No preface, just inspired by the 'I'm That Jew' slam poetry super cut. As OITNB's Cindy said 'It feels good to be chosen'. PS. I omitted iconic members of my tribe like Spielberg, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jonah Hill, etc. I just don't have that much time. Pouring out a glass of Manischewitz for my homies...
That Tattoo'd and Can't Be Buried in a Jewish Cemetery Jew...
Adam Levine
The My Mother is Jewish Therefore I'm Jewish Jew...
James Franco
That Really Annoying Giggly Jew...
Natalie Portman
That Hotter Beyond All Reason Jew...
Mila Kunis
That Bad Boy Jew...
Sean Penn
That Original Bad Boy Jew...
Robert Downey Jr.
That Giggles and Ha-Ha's Jew...
Andy Samberg
That Still Funny After All This Time Jew...
David Schwimmer (Pivot!)
That Uber Nerd Jew...
Jesse Eisenberg
That Head of a Reality TV Empire Jew...
Andy Cohen
That All Too Jewish Looking Jew...
Adrien Brody
That Not Jewish Looking At All Jew...
Alicia Silverstone
That Still Hot For Nearly 50 Jew...
Sarah Silverman
That Still Hot and In His 60's Jew...
Jeff Goldblum (Life uh uh...finds a way. And, you're welcome)
That British Jew...
Daniel Radcliffe
That Other British Jew...
Andrew Garfield
That Voice of a Generation Jew...
Amy Schumer
That He Grew Up Nice Jew...
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
That Gone All Too Soon Jew...
Amy Winehouse
That Hot for Four Decades Jew...
Jennifer Connelly
That Soviet Defector Russian Jew...
Sergey Brin (Holla! ...or Challah!)
That OG Hot Jew...
Dustin Hoffman
That Get Your Hands Off Him That's My Husband Jew...
Joaquin Phoenix
That Get Your Hands Off Her That's My Wife Jew...
Rashida Jones
That I Did It All For America Jew...
Evan Lysacek
That No I Will Not Quaf My Jew-Fro Jew...
Slash
That Hug It Out Bitch Jew...
Jeremy Piven
That Somewhat Menacing Jew...
Jake Gylenhaal
That One Jew to Rule Them All Jew...
That Reason For Your Sexual Awakening Jew...
The My Mom Made Me Include Him On This List Jew...
Seth Rogen
That Seth Rogen's Best Friend and Perfect Jew Jew...
Taylor chatting it up with Yolanda Foster's hubby David Foster about absolutely nothing after hitting the wine glass a couple dozen too many times. As Yolanda said 'there's nothing uglier than a drunk woman' well, let's put it this way 'There's nothing uglier than a drunk Taylor'
Finally caught up on my Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills because my life had become an empty void, and I
gave in, just like Taylor does to a bottle of wine every so often. I was in
Real Housewives rehab but I relapsed and bad. And what did I miss? Well here’s
the gist.
We all know Brandi is being sued
by Adrienne and her hubby Paul the surgeon, who never stops talking about the
fact that he’s a surgeon even though we’ve not once seen him perform surgery
this season because he’s too busy playing second banana to his wife’s
shoe-line ambitions. Adrianne is worth approximately 100 million dollars
according to celebritynetworth.com (as you can see I use my spare time wisely)
and Brandi is worth lets say nothing considering she hasn’t had a modeling gig
since 1997 and her only income is selling incendiary stories to US Weekly. So
basically that’s a shitty move on Adrianne’s part.
Hypocrisy alert! Kim the former alcoholic, who apparently relapses later in the season, confronts Taylor about HER drinking problem now that she's in a 'better place'....really?
But here’s what’s happening now.
For Kim’s new nose, she decided to throw a Kim’s new nose coming out party, it
was the most bizarre thing I’d ever seen, but probably par for the course in
Beverly Hills. During which, sisters Kim and Kyle which kind of remind me of
the two wicked stepsisters from Cinderella get a rather strange phone call from
Taylor saying she’s going to Beaver Creek and also implying she has no idea
where her young daughter Kennedy (that’s right, that’s what she named her) is.
This raises red flags. Then Bravo has the wear-with-all to show us other times
that Taylor wasn’t how shall we say ‘aware’ and tipsily yapping about god knows
what. Ergo, Taylor’s got a drinky problem, so says Kim the former alcoholic,
and by former I mean for 3 months.
What are you talking about I'm fine...glug glug glug.
So that now makes 2 out of 6, but
lets face it, Brandi’s quite the frat girl herself, if you look closely, not
that you would because your eyes would burn off from all that shiny, you’ll
notice Brandi always has a glass of wine in her hand and tends to be pretty
chatty and say things she shouldn’t. Red flag? Um yeah.
And in this day and age where in
Beverly Hills it’s easier to get botulism than a driver’s license these girls
are still picking alcohol as their main problem? Puleeeease. Get addicted to
valium or cocaine like a proper Beverly Hills housewife and stop boring us with
your sorority girl moments.
Adrienne talking emphatically about nothing as usual, and Paul pretending to laugh at his wife's jokes because he loves her....paycheck.
Also, Paul’s being a cunt
basically. That’s as much as I have to say about that. If you watch any promo
it hints that he and Adrienne are headed for divorce court and all I can say is
it’s not going to end well for him. It was mentioned in Season 2 that the two
signed a pre-nup so he’ll definitely be taking that depressed divorced man’s
condo while she keeps the billion dollar home in the hills, the dogs, and probs
the kids so good luck to him, especially with that face of his.
Still from Bravo's promo for the 3rd season featuring(L to R) Kyle Richards, Brandi Glanville, and Lisa Vanderpump. Beverly Hills is about to get cold, bitches.
Well bitches, it's official. My ultimate favorite show is alive and well at the Bravo network. After the balls-to-the-wall insanity of the last season even execs like Andy Cohen were taking a long hard look in the mirror to make the decision as to bring it back. But nothing, I mean nothing deters the trajectory of Bravo's campiest TV show. Not even death. And quite honestly now that Russell is dead and buried there is a lot less awkwardness to the whole atmosphere.
There are a couple of new additions and subtractions to take note of. America's most hated housewife and now the one who's side we're all on, Camille Grammer is out of the loop, but considering tv spots for the season, looks like she does show up for some good old fashioned passive aggressive catiness.
Filling her silicon-enhanced shoes is Brandi Glanville, officially my favorite Real Housewife and she's only been on as a regular for two episodes. You might remember her from last season, she hobbled on the scene in crutches and completely sans filter. A former model, and newly divorced she had a mouth on her that none of the housewives appreciated at first, but that's because they all love acting pretentious. Anyway, Brandi is by far the hottest, youngest, and tallest of the bunch, and all though somewhat hairbrained, clearly eons more mature than most of them.
It's revealed that Paul Nassif, Adrienne's now ex-husband calls Brandi a bitch to her face and she is not happy about it. She's already proven that where she goes, the drama goes, but so do the ratings so more power to her.
Another addition is the ice queen herself, or at least someone that looks like the human manifestation of it; Yolanda Foster. She looks like a cross between an extra from a Broadway revival of Cats, Leonna Helmsley, and what every American imagines every Swedish woman looks like. The irony of it being, she's Dutch. Anyway, she seems to be somewhat of a clever kitty with a kind of quiet and insidious nature. But I have a feeling that although rather boring as of now, eventually we'll all be taking her side. She's definitely the 'observer' of the group.
Thanks to the wonderful world of celebrity-blogging, we are all now well aware of Adrienne's split from husband Paul Nassif, which quite honestly was a shocker when we all first heard about it considering they had what seemed to be the most solid relationship in that she told him what to do and he complied, but it will still be fun in a sick way to find out exactly what happens, the uglier the better.
Aside from that, here's shit that's been going down within the group. Lisa Vanderpump and frenemy Adrienne Maloof no longer speak to each other or live across the road from each other, and in Beverly Hills once you move mansions to get away from someone else you're pretty much dunzo. Taylor is 10 pounds heavier (something she does not stop repeating) sans abusive deranged husband, and using way too much beige lipstick, but still kicking. Kim Richards is sober and very awkwardly so. She's definitely in that stage of sobriety where you hate everything and can't stand to be around anybody so you kick the cat when you come home every night. I don't know about you, but I miss the old crazypants Kim. Kyle is trying to shed her mean girl reputation which she built up beautifully last season and is focusing on her ridiculously perfect family making us all hate her anyway. Everyone is still filthy rich despite the recession, insider trading scandals, houses burning down, and market crashes which is strange, so I'm assuming that each one of the lovely ladies garners about a million an episode from the Bravo bank vault. And though the first episode was somewhat of a snoozefest it looks like this season is going to be a few clowns short of a circus which is nothing short of what we should expect. Tune in! You're in for a bumpy ride.
