I did not make this brilliant poster art. I'm not creative enough.
We all cried our eyes out when Zayn quit One Direction seven months ago. I know I couldn't eat, sleep, or start a sentence without breaking into tears for weeks. It was worse than when Gerry left the Spice Girls...or when the Beatles broke up. I still can't even. I've lost all ability to even. We all know that the magic boy band formula calls for 5 as the magic number, and 4 is bullshit. Joey Justin Chris Jc and Lance. Nick Brian Kevin Howie and AJ. Niall Louis Harry Liam and ZAYN. For fuck's sake. You can't just ask me to cut off 1/5th of the magic formula, then it's not so magical anymore, think about it.
I feel like the world has gone crazy and I want off. Louis is pregnant, Zayn quit the group. What's next? Harry dates Taylor Swift? Wait, that already happened. Motherfuck. Just the name of the band suggest that no one is allowed to quit and stays there until the bitter end...much like the Pope. Wait, the last Pope quit didn't he. What is happening?
Oh to be that dude that has to photoshop Zayn out of group photos for a living.
Now what am I supposed to do with that lower back tattoo of the first cover art of 'Up All Night' with all of their names written in cursive underneath? Tattoo a 'no longer there' above 'Zayn'? No! I'm in enough pain as it is. I'm telling you, people. Prepare yourself for the worst. Louis is going to have a baby and probably going to have to quit next. Then I know Harry's going to cave because he's this close to his own record deal and is too young and shiny to pass that up. Then who have we got Niall and Liam, what is it going to be a Sonny and Cher kind of thing? One of them is going to have to learn a folk instrument and I'm not sticking around to watch either of them struggle with a ukulele. Clearly my entire life is flashing before my eyes, and I'm thinking the worst because that's how I'm programmed. But I can't see a functioning world without One Direction. Who else believes they're single-handedly responsibly for stimulating our economy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? ...Harry Styles for President? Too far? Yeah that's too far.
The male pop superstar recipe calls for 5 members, and 4 just doesn't taste as good.
But you know what America? We're a nation of survivors and we're going to make it through this. It's been 7 months, and just like someone in AA would i've been counting the days of how long I've gone without Zayn. I have my tough moments but I have a 1D sponsor that I can call and they'll come over and play 'The Story of My Life' at full volume while they force feed me cookie dough and everything returns to normal. And if retrospect if any of them was going to quit first (which is an inevitability in the boy band universe) I'm fine with it being Zayn. My holy trinity is Harry Louis and Niall. I think Niall's the Holy Ghost but I'm not sure. I think that the rest of the world agrees with me. Had it been Liam, there would be rioting. And let's be real, unlike BSB and 'N Sync, One Direction doesn't need 5 voices to harmonize. In case you hadn't lost ALL respect for me just yet, let me enlighten you. Justin is a lead tenor, JC is a high tenor, Chris is a counter tenor, Joey is a baritone and Lance Bass is all about the bass (lame puns rear their ugly head). Clearly they all studied opera because together those 5 voices make a beautiful harmony that hypnotizes girls in their teens to spend millions of their parents' money. I know One Direction can sing, but they're not as chemically inclined as the rest, put it that way if that makes sense. Ok fine, THEY CAN'T SING. Do I care?? Does anyone? What I'm saying is that since the release of their first single since Zayn's departure I can't tell the difference. Sounds the same. I just miss his face. I'd grown so accustomed to it (musical theater reference, what.)
Below, videos from the good ol' days. I can barely bring myself to watch their new videos, not only because I can't in public for fear of being ostracized by society but because my heart still hasn't recovered from the loss.
Congrats ladies,
there’s a new foreign piece of man candy to obsess over with a rugged stubble
and an accent to die for. Move over Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba, and Mads Mikklesen,
there’s a new brooding foreign boy in town, with the piercing eyes of the
cover-boy of a harlequin romance novel, the street-tough mannerisms of the
angriest FIFA player on the losing team of the last game and the tenderness of a Euro-hunk can express just with his eyes. Woah, my bra just snapped open.
Also...Hai.
I speak to you now
of a man so hot, his name is literally unpronounceable, because if you could
just say it, it would be a Beetlejuice kind of scenario; the heavens would
clash, the sky would grow dark, Avril Lavigne’s face would appear as A GIANT
APPARITION CRYING TEARS OF BLOOD AND SHE’D RECITE THE GOOD WILL HUNTING SCREENPLAY AND DARKNESS WOULD COVER THE LAND UNTIL THE END OF TIME. Ok I went
too far didn’t I? I’m speaking to you now of the little known-about to be as
huge as my black eye-liner collection star of films like Rust and Bone,Bullhead, and the upcoming: A Little Chaos opposite Kate Winslet? Haven’t
figured it out yet or at least wikipedia’d it? That’s because you’re stupid. I
speak to you now of…Matthias Schoenaerts (Phew, nothing happened).
Some promo art for A Little Chaos. Long hair, check, frilly shirt, check, eyes that stare into your very soul...check.
He has a
well-deserved Cesar award for ‘Most Promising Hot Euro Dude’ I’m sure that’s
exactly what the award translates into from French. And it's well-deserved.
He’s on the cusp people; he’s about to blow up a la Cumberbatch so I’d put dibs
on him like now. I would, but you know he lives in Belgium and I’m in New York,
I mean that’s a bitch of a commute. But I think it would be worth it don't you?
Apparently, he
also happens to speak English perfectly. But let’s hope that doesn’t work
against him and make him you know, ordinary and stuff. You want your brooding
mysterious European guys to stay brooding, mysterious, and European. Let’s
admit it ladies, we just don’t like it when males speak.
Because this happens to every girl every damn time (Fuck my life)
Alright alright alright, I thought we were past this. He won his Oscar for Dallas Buyer’s Club (2014) where he played a skeletal cowboy suffering from AIDS opposite Jared Leto who also won, and to whom I had ALWAYS been attracted. Matthew basically stayed under my radar. He had a Southern twang that just didn’t agree with me, and I was never a fan of True Detective because I don’t fancy myself a pretentious ass who knows more about philosophy than I actually do, also I’m a girl c’mon. Last year, after the Cumberbitch fog had lifted, the McConaissance was in full swing, he not only dominated the headlines for his virtuoso film work, but for his TV work, where he basically plays that same guy we see in every tv show, and did something all actors do to get noticed…they get ugly. For Dallas Buyer’s he lost close to 45 lbs. As Tiny Fey called it ‘or what actresses call being in a movie.’
As the completely emaciated Rob Woodruff, a role that won him the Academy Award. Suck on that, Christian Bale.
As for True Detective he gave himself a ridiculous fu-manchu mustache, and a celebutante-inspired messy and loose ponytail. I would have said to go whole hog and grown a mullet and knocked out a couple of his front teeth, but that might have been a bit much. And through it all, every woman in America was getting to throw her panties at the tv and started to pretend she cares about The King in Yellow.
Rustin, the man, the myth, the chain smoker.
So yesterday, Sunday, the day that I don’t move at all except to extend my hand for the remote, SyFy decided to play a cruel joke on me. They decided to air back-to-back blocks of the film Contact (1997), you remember that one serious film McConaughey before he was typecast a slightly goofy stoner with endless barrels of Southern charm? He plays some kind of ‘scientist’ whose title they clearly made up for the film, because there’s no such job in astronomy…I think it’s like a spiritual analyst of extra-terrestrial phenomena...whatever.
44 and CUUUUUT! Don't ever change, McConaughey.
Anyway, he falls in love with renegade astronomy maverick Jodie Foster who's character just won’t roll over and die damn it, which is I guess a good thing because she starts to pick up a bizarre noise on her ginormous headphones that are linked to about a football field full of giant satellites. But anyway, that’s like the plot and everything, but what’s really worth it about the film is watching a clean-shaven McConaughey play it straight as a PhD astrophysicist. I mean I’ve never seen an actor stretch so much, where else has he done anything remotely like that in his acting career or otherwise. I love how we have to buy him as smart and then just a year later he’s arrested in Texas for playing the bongos naked and stoned. Atta boy. That’s the McConaughey we all know and love. Don’t ever stop being ridiculous Matty. We’re laughing with you not at you, also I sent you massage oil a few weeks ago, did you get it? Because it doesn’t seem like you’ve been using it.
(L to R) Scoot McNairy, Mackenzie Davis and Lee Pace look out of their clandestine offices at IBM representatives who invade their territory with a mixture of defiance and intimidation.
So the highly anticipated series on AMC that's not Mad Men or Breaking Bad premiered this past Sunday. Halt and Catch Fire tells the almost unknown technology story of tenacious and rebellious renegades in the 'Silicon Prairie' a decade before Silicon Valley ever crystallized as the center of the technology revolution, that stole IBM's flagship product; the PC, to basically create some of the most important innovations in the field birthing the Dell computer, and without whom we'd all be staring at a black IBM screen typing in green face letters. I exaggerate, but we'd definitely not be as technologically evolved.
Speaking for myself I was so relieved to watch the premiere of a new AMC show without immediately thinking; 'well this is pretentious'. Let's face it people, AMC has a weird streak of broadcasting good material on its viewers and then letting it fall into bleakness, pretentiousness, and mediocrity...am I right Breaking Bad? But this series, promises to be new and different, exciting and incendiary, sexually charged and spy-thrillery, throughout, and yes all of that came through just in the pilot. Not to mention how refreshing it is to wax nostalgic about the 80's rather than the 60's.
I wish I could tell you there was a love story between these two characters; Joe and Cameron, but it's more of a hate-sex thing. It's much better!
Faux-rebellious protagonists who turn anti-heroes because of blind ambition like Don Draper and Walter White are out. This show focuses on desperate people with nothing to lose and an enormous thirst for power, legacy, and entitlement. The three protagonists could not be more different from one another nor from any protagonists in scripted television right now. Though they may have certain familiar quirks and characteristics, they are fundamentally unique, and we have the writers and actors playing them to thank for this.
Lee Pace as Joe MacMillan; the ring leader.
Joe MacMillan (played by Lee Pace) seems like your typical 80's yuppie. He drives a cool car, wears a sharp suit, blow dries is hair, and always has something elitist to say to his 'lessers'. But he's not everything he appears to be. Even though he's what's commonly known as a 'closer', he can't seem to catch a break. Sure his job pays well but no one really takes him seriously when his ambition gets the better of him. He might have the appearance of a staunch business man, but he wants more. And the way to get it is to do it his own way and circumvent those standing between him and ultimate power.
Scoot McNairy as Gordon Clark; the 'brain' and most of the time, the voice of reason.
Gordon Clark (played by Scoot McNairy) is basically his polar opposite. Thin and physically inferior with huge glasses and a face-masking beard, he's the 'misunderstood genius'. There was a time when he had brilliant ideas, but his dreams were crushed, along with his self-confidence when he tried to build his own computer with his wife which turned out to be a pyrotechnic disaster. No one ever took him seriously again until Joe offers him a new means of recognition; not to build a computer from the ground up but to reverse-engineer the IBM computer and make it their own. It's hilghly illegal, and yet extremely titillating. Where would we be today if innovation ideas weren't pirated and nuanced to make that particular product better?
Brilliant Canadian actress Mackenzie Davis as Cameron Howe; the rebel.
And then there's Cameron Howe (played by Mackenzie Davis). Is she ever a loose cannon, and she perfectly rounds out this trifecta of brilliant thieves. She's her own kind of rebel, outwardly and aesthetically punk, extroverted, and defiant, inwardly an enormous genius for someone her age (I'm guessing she's about 21-22 considering she admits she's a college dropout). She's beautiful and spunky and doesn't take shit from anybody. She doesn't belong within a 5 mile radius of an office building, but when called upon by Joe to work on the reverse-engineering plan, she jumps to the opportunity considering all that's on the horizon is 'repairing VCR's for 3.25 an hour'.
Two enormous egos battle for their time in the harsh glare of the tech spotlight.
The three formulate a plan to take down the biggest and only computer company in existence, but are soon met with opposition not to mention their mutual hate and resentment of each other. There's sexual tension basically everywhere, and if this show teaches us anything it's this: 1) Don't live in Dallas. 2) Be bold and do whatever the fuck you want even when everyone tells you not to, because that's how great people become great. I'm on board AMC, thank you for redeeming yourself with really enthralling material for a change. I have high hopes for this show, I can't wait for the next episode, and it's been a while since I cancelled plans for TV. This is the story never told, and the story we've suddenly become fascinated with thanks to The Social Network (2010). It has a unique point of view, and shed new light on a quiet revolution that happened behind locked doors and curtained windows. It takes a million artistic liberties but who cares? It's not on The History Channel.
A view from above. One of Baz's (excuse me but actually, it's one of Busby Berkeley signature shots that he invented back in the 30's that Baz ripped off, but you know...) Don't choke on all that glitter.
Baz Luhrmann bless him, seems to believe that we as humans sitting in a darkened theater are so dulled and thick that they need to be assaulted by colors, music, and camera tricks to create such a high level of visual stimulus so that nothing competes. But what he seems to misunderstand is that when there's already an important, nay...iconic story, already articulated, which every movie-goer has by this time read or has had to read or are at least aware of you have to tread lightly and respect the original material. We get all of the parallels, symbolism, and themes attached to the story of Jay Gatsby even if we haven't read F. Scott Fitzgerald's American opus published back in the 20's about the disillusionment of a culture built on fame, money, and decadence, set in the sparkly aura of The Jazz Age.
Not for a minute did I believe this love story. Those two couldn't have had less chemistry if they were first cousins.
Luhrmann probably latched on to certain words and phrases in that first act, like 'decadence' 'collosal vitality' and 'so we beat on' and put them to literal translation. And, compared to his other work, it's like everything else. A lot of show, and a lot of melodrama, but no real performances, and all of the character arcs have to be shoved into our faces as if we don't get what exactly it is each character is going through. Everything serious and violent has to be done in slow motion, and everything glamorous and uplifting has to look like it was just found in David Bowie's closet and shot through a Sepia filter. It's like, step away from the computer, and read the book another time. But, I'm quite honestly not hating on Luhrmann, I think he's really trying but he's tragically misguided. It's like giving a 3 year old a camera, they don't know what the fuck it is or what to do with it. I think he desperately wants to be camp or even cult, but takes himself too seriously to ever achieve that. He's nowhere near as brilliant as someone like Paul Verhoeven who could adapt Gatsby for half this budget and do a better job. So Baz is floating somewhere in between the John Waters/Todd Haynes/Andy Warhol territory and the Ridley Scott/Michael Bay/James Cameron territory...trying to find his own voice and style, but it's just not one that fits into any kind of spectrum or genre, it's (just like his films) a big ol' mess.
Baz is like the George Lucas of his genre when it comes to actors, where he can take intense complex actors and just make them give the most boring two-dimensional performances of their careers.
The only person that I think gives any kind of performance (and you'll probably kill me for this) is actually Jay Gatsby himself; Leonardo DiCaprio. Though every time he said 'old sport' I cringed because he just couldn't get that to sound natural. He looked the part, he played the part, and he is the artifice through which we see the beginning, middle, and end of a golden age. And he plays all of those movements very well. I'll give him that...or rather to the best of his abilities. It's very hard for a performer like Leo to drown in abysmal material.
A still from Moulin Rouge, with the actors' wardrobe photoshopped so it would be appropriated for the right era.
But in the end, we don't watch Baz Luhrmann's films for the performances lets be honest we watch them so our heads will twirl around until our eyes bulg from their sockets and steam comes out our ears like an old Looney Tunes cartoon. Unfortunately Baz in all of his aesthetic genius couldn't grasp that there is an ironic edge to Gatsby, it's actually not about the glitz and glamour, it's about the tragedy of how putrid and unreal all of that is and the awakening to that; it's the death of a dream not the birth of it. The disillusionment of Neverland and acceptance and acquiessance to banal and bland 'real world' life. Sorry if that ruined Gatsby for you, but you should have fucking read it by now. PS. It is such a fucking cop-out to adapt a book with first person narration into a film with first-person narration, like seriously? We need the book read to us by the main character? That's why we...read the book. I want my 13 dollars back.
Subtitle: 'Ok, it's the 20's but pretend like you're at an LA nightclub in the now. Get her a vodka redbull'
Baz saves the last like 2 minutes to kinda pepper in some tragedy but it's conveyed through a teary-eyed, whiny Tobey Maguire trying his best to emote near a green screen, and feels reminiscent of like a child losing his favorite toy more than disillusionment of an entire era, as usual, it's pretty futile and devoid of any substance. And isn't that the ever-present problem with Baz? That he makes films that are all style and no substance? Give me an example to counter that I defy you. First he had to ruin Shakespeare for all of us, and now he's taken on bringing down Fitzgerald. Who's next Baz? I'd love to see your adaptation of 'Naked Lunch', I just hope the ghost of Burroughs stabs you in the eye. For some reason I have a feeling he's been itching like hell to re-do 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. Can't wait to hear his bastardized version of Moon River. But for now, let's all sit quietly and wait for his new Kung-Fu epic. Heads are going to roll.
We're never short of reviews of Cumberbatch's performances because he's an unbelievably talented actor. He's up for two Shakespeare roles in the next few years; Hamlet and Richard III, both on the British stage, once graced by Sir Laurence Olivier in the same roles. Speaking of which he was recently compared to the late great thespian and that's a fucking feat. Everyone knows he's brilliant as modern-day re-imagined version of the Sherlock Holmes stories in Sherlock as the titular character and he can even take banal action-movie offal like Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013) and make it watchable. With a loyal following of slightly unhinged female fans known as Cumberbitches (of which I am a card carrying member), Benedict seems to be on top of the world. Last seen in the infamous Oscar selfie that Ellen Degeneres took, and rubbing shoulders with Michael Fassbender at the Vanity Fair after party.
Sexy and they know it.
You would think the sky's the limit for Benedict, and you'd be right, but turns out you know what? He's not very lucky in love. And he tends to self sabotage, and despite being an unconventional sex symbol he's still painfully awkward around females, and his biggest life goal he has yet to achieve, which is having children, because hey he's almost 37 and time's running out. Now, if these were traits of any regular run of the mill guy, you wouldn't even give him a second date, much less let him buy you dinner, especially when I mention the next rumor floating around the interwebs; that of the small 'baby carrot-like' penis. Seriously look it up, it's out there. If that isn't an enormous crutch (yes, I get the irony of that statement, I'm not stupid). But that's gotta sway on his confidence and perhaps attributes to the fact that he's 'awkward around the female species'. I'm not going to lie and say that the size of the boat doesn't matter at all, in fact, quite the opposite, but you know what? I wouldn't mind a stubby Cumberbatch if he was as intense of a romantic as he claims he is.
Poulet and Cumbernbatch circa 2010...yawwwwwwn.
He also has that whole 'I've slept with only one woman for 12 years' thing going on. When he was a mere student at RADA probably a little on the awkward looking side, he made a relationship out of a friendship with fellow student turned actress Olivia Poulet. She's...homely to say the least but I'm sure back then Cumberbatch wasn't exactly the catch he is today. And they were together literally for 12 years, I mean...that's crazy. 12 years and no ring? (I also get how coincidental that statement is considering Cumberbatch was in 12 Years a Slave (2013) but that's 1. Insulting to the film 2. unintentional. Moving on.
Cumberbatch with some slutty Russian model who's half his age. We all go through that phase.
After a slew of randomized chicks and internet rumors, Cumberbatch is still more or less alone, and sans children. So seriously ladies (and gents), who's going to donate $1 for my plane ticket to London? I figure if all my readers do, I'll be able to go by next month and give him a mini-Cumberbatch by the beginning of next year. I've got a bag packed and nothing to lose. Hop to it! (Seriously, send me to my destiny).
(L to R: Jax, Stassi, Katie, Lisa Banderpump (sans Jiggy), Tom, Scheana, and Kristen)
Officially could be the worst show on television, in constant competition with Toddlers in Tiaras and Couples Therapy, Vanderpump Rules is really a terrible. Like we needed ANY spinoff of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and in its defense, at least the women on that show are older, somewhat more sophisticated, yes they are swimming in money while the rest of us are trudging by struggling inside a recession, but every season there's a whole new set of superficial drama that actually makes it quite fun to watch. But this show has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It follows quite frankly the most spoiled, entitled, materialistic empty shells of human beings without too many brain cells missing that work at Lisa Vanderpump's West Hollywood hotspot SUR.
Now, I've been to SUR on occasion, and taken a few friends there, the only person from the show that I've ever seen actually working there was Tom Sandoval from the cast and that was ONCE. I'm starting to think that these people don't actually work there at all. Or if they do, they are actors pretending to do so. And the funny thing is, Bravo doesn't ever try to cover up that non-reality part of this reality series. All of them have aspirations of being famous in show business, in the dumbest ways if I might add. Whether it's a recording contract to being auto tuned, to being 'not AS famous as Michael Jackson but close' for whatever the fuck, it's clear that these pretty yet dumb-as-hell people aren't there just to serve and pour wine.
Stassi and Jax, the couple that for some reason are still together even though all they do is fight.
In the last few episodes, surprise surprise, the drama stems from a dirty little secret coming out about one of the pretty boys cheating on one of the pretty girls, and the way it comes out is the most hilarious of moments I've ever seen on reality TV, or on TV for that matter. Stassi, resident bitch on the show, and Anna Torv doppleganger decides to take the 'staff' to Cabo for her birthday and while drunk and topless in a pool confronts her ex, the selfie-king, Jax about a lie he's been keeping secret regarding another male server cheating on his longtime girlfriend...also a server. Draaaaaaaama. And if this show teaches us anything is that ladies, if you are topless, you can get a man to confess to ANYTHING...seriously anything. If you tell him he's actually a woman, he'll say it back to you with conviction.
Kristen, in her signature SUR server's dress posing for a promotional still, but when she's a hot mess (always) it's not that pretty.
Another lesson we learn is that entitled twenty-somethings living in LA playing chicken in the pool while 'average Joe's' as Stassi puts it 'sit behind a desk all day' make really terrible life decisions. Instead of the girl who's being cheated on (Kristen) just walking away with a middle finger out, she decides to stay for the weekend get as drunk as possible, and eventually sleeping with said cheating prick (Tom). And the other girls in the sewing circle get pissed about that, saying she has no self respect. Really girls? Weren't you just on television with your tits hanging out? How much respect are you retaining?
At this point it's beyond me. It's a hard watch. You might want to be close to the bathroom in case you have to puke the last remainder of dinner out dealing with knowing that these kind of people share breathing space with you, but twenty-somethings will be twenty-somethings...until they hit thirty and then they'll still be twenty somethings...because after all, this is LA and you can stay as young, stupid, and irresponsible forever, and not only will you be rewarded for it, you might even get your own show. Biggest life lesson there, kids. Put down the PhD manual and run over to the Louboutin store because no one cares about your mind when you've got 6-inch stiletto heels and a plunging neckline. Oy to the vey.
As Vanity Fair usually does, I've made a really short list of up and comers (no pun intended) that are sure to make both men and women swoon pretty damn soon, if they haven't already. Move over Skinny-legs McGee (Kristen Stewart) and Jockface Thick-neck (Channing Tatum), it's time for a new crop of sexy bitches to waltz over the silver screen and prove they've got the goods in more ways than one.
Claire Julien (age 19). She's already made a name for herself as a supporting player in both The Bling Ring (2013) and The Dark Knight Rises (2013) whilst continuing a very successful modeling career. She looks like a healthy version of Kate Moss heroin chic from the 90's, and now she's proven she has acting chops. I'm excited to see what she does next.
Xavier Samuel (age 29). This Aussie hunk of man-meat has actually been in the game for a while, but mostly in Australia, ornly garnering notice since he appeared in one of the Twilight films, and if I tell you which one you would lose respect for me for knowing so I'm not gonna. So far he's been called the best thing about the upcoming film Adore (2013), and when your co-stars are Naomi Watts and Robin Wright that's quite the feat. He'll also be starring in Catherine Hardwicke's new film opposite Emily Browning called Plush (2013).
Marine Vacth (age 23). This stunning French exotic beauty is already making good choices by making her first starring role in a Francois Ozon film where she plays an underage prostitute. The film, her, and her filmmaker all won praise for their efforts at Cannes, and she looks like she could be taking Eva Green's place as reigning hot bitch of France pretty soon. I smell Bond Girl all over her.
Dane DeHaan (age 27). With that junkie charm, and a real talent for sensual expression, he's making waves in what's bound to be the definitive indie film of this year; Kill Your Darlings (2013) where he plays Allen Ginsberg's (Daniel Radcliff) lover, Lucien Carr, while also getting notice for his role in A Place Beyond the Pines (2013). He has that Pete Doherty/River Pheonix dangerous element to him, with talent to boot. Bad boys are always sexy.
When Black Hawk Down (Ridley Scott) was released in 2001 I saw it, count it, 4 times in the theater, that's not counting how many times I saw it after it was released on DVD. I didn't know what the Delta Force was, I didn't even know which part of Africa Somalia was in. But I'll tell you this much, pretty much every singe supporting player (and yeah the main players as well) were super hot and I couldn't get enough. Yeah, it was pornish you could say. They were all in uniform and heroic and all that jazz, and it's just so funny for me to now recognize them in some of the biggest shows/films today, it's like good job growing up, but I discovered your hotness first. I am the main reason for your success and you owe everything to me. Anyway, let's go down the list.
The biggest success from Black Hawk Down is obviously Nikolaj Coster-Waldau who stars in basically the biggest show of all time right now; Game of Thrones (which I DON'T watch so I have no idea if he's still on it or not, but he's also in that godawful disappointment of a film Mama (2013) and a bunch of other crap so he's definitely the breakout. And he had maybe 5 lines in Black Hawk Down, but believe your ass I didn't forget about him. I even learned how to pronounce his name properly out of respect. You probably still haven't done so. Get on it.
Tom Hardy as SPC Lance Twombly
Another obvious one is Tom Hardy, yeah he's in Black Hawk Down, for like 10 minutes, but I totally caught him. He was pretty gaunt back then and didn't exactly look like the massive sex-symbol he does now, but I got it, that's right people. Way before Chris Nolas was even writing Inception (2011) I was all over it.
Charlie Hofheimer as Corporal Jamie Smith
Another one is Charlie Hofheimer. Who actually has a very dramatic death scene, so his role is pretty memorable (he tries to save Tom Hardy and is shot in a critical part of his leg and bleeds out). In case you don't recognize the name, he was a child actor actually who is currently on Mad Men as Peggy's leftist Marxist boyfriend (well ex-boyfriend now) Abe. He's hard to recognize with all that weird facial hair, but I can still dig it.
Jeremy Piven is in Black Hawk Down and he's making it as a professional douche bag, moving on.
Orlando Bloom is obviously in Black Hawk Down, in fact I remember it came out the same year as the first installment of Lord of the Rings; The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) and that's why the theater was mysteriously filled with teenage idiots.
Kim Coates takes the edge off by sketching as Master Sergeant Tim "Griz" Martin
Kim Coates is another one if you blinked, you missed. He dies a pretty gruesome death, and has little over 2 lines, and he's doing really well for himself on the highly underrated show; Sons of Anarchy, because let's face it, he looks like he belongs in a biker gang, which just makes him hotter.
Get this, Ty Burrell was in the fucking film. Yeah, TV's new favorite dad on Modern Family was in Black Hawk Down too. Bet you didn't catch that one did ya?
Hugh Dancy in his big scene as Sergeant First Class Kurt "Doc" Schmid.
And let's end with my personal favorite. I saw the film, and there was one scene I played over and over again. It's Charlie Hofheimer's death scene where the medic Kurt Schmidt tries with futility to save the poor soldier. He was played by a little known British actor named Hugh Dancy, which began a renaissance in my loins, and I think after that I rented every fucking film he was ever in, and now he plays opposite Madds Mikkelsen on Hannibal when he's not playing second banana to his wife; Claire Danes...bitch.
