On Christmas Night I'm Watching Schindler's List

The famous girl in red who serves as a catalyst in the change within Schindler's attitude, symbolizing every Jew he wasn't able to save. 

Let's put everything aside for the moment; Spielberg's first Academy Award, the event that it was that everyone saw, how important it is not only to the Jewish people, but for the world at large, etc. I want to talk about the filmmaking, because if I talked about absolutely everything, I'd never finish this post. 

Most of all, let's talk directing. Spielberg said his decision to shoot in black and white was because he didn't want to 'prettify' any images of the Holocaust. Apparently the studio insisted for a while that he shoot in color, and he assured them that if that was the case, he wouldn't have made the film. The lights and shadows harken to something out of Orson Welles. His long time DP (Director of Photography for the layman) Janusz Kaminski is truly a paragon of his craft. He made the events of the Holocaust and the events in Schindler's life so seamless as he moves from shmoozing with Nazi's in the first scene, the the chaos of Jews pretending that they have 'essential' factory skills so that they would get a blauschein (a blue card) meaning that they could go to work for Schindler (Liam Neeson) instead of being loaded up into trucks headed for death camps. His fluid camera captures the most aggressive and most intimate moments ranging from the liquidation of the Krakow Ghetto to a conversation between Schindler and his wife. 

Itzhak Stern played brilliantly by Ben Kingsley as Schindler's accountant and de facto right hand man. Their exchanges range from the mildly intellectual comic banter to some of the most harrowing moments of the film. 

As a historical epic (and that's what it is, not just a bio-pic), Spielberg utilized suspense so brilliantly it astounds me even today, considering that I've seen the film way too many times (like there even such a thing). A very iconic example of this is when Amon Göth (Ralph Fiennes) stands atop his balcony with a rifle killing people off one by one. He's aiming for a young Jewish boy who told him that he couldn't clean his bathtub as much as he tried. Amon tells him (as Schindler instructed when he said that power comes from pardon) that he pardoned him, changed him mind and after a few missed shots, as the kid walks away, aware of his fate, eventually gets shot in the back. 

'I pardon you'.

Another suspenful and heartbreaking scene is when a machinist gets examined by Göth, because Göth (like most Nazi's) takes his bloodlust to the extreme, and decides to kill him on the basis that he didn't make enough hinges. He knocks him to the ground and pulls the trigger, but the pistol jams. Through tears, the man tries to explain why his work was 'unsatisfactory' as Amon keeps trying to fire over and over again. Finally, he gives up and pistol whips him. The man survives, and is the one that writes the letter to the Soviets in case Schindler was captured that every Schindler worker signs on his behalf.

One of the most iconic scenes in the film of which I just spoke. It is so compelling, so terrifying, and so brilliantly executed, that it is the hallmark of perfect directing.

Now let's talk about the writing and acting. There is so much more going on than the story itself, and even with characters that have just a couple of lines, it pulls you into this film, this story, this world as if it's almost matter-of-fact. There is small humor here and there, especially with the Nazi's. A good example of this is when his accountant Itzhak Stern (Ben Kingsley) gets mistakenly put on a train to a camp, and Schindler goes to rescue him, despite his efforts, low-ranking Nazi's won't let him off. Schindler takes down their names and says; 'Thank you gentlemen, I think I can guarantee you that you'll both be in Southern Russia before the end of the month, good day'. Then the film cuts to Schindler walking along the train pass and yelling for Stern, while the low-ranking Nazi's follow him doing the same. Now that's good writing. 

But Spielberg doesn't shy away from the stuff none of us want to see, because we don't want to think that the greatest mass genocide in modern human history happened only 60 some years ago. He does this very subtly. A man sorting valuables, obviously those that Jews who are now in camps had to give up gets handed a burlap bag, inside which are a few handfuls of gold teeth. The man takes off his glasses in disbelief, as do we if we had glasses. But back to this later. 

Making the list.

A very important character is Poldek Pfefferberg (Jonathan Sagall) who actually wrote the book that the film is based on. He survived from the start of the Holocaust to the liquidation of Krakow to standing next to Schindler as he says a tearful goodbye to his workers at the very end. He is a rogue character. The first time we see him, he's mad at another seller on the black market for giving him shoe polish in glass containers instead of metal and threatens his co-conspirator. Schindler overhears his tenacity and offers him a job buying things on the black market that will be needed to shmooze with more Nazi's and eventually trade for the lives of his Jews. His mass fortune which was made by profiteering off of free labor from Jews at his company, he eventually gave up to save everyone he possibly could. 'They say that no one dies here, they say your factory is a haven, they say that you are good' a woman tells him who is desperate to bring her elderly parents into Schindler's factory. She dresses up in fancy borrowed clothes and puts on rouge and lipstick to appeal to Schindler. At first, he's furious at the fact that he's considered a Moses among the Jews, but his conscience catches up with him and he trades his cigarette lighter, his cigarette case, ties, pins, suits; everything, for his own humanity, and for theirs. 

Moreover, this is not a film about Schindler, and it is not a film about the Holocaust either. This is a film about history. A history that has been preserved in survival accounts, photographs, testimonies, etc. But someone had to put the pieces together and give us a narrative that not only educated us, but touched and enlightened us. The chaos, the deplorability, the horror, and the sorrow birthed a film that in itself is history, which taught us a very important thing through its fly-on-the-wall aesthetic; That (as the ring that the surviving Jews give to Schindler says) 'He who saves one life, saves the world entire'. 

'It's Hebrew from the Talmud, it says he who saves one life saves the world entire'.

Even watching it now, after so many times I can't even count, there are moments of terror, moments of contemplation, anger, but mostly moments of awe in the worst way. This is our history, not just the Jews, but all of us. A time where survival was more important than any sort of life, where hiding in excrement  meant the difference between life and death, where there was real evil in the world, and eventually the righteous  triumphed over it. This happened, and no one has ever or since brought it to film more comprehensively, with more brevity, and with such a sincere heart. 

Below some related clips: 

The Hardest Game of Who Would You Rather Ever.

I made this collage all by myself. Thank you, I AM extremely talented and totally cool.

Ever since being an uber-dork became mainstream, we've all had harder questions to answer than Team Edward or Team Jacob. It's the question of who is the ultimate pasty thin British guy we want to bone for a polite amount of time? I suppose you know that since then we've as a society narrowed it down to two of the pastiest, dorkiest, skinniest, most Britishest two men in existence right now; Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston. Not since the great wars between Pepsi and Coke, or the Yankees and the Red Sox have we seen such animosity, bloodshed, and upheaval. God help you if you walk through a Cumberbatch neighborhood with a Hiddleston emblem on your shirt. Prepare for the wintery freshness of mace and hair-pulling to the nth degree because it's coming full force. Now, you are probably already on a team, or defected and switched teams because your dream reality tricked you into a sex dream about Khan that turned into one about Loki...did that happen with me? No comment. 

Hiddleston in the hottest thing since the elves in LOTR, and he's a badass so we don't have to hide how hot we find Loki.

Cumberbatch as ubervillain and arch nemesis to Captain Kirk and trekkies everywhere; Kahn. Or as the original Captain Kirk Mr. William Shatner would call him; Khaaaaaaaaaan. (I loath myself)

So that's not too hard, unless you are so indecisive that they seem similar to you so you'd go with either. Then SHAME FOR YOU! So now we've passed one hurdle, hopefully you've picked one in your head by now. I guess it really depends on your nerd preferences. Let's backtrack. Hiddleston rose to fame playing Loki, god of mischief in the Marvel Cinematic series Thor, and Thor: The Dark World, and again in the Avengers series, or perhaps you are a big Sherlock cannon nerd and love the high functioning sociopath detective brought back to life by Cumberbatch in the BBC re-imagining of it, or on that note perhaps you're a closeted Trekkie and think that Cumberbatch's Khan is way superior to Ricardo Mantalban's (in which case you'd be totally right). So whichever is your poison is probably the malevolent and yet snarky mean guy/bad guy that you'd pick to take to bed. 

Let's face it, bad guys are way more fun. Who did both Hiddleston and Cumberbatch play opposite? Chris Pine and Chris Hemsworth. And if you're the most vanilla teeny bopper that shame-eats macaroni and cheese and doesn't have a debilitating cigarette habit, you'd probably go for one of those tools, but we know better. 

Meanwhile, in photoshop hell...

Anyway! I'm throwing a monkey wrench into this whole thing. You thought I would make it easy on you wouldn't I? I like to make things as hard as I can on other people. Juxtaposed with these two cinematic villains who pull of a tailored suit at press conferences and comic cons like nobody's business I'll throw two heroes into the mix; two doctors from the famed Dr. Who franchise who are not famous for anything but; Matt Smith and David Tennant (Calm your tits, I'm aware the latter is Scottish and would effectively screw this game of most pasty skinny British person you want to bone) but let's say men from the UK? See there you go, I can be as PC as the next person. These, not unlike Hiddleston and Cumberbatch could not be more different from each other regardless of playing the exact same character. Tennant is quirky and Scottish, loud and vivacious, and perhaps the most adorkable thing that side of the pond on television. Lock that Blue police booth and put your TV on mute. Know what I'm saying? Good because I don't. I've lost the ability to make sexual innuendo, I'm too excited. Matt Smith, is much more reserved, old-word suave, and has the most pronounced five-finger forehead in history and luscious brunette locks to die for. He's that Brit stuck out of time, with a baby face, and movements like Bond that remind you of your college crush (that is if you went to an Ivy League). Hurray for sweater vests! 

Left: Matt Smith, Right: David Tennant. Both played The Doctor, both with amazing suit tie combos. Yes, I'd like one of each please. What's the cost? My soul and a close relative? No problem.

Now, me personally? I used to be queen Cumberbitch, and have no idea why I had a change of heart, I'm not going to go into it, but out of those two I'd have to go with Team Hiddleston. Out of the latter group, if you know me, you know that it's not even a question. Team Tennant. The heart wants what it wants. Now that we've narrowed it down it's Tennant vs. Hiddleston. Now it's a difficult game. The Shakespearean vet with the boarding school education, slim frame, and piercing baby bues or the goofball, pillow-lipped Scot with a 6'4 frame and snark for days? Based solely on his dance skills and we all know that's what matters in the end, gun to my head, I'm going to have to go with Team Hiddleston. I'll fight anyone who says different. Well, actually I'll fight anyone who says the same, because I don't need competition ok? He's across the pond the geography of the whole thing already makes it difficult, so back the fuck up. Anyway, feel free to take this quiz at home, and then argue your heart out a la college debate team with history, facts, and everything else you're going to chalk up to that is more than just subjective opinion, because hey, if 15 year olds can do that all the live long day about Team Jacob and Team Edward, we too should be able to forfeit our sense of cool, or any semblance of a life. Cheers mates. Hiddleston...call me. 

Below clips, including a dance off that you will want to give me a high five parade for, but no need...I do enjoy money though. 

Sexiest Films of 2012? (Academy Edition)

Chris Pratt and Joel Edgerton in Zero Dark Thirty (2012)

Alright rabbits, the academy award noms are soon to come in and it's going to be a nail biter to the bitter end. Just kidding, like we don't know exactly who's going to get nominated and who's not. Let's review the big five and then the wild card. Lincoln (Steven Spielberg), Les Miserables (Tom Hooper), Zero Dark Thirty (Katherine Bigelow), Silver Linings Playbook (David O. Russell) and Django Unchained (Quinten Tarantino), wild cards include Hyde Park on the Hudson (Roger Mitchell), Argo (Ben Affleck), and PT Anderson intellectual masturbation cornucopia The Master. Now, sans a few surprises and far-fetched nominations like Wes Anderson for Best Original Screenplay, we know that most of the nods are going to be for those five mainly. Now, we all know that the Oscars have no merit, are blindingly political, and as George C. Scott famously called them 'a meat parade', so let's quit with the bullshit and not get upset when the good ones get snubbed (like I'm sure Sarah Polley isn't going to get on any category list because she's been black balled by the industry even though she totally deserves at least a nomination, just saying) anyway! 

So let's just look at this meat parade just like we do every year, and examine who has the sexiest over all feel. We'll rate them on a scale based on three criteria; overall ensemble cast, sexual content and execution, and sex-appeal of the director. Now, we can just throw Lincoln right the fuck out, unless you're one of those sicko's that gets off on that kind of thing, meaning there was a time you also found Sally Field to be attractive, and well you just make me want to barf right here and now sir. Les Mis, I'm going to go ahead and discard as well, no matter how much I adore Hugh Jackman and keep fighting with myself as to whether or not he's gay which is half the fun of watching him in anything, but Anne Hathaway kills the sexy factor in any film and she does it every single time from Rachel Getting Married (2008) to The Dark Knight Rises (2012). Also, her upskirt shot was not for the sake of good old fashioned raunchy sex-for-sex-sake and made it holy undesirable and desperate for attention/nomination.

J-Law and B-Coo in Silver Linings Playbook (2012).

Silver Linings has a good chance at winning the Fuck-Oscar this year. With a cast that consists of Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence you've pretty much hit the fucking sexy as shit lottery. Also, I don't know why (of course I do, I'm kidding) but I've always found David O. to be really appealing, like I'd marry him for money and have some wicked kinky sex with him before I divorced him and took everything of value because he yelled and screamed too much and came really close to punching me...I'm getting way sidetracked. 

Dicaprio basically recycles his look from Gangs of New York (2002) for Django Unchained (2012)

So that leaves Django and Zero Dark Thirty. If you know me, you know how much unabashed love I have for Tarantino, and also can realize that that last comment was soaked in sarcasm. Even though Quinten makes any straight girl question her sexuality and consider lesbianism more seriously than she ever has before, having the coolest man in cooltown Jamie Foxx coupled with the Romeo/Jack Dawson does earn you some points. But surprise surprise, I'm giving it to Zero Dark Thirty this year. Katherine Bigelow is the hottest 60 year old this side of 60, and puts most 20-something's to shame, and Jessica Chastain is unbelievable. I mean she's seriously ridiculously beautiful, almost too much for her own good, and who doesn't have a red-head fetish? Also, let's take a look at the supporting players shall we? Chris Pratt, Mark Strong, Kyle Chandler, Joel Edgerton, not to mention my personal favorite and father of my future children I don't give a shit what you think; Edgar Ramirez. Just saying his name out loud makes my mouth fill up with saliva. I want to eat him. I would eat him, I would eat his hair, and lick his eye balls. That's what he does to me, and I know he's in the film for like 15 minutes, totally doesn't matter. 

Just for fun...Edgar!

So get up here, and accept your sex oscar Katherine, Jessica, and the rest of you. You didn't think we'd all get excited in our pants about the Bin Laden film did ya? Well, if you're perverted like me, you find it in everything. 

Cheers.