I Have Something For You to Watch on Halloween

One of the more memorable scenes from the film. Can't tell you what's going on though, and it's hurting my soul.

The VVitch came out of nowhere, and I do mean nowhere. Shot in some desolate woods in Canada over 25 days by a freshman director who looks like he just stumbled out of the most hipster hipster bar in Los Angeles, I had heard things about it. Mostly that it was legit the most terrifying, unsettling film that will make your blood run cold. I was assuming this was coming from people who had never seen The Shining, or Rosemary's Baby, or The Exorcist. But now that I too have seen it, I will gladly put The VVitch into that group. I've read Arthur Miller's The Crucible more times than I care to remember and the Salem Witch Trials were never handled with that much honesty and brevity since. 

Does this not remind you of a certain famous painting?

But this is not about that. And the parallels between it and the New Testament were so subtle, nuanced, and brilliant it made me think; 'wow, hipsters can direct'. Robert Eggers, barely 32 (so exactly my age) cast a film with an all British (with the exception of one Scot) cast for this unsettling horror-type movie. I'm hesitant to call it a horror movie, even though that's how it's been marketed. To me, it's a period piece; a bleak drama much like There Will Be Blood with a lot of seriously disturbing images and themes. This is not a film for your parents or for the faint of heart, seriously you've been warned. 

I am not going to give away any spoilers, what I will give you is the premise. Set maybe a few years prior to Salem, a Puritan family is banished for the patriarch's disagreements with his elders about interpretations in the Bible. Defiant, he moves his family; wife Catherine, daughter Thomasin, son Caleb, and two really annoying twins around 5 or so to the wilderness...oh and there's a newborn who's pivotal to the story. What he was thinking I don't know, but it's his pride that spurred the journey and that's already giving stuff away. Now, anyone who is a horror purist knows that only bad shit can happen to you in isolation in the woods. The daughter Thomasin is the central character, who is about to reach 'womanhood' i.e. puberty, and the parents discuss selling her to another family so she can properly deal with it, which was not uncommon at the time. They are completely isolated save for their farm animals one of which is a surly black goat with giant horns called Black Phillip. The twins claim that he speaks to them and they speak back, and as we know, when animals do that and only little kids notice it, it's a common horror trope. But then it launches into a whirlwind of bizarre and such visceral happenings that you WILL have trouble sleeping at night. Even though you live in the middle of the city and don't own any goats. 

Black Phillip

What is beautiful about the film is the pacing (borrowed no doubt from Ingmar Bergman) where it emphasizes the feeling of degradation and isolation and eventually hopelessness and loss of faith. The other major aesthetic (borrowed from Kubrick no doubt) is the decision to shoot exclusively with natural light. And anyone who has ever made a movie, whether a 3-hour opus or a student film knows that negating your Omni's is basically film suicide. But to get the authentic feel the director strove for, it paid off.

Again, can't say what's happening. It's not a cliché exorcism I can tell you that much.

Now, you're probably thinking, they are in the wilderness near creepy woods, the film is called The VVitch...there's a witch in the woods, bam, you solved the puzzle...NOPE! And if you want to know what's actually up, guess what, WATCH IT. Stay home from the lame Halloween party you were invited to where everyone will be dressed as either Donald Trump or someone from Orange is the New Black, and just cuddle up with a pet or a stuffed animal like a child because no matter how tough you think you are, this movie will crawl under your skin and scare the life out of you. 

The climax of the film...have I left a good cliffhanger?

It was so impressive to see a film that was not only shot for under 2 million, made the rounds at Sundance and got picked up by A24, but that resurrected a genre that's basically become a parody of itself. If we label it a horror film, it's definitely up there with the aforementioned Rosemary's Baby, The Shining, etc. And it was directed by a guy who's basically the bastard child of Polanski, Bergman, and Kubrick; not a bad label to have. AND it's his first film. This was such a relief and single handedly restored my faith in the genre while making me slightly suicidal. Just kidding, but it did stick with me for so long and so strongly that I'm still not able to shake it off. 

Oh and in its defense, people were wondering why the fuck it's spelled the way it's spelled and that's because that's what pamphlets that made rounds in the colonies around that time looked like when they were asking people to beware of VVitches. It's not a hipster thing...well maybe a little bit. There I just gave you Halloween plans, you're welcome. 

Trailer below. 

Sinéad to Miley: Stop Being a Video Ho

Climb off that wrecking ball and clean yourself up at once young lady.

Miley's latest video for her new single 'Wrecking Ball' has people in more public outrage than when she appeared semi-nude showing her whole back (what a whore) in Vanity Fair at 16. This video is pretty racy folks, I was kind of disgusted myself. Not from the fact that it has no artistic merit and hits the wrecking ball over the head too much with it's metaphors, or that Miley is swinging naked from a wrecking ball, like any of us need to see that shit. No, it's that her and her director the renowned photographer Terry Richardson, known for taking incendiary and often nude photographs of salacious superstars, dared to claim that the video was based on Sinéad O'Connor's seminal and still unforgettable minimalist music video for 'Nothing Compares 2 U'. Yes, she was the first one to use numbers and letters instead of actual words, deal with it.

In essence, Miley is likening herself to Sinéad which is simply ridiculous. First of all, Sinéad actually wrote all of her music, second of all, if we're talking about stirring up contraversy, Sinéad has this one in the bag. Tweking on Robin Thicke, yeah it's disgusting. But have you torn up a picture of the pope on live television? I don't think so. And I'm sorry as shocking as Sinéad's behavior was in the early 90's, she still maintained her dignity. She didn't simulate fellatio to a mallet, which is I'm sorry so unsanitary, especially if in the prior scene you were using said mallet to break cinder blocks...it's a weird video. 

Terry Richardson with Miley Cyrus. A match made in contrived controversy to get back at one's ex-boyfriend.

I get it Miley, you broke up with your boyfriend whom you were engaged to for a hot minute, and you're only 20 fucking years old. I'm sure that's how old most people are when they tie the knot in the bible belt, but you'll get over it. And as Sinéad is saying, careful what you wish for because basically girl, you're being pimped by your producers and your record company. You no longer have the protective shield of Disney that would cover your ass even if you ran over a person while high on meth with two liters of vodka in your system. Now you're on your own, and no one, believe me no one, wants to see your naked ass swinging back and forth on anything, even Britney or Christina during her X-tina phase didn't stoop so low, at least give some kind of context if you're going full tilt boogie. I remember Christina's video for 'Dirrty' which was like a pop-culture fatwa against bubble-gum pop, where she donned ass-less chaps and simulated a bare-knuckle boxing match with some other chick grinding on everything that moved, but that was par-for-the-course of the content of the song. 

Perhaps the only similarity between Miley and Sinéad O'Connor is their lack of hair.

This song is about heartbreak, depression, and loss, which is what 'Nothing Compares 2 U' is essentially about, but they didn't need any gimicks to make it one of the most memorable videos of all time, they just needed Sinéad to belt it as emotionally as possible, which is what she did. And then she gave the finger to the music industry and became some kind of weird priest in a break-off Catholic sect, whatever doesn't matter. But, seriously Miley we get that you're all grown up, but it's becoming a little to gratuitous. Yes, you're easier on the eyes than Lena Dunham but we really don't need to see you naked all the time, just because Terry Richardson says it's ok. Here is Sinéad's open letter to Miley: Sinéad O'Connor's open letter to Miley Cyrus

The two videos below: 

Showgirls 2? Is This Real Life?

Classic Nomi. 

So by now my fellow film buffs and gay community, you've heard about the fiasco coming straight-to-video as a sequel (Showgirls 2: Pennies from Heaven) released two days ago, to the masterpiece that is Showgirls (1996). I was discussing this with a friend from work recently and he asked me if I love the film ironically or unironically, and I said I loved it unironically, it is truly one of my favorite films of that decade and I never tire of watching it. With a masterful director like Paul Verhoeven, this glitzy, campy, vaudevillian, T&A fatwa was just what the film industry needed back then, and kind of what it needs now with filmmakers taking themselves way too seriously (Are you hearing me Nicolas Winding Refn?) 

the pool scene is utterly classic in it's over-the-top ridiculousness

There are also just classic film moments that will never be unetched from our memories. The pool scene for example, calling every Versace you see in a window a Versayce, spelling MGM backwards and so on. I mean the memories and moments that you carry with you from this film are priceless and the drinking games don't hurt either.

'Can you spell MGM backwards I bet ya can!'

Now on to my biggest point, to parody a parody is just so meta it's stupid. Showgirls is already basically All About Eve (1950) in Vegas with tits, and it works, why fuck all that up and tarnish its legacy. And there will be no cameo appearances by any of the principal cast which made the film which pisses me off, probably because they are all pissed off that this catastrophe has even been greenlit. You only catch lightning in a bottle once, and Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle Maclachlan, and Gena Gershon all knew that this was going to be something that whether you loved or hated, you remembered, and you'd probably tell you children about...shamefully, or not depending on the kind of person you are.

Speaks for itself.

 The original is just so brilliant in so many ways, in effect it's an over-the-top campy story about a struggling young girl who just wants to break into show business no matter what it takes, it just pushes it to places that Burlesque (2011), Chicago (2002), and all the Step Up movies weren't able to go. This is mostly due to the fearlessness and devil-may-care attitude of Dutch filmmaker Paul Verhoeven who understood that any publicity is good publicity, and more importantly the 'worse' the film was and the more it aggravated and shocked people, the more chances it had of becoming a huge cult phenomenon...and it did. I mean, if you don't like this movie or have a problem with it, you're just an idiot in my book, and I'm sorry if that came out harsh but really. Stop taking yourself so seriously.

Showgirls FTW

My friend and co-worker was intuitive enough to post this to the website that I work for, which basically explains my whole point in GIF's. Here it is: 11 Gif reasons why 'Showgirls 2' will never be as good as 'Showgirls 1' (NSFW). And he's got a point, to really understand what I'm trying to say just go on iTunes and rent it just one more time. It's the Citizen Kane (1941) of cult classics, and it has stood the test of time brilliantly all the while doing an erotic dance on a stripper pole and then licking it. I'll leave you with some clips too, just to give you a taste of how good it once was. Go ahead and throw that viewing party where everyone has to come dressed as an incarnation of Chrystal or Nomi, but remember kids, I get to be Nomi...I even have a Versayce! 

Clips below, go ahead and take your pants off and get nostalgic...or you know whatever.

Compliance: The Most Contraversial Film of this New Decade

Dreama Walker reduced to sitting naked in the backroom with nothing but an apron to cover herself up with, not even knowing how much worse it's about to get for her.

If you thought the torture scenes in Zero Dark Thirty (2012) were rough to swallow, once you turn on compliance make sure you have an air sickness bag nearby. Here are a few reasons why, and they may be double standards, but those exist for a reason too. 1, the torture occurring in this dark indie sleeper hit are occurring in your very own back yard and not in a black sight somewhere not on a map in the middle east. 2. They are occurring to a woman, basically a girl barely out of her teens rather than some nameless affiliate of the Taliban. Here's the plot and I'll try to avoid spoiler alerts when I can. 

In the beginning of the film Becky (Dreama Walker) was just another 19 year old girl working a part time job at a fast food restaurant.

based on more actual occurrences we would like to admit, the film takes place mostly in a low-level fast food restaurant where a mysterious caller phones in telling the easily manipulated manager that he's with the police and a woman who matches the description for a young thin blonde, which of course could be anybody was caught on surveillance stealing money from a customer. She is then subjected to increasingly degrading and dehumanizing tasks, most of which involve forced sexual activity on another. After the mysterious caller is realized to be a prankster, basically the manager who has forced this poor employee to such horrors is beside herself and can't ever recover for how she was manipulated into doing something like that to an innocent person.

Anne Dowd, the Fast food restaurant manager being asked not only to perform a strip search without a supervising witness but to comply with things much worse.

his film cuts immediately to the bone. It tugs at our most vulnerable heart strings, as do most things when we see innocent people punished and dehumanized in such cruel ways, and what's more difficult to believe is that this happens basically all the time all over rural America where people don't even think twice to ask proof of law enforcement such as a badge or a search and seizure warrant. It's cinema verite style makes it even more difficult to take in, but that much more relevant and important. Not only is Dreama Walker brilliant as the innocent victim in all of this, but the star is Anne Dowd, who is actually perhaps the bigger victim as she gets blindly conned into subjecting one of her employees to such horrors. This is a vital film for everyone to see, not only because of the daring exposé on something that has been rather glamorized in our culture, case and point 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Sometimes it's good to take a deep breath and look at the darker side of sadomasochism, and this is just the film to do that. 

Trailer below: 

Spotlight On: Joaquin Phoenix

Joaquin Phoenix in a still from The Master (2012) dir. Paul Thomas Anderson

After years of playing second banana to his much more talented older brother River, Joaquin (or Leaf as he was called back then) got his golden opportunity in 1995 playing opposite Nicole Kidman in perhaps one of the filthiest, most deliciously satiric films of that decade; Gus Van Sant's To Die For (1995). He was only 21 when he played a naive and rather idiotic high school student who gets seduced by Kidman's will-do-anything-to-be-famous-even-being-infamous character Susan Stone who convinces him through her lady parts to kill her dimwitted husband (Matt Dillon). After that, there seemed to be a lull in his career with flops like Oliver Stone's U-Turn (1997) and culty 90's bullshit like Clay Pigeons (1998). But then as we all know, he hit it big, and I mean big as the conniving, hedonistic, ego-maniacal, antagonist Commodus in Ridley Scott's Best Picture winning film, Gladiator (2000).

Joaquin opposite Nicole Kidman in To Die For (1995), jump starting his career at the bold young age of 20.

As an actor, Joaquin was always a very special presence. Jaded by the Hollywood machine that seemed to claim his brother's life when he was just a teenager, and intelligent enough to bring a forceful yet thoughtful edge to every one of his performances, Joaquin was never an actor who played by the rules, and the roles he chose proved to illustrate that. 

One of my favorite performances of his is when he played sexually repressed, and spiritually tortured Abbé de Coulmier in director Philip Kaufman's beautifully decadent and sharply dark interpretation about the life of the Marquis de Sade after his incarceration in Quills (2000). He proved to be as versatile as he was creative, and was unwilling to be compromised by Hollywood.

Joaquin Phoenix and Kate Winslet in Quills (2000)

This notion might have been driven too far when he went balls to the wall (no pun intended) with his bizarre 'performance art' stint as a methed-out Rabbi, but now he's back to normal and slated to garner even more awards and nominations in perhaps the most anticipated film of this year; cinematic genius' Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master (2012).  Just winning the principle role opposite Philip Seymour Hoffman in such a huge project which is premiering at two of the biggest International Film Festivals (Venice and Toronto) is a huge accomplishment and Joaquin proves time and time again that he's up to scratch and is more than just shtick and idiosyncrasy. People will finally start to take him seriously as the tour-de-force which he is, and will stop comparing him to the legacy left by his brother. Joaquin Phoenix is a filthy, unapologetic, obnoxious, tenacious genius, and talented as all fuck. With The Master (2012), he is well on his way to cinematic god-hood, and I have no doubt that he'll get there sooner rather than later...all we have to do is forget about I'm Still Here (2011) which I basically have, except for that full frontal part.

Below some trailers from his films including The Master (2012).

Trailer for I'm Still Here (2011)

Trailer for To Die For (1995)

Trailer for Walk the Line (2005)

Trailer for Quills (2000)

The Evolution of Christopher Eccleston's Bare Ass

Does anyone else notice that Christopher Eccleston shows his bare ass in every film he's ever been in? literally ever single one? Ok not literally but it happens a lot. Actually I don't think it happens enough, I think it should happen literally in all of his films, and if it happened on Dr. Who, his would have been the most memorable incarnation easily. I bet he wanted to but the BBC wouldn't let him, lame. I just came to this realization and considering I have a long withstanding crush on the British actor it has been majorly impactful in my life. I feel that ass-acting should be in a category of it's own. It's so important to the whole scope and atmosphere of the story. And no one else has gotten it down to an art form more than Eccleston. His ass is almost as good an actor as he is, it definitely has a life of his own. I'm wondering if Eccleston is classically trained but his ass is more method. 

This is a handsome guy, who like the rest of us has aged over time, not necessarily as frighteningly as say Ralph Fiennes, but definitely looks his age (which is not even that old, 47). But it seems that his ass does not wither or wrinkle with age. He clearly has a copy of Buns of Steel, or sold his soul to the ass gods, because every time I see it, I feel blessed to live in such a world. Here, i present to you the artful and mesmerizing ass acting of Christopher Eccleston. If there were ass oscars he should have about 15 by now.  

Shallow Grave (1993)
Clenched, nervous, connoting that he is at a crossroads and is not able to handle the current situation he finds himself in. His ass conveys 'hey, i've had a really rough few weeks what with committing murder and covering it up and everything. Perhaps a nice long shower will sooth me'.

Jude (1996)
Relaxed, pensive, ready for whatever may come next including the demise of both himself and his lover (Kate Winslet) considering they are first cousins. His ass is unapologetic and proud in this scene. Come what may. 

Elizabeth (1998)
Ok I really really apologize for the quality of this photo, but you know it's only so long one can look for christopher eccleston's bare ass pics on the internet without feeling completely sorry for oneself so i just decided to take a photo of the youtube clip. Here, his ass connotes, I'm flexing because I'm big and strong and powerful and after I have sex with my girlfriend, I'm going to overthrow the queen and rule the British Empire. 

Lennon Naked (2010)
Here recreating the cover to John Lennon's and Yoko Ono's Two Virgins album cover. Even in his mid-40's his ass is tighter than I've ever seen it, good job Eccleston. Here, it's as if his ass is telling us, 'hey, i'm John freakin' Lennon' i can get naked if I want to. That's how I roll.' sweet.