Sinéad to Miley: Stop Being a Video Ho

Climb off that wrecking ball and clean yourself up at once young lady.

Miley's latest video for her new single 'Wrecking Ball' has people in more public outrage than when she appeared semi-nude showing her whole back (what a whore) in Vanity Fair at 16. This video is pretty racy folks, I was kind of disgusted myself. Not from the fact that it has no artistic merit and hits the wrecking ball over the head too much with it's metaphors, or that Miley is swinging naked from a wrecking ball, like any of us need to see that shit. No, it's that her and her director the renowned photographer Terry Richardson, known for taking incendiary and often nude photographs of salacious superstars, dared to claim that the video was based on Sinéad O'Connor's seminal and still unforgettable minimalist music video for 'Nothing Compares 2 U'. Yes, she was the first one to use numbers and letters instead of actual words, deal with it.

In essence, Miley is likening herself to Sinéad which is simply ridiculous. First of all, Sinéad actually wrote all of her music, second of all, if we're talking about stirring up contraversy, Sinéad has this one in the bag. Tweking on Robin Thicke, yeah it's disgusting. But have you torn up a picture of the pope on live television? I don't think so. And I'm sorry as shocking as Sinéad's behavior was in the early 90's, she still maintained her dignity. She didn't simulate fellatio to a mallet, which is I'm sorry so unsanitary, especially if in the prior scene you were using said mallet to break cinder blocks...it's a weird video. 

Terry Richardson with Miley Cyrus. A match made in contrived controversy to get back at one's ex-boyfriend.

I get it Miley, you broke up with your boyfriend whom you were engaged to for a hot minute, and you're only 20 fucking years old. I'm sure that's how old most people are when they tie the knot in the bible belt, but you'll get over it. And as Sinéad is saying, careful what you wish for because basically girl, you're being pimped by your producers and your record company. You no longer have the protective shield of Disney that would cover your ass even if you ran over a person while high on meth with two liters of vodka in your system. Now you're on your own, and no one, believe me no one, wants to see your naked ass swinging back and forth on anything, even Britney or Christina during her X-tina phase didn't stoop so low, at least give some kind of context if you're going full tilt boogie. I remember Christina's video for 'Dirrty' which was like a pop-culture fatwa against bubble-gum pop, where she donned ass-less chaps and simulated a bare-knuckle boxing match with some other chick grinding on everything that moved, but that was par-for-the-course of the content of the song. 

Perhaps the only similarity between Miley and Sinéad O'Connor is their lack of hair.

This song is about heartbreak, depression, and loss, which is what 'Nothing Compares 2 U' is essentially about, but they didn't need any gimicks to make it one of the most memorable videos of all time, they just needed Sinéad to belt it as emotionally as possible, which is what she did. And then she gave the finger to the music industry and became some kind of weird priest in a break-off Catholic sect, whatever doesn't matter. But, seriously Miley we get that you're all grown up, but it's becoming a little to gratuitous. Yes, you're easier on the eyes than Lena Dunham but we really don't need to see you naked all the time, just because Terry Richardson says it's ok. Here is Sinéad's open letter to Miley: Sinéad O'Connor's open letter to Miley Cyrus

The two videos below: 

Best and Worst Dressed at the Emmy's (The Definitive List)

Not to blow my own horn or anything, but I do know quite a bit about fashion, so please trust that I know what I'm talking about here and stop listening to Kelly Osbourne. There were some serious winners and losers, and for me, there are a lot of things people got wrong. Here are my two cents. And as always, please take them as the holy gospel. 

Well start with the BEST: 

Aubrey Plaza in Marios Schwab. Yes, this is on my BEST DRESSED list, in fact it tops it. For all you haters out there, not only is Aubrey a quirky girl, but this dress is unique and mature and a huge fashion risk. I admire a risk taker, though the accessories are weird I'll give you that. It reminds me of that black and lace Alexander McQueen number Gwyneth Paltrow wore to the Oscars in 2000. Only difference is she couldn't even pull off a McQueen with the perfect body she has, but Aubrey with this pseudo-goth look is showing a grown up side of her querk. Bravo lady, I stand with you.

Sarah Hyland in Carolina Herrera. Talk about all grown up. Ironically Carolina Herrera is usually the go-to designer for Hyand's co-star on Modern Family (Sofia Vergara) but with the dark lipstick and the black lace, she's channeling a somewhat Deco darker side of the designer that Sophia would never dare to venture. Good job girlfriend.

Kerry Washington in Marchesa. Marchesa looks wonderful on everybody. She's kind of like the safety net of fashion on the red carpet. I love Scandal and I love Kerry Washington on it. I mean it's like clothes were basically sewn unto her. She usually looks fabulous in anything, and though a bit too floral, she pulls this one off. She looks radiant.

Linda Cardellini in Donna Karan. It's hard to forget Sarah Marshall in this. This fucia Donna Karan is above and beyond and yet it's subtle. It reminds me of that crazy Marchesa gown that Vera Farmiga wore to the Oscars when Up in the Air (2009) was nominated but a much more grown up, aesthetically complex and pleasing to the eye.

Taylor Schilling in Thakoon. I've personally never heard of this designer but the empire waste, high front slit, and simplicity of the gown all work very well accented by minimalist gold jewelery. I'll say it again, blondes look great in white. What more is there?

Kaley Cuoco in Vera Wang. Vera Wang usually does not do such complex numbers nor have I ever seen her do boning for a corset but this beet red gown is just so classy without being burlesque or desperate for attention, I have to give her major props. I love that she decided to minimalize the accessories as well because the dress stands perfectly on its own.

Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang. I tire of red dresses that match the red carpet and am way tired of mermaid dresses as well, not to mention I don't particularly like Sofia Vergara, but she ends up on my best dressed lists all the time...like all of them. You know why? Because she knows what looks good on her, has a body that won't quit, and makes it work bitches.

Zooey Deschanel in J. Mendel. Yay! J. Mendel made it to the red carpet! Yay! Zooey isn't wearing poofy tutu dresses anymore! Yay! She looks mature and amazing in a silvery light blue silk gown! Yay! She looks like the grown up woman that she is! Yay! The world is a better place.

Now on to the fun stuff...it's time for the hideous monstrosities that made my eyes water and my belly ache with disappointment and nausea. Yes, it's time for the WORST. 

Lena Dunham in Prada. Did you really think I would ignore this or not start there. What the fuck is this thing? It looks like a giant version of something in Zooey's closet from 5 years ago. Prada made this? Are you serious? And then they put it on slouchy Lena Dunham? Who's running the ship over there because it's about to hit some serious rocks. It looks like a table-cloth from the 50's. It's unflattering. It's beyond poorly tailored. It hurts me to even keep going on about it. So I'm stopping.

Heidi Klum in Versace. Heidi, you're a professional model, you're the executive producer of Project Runway. What the fuck are you thinking? You look like a wardrobe reject from Luc Besson's The Fifth Element (1997), This metallic, sequined, blood-red, fake-collared gown looks like it belongs in one of the Underworld sequels.

Amanda Peet in Erdem. Oh dear god what happened here? Did two dress cousins have the worst sex ever and give birth to a retarded dress that Amanda Peet totally thought was chic under the influence of ambien and vodka. There's no logic to this dress, so why try to find logic in her reason for Amanda giving herself the worst make-under I've ever seen, on purpose!

Zosia Mamet in Honor. This could be the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Grey and pink? Seriously? And what's with the leather mini-bra just taped on to the middle? This dress is too much of a mess for me to even know where to begin. It's a crime against humanity. But then again, so is her show.

Julianne Hough in Jenny Packham. A see-through dress that makes you look like you're wearing your granny panties on laundry day coupled with an off-the-shoulder look? Epic fail.

Claire Danes in Armani. This might be the best of the worst. It's just the wrong dress. On someone as fair-skinned as her, it looks ridiculous, also it looks bulky and it's way too low cut. I'm not to excited about the trimming either. Bad choice, but not the worst choice.

Anna Faris in Monique Lhuillier. Usually one of my favorite designers, but this dress has gone ape shit. It's far too prom night, and the mustard yellow color looks like something that glows under a black light. Coupled with retro Bettie Page bangs and a far too high of a slit, this was a disaster. My eyes hurt.

Jessica Paré in Oscar de la Renta. Oscar de la Renta is an artist among designers. He is a true innovator but this Tiffany's blue number is just not doing it for me. The shoes are all wrong, the top makes her look like she has no chest to speak of, and the front of the dress should not be higher than the back. Me no likey.

Betsey Brandt in what might have been the worst look of the night. I have no idea who designed this dress, quite frankly I'm convinced she picked it up at a Ross on the way to the awards because it is beyond hideous. The color washes her out, it's far from being age appropriate and makes her look like a stepford wife. Also, what the hell is up with the bouffant hairdo? It's just a mess all the way around.

Lena Headley in Alessandra Rich. This bitch keeps making my Worst dressed list all the time, keep at it girl, you're not getting any better. And she's an intelligent, refined woman, what is she thinking every time her stylist gives her advice? A high-slit see-through dress with nothing but what looks like black spanx to cover up your nether-regions? And white shoes? You look like you're dressing up as a dominatrix to a Halloween party thrown by Frat boys.

Also before we end this, I would just like to express my disdain that not one celebrity rocked a Zuhair Murad this season. He's the hottest designer on the planet right now, and being dressed by him is an honor. I can't believe it's been since J-Lo at last years Oscars that we've seen him on the red carpet. No fair.

Do We Really Need More Films About Meryl Going Through Menopause?

Meryl making the 'mischievous face' which she's kind of made her trademark of late.

I don't know about you, but one film I'll be skipping this season is Hope Springs (2012). Not that geriatrics getting it on is like insanely hot, but it basically seems like the plot of It's Complicated (2009) with a little bit of Mamma Mia (2009) and Julie and Julia (2009) through the Diane Keaton film Something's Gotta Give (2003) filter, comes this sweaty turd about nothing at all. Two Oscar winners in the cast, some of our most serious thespians, and they are choosing material called Hope Springs, which by the way sounds like a rehab center.

And why is it that something like menopause is always turned into a romantic comedy where the main female character is just dying for the last great sex of her life before her ovaries shrivel up like a pair of prunes in Death Valley and her vaginal cavity slowly sews itself together? And the male counterpart is always just fine with growing old and not being able to sustain boners anymore, because there's reruns of JAG on everyday, and golfing for him to get seriously competitive about. In the trailer, the Steve Carell character, who is their 'marriage therapist' suggests they have sex more often and the two of them are stunned. 'Sex, what's that? We grew up in an age where we slept in two separate twin size beds that were exactly 6 feet away from each other, and I was wearing petticoats. My fragile constitution cannot handle the violent thought of being fucked by my old wrinkly husband after which he would promptly fall asleep right on top of me rendering me unable to move and snoring right into my ears which I can barely hear out of anyway because I'm so old', says the look on Meryl's face.

Thank you Hollywood to presume that old people have sex with their clothes on because none of us want to handle seeing old saggy boobies.

I love Meryl so much, but she's kind of starting to repeat herself, and because she's in her 60's, a watershed time for any actress, the roles are becoming more predictable. Sure, there will be a Devil Wears Prada (2004) or The Iron Lady (2012) in there somewhere, but let's face it, it looks like Meryl will be retiring soon. I for one am rather tired of the giggly, pseudo-horny, childlike characters she plays that are always rediscovering their sexual awakening at the ripe old age of 63. It really seems like a money project, but with 3 Academy Awards under your belt, an AFI Lifetime Achievement Award, and an acting career that has sprawled along 5 decades, do you even need the money at that point? And I love how they've dusted off Tommy Lee Jones lately. Like he's never played an uppity 'never gonna change my ways' anal-retentive grumpy old man. This is definitely a skip piece. I can already tell the humor is sub-par, the plot is predictable, and the actors working way beneath their respective capabilities. Fail. 

Trailer for the film. Yawn.

Who Played the More Uptight and Bitter British Lady?

I'm big on gimmicky bio-pics, and just so happens decided to watch Game Change (2012) this weekend before I fell asleep from how boring it is. Let's face it, we all knew that even Julianne Moore is count-it 4-time Academy Award nominated actress, she's no Tina Fey when it comes to impersonating Palin. All of us and our mothers can do that ridiculous mid-western red-neck Fargo accent she has, and her look is one that even your 400 pound male cousin could pull off with the right pair of glasses and a pageant sash, so the impersonation is not really what we're watching this film for. We were all watching it because deep down in our heads, even though it's been 4 years since the last election we're still clambering around in there thinking 'what the fuck happened exactly? who was making these decisions and for fuck's sake why? did any of us actually digest and fathom to the full capacity the idea that Sarah Palin might one day command from the Oval office. Thank god we never had to accept that eventuality. 

No, that's not Tina Fey.

On that note, I decided to keep on the political bio-pic track and FINALLY give The Iron Lady (2012) a go. Because I'm sure the big pay off is watching Meryl Streep do a heavy British accent considering she does accents in virtually every single film she's played in (look it up). What was the appeal of this exactly I'm not sure, except that Margaret Thatcher is almost dead so get a bio-pic of her in the can whilst you're still able, and people still kinda sorta know who she is because they listened to their parents' Sex Pistols records from back in the day.

The film was you know, ehhh. Good performance by Streep, but that goes without saying, the rest of the film was kind of a nap, which I took midway through, woke up, and realized this broad was still talking through my computer screen, and then she gets old and doesn't talk as much, and then it fades to black. Thanks for nothing Hollywood. 

And now I was one a British kick, so I showered, took off me knickers, scuffled into bed all nuddy like and downloaded Helen Mirren's Oscar winning performance in The Queen (2006)...again. The film, nothing to write home about. But Helen, how did she manage to stay so hot well into her 60's and play the icon that you would least likely associate with being hot? Wait a minute, did I just insinuate that Queen Elizabeth II was hot? Apparently. 

Of course, they had to Photoshop out that infamous tattoo of hers, but Mirren is actually one sexy broad even well into her 60's, and this might be her most frumpy and restrained performance to date. When you put her career against Meryl, there's no question that Mirren is miles filthier. I mean, she was in Caligula (1972) and did a naked pregnant dance...need I go on?

Helen in a still from Caligula (1972) you really thought she wouldn't bring some of that freak to The Queen?

 Alas the time has come when both grand dames of the theater and film world have to play uptight snooty and universally cantankerous British ladies in their 60's. Who did it better? The answer is simple. Though both have gold statue of a bald man with a sword for a penis, with and their names engraved on the front underneath which it states for 'Best Achievement By an Actress in a Leading Role', my choice is going to have to be Mirren. Not just because she's the filthier one, or she's the Russian one, or she's actually British playing a British character. Bad teeth, distracting pill-box hats, awful hair, and stiff upper lips aside, Mirren is a fabulous actress when it comes to portraying a woman's vulnerability. Not to say that Meryl isn't, I mean if I actually said those words I'm pretty sure a bolt of lightening would hit me where I stand. But when you're giving the comparison of two giants in the movie industry being made under to play the stiffest of all British people in British people history, who did it with more grace and tenacity? My very strange erection goes to Mrs. Mirren.

Side note, The United States will always have better looking female politicians than Britain. I believe that's the primary historical lesson to be taken from all of this. 

Below are the trailers for all three films.

A Few Best Men - Australia's Version of The Hangover

you can tell they mean trouble because one of them is already drinking out of the bottle.

Tonight, I went to a screening of Stephan Elliot's new film A Few Best Men (2012). Lest you forget, he directed the comically brilliant Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994), and we haven't really heard from him since, unless you were one of the 5 people that saw Easy Virtue (2008). The director introduced the film by saying that it had all three 'B's'...bestiality, blow, and bum-fucking. So I was in for a treat. Usually that kind of college-humor gives me a good chuckle, as it did with this, but I couldn't help thinking how this film was pretty much Australia's version of The Hangover (2009). It involves a group of British boys that come to Australia to marry off one of their mates to an Aussie daughter of a senator. It's virtually identical to the instant classic from two years ago, except the jokes were re-written for an Australian/British sensibility and sense of humor, just didn't work.

Xavier Samuel plays the British version of Justin Bartha, a boyishly handsome unfortunate who desperately wants to get married to the girl of his dreams, even though ridiculous circumstances seem to constantly get in his way, hissy fits and comically overdone sunburn included. Character actor and British goof ball with a dangerous side Kris Marshall is Bradley Cooper's counterpart; he's too cool for school, taller and cuter than every one else and always seems to have his shit under control. Then there's the chubby trouble maker-awkward-creepy-in-an-endearing-way scene stealing character originated by the incomparable Zach Galifianakis, played in this version by Kevin Bishop, not nearly as precociously nor amusingly. But I guess fat people getting into improbable shenanigans is funny in all countries. Instead of having a certain amount of time to get a tiger back to Mike Tyson's mansion, the group of rag tag drunks, coke heads, and sexually frustrated misfits has only a certain amount of time to get a prized ram back to it's stable house and get the lipstick of it...long story...and really not too interesting.

There's a lot of bare asses, shit jokes, and excessive and unrealistic drug consumption...oh and Olivia Newton-John is there too, but sadly all of these elements fell flat on their face. I'm not one who cringes easily but my dinner was slowly and gradually making it's way up my wind pipe. I was more frustrated than anything, because I hate it when a film promises dirty jokes and doesn't deliver. There's only so much of a man sticking his full arm up a sheep's ass I can stomach. I think this film tried to be raunchier than The Hangover but it fell short ironically. Mishaps at weddings are a great sub-genre, but the mother of the bride getting loaded on cocaine and hitting on the groom is small beans next to the wedding band playing 'candy shop' in their most disgusting undertones with a jazz beat.

There is of course the element of the crazed up drug dealer from whom the protagonists have stolen who chases them down through the film, and in this case, no one one-ups Ken Jeong. So i'll just leave it at that. See it if you must, but I wasn't crazy about it, it was pretty predictable, and filth wise, it was a bore.