So the production of Bohemian Rhapsody is well under way with director Bryan Singer who debuted with The Usual Suspects back in the 90's and went on to make no more good movies, and of class action lawsuit for having sex with underaged boys at his Hollywood mansion fame. Just so you know, this production went through like 18 casting changes and I don't even know how many fall outs over creative differences. Apparently the gramps with amps, leftovers of Queen; Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor want to make it more about the band than a Fred bio-pic. Let's be real, people only liked or in my case loved Queen because of Fred Mercury. He was the creative glue that gifted us with truly one of the most amazing stage presences and one that seems impossible for imitation, some of the most innovative songs in the Rock 'n Roll cannon, and an unforgettable voice making him truly one of the greatest front men of any era. And without him, the others would have faded into obscurity before the 70's even started. Sasha Baron Cohen was in line to play him and I supported that. He has a great voice as he's proved in the terrible film Les Miserables, and it's an inspiring casting decision considering he's a comic actor but has a presence and eccentricity factor akin to Mercury himself. Then they cast Ben Whishaw, I mean...whatever. Eventually it all fell on Rami Malek's gorgeously flawless shoulders, and early release photos are indicative that he's got this down. What is kind of annoying, aside from having a confirmed rapist directing a film about one of my favorite icons of music, is that Freddie has been dead for 20 years, his long time lover and life partner Jim Hutton died in 2010, and Brian and Roger are the only ones who 'want to do Freddie justice' granted, they know him very well, they were like a family, a band is a marriage blah blah blah, but it still seems like this would be their baby and their interpretation of Fred's legacy rather than an objective homage to this god-like figure. Well, we'll see. In this spirit of this highly anticipated film here's a list of other very inspired casting decisions in music bio-pics
The film culminates in Queen's iconic performance at Live Aid in 1985.
Val Kilmer as Doors frontman Jim Morrison and everyone in the supporting cast of Across the Universe can fuck off.
Also goes without saying that Jamie Foxx and Ray Charles and Angela Bassett as Tina Turner are iconic and it their performances are basically seamless. So here are some lesser-known imitators.
Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn in Coal Miner's Daughter because well yeah.
O'Shea Jackson Jr. as his own father Ice Cube in Straight Outta Compton. That's quite the responsibility, in fact I kinda dig the whole cast of the film.
Gary Oldman's premiere performance as Sid Vicious in Sid and Nancy. I remember thinking; holy shit who is that. They found his fucking twin, also they make being a junkie look pretty glamorous. Also, lest we forget, this is the film premiere of one Courtney Love. (Strangely not as Nancy Spungen).
Most bio-pics about The Beatles really suck. This isn't that. In Nowhere Boy, Aaron Taylor-Johnson plays a very young John Lennon in his art school days, wanting to start a skiffle band and reuniting with his estranged mother only to have her die in a car accident a few months later. He meets Paul McCartney and the seeds of the Beatles are planted. It's really not about the band at all, and Aaron Taylor-Johnson gives a very mature performance while being only 17 during shooting and falling in love with his director Sam Taylor-Wood...they went on to get married despite the 33 year age difference, and she went on to direct Fifty Shades of Grey...it was a simple time.
The main cast of The Runaways. Yeah Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart did Twilight movies together, but let's just forget that happened for two seconds and focus on this tiny film where no doubt the main cast had to take major salary cuts in order to play one of the most important glitter rock/punk rock cross over all-girl bands in an era of cock rock. But i'm sure Dakota and Kristen could afford it with their Twilight money to play Cherie Currie and Joan Jett respectfully. They actually nailed it. Teenage chicks in corsets and electric guitars...in the 70's...it was just so damn cool. I miss them.
professional alcoholic and pouty lip caddy John Rhys-Meyers was only 21 when he undertook the role of Bryan Slade; a Marc Bolan and David Bowie hybrid in Velvet Goldmine, hands down, one of my favorite films; one of my favorite sub-genre's of music; Glam rock. Directed by one of my favorite living filmmakers Todd Haynes, so really pretty fucking perfect.
Ewan McGregor; same movie. Curt Wild was an amalgam of two of my favorite musicians; Iggy Pop and Lou Reed. And all the other favorites I mentioned prior, so you get it.
Out of the 7 actors that played a version of Bob Dylan, Cate Blanchett definitely outshines all of them in I'm Not There (again, by Todd Haynes), not just because of the gender fluidity, but her speaking style, mannerisms, and attitude of Bob Dylan during his rock transition was absolutely something else. She should have won the Oscar that year. You know what? She should win every Oscar she's nominated for.
Oddly hot weirdo Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line was the role he was born to play. It was nuanced and really worked on, you could tell that it was almost an immersion and not an imitation.
Petit Frenchy Marion Cotillard won an Oscar for her performance of national treasure Edith Piaf. I kind of am severely in love with Edith Piaf, the first music I listened to was all of her recordings, so it's kind of an unhealthy obsession. I truly believe that no better music exists. A lot comes close but Piaf poured her heart into every song and the passion of her voice gets under your skin and grabs you by the spine. This metaphor is not making any sense. She is the greatest torch singer to ever torch sing, and the pain of her life is in every note she hits. Marion did her own singing, and she nailed the fuck out of this.
What's the first song you learned to play on guitar?
-The House of the Rising Sun
First thing you do after you get an idea for a song?
-I rub one out
What is your songwriting process?
-A lot of crying and white wine
What song took the least time to write?
-'Fuck it' in E Flat
What song took you the longest to write?
-The Libretto to Hamilton ...I wrote that.
Is this the room where you keep awards?
-Does a CPR certificate count as awards?
Who is your favorite teacher?
Graig Uhlin at NYU who taught my first Warhol class.
If you could teach one subject what would it be?
Sarcasm.
What's your favorite beverage?
Cold brew.
What's your favorite cocktail?
Anything single malt.
What's your favorite food?
Bacon.
What would you order at a drive through?
Starbucks just made a drive through near my house, so Starbucks
Best birthday cake you've ever had?
For my 28th birthday my friend got me a Strawberry Shortcake from Sweet Lady Jane in West Hollywood. They use fresh seasonal berries and make their own buttercream. It was ridiculous.
What was the last thing you baked?
Meth.
What's one thing you need to have in your fridge at all times?
Grapes.
What is one thing you still have from childhood?
A creepy horror movie looking doll.
What is your favorite TV show of all time?
Arrested Development
What is your favorite show currently on air?
Halt and Catch Fire
What is your favorite movie?
Seriously?
What movie recently made you cry your eyes out?
The Theory of Everything
Why do you think you're the most followed person on Instagram?
My Instagram account is actually a front for a brothel I run.
Have you ever Googled yourself?
Daily.
What do you think when you google yourself?
Google still hasn't learned how to spell my name.
If you had one superpower what would it be?
Mind reading.
If you were not a singer what would you be doing?
Polishing my Tony collection and doing a Scrooge McDuck dive into my giant room of money.
Cool or bizarre talent?
I can say it but you're not going to like it.
Whats something you can’t do?
There's nothing I can't do.
What is the best compliment you've ever received?
Is that Kirsten Dunst?
Whats the best gift you've ever received?
My mom got me a gold Tiffany's bean for my graduation...which I lost so when I finished grad school she got me a platinum one to teach me a lesson.
One habit you wish to break? Boys.
Do you have any nicknames?
My friend calls me Gigi because she thinks I look like Gigi Hadid, she's my favorite.
What surprises you about people?
Celebrities are really short.
What makes you laugh?
Children on leashes.
What does creativity mean to you?
Tennessee Williams.
What's most adventurous thing you've ever done?
My roommates and I did 5 sprints back and forth in Morningside Park at 2 am for exercise but I think we were drunk.
What are your favorite lyrics?
Shake your head girl, with your pony tail, takes me right back, when we were young. From 'If There is Something' by Roxy Music
One song you wish you'd written? Killer Queen by Queen
Best fan moment? I have haters not fans.
Whats your most memorable career moment? Facilitating the opening night red carpet for Cinequest
What's one accomplishment you're proud of? Graduating from Columbia University with honors.
What is one thing you want to try but are too scared to? Snake blood.
What is your spirit animal? George Clooney's pet pig.
Where should you take my wife? A swingers bar.
Advice for singers? Stop writing shit.
Do you have any pre-show rituals? I plead the 5th.
Most difficult song to perform on stage? I always think I'm going to kill Christina Aguilera on karaoke night and I'm always wrong.
How many cats are in this room? I'm allergic.
If you were a cat would you get along with your cats? No.
How many cat breeds can you name in 10 seconds? Sphynx, Main Coon, British Shorthair, Tabby, Scottish Fold, Germany.
What's the coolest thing in this room?
I have a bottle of 2010 Chateau Margaux.
What is one woman’s closet you'd raid?
Tilda Swinton
What's your favorite fashion trend? Mod eye make-up
What do you have to have in your purse besides your phone and wallet?
Eye liner.
What are you wearing to this year's Met Gala? Alexander McQueen
What did i want to do at age 5? I wanted to be a Marine Biologist I think, which is a glorified way of saying I wanted to be a SeaWorld Trainer.
What do you wish you knew at 19? Some people suck.
What is something you will not be doing in 10 years? Babies.
What is the most important life lesson? Get over it.
What can you say in another language? My favorite Hebrew expression is 'Chaval al ha Zman' it means 'waste of time' you say it sarcastically when you had a good time.
What do you love most about the town you grew up in? That the Nazi's tried to take it and we were too badass to give it up.
What is the bravest thing you've ever done? Admitted I loved someone.
What's the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Drugs?
What is your one most important goal?
To have my play produced.
What is your favorite scented candle? Bond #9 Sag Harbor.
Remember the 90's? I do. I was raised in that decade. Unambitious Gen-X'rs, Presidential sex scandals, a surplus economy, and Kurt Cobain? What we who remember the 90's wouldn't do to go back to that. National Geographic called it the last great decade, and seeing where things are right now, I think they were right. Anyway here's a range of things some superficial, some cataclysmic, that influenced my adolescence. In no particular order:
The Craft.
Let's be honest, who didn't play light as a feather stiff as a board after watching this cataclysmic 90's chick flick about teenage witches? But mostly it was all about the fashion for me, and the appropriation of a lot of 70's songs. Nancy Downs was my girl, I'll fight anyone who says different.
Silverchair.
Of all the alt-rock post-grunge music that dominated the airwaves of the 90's, this band from down under definitely spoke to my soul, and perhaps not until their third album release; Neon Ballroom, but we all fell in love with Daniel Johns if we grew up in the 90's. In fact I think that's exactly when I started puberty was seeing the video for Anthem for the Year 2000.
Colin Quinn on Weekend Update.
Argue all you want. I think that he is the best person to do Weekend Update on SNL, maybe with Tina and Amy as a close second. He was brash, sarcastic, and snarky AF. He gave zero fucks, and never broke character. One of my favorite Weekend Update guests of the Colin Quinn era is Will Ferrel's frat guy...you don't even know! :)
Goth chic.
Yeah I was a bit alternative in middle school. When all the girls were wearing body glitter I was wearing dark lipsticks and fishnet stalkings and t-shirt that said 'Fuck Grunge'. I thought I was so bad ass. Whether we like it or not goth chic and general 90's fashion is coming back, for got knows what reason, but if you were really into it like me you spent most of your time at the now defunct Hot Topic.
Empire Records.
Most girls my age would probably go the Clueless route, but this film I watched at another 90's archaic behavior; a sleepover, and it was magical. Everything is dated AF such as, oh I don't know setting the whole film in a record store. But look that the principle cast, they couldn't be more 90's if they tried. Say no more mon amour.
TOW With the Prom Video.
I hope you remember oh I don't know, the BEST episode of Friends ever? Season 2, 1995...where we were introduced to perhaps the most heartbreaking and beautiful thing to happen to sitcoms. Monica and Rachel find an old video of themselves getting ready for prom just when Rachel is severely mad at Ross, but what she didn't know is that he completely embarassed himself in trying to help her. They make up and every thing was right in TV land. Nice dresses ladies.
Knee high leather Doc Martins.
The prerequisite of cool in the 90's was doc martins. Now there were many incarnations, but my personal favorite was the knee high black boots. I never left the house without them. They were clunky and heavy, and very threatening.
Hole.
As a marginalized teenager who didn't listen to top 40, Courtney Love and her band really spoke to me, perhaps even more than her legendary late husband. Nirvana was very male centric, and even though it was at times problematic, it was akin to reading Sylvia Plath. it was the first real feminist presence I remember being into. Fuck Lilith Fair.
Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding.
Even if you gave zero shits about figure skating you remember this clear as a bell. Supreme ice princess Nancy Kerrigan was whacked in the knee by what we found out later to be Tonya Harding (her arch rival) and her goons. Though they have all been charged and prosecuted, Tonya has yet to admit culpability, but honestly who cares. The media rode that wave all the way to the Olympics in Lillehammer where NEITHER of them won, and it was a Lifetime movie you couldn't have written.
Christina Aguilera's Stupid Red Streaks.
The reason I'm not juxtaposing a picture of myself with a cheap salon version of this pic is because I have dignity left, screw that, it's really because I can't find it. But I for real loved this look. Little did I know that Christina was just getting warmed up in the questionable fashion statement idiom.
Silver Body Paint.
Ever since the Red Hot Chili Peppers video for Give it Away Now premiered, I like many was intrigued. Have you ever tried it in real life? That shit hurts. But hey it was a fun conversation starter at raves, and no Rihanna did not invent it. Sorry ya'll.
Bill Clinton...duh.
Way before Obama, if you were a kid when Clinton was first released, it was amazing. We'd never had a cool President before. He wore Ray-Bans, played the saxophone on Arsenio Hall, and always had some smooth hillbilly logic to throw our way. Blow job, Shmow job, he was a hell of a president. I miss him.
Take off that stupid fucking shirt. You're her 'boyfriend' not a 12 year old girl at her concert.
Happy America day and all that...on to something in pop culture that is more ridiculous and offensive than Trump...I'm kidding, nothing is. I don't usually take a vapid interest in celebrities' love lives, in fact I've come to believe that everything is just one giant PR stunt. Especially when it come to Taylor Swift. Whereas prior I thought she dated guys or material (you definitely see more candid paparazzi photos right before a new album of hers comes out) I'm starting to think that she just desperately wants the publicity.
Instead of writing yet ANOTHER break up song or for that matter break up album...she should write a song called 'My Vagina's Magic'. It has a nice ring to it, and I'm convinced some kind o witchery is involved to bag a Hiddleston. Up to this point, her revolving door of boyfriends have been meh at best. Not exactly prime breeding material. But great for her next basic bitch anthem.
She's got a blank space baby...and she'll write your name...Hiddleston if you don't get the fuck out.
Apart from basically all reasons that make them incompatible, let's consider this. Tom Hiddleston went to RADA and appeared in many Shakespeare plays at the Old Vic before breaking into film, I'm not trying to be elitist, but TS is not exactly in his intellectual group. I can't even imagine what they talk about. After watching a few of her interviews I'm going to say something to do with her cats?
Now he's spending time with her girl squad. The pictures honestly make him look like that really creepy dude in his thirties who hangs out with millenials...which is kind of exactly the case.
Another thing; if you went on twitter the other day, what's trending? Not the Turkey airport bombing, not Bagdad, but Hiddleston's ridiculous tank top. Little backstory, I'll try to give it to you without getting nauseous. Grown man, college graduate, esteemed actor Tom Hiddleston wore an I Heart TS t-shirt. For the love of god. The internet couldn't stop being embarrassed for him. I've done a few embarrassing things in my life...ok a lot of embarrassing things, but I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed via third party.
Where exactly in this group of fools does Hiddleston fit? Go stand in between Karlie Kloss and Gigi Hadid, it will make you look like even more of an asshole.
Did they have some kind of sleepover the night prior and Hiddleston got talked into some kind of dare? Did they then retreat to Taylor's mansion where they painted his nails and braided his hair? Come on Tom, you're a grown man not that creeper at the bar who hits on girls half his age. Please don't tell me they made you drink cosmopolitans either. It was just ghastly and wrong, and there goes my witchery angle. No way in hell does a man that is respected in the arts, that's a RADA graduate, a serious actor, who votes and pays taxes behave like that. Taylor's vagina must really be magic. Either that or her squad knows some serious brain washing techniques. If so, Urban Outfitters (known for making ridiculously offensive T-shirts) needs to put out a 'Free Hiddleston' t-shirt, overpriced cotton-poly blend, and extra soft? Get on that because this has quickly devolved from ridiculous to embarrassing to just plain sad.
The two supposedly met at the Met Gala, but I have a feeling Taylor hunted him down right after her and Calvin called it quits, and made sure that a photographer was there. I mean who can resist a gothy skinny bitch who can't dance?
They've been officially online for like only a month, and for this short time, they've done nothing but profuse PDA for the camera. We know more about their relationship than they probably know about each other. And in that short time, they've met each other's parents, and have traveled all over the world. Something doesn't smell right.
Post script: There might not be that much to freak out about. There is a lot going around the interwebs that the whole thing is a Joaquin Phoenix I'm Still Here piece of performance art. Hiddleston is a fabulous actor after all. If so, I'm very excited for the basic AF music video...do I sound jealous? I'm so not jealous.
Let's be real. Were any of us rooting for these two to settle down and make horrifically basic babies? Half country bumpkin, half awkward trust fund do-nothing? Too soon? Not really because we really did see it all coming. And if you didn't you're a liar. I've been of the opinion now for a while that Taytay dates solely for the purpose of material. And hey she's young, I mean by Southern standards, she's an old maid, but since when was she actually country? Those cowboy boots were more hipster than Nashville.
Hey remember when this was 'texting'? Me neither, and definitely not you Taylor.
That lady needs some counseling, I mean we all do, but that's not always how you deal with grief, and boyfriend problems. And if you lead a real life (which she doesn't) are not real grief. Get on some Lexapro, take up pottery, and please stop air your period-blood soaked dirty laundry into all of our ears. It got old right around the John Mayer era. Look at bands like ABBA, Fleetwood Mac, Sonny and Cher for chrissake. Rumors (by Fleetwood Mac) was an album made by and for people cheating on each other. It's one of the greatest albums of all time, and 'Don't Stop' was President Bill Clinton's campaign song. Can you picture a Swift song being in a campaign? Didn't think so.
One album. 11 songs. Perfect. Done and done.
You are far from writing about real heartache sister. Please give it a rest. You're not Billie Holiday, Etta James, or even Amy Winehouse. 'Back in Black' is towers above any garbage about the grab bag of celebrities that you've ever dated. And that's one song...against your entire career. Sorry love. And I hate to say this but it's what we're all thinking...Maybe it's not them, maybe it's you sugar plum. If you've had a bad break up with every single person you've dated maybe you're the problem.
I will give you this one - you finally found a teensy bit of heart, and a really cool beat (which you sampled from an 80's synthesizer) in 'Out of the Woods' off of 1989 (I can't say that without gagging, excuse me). And it's a very beautiful song, reflecting on how we all as women have felt in our relationship, not just us in high school or even middle school. It wasn't 'why won't he call me back? This totally sucks, I can't even' which is basically the stripped down narrative to most of her music. it's written about a not-so -secret crush of mine Harry Styles (formerly of One Direction) Go ahead and judge, I reject your judgement. He, in turn, wrote 'Perfect' about her ...allegedly.
'And if you're looking for someone to write your break up songs about, baby I'm perfect' Nailed it.
Please spare us a Calvin Harris record. Courtney Love even refused to do a 'widow record' after Kurt Cobain died, even though there was a lot of pressure from her label. So how about putting that laundry back in a dark closet and just generally keeping your mouth shut for a while. And I've seen your interviews. Don't tell me songs were 'sometimes too hard to write' like you're Dylan Thomas or somebody. You're a millenial who serial dates. There's about a billion of them. God help you if you ever get a Tinder account. Actually that might be unintentionally campy and amazing. Please do a Tinder date horror story record. I am begging you now. It will be way more interesting than the whiney basic stuff you've been shoving down our throats for over 6 years now.
Below clips:
Taylor at the height of her pretentiousness, totally ripped off Lana Del Rey's 'Born to Die'.
Amy Winehouse explains the lyrics to the haunting 'Back to Black' produced by Mark Ronson.
One Direction's performs 'Perfect' at the AMA's. Probably the only song about Taytay to throw some shade. Because most people just don't give a shit anymore.
Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably have heard the term 'basic' or it's more prevalent incarnation; 'basic bitch' applied to someone, usually someone you're not a big fan of. I think 'basic' stretches to much more than pumpkin spiced latte's and Cosmo tips. Sadly, it probably applies to most if not all millenials. As someone born in 1984 (there I said it), I was born kind of on the cusp, and don't really know where to place myself. The generation before me was awesome; Gen-X? Everything Portlandia is nostalgic about? Yeah great. Grunge music, clown college, contentment at being unambitious, sleeping until 11...ok now I'm just playing the theme song in my head. Then came us...people born in the early-mid 80's. I think they called us Gen-Y because there was no term for us, and we really didn't have a place in this world. On that logic, I would say millenials are anyone born in 1990 and up. The reasoning for this being, those of us that came into this world in the decade preceding it remember a lot of shit that seems totally foreign to let's say...Kendall Jenner (ps, if you follow her on Instagram, you're basic). Ask her to dial a rotary phone. I bet you it would be hilarious.
Mean Girls ...porn for Basic Bitches
The millenial generation is one of entitlement. It's very much the me-me-me generation. Selfies were born from technology made for millenials, and as much as Mark Zuckerberg himself is not a millenial, Facebook is definitely a product for them; those starved for attention and a need to broadcast almost everything.
Going back to my generation, if I could label it ANYTHING, it would be the Fucked Generation. We really were. By the time most of us graduated college, the economy was lodged in the toilet, and a year later it had been flushed down along with many hopes and dreams. We overpaid for our overpriced education so we could have a degree from an elite school that no one deems anything more than 'fancy degrees', and no amount of Instagram selfies, viral videos, or followers on Pinterest were going to save us. Tuition was at an all time high, and employment was at an all time low. A lot of us took jobs that we were way too good for with hardly any salary, but I digress.
I think this excludes us from being basic because we have more important shit right now, and a lot of us (myself excluded because fuck it) are raising families and have no time to think of the perfect hashtag...I remember when that was just called a pound sign yeesh.
Entitlement is not in our blood because we had to scrap for everything in adult life. We thereby have some sense of dignity. Living in the epicenter of the tech capital, Silicon Valley I'm subject to a lot of basic. It's more of a generational thing than a lifestyle thing. And by the way, if you're a hipster who brews their own beer, and only drinks PBR because you think you know what 'bourgeoise' means...guess what you're BASIC. And stop throwing around the term 'artisanal' like you give a shit. Who cares if the coffee comes from a ridiculous contraption at a corner store in Brooklyn hand pressed for 3 hours by some tattoo'd 40-year-old who loves being a professional barista or from a Bodega on Crenshaw, just drink it.
An artisanal basic bitch hipster, who dresses like a hobo but has a trust fund and spends all of his money on anachronistic Sherlock Holmes pipes. And those mom jeans? 400$.
I am aware I'm coming off like I'm saying that I did things before they were cool, which is the ultimate hipster battle cry, but in my various interactions, I'm lucky not to have choked on too much basic. Once in a while, I stumble upon a basic bitch who tells me that she went to Coachella because she got to dress up all 'bohemian and stuff'. And it hurts my heart.
Side note: I especially hate how Taylor Swift who's latest album breaks records every day (or used to) called it 1989 even though she spent 5 days in 1989. As if to escape from her basicness. That's an insult to everyone who was actually born in the 80's. 1989? Really? Did ya see the Berlin Wall come down? Didn't think so. Stop trying to resurrect an era you know nothing about. And your music videos are basic AF, just so you know.
Yes, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when this happened. Do you? Or did you watch it on The People vs. OJ Simpson?
So before you go on how you 'can't even', remember that there were people whom you call 'old' who are in their 30's now who remember a time when they had so much student debt that they couldn't even, and that was an actual struggle. I'm reminded of the Louis CK joke about how people in their 20's stand around thinking if they just stand around and hate their job someone will appear and be like 'well let's make you a director then, that's how that works'. And no I don't want to go wine tasting with you. I know you make more money than I do, but I've been to Italy, and to France, and to Napa, and I know the difference between a Bordeaux and a Burgundy. Unless you're paying. So if you're reading this, and you're basic, get your butt back on Pinterest. Those weddings to your imaginary boyfriend yet aren't going to plan themselves. Oooof, that was a lot of shade but I do feel better.
I did not make this brilliant poster art. I'm not creative enough.
We all cried our eyes out when Zayn quit One Direction seven months ago. I know I couldn't eat, sleep, or start a sentence without breaking into tears for weeks. It was worse than when Gerry left the Spice Girls...or when the Beatles broke up. I still can't even. I've lost all ability to even. We all know that the magic boy band formula calls for 5 as the magic number, and 4 is bullshit. Joey Justin Chris Jc and Lance. Nick Brian Kevin Howie and AJ. Niall Louis Harry Liam and ZAYN. For fuck's sake. You can't just ask me to cut off 1/5th of the magic formula, then it's not so magical anymore, think about it.
I feel like the world has gone crazy and I want off. Louis is pregnant, Zayn quit the group. What's next? Harry dates Taylor Swift? Wait, that already happened. Motherfuck. Just the name of the band suggest that no one is allowed to quit and stays there until the bitter end...much like the Pope. Wait, the last Pope quit didn't he. What is happening?
Oh to be that dude that has to photoshop Zayn out of group photos for a living.
Now what am I supposed to do with that lower back tattoo of the first cover art of 'Up All Night' with all of their names written in cursive underneath? Tattoo a 'no longer there' above 'Zayn'? No! I'm in enough pain as it is. I'm telling you, people. Prepare yourself for the worst. Louis is going to have a baby and probably going to have to quit next. Then I know Harry's going to cave because he's this close to his own record deal and is too young and shiny to pass that up. Then who have we got Niall and Liam, what is it going to be a Sonny and Cher kind of thing? One of them is going to have to learn a folk instrument and I'm not sticking around to watch either of them struggle with a ukulele. Clearly my entire life is flashing before my eyes, and I'm thinking the worst because that's how I'm programmed. But I can't see a functioning world without One Direction. Who else believes they're single-handedly responsibly for stimulating our economy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? ...Harry Styles for President? Too far? Yeah that's too far.
The male pop superstar recipe calls for 5 members, and 4 just doesn't taste as good.
But you know what America? We're a nation of survivors and we're going to make it through this. It's been 7 months, and just like someone in AA would i've been counting the days of how long I've gone without Zayn. I have my tough moments but I have a 1D sponsor that I can call and they'll come over and play 'The Story of My Life' at full volume while they force feed me cookie dough and everything returns to normal. And if retrospect if any of them was going to quit first (which is an inevitability in the boy band universe) I'm fine with it being Zayn. My holy trinity is Harry Louis and Niall. I think Niall's the Holy Ghost but I'm not sure. I think that the rest of the world agrees with me. Had it been Liam, there would be rioting. And let's be real, unlike BSB and 'N Sync, One Direction doesn't need 5 voices to harmonize. In case you hadn't lost ALL respect for me just yet, let me enlighten you. Justin is a lead tenor, JC is a high tenor, Chris is a counter tenor, Joey is a baritone and Lance Bass is all about the bass (lame puns rear their ugly head). Clearly they all studied opera because together those 5 voices make a beautiful harmony that hypnotizes girls in their teens to spend millions of their parents' money. I know One Direction can sing, but they're not as chemically inclined as the rest, put it that way if that makes sense. Ok fine, THEY CAN'T SING. Do I care?? Does anyone? What I'm saying is that since the release of their first single since Zayn's departure I can't tell the difference. Sounds the same. I just miss his face. I'd grown so accustomed to it (musical theater reference, what.)
Below, videos from the good ol' days. I can barely bring myself to watch their new videos, not only because I can't in public for fear of being ostracized by society but because my heart still hasn't recovered from the loss.
No preface, just inspired by the 'I'm That Jew' slam poetry super cut. As OITNB's Cindy said 'It feels good to be chosen'. PS. I omitted iconic members of my tribe like Spielberg, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jonah Hill, etc. I just don't have that much time. Pouring out a glass of Manischewitz for my homies...
That Tattoo'd and Can't Be Buried in a Jewish Cemetery Jew...
Adam Levine
The My Mother is Jewish Therefore I'm Jewish Jew...
James Franco
That Really Annoying Giggly Jew...
Natalie Portman
That Hotter Beyond All Reason Jew...
Mila Kunis
That Bad Boy Jew...
Sean Penn
That Original Bad Boy Jew...
Robert Downey Jr.
That Giggles and Ha-Ha's Jew...
Andy Samberg
That Still Funny After All This Time Jew...
David Schwimmer (Pivot!)
That Uber Nerd Jew...
Jesse Eisenberg
That Head of a Reality TV Empire Jew...
Andy Cohen
That All Too Jewish Looking Jew...
Adrien Brody
That Not Jewish Looking At All Jew...
Alicia Silverstone
That Still Hot For Nearly 50 Jew...
Sarah Silverman
That Still Hot and In His 60's Jew...
Jeff Goldblum (Life uh uh...finds a way. And, you're welcome)
That British Jew...
Daniel Radcliffe
That Other British Jew...
Andrew Garfield
That Voice of a Generation Jew...
Amy Schumer
That He Grew Up Nice Jew...
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
That Gone All Too Soon Jew...
Amy Winehouse
That Hot for Four Decades Jew...
Jennifer Connelly
That Soviet Defector Russian Jew...
Sergey Brin (Holla! ...or Challah!)
That OG Hot Jew...
Dustin Hoffman
That Get Your Hands Off Him That's My Husband Jew...
Joaquin Phoenix
That Get Your Hands Off Her That's My Wife Jew...
Rashida Jones
That I Did It All For America Jew...
Evan Lysacek
That No I Will Not Quaf My Jew-Fro Jew...
Slash
That Hug It Out Bitch Jew...
Jeremy Piven
That Somewhat Menacing Jew...
Jake Gylenhaal
That One Jew to Rule Them All Jew...
That Reason For Your Sexual Awakening Jew...
The My Mom Made Me Include Him On This List Jew...
Seth Rogen
That Seth Rogen's Best Friend and Perfect Jew Jew...
