of Lance's girlfriend Darcy. Darcy (Ali Larter) tries to seduce Mox after her boyfriend Lance almost dies on the field with a knee injury so that she can still superglue herself to a man that's 'going places' and doesn't end up turning tricks at the truck stop. The way she does this is strip naked and put whipped cream on her lady parts. A feat that actually doesn't end up working but made for one hell of a celluloid moment. I can't tell you how I know this, but whipped cream doesn't actually work in that kind of situation, and even the filmmakers later admitted that they used shaving cream combined with mousse to create the makeshift bikini but that doesn't sound nearly as sexy, in fact it sounds poisonous.
Ali Larter was one of the few that ended up keeping her career after her adventures in dessert toppings. If you think about it, not many more survived MTV films of that era. I mean, Paul Walker has all of the Fast and Furious films but that's something I don't think you EVER put on your resume, 625 million at the box office or no 625 million at the box office.
All in all, the film is quite exclusively shit, but it did teach me a few things. 1. Sports always looks more interesting when there's Foo Fighters playing. 2. What tight end does (again, no pun intended) 3. When in doubt, whipped cream bikini. If you want the man of your dreams, whipped cream bikini. If you are little more than a gimmick, whipped cream bikini. If you don't have a script and need filler, whipped cream bikini. If close to death from malnutrition and all you have left in your refrigerator is whipped cream, whipped cream bikini. 4. Scott Caan has a really nice ass. So for those life lessons and more, thank you, Varsity Blues.
Below, some clips. Catch it on Instant. It's not Braveheart (which is also recently on Instant) but it's catchy in that special stupid way, and there's naked people in it. Also, really good 90's-aesthetic steady-cam sport montages to popular music.
Chef Fabio Viviani explains the difference between medium rare and medium to dumb bitches on Real Housewives of Orange County
I was watching The Lost Footage special for the Real Housewives of Orange County (don't you dare judge me. I will cut you, I don't care) and they touched upon newest housewife Heather Dubrow's grand plans of opening her own restaurant. (This is why shit like this only makes it to the Lost Footage specials and not to prime time basic cable). I would imagine the food is pretentious comma garlicy with a hint of righteous indignation and harkening back to nouvelle cuisine's principals of tiny portions so that it can appear enticing and worth the money, but actually doesn't taste like anything and there's never enough of it. But then she mentioned the name of her head chef; Fabio Viviani, and all was good in Reality television world again. Fabio Viviani is this insanely successful Italian chef de cuisine, who is known for his use of fresh organic ingredients and mastery of complex techniques in gastronomy. Oh and did I mention he's hot as shit?
Here's the thing, fellas. There is NOTHING a woman finds sexier than a man who cooks, aside from a man with a good personality of course (I couldn't even type the second part of that sentence without laughing). Anyway, whereas being able to put together Spaghetti Bolognese used to be a feat deserving of a girl's best try-hard sex, television is proving to us that men seriously need to step up their cooking game. Now-a-days you better have a Michelin star to your name or we won't even bother putting your number in our phones. Also, it really helps to have a French accent.
Left to right, the judges of US series Master Chef (2010 - ): Graham Elliot, Gordon Ramsay, and Joe Bastianich (if that last one sounds familiar, he's Lydia Bastianich's son). I find all three of them attractive. Sexually. Yes, I'm serious.
Reality TV in particularly has been massively affected by this trend of men hanging up their business degrees and paying tuition for cooking school. Scottish-born master chef and holder of 13 Michelin stars Gordon Ramsay has revolutionized the idea that the kitchen is where it's at. Always big in his native UK, it was only after 2005 with the start of his own reality series Hell's Kitchen (2005 - ), did Gordon become a fixture of horny foodies everywhere. Now, he has three prime time shows, and is considered an icon not only in food but in television...and of our loins. One of these shows is Master Chef (2010 - ) where an assortment of unprofessional home-cooks get the opportunity to compete their way to master chef status (I'm being redundant, it's right there in the title). On the latest episode Gordon and his two co-judges; Graham Norton and Joe Bastianich, invited the 3 absolute best chefs in the entire world to come judge the food of the remaining competitors.
For those not into food (first of all, fuck you) the chefs were Guy Savoy, Daniel Boulud, and Alain Ducasse. In the fine dining world these three are basically the father, son, and holy ghost of food. Aside from being the most successful chefs in the world, they are absolutely terrifying as individuals because there is nothing more snooty than a celebrated French chef.
For some reason, the only thing I could think of during the episode was; I want to sleep with all of them! Just knowing that they're professional chefs got me all warm in my pants, even though I've never actually seen them cook. Another point: watching a man cook for a woman is the same as when a man watches a woman do gymnastics in her underwear. On top of which we get to eat afterwards. As men have no idea how much that means to us.
With films like The Chef (2012) coming out next year starring action-film aficionado Jean Reno, cooking is definitely redefining what is 'macho' in our society. And if we go back to the core of this whole trend; Gordon Ramsay, that's basically as 'manly' as it gets. He looks like he can break a guy in half with his bare hands, and with the same hands can put together a delicate filet mignon with cauliflower silk and grilled haricot verts. I guess it really is true that the key to a woman's heart is through her mouth. Good one?
Below, Gordon Ramsay cooks his signature Beef Wellington, it's better than porn!
Still from the infamous Katz's Deli scene in When Harry Met Sally, if you haven't seen it then shame on you sir. (I say sir because every ma'am on this planet has most definitely watched that movie).
When I first started writing, short stories and mini-plays about god knows what...anything, there was one person who I wanted to be exactly like. That was Nora Ephron. The woman who wrote cinema's most famous deli scene, wrote two Academy Award nominated performances for Meryl Streep, and for three decades had the market cornered on romantic comedies and dramadies.
It breaks my heart to hear that she died today, because so much of my childhood was learning how to speak, feel, and be as a woman the way that Nora wrote them. She was eponymous of dry, witty humor, and plenty of heart, and wrote both sexes down as if she had them completely pegged, and she did. What really was appealing about her from my point of view was just how fearless she was. She was a screenwriter at a time when the movie business was very much a man's world, particularly behind the cameras. A woman screenwriter? who'd have thunk? Nora did, and she really did pave the way. And everyone knew to take her seriously after the landmark romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally (1989) came out and Nora ripped the sheets clean off the sex-relationship table and gave 'I'll have what she's having' a permanent place in perfect joke history.
To be such a trailblazer couldn't have been easy, but Nora remained at the top of her game all throughout her career, and we never lost sight of just how insightful, bright, and brilliant she was when it came to the challenges, however awkward and comic, that we all face in our stupid relationships.
Though many people didn't enjoy it, and by 'many people' I mean the pretentious critics at the Village Voice who turned up their noses at a lighthearted and sweet-as-fuck romantic comedy, but I thoroughly loved Julie and Julia (2009), Nora's last film. For a film basically sans plot, it was still interesting, unique, and fun to watch, which is a gift that only a rare few have, Nora being one of them. As a writer, she's up there with the likes of Anais Nin, Margaret Mitchell, and what the hell, Emily Dickinson. She was truly an original, and the screenwriting/directing world is lesser because of her loss. But we'll always have her legacy tainted in the films she wrote straight from her heart (as corny as that sounds), because she always remained true to herself, and always completely and utterly fearless, and for teaching me at a very young age that men are literally the dumbest species on earth, an invaluable lesson, I say thank you.
Below are some clips of the gifts of blissful moments Nora left in her films:
Tonight's episode of Master Chef (2009 - ) features an elimination challenge which involved cooking with an aphrodisiac ingredient, hence combining my two favorite things: food and sex. I don't even want to get into which i've dealt without for longer. Anyway, the winner of the 'quick fire' Jennifer, a perky cute 30's something blonde with a huge rack and peppy personality was given a choice from three ingredients said to have scientific properties of sexual arousal when ingested. I'm sure by now you've surmised that one of the options was oysters, which I'm sorry to say I detest. This does not mean i don't have a sophisticated palate, it just means I don't enjoy eating giant wads of snot. No offense to anyone who loves them, but I'd rather go for a more conventional approach to arousal than making incessant sucking noises as the slimy gooey texture of the oyster slid down my throat, did I paint a gross enough picture for you yet? The next one was a complete shocker: artichokes. A very metaphoric food for sex in retrospect considering how much you have to work at the damn thing to get rid of all the intolerable bad shit to get to the 'heart' of it. I'm a huge artichoke kind of girl but can't recall one time when i've finished a soup or salad with an artichoke base and immediately felt the urge to pummel the man next to me in a fit of sexual excitement. Take me waiter at chili's! that spinach artichoke dip makes me just want to rip off all that 'flair' from your suspenders and drag you to the back seat of your 1997 Chevy Impala that smells like old gym socks and beef jerky.
But next time I'm on a date and the guy has impressed me enough to make me want to cook for him (which is a feat accomplished by very few as of late) i'm putting artichoke into the whole meal, drugging him with subconscious bursts of desire with every bite.
The third ingredient that Jennifer actually ended up choosing for the whole rest of the competitors is another easy conclusion. The 500$ a pop turd looking thing that pigs burrow in the ground for hours because only their sophisticated snouts can pin point this diamond in the rough (and no, none of that was intended to be sarcastic), the truffle.
I have many soft spots for truffles, and i'm sure at least some of them are in my erogenous zones. Truffles look horrific but once are placed on the palate of one's tongue ignite pleasure that is too good to be only measured with one sense, and perhaps that is why it is regarded as one of the most potent means of sexual stimulation...orally that is.
Now, the challenge was not only to create an appetizing dish using an ingredient that most of these competitors have ever seen much less tasted. A lot of people made the mistake of cooking a filet mignon in truffle essence not realizing that actually truffles don't go with much, but definitely not with meat.
A burly generation Italian home-cook named Guiseppe created a taglioni dish with truffle cream sauce and spinach, and immediately made my mouth water. He book ended his presentation by saying his wife (who he loves very much still) his words...was the inspiration. The judges loved it, moving on.
Nothing rather than that is really worth mentioning, and for some reason the men seemed to triumph over the women in this round because it seemed they had an easier time finding a good romantic memory to use for inspiration, while the chicks were all snarkily looking at their ingredients trying to recall a rare moment when they weren't being royally screwed over. Food is to me always sexy, I know this sounds cliche but i really do eat with my eyes first, then my mouth, and just like attraction to someone else if the food doesn't appear appealing, what it can offer you becomes secondary to how it looks, even if it tastes divine.
So my course of plan is to stick to my diet coke/barley and the missed connections tab on craigslist because even though i don't take it seriously, i still find it hilarious. And for all of you happy people out there, i wish you many oyster filled romps with your significant other (preferably when the oysters have been cleaned, shucked, and sprinkled with lemon juice). Bon Appetit!
