The Battle of the Tennis Movies

LaBeouf and Gudnason.

TIFF just opened its doors and premiered with the anticipated Borg/McEnroe with Hollywood's favorite bad boy de jour Shia LaBeouf as the favorite bad boy of tennis John McEnroe, and newcomer (at least to American Cinema) Sverrir Gudnason as Björn Borg; the machine. This film (bio-pic what have you) is about the 1980 Wimbeldon match. The first Wimbeldon and Borg in his record-breaking 5th. It was perhaps the most important match of 21 year old's McEnroe's career and just so happened to be the first out of the gate. He was the only thing standing between Borg and a record of 5 straight Singles Men's Wimbeldon wins. This is all before McEnroe started a reputation of yelling at referees, throwing rackets, and just turning the whole sport into a spectacle. Don't get me wrong, he's talented AF, so the spectacle was still one hell of a sport to watch when McEnroe was playing it. That's perhaps why LaBeouf was cast. Perhaps they are kindred spirits. The film premiered a few nights ago, and LaBeouf received almost universal praise for his portrayal of the tennis legend even though he looked nothing like him nor really played tennis.  

The real Borg and McEnroe minutes before their showdown. Costume and makeup are going to get major props for this. 

LaBeouf is a damn good actor (as tired as that hyperbole is), and yeah I said it so you know where I stand. I haven't seen the film yet, but I'm optimistic as hell. Everything about it looks like those great sports movies that used to exist in the 80's before Disney had to go fuck it all up; one word - Miracle. 

The only person that didn't praise his performance was the man himself, shocker. But I also want to see if Sverrir was any good and coming from a Swedish/Icelandic background I'm sure he's a machine, much like Borg. But what I really want to touch on and provide a good segway into the next film is the idea of sports films. In the 80's you had really great sports films; from Chariots of Fire (which started the trend), to The Natural, to Hoop Dreams, to Breaking Away.  It all climaxed with Field of Dreams, and then it all went to shit. And my generation was stuck with crap like Blue Crush, Hot Shots! and fucking Varsity Blues. What the hell happened there? I'm not big into sports but my god. Yeah, have a protagonists perhaps two and make it about the primal struggle which is basically what sports is. It's about winning and losing, no philosophy, no fuss. Just simple human competition. That's drama right there. I believe that these two films are going to restore that void that's been missing in cinema. Some sports moments last forever. One of which that I'm sure everyone has heard about is the Miracle on Ice in 1980 when team USA beat the Soviet Union in the Olympics. Basically accomplishing the impossible hence the term 'miracle on ice'. Thanks Disney for ruining it for a generation that never got to live through that or experience the actual brilliance of that moment. (I didn't live through it either, but I've seen the actual footage and it was way more intense and dramatic).

The media was right there capturing every insane moment leading up to the Battle of the Sexes.

Anyway! Speaking of another thing I didn't live through (I was born in '85, ok gimme a break, I'm not that old, but I do know my history) was the Battle of the Sexes. It was a tennis match, and that's what they called it. It is also being screened at TIFF and stars Emma Stone (whatever) as feminist icon and tremendous tennis player Billie Jean King and Steve Carell as Bobby Riggs; the has-been, outlandish and flamboyant champion from a million years ago pinned in a battle of man vs. woman, which really did turn the game into a spectacle when he challenged the former to a tennis match in 1973 basically to make an extra buck and draw attention to himself. Billie Jean King reluctantly accepted, and Bobby Riggs would not stop spouting chauvinist rhetoric at her just to get people's ire up. Billie Jean King was in her prime, and with an actual battle of the sexes going on in society at the time, this tennis match drew a great deal of attention and King's inevitable victory meant a great deal to the American feminist movement. She went from icon to legend. I'm not sure if Emma Stone is the best casting, but unlike Shia LaBeouf, the original that she was portraying gave her a wonderful review.

The real Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs posing for a publicity still. 

I'm excited for both films. I feel like Battle of the Sexes is going to be more of a politically skewed film that deals with the zeitgeist of the times and heavily pushes the second wave of feminism movement of that period, and Borg/McEnroe is going to be a much darker psychological exploration of athleticism and dreams; accomplished and broken. Both sound great to me and I'm really stoked. 

Another film that may redeem the genre is the upcoming Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan biopic; I, Tonya starring Margot Robbie as Tonya Harding, which I actually did live through. And I really can't wait for that one because when that whole shit went down, I was actually a figure skater myself. Granted I was 8, but I never lost interest in the sport. If a film can make you fall in love with a sport that you otherwise don't care about, they've done their job. 

Trailers for both films below: 

Honest (Interprative) Oscar Best Picture Noms

Schizophrenic Batman

The GOP Approves This Message

Fake Noses Win Oscars (Right Nicole Kidman?)

Wes Anderson Presents: Quirky Ralph Fiennes 

Hot and Smart Brits You Want to Bone

Varsity Blues: The Musical 

Eddie Redmayne's Eye-Acting

Selma is Amazing. Not going to be snarky here. 

The Hottest of the US Olympic Swim Team

Let's face it, there's no such thing as an ugly Olympic swimmer. With those crazy Greek statue bodies, and million-dollar smiles, they're irresistible. Yes, they look like sperm swimming up and down their lanes, but when they surface and smack that water like a bitch when they win the 400 meter relay, it's pretty damn hot, because all of their insanely cut muscles flex. Also, I don't mind those tight really, really really low-rise spandex shorts that they have to wear to make themselves more aerodynamic.

With news that Michael Phelps has now, with 20 gold medals, become the world's most successful Olympian of all time, more attention has been focused on the men's Olympic swim team than Ryan Lochte's ridiculous grillz. They are giving horny girls everywhere another reason to chant 'U-S-A! U-S-A!' before excusing themselves to their bedrooms to rub it to a picture of Phelps...from the neck down. They are the rock stars of Olympic sports, and for the sake of degradation of the male population, I've put them in order from hottest to not so hottest, because there's no such thing as an gross man on the US Olympic swim team. I mean, they shave everywhere, ladies. It's like that Louis CK joke about musicians; you would expect at least one of them to be ugly but...fuckin' zero. So because there's 24 of them on the team and only 10 spots on my countdown some of the lovely mermen have been left off, but don't feel bad for them, they'll comfort themselves with gold medals, especially you Phelps. I know you're the greatest Olympian that ever lived, but you didn't make the cutoff. No pun intended. Here we go!

10. Peter Vanderkaay. This Royal-Oak native has that meat-head yet geek thing going for him, where his neck is as thick as his head, but he's slightly on the cock-eyed side. And his smile is simply adorbs. He gets the awww-how-cute vote. He's a jock you want to snuggle.

9. Nathan Adrian. I remember my BFF (you know who you are) railing against Gabby Douglas' nickname being racist (the media calls her 'the flying squirrel') which is nothing compared to what this boy deals with as part of his multicultural heritage. Being half-Chinese apparently his teammates refer to him as 'Bok-Choy' which is highly offensive and ridiculous, but joke's on them, because this boy's genes clearly do him good.

8. Conor Dwyer. At only 23, this guy is a giant. He's 6'5 ya'll...that's two inches away from being declared legally a giant...I think, whateves I don't know. I mean he could pick you up with one hand and then lift you over his head. And then swallow you whole for the protein. Sexy? As hell.

7. Matt Grevers. This one is one of my favorites. You thought Conor was big, this guy's 6'8. I feel like it would hurt my neck to cock it up high enough to make out with him but I'm willing to take the risk, even if it means my being in a neck-brace for a month. BTW, what he's doing in the picture is exactly what I'm talking about...celebrate-flexing. Should that be a sport unto itself? I vote yes. Matt, make out with me!

6. Brendan Hansen. Ladies, doesn't this look like the cover of a romance novel from the mid-90's? What I love the most is he's not this hugely built jock type. He's pretty tone and slender (comparatively) and he's got that awesome, I don't know what to call it, but it's so awesome. As you can see it's becoming hard to form sentences because I'm getting flustered, but it's that thing below a guy's waste, it looks like a fancy 'V' it's just, it's awesome.

5. Ryan Lochte. Alright, here he is. You happy? I know you've been waiting just to find him on the list and here. I put him on the countdown. ok? Let's not deny it, he's dumber than a frat party after 2am, but this list isn't called 'the top ten poet laureates of all time' is it? He's so much fun to watch as long as I don't have to hear him speak...or see his grillz. Just photoshop those out and put him on mute.

4. Ricky Berens. 5 o'clock shadow - check, perfect set of pearly white teeth - check, beautiful head of thick brown hair - check, chestnut eyes that burn into your very soul - check. The end.

3. Anthony Ervin. When I was watching the trials, I already had my eye on this one. He caught my attention immediately. You know I love a guy who's inked up and has a bad-boy swagger but with a sensitive side, and that's basically Ervin in a nutshell. He's older and more seasoned, but just as talented and driven. Also, did I mention he can like a dolphin on steroids?

2. Eric Shanteau. Talk about a baby face on a body built for sin...and gold medals, Shanteau is simply delicious. He's got a beautiful physique coupled with a pair of gorgeous, innocent eyes, I was instantly a fan. Also, it seems like his swim trunks are way tighter than everyone else's. No complaints. He also looks way younger than he is. Seemingly on the younger end of the team, he's actually 28. And I like how he 'hangs out' in the pool more than usual. Just catchin' some chemical bath before the next race, like a boss.

1. Cullen Jones. And the #1 Greek god in a slew of ridiculously super-human looking men is Cullen Jones. Perfection. That's all I have to say. Fast, smooth, silky, tone, dimply, delicate, sensual, seductive, mouth-watery perfection. I have to finish now...no pun intended.

Now, clean yourself up and watch this!