I did not make this brilliant poster art. I'm not creative enough.
We all cried our eyes out when Zayn quit One Direction seven months ago. I know I couldn't eat, sleep, or start a sentence without breaking into tears for weeks. It was worse than when Gerry left the Spice Girls...or when the Beatles broke up. I still can't even. I've lost all ability to even. We all know that the magic boy band formula calls for 5 as the magic number, and 4 is bullshit. Joey Justin Chris Jc and Lance. Nick Brian Kevin Howie and AJ. Niall Louis Harry Liam and ZAYN. For fuck's sake. You can't just ask me to cut off 1/5th of the magic formula, then it's not so magical anymore, think about it.
I feel like the world has gone crazy and I want off. Louis is pregnant, Zayn quit the group. What's next? Harry dates Taylor Swift? Wait, that already happened. Motherfuck. Just the name of the band suggest that no one is allowed to quit and stays there until the bitter end...much like the Pope. Wait, the last Pope quit didn't he. What is happening?
Oh to be that dude that has to photoshop Zayn out of group photos for a living.
Now what am I supposed to do with that lower back tattoo of the first cover art of 'Up All Night' with all of their names written in cursive underneath? Tattoo a 'no longer there' above 'Zayn'? No! I'm in enough pain as it is. I'm telling you, people. Prepare yourself for the worst. Louis is going to have a baby and probably going to have to quit next. Then I know Harry's going to cave because he's this close to his own record deal and is too young and shiny to pass that up. Then who have we got Niall and Liam, what is it going to be a Sonny and Cher kind of thing? One of them is going to have to learn a folk instrument and I'm not sticking around to watch either of them struggle with a ukulele. Clearly my entire life is flashing before my eyes, and I'm thinking the worst because that's how I'm programmed. But I can't see a functioning world without One Direction. Who else believes they're single-handedly responsibly for stimulating our economy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? ...Harry Styles for President? Too far? Yeah that's too far.
The male pop superstar recipe calls for 5 members, and 4 just doesn't taste as good.
But you know what America? We're a nation of survivors and we're going to make it through this. It's been 7 months, and just like someone in AA would i've been counting the days of how long I've gone without Zayn. I have my tough moments but I have a 1D sponsor that I can call and they'll come over and play 'The Story of My Life' at full volume while they force feed me cookie dough and everything returns to normal. And if retrospect if any of them was going to quit first (which is an inevitability in the boy band universe) I'm fine with it being Zayn. My holy trinity is Harry Louis and Niall. I think Niall's the Holy Ghost but I'm not sure. I think that the rest of the world agrees with me. Had it been Liam, there would be rioting. And let's be real, unlike BSB and 'N Sync, One Direction doesn't need 5 voices to harmonize. In case you hadn't lost ALL respect for me just yet, let me enlighten you. Justin is a lead tenor, JC is a high tenor, Chris is a counter tenor, Joey is a baritone and Lance Bass is all about the bass (lame puns rear their ugly head). Clearly they all studied opera because together those 5 voices make a beautiful harmony that hypnotizes girls in their teens to spend millions of their parents' money. I know One Direction can sing, but they're not as chemically inclined as the rest, put it that way if that makes sense. Ok fine, THEY CAN'T SING. Do I care?? Does anyone? What I'm saying is that since the release of their first single since Zayn's departure I can't tell the difference. Sounds the same. I just miss his face. I'd grown so accustomed to it (musical theater reference, what.)
Below, videos from the good ol' days. I can barely bring myself to watch their new videos, not only because I can't in public for fear of being ostracized by society but because my heart still hasn't recovered from the loss.
Let's firstly admit that the hardest thing for a writer to do for scripted TV is something that involves multi-protagonists. Lost nailed it, but those shows are few and far between. Those of us who have watched Orange is the New Black from beginning to end can see that the writer's first avoided this, but soon realized that the gold was in the neck (supporting characters) not the head (Piper Chapman). They also had enough wear with all to utilize the same 'flashback' recipe that worked so well for the Lost cannon. It's simple math. You have a prison, there's clearly more than one person there, and each one of the supporting characters has a reason they ended up in federal corrections, so why not use half of each episode to explore that? And boom, they struck gold. The first season was very flawed, but because it was so innovative, exploratory and unapologetic it was good bait and got all of us hooked. But had they stuck with following around the needy, entitled Chapman (Taylor Schilling) for all three seasons ratings would have plummeted faster than Donald Trump's.
By the second season, they started giving the more prominent supporting players their own episodes and flashbacks. One in particular that sticks out is Lorna Morello's (Yael Stone). I've heard men who couldn't care less about that show say that they loved that episode and talk about it with vigor. Morello starts off the series as a rather hair-brained quasi-racist Italian from Jersey whom we don't necessarily hate but we definitely don't respect. The hyper-feminine inmate can't stop talking about some boyfriend and their subsequent wedding and we soon realize she has delusions of grandeur. She also seems to be somewhat sexually ambivalent in that she seems totally committed to this nameless faceless man, but allows Nicky Nichols (Natasha Lyonne) to go down on her on a daily basis. She keeps collaging what she calls a 'vision board' for what she absolutely believes will happen upon release, but somewhere deep inside of us we know that something is not exactly lining up. In the second season we learn the gravity of all of it. Turns out Morello was actually a 9th-level stalker of that guy she claimed was her fiancee and was convicted of breaking into his house on several occasions.
One of the most heartbreaking stories of the inmates of Litchfield. Lorna's plight is unforgettable even though totally implausible.
The genius of the writers made us actually feel for this woman in her flashback episode because as the truck driver for Litchfield, she decides to take off one day to that man's house and finds that he's in the middle of planning his wedding to someone else. She puts on the woman's veil and takes the world's saddest bath in their house. And we just can't help but feel sorry for her.
By the third season, the writer's had covered most backstories of the Litchfield inmates who have more than 4 minutes of screen time with one serious omission. Someone whom I connected to immediately, and someone who talks about her life so much to her inmates that in fact she might not need an actual backstory episode; Brook Soso. She's introduced in Season 2 as a quirky, naive, teeny, and highly educated blabber-mouth who annoys everyone around her, sticks out like a sore thumb, but has a sweet disposition regardless. By season 3, she's finally pushed to her breaking point, by being constantly picked on, dehumanized, and bullied, culminating in Leanne's (Emma Myles) cutting off her hair while she's sleeping, the likes of which we haven't seen since the soap in sock beating of Gomer Pile in Full Metal Jacket.
Everyone at Litchfield is given some kind of forgiveness and turnaround. Even the homophobic meth head Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning) has a 180 degree change of character, the only one who seems to be actually getting worse is Chapman herself. But Soso seems to have always remained an innocent, never plotting or being vindictive, she's the classic victim, but by the end of the season she turns from victim to survivor and we can't help but applaud that.
Brook finally stands her ground.
The writers definitely give her her comeuppance though. Considering she's one hell of a smart cookie she retorts to her bully by saying 'it's hard for me not to be condescending when you're literally beneath me right now' when the others are forced to wash the floor. And my personal favorite; 'I can't help that I have Pocahontas hair and it's not my fault you chose Meth over teeth'.
SPOILER ALERT. Stop reading here if you still haven't finished the season, I mean it's been two months get on it. In the last episode, the barrage of negativity against her takes its toll and Soso, left without any other options takes about a drum of Benadryl, saved by the grace of Poussey, Crazy Eyes, and mostly Taystee. And in the last episode gets inducted into their clique, considering she's been a lone wolf from her induction day. She might not be the most dynamic inmate at the Litchfield Correctional Facility, nor one with any kind of interesting journey to prison. All we find out about her is that she had a strict mother who pushed her since she was old enough to walk.
As women, we can all find one or more characters from the inmates at Litchfield to relate to. I definitely see aspects of myself in Gloria, Nicky, Flaca, and of course Red, but Soso had my heart from the word go. Her story might not be as interesting and dynamic as everyone else's but her character is one that I recognize very well.
Finding peace in the freedom lake.
In a brief flashback we see her get scolded for playing the piano wrong, and as a child upon whom piano was forced, I totally remember that and can fully relate. Keep in mind I had Russian teachers fresh out of the Soviet Union, so it wasn't pleasant. I personally can also relate to when she straight up asks for help and gets none. With Healy (Michael Harney), the chauvinistic old-timer with ancient morale and a strict disposition telling her that depression is all in her head and she just needs to lighten up and the prison doctor trying to shove SSRI's down her throat, when all she wanted was just a little acceptance, we can understand why Soso felt so trapped. And in that amazing lake scene when she clings arms with Poussey (Samira Wiley) and then physically and metaphorically jumps into her circle, it's such a release. It seems that most things that happen to her, happen unfairly, and perhaps that's why she's not given a backstory. Everyone else is definitely guilty whether they were forced to do what got them incarcerated or not. But Soso is almost like a child. She has an adolescent innocence about her, and even though she can be a know-it-all and seems to never shut the fuck up, we're all glad that Taystee was able to revive her. Let's hope for a full on Soso episode in Season 4.
Something that belongs on Girls Gone Wild not the stage of the VMA's...or any stage for that matter.
I know what you're thinking, hell has frozen over indefinitely now that I'm comparing Miley Cyrus to Edie Sedgwick, but a friend of mine talked me into it and insisted I refer to him as the smartest most articulate person I've ever known. I know him from grad school, and it's not far from the truth actually. Anyway, back to this, which could be like riding a psychotic horse to a burning stable but we'll see how it goes. Robin Thicke, in many ways can be seen as a sort of Warholian figure, and his video for 'Blurred Lines' if not for Pharrell's funky beats, and hashtags, and use of well...color and sound, could easily have been a Warhol film from the 60's.
the only thing gratuitous about this video is the exploitation.
Warhol almost always used naked actors and actresses, but calling them actors is a bit of a stretch.
If we're talking about exploitation, gratuitous nudity and implied sex that is not actually pornographic in any way, that's basically the recipe of every Warhol film (discounting Empire (1964)). He's a voyeur in a sense that he controls but does not participate. This is how he compares to Robin Thicke, which could be to do with him being a married man, (WHA??) but still that's the vibe that he gives off. And consider he sang little more than two lines at his VMA performance which still has people everywhere cringing, we can liken him to a Warholian-type voyeuristic pleasure seeker, way better than his original nickname which was; total fucking idiot.
Besides that thought, this is exactly the kind of thing Warhol would have loved, being the VMA performance that made everyone do a quick dash to the bathroom for a hurl and a half. It was at its utmost pure exploitation, and especially exploitation of the seemingly vulnerable. It really sickens me to liken Miley Cyrus to Edie Sedgwick, but it's a probability that I can't sidestep. Let's examine the similarities and not the differences. Sedgwick had what we like to refer to as a 'predatory father', we can also say the same for Miley. Yes, he's funny and weird, and a stage-dad/dad-a-ger what ever you want to call him, but his presence makes him seem rather creepy and always put her in the position of what Edie basically was which was a poor-little-rich-girl. She cemented her kinderwhore style at the VMA's by performing basically like a child dizzy on lemonade who just had their first wet dream. And even though she's 20, old enough to vote, but not old enough to rent a car or buy alcohol, we still see her as the young and innocent Disney product even though she's desperately been trying to break the mold. And still, acting like a hyper-sexualized kid is not what's going to do it. You either take the plunge and go full on sexually aware woman on everyone like Britney or Christina, or you stay in the Disney bubble forever and get all Mickey Rooney towards the end, and that's just sad for everybody.
What Miley symbolizes as a 'child' is similar to what Edie symbolized in her innocence amongst a sea of perverts, vagrants, and lost souls of the factory when she showed up on the scene. Not much older than Miley (22) when Warhol first took her in, it was a big change in the tempo. She resembled a small beautiful boy, almost like a Greek cherub minus the fat arms, who was going to lead everyone into the light. Unfortunately, Edie's dark side was far more morose than anyone had every anticipated and she quickly began to self destruct. It appears that the same is happening with Miley, whoever her Warholian figure is at the time, will eventually lead to her destruction, because behaving like a child whilst exploiting yourself as a full fledged sexual creature is no fun for anyone to watch. That's basically why Warhol's films are so uncomfortable to sit through.
I hate to admit it, but at the VMA's Miley did tend to resemble Edie to some degree, but only in physicality. That's where I draw the line.
If that performance reminds me of anything, it's of Warhol's Beauty #2 (1965), where Edie and another Warhol superstar; Gino Piserchio are sitting on a large bed while off-camera, a menacing voice asks Edie increasingly personal and hostile questions, while Gino keeps trying to get it on with her. That film was the essence of exploitation, particularly exploitation of innocence. And in a way, that's exactly what Miley's performance was, though perhaps she was the one who was pushing herself into all of these awkward situations, it begs the question; why are we so uncomfortable right now?
Warhol once famously said; 'if someone wants to make a movie on their life, you can do one or two, or three, for as long as they remain interesting'. Perhaps that's what's happening to Miley. She's desperate to remain in the spotlight, and is doing whatever she can, even self-exploitation (a very Warholian concept) in order to achieve it. In this sense she's more like Ingrid Superstar, and Edie clone (I don't have time to give you the history, look her up) in that she's desperately trying to be something she's not because she knows it will make her famous, or keep her famous, if only for a short period of time.
Warhol never seemed to want people to have genders, or sexuality, he wanted them to be ambiguous and yet objects of sexual desire. Edie, if you haven't noticed by now, was fraught with sexuality, even though she dressed herself up like a little boy just out of ballet practice. While on the completely opposite side of the spectrum Miley is doing her utmost to prove that she's peaked in sexual maturity. But twerking up on a 36 year old man while stick your tongue out Gene Simmons style is only going to turn people off instead of turning them on, which is what Edie was capable of doing just sitting on a stool smoking a long cigarette.
Miley's been trying too hard for years now. Remember her dancing on an stripper pole (ahem excuse me, ice cream stand pole) a couple years back to 'Party in the USA'? I don't even remember if that was the VMA's or the Teen Choice awards or some such garbage, I just remember, again, being grossed out.
Which brings me to a very interesting point. in 2000, the bar was set way high by another teen idol and former Disney product; Miss Britney Spears who was all of 19 (a year younger than Miley at the time) when she performed 'Oops...I Did It Again' which basically skyrocketed her from teeny-bopper pig-tailed jail-bait to a full fledged woman with abs that won't quit, messy sex hair, and the best damn hip-hop choreography of the that era. She ripped off her retro suit to expose a scantily clad glitter two-piece costume, basically her own version of the infamous 'skin and beads' dress Marilyn Monroe performed in when she sang Happy Birthday to President Kennedy. She owned the night that night, and people took notice that she was no longer Britney Spears with double braids and a catholic school girl uniform. She was a woman now, and she knows exactly how to move herself around. She's a sexually aware being, and get the fuck out of her way or she'll lock step your ass into the background where you belong.
Miss Spears owning it at the 2000 VMA's. Every girl watching was staring at her in awe wishing that was them up there.
Miley's choreography (which I'm sure she conceived herself) was basically her trying to be hip-hop and burlesque through the cheeseball filter all at once, and it was the most embarrassing thing I've literally ever seen. Smacking your back-up dancers, twerking on a middle aged man, and pretending your ridiculous foam finger is a giant dong is not dancing. Miley, you are no Britney, you are no Edie, you are a wannabe superstar at best, you should Google 'Ingrid Superstar' if you're reading this. Just like you, she was poor white trash from bumblefuck nowhere whom someone greater than them turned into a phenomenon, but for only those famed 15 minutes. And honey, you're clock is ticking. There's a difference between slutty and sexy, between the obscene and the erotic, the vulgar and the enticing, and Warhol was always interested in the latter. No matter how gratuitous and nudity-filled his films were, they were seldom vulgar, and if they were, it was intentional. Miley's performance was nothing short of disgusting, and Warhol, were he alive right now, wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole.
