What is Hashtag Basic?

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably have heard the term 'basic' or it's more prevalent incarnation; 'basic bitch' applied to someone, usually someone you're not a big fan of. I think 'basic' stretches to much more than pumpkin spiced latte's and Cosmo tips. Sadly, it probably applies to most if not all millenials. As someone born in 1984 (there I said it), I was born kind of on the cusp, and don't really know where to place myself. The generation before me was awesome; Gen-X? Everything Portlandia is nostalgic about? Yeah great. Grunge music, clown college, contentment at being unambitious, sleeping until 11...ok now I'm just playing the theme song in my head. Then came us...people born in the early-mid 80's. I think they called us Gen-Y because there was no term for us, and we really didn't have a place in this world. On that logic, I would say millenials are anyone born in 1990 and up. The reasoning for this being, those of us that came into this world in the decade preceding it remember a lot of shit that seems totally foreign to let's say...Kendall Jenner (ps, if you follow her on Instagram, you're basic). Ask her to dial a rotary phone. I bet you it would be hilarious. 

Mean Girls ...porn for Basic Bitches

The millenial generation is one of entitlement. It's very much the me-me-me generation. Selfies were born from technology made for millenials, and as much as Mark Zuckerberg himself is not a millenial, Facebook is definitely a product for them; those starved for attention and a need to broadcast almost everything. 

I remember newspapers, I remember internet cafés, phone books, caller ID, etc. That doesn't mean I'm not basic. I don't follow Kendall, but I do follow Gigi Hadid, and yes I use Instagram for selfies. Crucify me. I think basic stretches beyond going to Coachella rather than the Met Opera House, reading Cosmo instead of The New York Times, and pumpkin everything. 

Going back to my generation, if I could label it ANYTHING, it would be the Fucked Generation. We really were. By the time most of us graduated college, the economy was lodged in the toilet, and a year later it had been flushed down along with many hopes and dreams. We overpaid for our overpriced education so we could have a degree from an elite school that no one deems anything more than 'fancy degrees', and no amount of Instagram selfies, viral videos, or followers on Pinterest were going to save us. Tuition was at an all time high, and employment was at an all time low. A lot of us took jobs that we were way too good for with hardly any salary, but I digress. 

I think this excludes us from being basic because we have more important shit right now, and a lot of us (myself excluded because fuck it) are raising families and have no time to think of the perfect hashtag...I remember when that was just called a pound sign yeesh. 

Entitlement is not in our blood because we had to scrap for everything in adult life. We thereby have some sense of dignity. Living in the epicenter of the tech capital, Silicon Valley I'm subject to a lot of basic. It's more of a generational thing than a lifestyle thing. And by the way, if you're a hipster who brews their own beer, and only drinks PBR because you think you know what 'bourgeoise' means...guess what you're BASIC. And stop throwing around the term 'artisanal' like you give a shit. Who cares if the coffee comes from a ridiculous contraption at a corner store in Brooklyn hand pressed for 3 hours by some tattoo'd 40-year-old who loves being a professional barista or from a Bodega on Crenshaw, just drink it.

An artisanal basic bitch hipster, who dresses like a hobo but has a trust fund and spends all of his money on anachronistic Sherlock Holmes pipes. And those mom jeans? 400$.

I am aware I'm coming off like I'm saying that I did things before they were cool, which is the ultimate hipster battle cry, but in my various interactions, I'm lucky not to have choked on too much basic. Once in a while, I stumble upon a basic bitch who tells me that she went to Coachella because she got to dress up all 'bohemian and stuff'. And it hurts my heart. 

Side note: I especially hate how Taylor Swift who's latest album breaks records every day (or used to) called it 1989 even though she spent 5 days in 1989. As if to escape from her basicness. That's an insult to everyone who was actually born in the 80's. 1989? Really? Did ya see the Berlin Wall come down? Didn't think so. Stop trying to resurrect an era you know nothing about. And your music videos are basic AF, just so you know.

Yes, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when this happened. Do you? Or did you watch it on The People vs. OJ Simpson?

So before you go on how you 'can't even', remember that there were people whom you call 'old' who are in their 30's now who remember a time when they had so much student debt that they couldn't even, and that was an actual struggle. I'm reminded of the Louis CK joke about how people in their 20's stand around thinking if they just stand around and hate their job someone will appear and be like 'well let's make you a director then, that's how that works'. And no I don't want to go wine tasting with you. I know you make more money than I do, but I've been to Italy, and to France, and to Napa, and I know the difference between a Bordeaux and a Burgundy. Unless you're paying. So if you're reading this, and you're basic, get your butt back on Pinterest. Those weddings to your imaginary boyfriend yet aren't going to plan themselves. Oooof, that was a lot of shade but I do feel better. 

Below clips to better illustrate my point:

Behind Bars with Pipes

The girls of Litchfield Correctional Facility return for some serious Season 2 hijinks.

The crazily long-awaited return of Orange is the New Black came to pass last week as we all watched our smartphones to vibrate with a message from Netflix that the whole new season is up and running. Then we collectively sneaked into the bathroom on our cigarette breaks to watch snippets of the first episode on the can. Even IMDB got in on the fun posting an animated ribbon on it’s front page with the entire main cast which is around 16 to 20 girls seemingly reacting to something gross and atrocious.

Crazy Eyes partying it up with Taystee.

            Orange is the New Black has had as much of an impact on the female TV audience as something like True Detective had on the male audience. But unlike the latter it doesn’t take itself so seriously that you have to google books anything on existentialism after every episode. The unbridled ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude speaks volumes to girls and out of the incredibly vast and diverse cast of the show, there is someone for everyone to relate to, and at times we find ourselves relating to all of the characters…except for perhaps Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning).  Me? I’m a cross between Chapman (duh), Big Boo, and Poussay…but it depends on the day. A lot of the time I’m feeling the plight of Red the Russian mob ringer (Kate Mulgrew) ('It's fucking funny!'). But there’s an inmate for every mood. And that’s what makes the show so endearing. The troubles of the characters which on the surface might seem alien to us because most of us have never done time, are at the same time universal, because we’ve all struggled and done things we shouldn’t have, and now are striving to find redemption.

A big part of the reason I couldn't wait for this season is to see how it works out with Daya and Bennett; hottest prison guard this side of scripted TV.

            So when you think about it, the show’s very simple in that respect, and it’s entertaining; the two main cornerstones of TV. I don’t need to peel back all the layers of Rustin’s inner demons on True Detective like I’m a philosophy post-doc. If a show can make you laugh hysterically and cry like no one’s watching within the same hour, that’s a good show. And finally there’s something on TV that treats women more than just the whore the mother or the wife…am I right Mad Men? I mean seriously, it’s the 21^st century and we’re still disenfranchised playing second fiddle to middle-aged white men with problems. I know that TV is inherently frightened about shows that cater to and center around women, especially one with a cast of ONLY women (with the exception of Jason Biggs…and Pornstache), but that’s folly because apparently, as Orange has proved there’s a huge niche in the market for that. I mean, we DO make up half of the country’s populace, and you can’t play us off with Peggy Olsen anymore.

One endearing lesson this show teaches us that whether weathering a storm or living large, in prison or in St. Tropez, ya gotta have friends.

But aside from all the politics, what’s great about the show are the characters and the actors who play them. Aside from resurrecting the careers of long forgotten actors such as Natasha Lyonne, Taryn Manning, and Laura Prepon, the show is basically a who’s who of newbies and hot young upper-and-comers. With the resurgence of female protagonist shows like Orange, Scandal, and even Bates Motel, we might find redemption yet like we had in the 90’s when our estrogen fueled material also had a presence (remember Allie McBeal or My So Called Life)? This show explicitly states; we might be in prison but we’re not the bad guys, and we will persevere. And that’s an admirable notion. So turn off your phone, plug into Netflix, and join everyone else in this gargantuan estrogen fest. Happy watching!

Season 2 promo below:

These People Dated (Thank God They Didn't Reproduce)

Brad and Gwyneth. Yeah. this was a big deal back in the 90's. That would have been some spectacular looking spawn, but now we have Apple and Moses on one side, and an entire soccer team on the other side. I love how they even coordinated their hairstyles. 

Johnny Depp and Kate Moss. A match made in cocaine and eating disorders.

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson. No...just no. Creepy as fuck.

Cameron Diaz and Jared Leto. Although not so bright himself I feel like if he mixed his DNA with Cameron's that would result in one ridiculously stupid child.

Elizabeth Moss and Fred Armisen. One of the two Mad Women to bag an SNL repertory player, unfortunately she's psychotic and a friend of Xenu, no wonder the Portlandia co-creator ran screaming after a short-lived 3 month marriage. 

January Jones and Jason Sudeikis. The adorable SNL veteran met Stepford Wife in training January Jones when she hosted the show, later going down in history as one of the shows worst episodes ever. This was the biggest yawn couple ever.

Jennifer Lopez and P. Diddy. America's sweethearts?

Courtney Cox and Michael Keaton. Court has always made questionable love decisions, I mean she WAS married to David Arquette for like a decade but even this one is a bit bizzare, and not just because of the 12 year age-gap.

Ode to Jared Leto

Adorbs...and flawless Ombre I might add. Better than mine. 

Alright, my blog has been rather silent lately, so let's just write some shit shall we? Especially after a sex dream, that's the best time to do it. Salvador Dalí and Luis Buñuel used to do that in order to make one of the treasures of Experimental Cinema - Un Chein Andalou (1929) so why not? Yeah, I just compared myself to Dali and Bunuel, I'm definitely sex-crazed enough. I think I would have fit right in with their trifecta at Residencia de Estudiantes with Lorca hanging out watching the Spanish sunrise over a bottle of champagne talking about art before Franco's revolution chased them out...ok getting way off track here. 

Let's talk about the obvious thing I want to talk about. The prettiest Oscar winner we've seen in a while...no not Lupita N'Yongo, and quite honestly there's a celebrity cult around her and if you're at all on twitter or follow indiewire on Facebook you'll notice that every other post is about her, so let's just not even. She's awesome, good for her, the end. No I'm talking about the scruffy-poet looking, bow-tie wearin', mom-lovin' slice of heaven that was Jared Leto at the Oscars. I mean it couldn't have been more perfect. During award season, he was playful and at times borderline offensive, getting seriously scolded for his 'insensitive' remarks after winning his Golden Globe, but for the Oscars he really stepped up to the plate. And quite frankly I'm against the rumors that someone was paid to write that Obama-esque speech for him. There were tears in his eyes when he gushed about his mother, and you just can't fake that...unless you're an actor and you're really good which he obviously is, but still. Those were some real tears. Aside from that he had some good ol' fashioned fun. Whom else would you rather photobomb if not Anne Hathaway? She deserve to get photobombed basically every time she poses in my opinion, and Jared looked so much hotter than her anyway, I was embarrassed FOR her. He took selfies with him and the Oscar sign, and even participated in the silly pizza ordering gimmick, giving his slice to (again) his mommy. I was just melting. 

Leto as Rayon (light on the weight, but a heavy character to carry with him all the time which is actually what I heard he did during the production of Dallas Buyers Club (2013))

Most of us don't really remember Jared Leto since his arm slicing days in Requiem for a Dream (2000) considering he was barely recognizable in Chapter 27 (2007) where he played John Lennon's killer Mark David Chapman and weighed roughly 100 pounds more (I wonder if he went off veganism for that, probs). 

Considered ever the method actor, and always very dedicated to his roles, his weight loss and ahem...waxing for the role of Rayon in Dallas Buyer's Club (2013) was not the first in which he had to go a dramatic transformation. Poor man, he's been at it longer than Christian Bale, and doesn't get any notice for it like the latter does. 

Again, barely recognizable as Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27 (2007)....yes co-starring Lindsay Lohan, now acting opposite her is a feat for anyone. 

I remember him as the flannel clad, always strumming an acoustic guitar, pretty boy in the short lived 90's cliche'd series My So Called Life (1994 - 1995) and then maybe some easy-to-digest softy 90's films before he reappeared ripped and cut with bleach blonde hair as Angelface in the quintessential movie of the 90's; Fight Club (1999) For which I'm sure he had to really work out. I mean he played a mean fighter until Edward Norton kicked his ass. 

We all remember THIS guy...I think some of us dated this guy in high school. 

Then he was smart enough to work with Mary Harron as Patrick Bateman's doppleganger who gets brutally murdered by an ax in perhaps the funniest murder scene that exists on cinema; American Psycho (2000). But that's as far as I'll go on listing his credits, basically he took a 4 year hiatus from acting to focus on his band, all fine...but seriously Jared you robbed us of a good 4 years of material here. Now that we all know what you're capable of please don't ever do that to us again. And may I remind you that he was actually the oldest to be nominated in is category. He's older than Fassbender, yeah if that's what you're wondering only he looks like he's about 5 years younger. I guess all that Yoga and vegan diet does him good. I couldn't do it though...because when (not if) we date, I need cheese. Fancy, French, stinky cheese. It might come down to a Sophie's Choice of Jared Leto or cheese...and quite honestly I can't answer that right now. Anyway, again getting off track. Jared proved to us Oscar night that he is one of the best in the business and not just a pretty face that can put on or lose a tremendous amount of weight for a project with a killer voice, he's a captivating talent and also in a class by himself. You know me and my penchant for comparing contemporary actors to dead actors of the Golden Age, but I just can't here. Which is probably a good thing. Keep at it Jared...also call me.

Dallas Buyer's Club (2013) Trailer

Chapter 27 (2007) trailer 

Leto as Paul Allen in one of the best films (if not the best film of the new Millenium; American Psycho (2000)) 'Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now you fucking stupid bastard!' 

Music video for 'City of Angels'; off 30 Seconds to Mars' latest album...he's a Renaissance man. 

Best and Worst Dressed at the Emmy's (The Definitive List)

Not to blow my own horn or anything, but I do know quite a bit about fashion, so please trust that I know what I'm talking about here and stop listening to Kelly Osbourne. There were some serious winners and losers, and for me, there are a lot of things people got wrong. Here are my two cents. And as always, please take them as the holy gospel. 

Well start with the BEST: 

Aubrey Plaza in Marios Schwab. Yes, this is on my BEST DRESSED list, in fact it tops it. For all you haters out there, not only is Aubrey a quirky girl, but this dress is unique and mature and a huge fashion risk. I admire a risk taker, though the accessories are weird I'll give you that. It reminds me of that black and lace Alexander McQueen number Gwyneth Paltrow wore to the Oscars in 2000. Only difference is she couldn't even pull off a McQueen with the perfect body she has, but Aubrey with this pseudo-goth look is showing a grown up side of her querk. Bravo lady, I stand with you.

Sarah Hyland in Carolina Herrera. Talk about all grown up. Ironically Carolina Herrera is usually the go-to designer for Hyand's co-star on Modern Family (Sofia Vergara) but with the dark lipstick and the black lace, she's channeling a somewhat Deco darker side of the designer that Sophia would never dare to venture. Good job girlfriend.

Kerry Washington in Marchesa. Marchesa looks wonderful on everybody. She's kind of like the safety net of fashion on the red carpet. I love Scandal and I love Kerry Washington on it. I mean it's like clothes were basically sewn unto her. She usually looks fabulous in anything, and though a bit too floral, she pulls this one off. She looks radiant.

Linda Cardellini in Donna Karan. It's hard to forget Sarah Marshall in this. This fucia Donna Karan is above and beyond and yet it's subtle. It reminds me of that crazy Marchesa gown that Vera Farmiga wore to the Oscars when Up in the Air (2009) was nominated but a much more grown up, aesthetically complex and pleasing to the eye.

Taylor Schilling in Thakoon. I've personally never heard of this designer but the empire waste, high front slit, and simplicity of the gown all work very well accented by minimalist gold jewelery. I'll say it again, blondes look great in white. What more is there?

Kaley Cuoco in Vera Wang. Vera Wang usually does not do such complex numbers nor have I ever seen her do boning for a corset but this beet red gown is just so classy without being burlesque or desperate for attention, I have to give her major props. I love that she decided to minimalize the accessories as well because the dress stands perfectly on its own.

Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang. I tire of red dresses that match the red carpet and am way tired of mermaid dresses as well, not to mention I don't particularly like Sofia Vergara, but she ends up on my best dressed lists all the time...like all of them. You know why? Because she knows what looks good on her, has a body that won't quit, and makes it work bitches.

Zooey Deschanel in J. Mendel. Yay! J. Mendel made it to the red carpet! Yay! Zooey isn't wearing poofy tutu dresses anymore! Yay! She looks mature and amazing in a silvery light blue silk gown! Yay! She looks like the grown up woman that she is! Yay! The world is a better place.

Now on to the fun stuff...it's time for the hideous monstrosities that made my eyes water and my belly ache with disappointment and nausea. Yes, it's time for the WORST. 

Lena Dunham in Prada. Did you really think I would ignore this or not start there. What the fuck is this thing? It looks like a giant version of something in Zooey's closet from 5 years ago. Prada made this? Are you serious? And then they put it on slouchy Lena Dunham? Who's running the ship over there because it's about to hit some serious rocks. It looks like a table-cloth from the 50's. It's unflattering. It's beyond poorly tailored. It hurts me to even keep going on about it. So I'm stopping.

Heidi Klum in Versace. Heidi, you're a professional model, you're the executive producer of Project Runway. What the fuck are you thinking? You look like a wardrobe reject from Luc Besson's The Fifth Element (1997), This metallic, sequined, blood-red, fake-collared gown looks like it belongs in one of the Underworld sequels.

Amanda Peet in Erdem. Oh dear god what happened here? Did two dress cousins have the worst sex ever and give birth to a retarded dress that Amanda Peet totally thought was chic under the influence of ambien and vodka. There's no logic to this dress, so why try to find logic in her reason for Amanda giving herself the worst make-under I've ever seen, on purpose!

Zosia Mamet in Honor. This could be the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Grey and pink? Seriously? And what's with the leather mini-bra just taped on to the middle? This dress is too much of a mess for me to even know where to begin. It's a crime against humanity. But then again, so is her show.

Julianne Hough in Jenny Packham. A see-through dress that makes you look like you're wearing your granny panties on laundry day coupled with an off-the-shoulder look? Epic fail.

Claire Danes in Armani. This might be the best of the worst. It's just the wrong dress. On someone as fair-skinned as her, it looks ridiculous, also it looks bulky and it's way too low cut. I'm not to excited about the trimming either. Bad choice, but not the worst choice.

Anna Faris in Monique Lhuillier. Usually one of my favorite designers, but this dress has gone ape shit. It's far too prom night, and the mustard yellow color looks like something that glows under a black light. Coupled with retro Bettie Page bangs and a far too high of a slit, this was a disaster. My eyes hurt.

Jessica Paré in Oscar de la Renta. Oscar de la Renta is an artist among designers. He is a true innovator but this Tiffany's blue number is just not doing it for me. The shoes are all wrong, the top makes her look like she has no chest to speak of, and the front of the dress should not be higher than the back. Me no likey.

Betsey Brandt in what might have been the worst look of the night. I have no idea who designed this dress, quite frankly I'm convinced she picked it up at a Ross on the way to the awards because it is beyond hideous. The color washes her out, it's far from being age appropriate and makes her look like a stepford wife. Also, what the hell is up with the bouffant hairdo? It's just a mess all the way around.

Lena Headley in Alessandra Rich. This bitch keeps making my Worst dressed list all the time, keep at it girl, you're not getting any better. And she's an intelligent, refined woman, what is she thinking every time her stylist gives her advice? A high-slit see-through dress with nothing but what looks like black spanx to cover up your nether-regions? And white shoes? You look like you're dressing up as a dominatrix to a Halloween party thrown by Frat boys.

Also before we end this, I would just like to express my disdain that not one celebrity rocked a Zuhair Murad this season. He's the hottest designer on the planet right now, and being dressed by him is an honor. I can't believe it's been since J-Lo at last years Oscars that we've seen him on the red carpet. No fair.

Netflix Pick: Scandal

Kerry Washington as Olivia Pope. I really hope this causes a spike in Law School admissions this year.

So I just started watching Scandal (yeah I know, I'm like three season's late, fuck off I'm busy), and yes Kerry Washington is my newest girl crush, are  you kidding me? She's so hot I swear the temperature of my computer screen went up every time the camera focused on her (ok that's crazy-cheesy but whatever). So how would I describe this show? It's House of Cards meets The Practice with a His Girl Friday (1940) seedy underbelly to it.

If you haven't seen His Girl Friday, 1. you're a pathetic excuse for a human being, 2. Let me explain it to you. It was a seminal feminist film directed by Howard Hawkes about a newspaper in which there is a conflict of interest that is hilarious between soon to be divorced couple Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell. The thing about the film, is that it is famous for the characters talking like a million times faster than usual. It was a 90 page script and made for an hour and 5 minute film. That's somewhat of the flavor that is added to the pot of the sizzle of Scandal. 

Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell engaged in a battle of wits in His Girl Friday (1940) a lot of which the latter wins.

Kerry Washington plays the feared-by-all uberbitch lawyer Olivia Pope whom everyone including the most powerful men in the world (yes, I'm talking The President) fear, and who is a 'fixer' of sorts for high profile scandals. She has an army of what each refers to as 'gladiators in suits' who do her bidding for her, and are all just as tough. They have to be or their ass is right the fuck out in the bitter DC cold. This includes freakin' Desmond from Lost (Henry Ian Cusick) and within the second episode I'm already on a learning frenzy, and no not the square root of anything, but apparently if you're visiting a prostitute code for her having it all shaved is that there are hard wood floors in her apartment, you know, important life stuff like that. Within the third episode all kinds of serious shit goes down and it's up to Olivia to fix it, and she does; with the fire and wit of a modern day Rosalind Russell and the bitch virtuosity of a hot Ruth Bader Ginsburg. 

Gladiators in suits. The bulk of Pope's law firm, with The President (Tony Goldwyn, wait, that Tony Goldwyn? yeah, that Tony Goldwyn) on the far right.

This is NOT a really good night-time soap, this is a seriously underrated show and has as much...well scandal as say something like House of Cards, and though at times self-righteous, it is not nearly as pretentious, which is why I'd rather watch it. If you read my blog you know how cantankerous I am so this should come as no shock to you (the prior) statement I mean. Granted, I've only been through the first season, but I can't wait to see what's in store coming up. 

Meet Olivia Pope...

A bit from His Girl Friday... 

Netflix Review: Freaks and Geeks

The freaks. L to R - Daniel Desario (James Franco) Kim Kelly (Busy Phillips), Ken Miller (Seth Rogen), Lindsay Weir (Linda Cardellini), and Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel)

Only airing 14 episodes, but a true cultural landmark that launched the careers of Jason Segel, James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Judd Apatow, Freaks and Geeks (1999 - 2000) is a pleasure to be savored. Paul Feig wrote the whole series while driving cross-country trying to sell his new film at that point...you know the one called...something or other. Oh how funny life can be because his scribblings soon became a television landmark with a loyal underground following.
It is the first show to utilize high school aged actors playing high schoolers, and also perhaps the first show to reflect the ideology of hat later became the slacker generation, starting way back in 1980. In 1980, disco sucked, 8-track tapes were in every house, and Mark Zuckerberg was 4 years from being born. It was a very different time, and seems further away from our generation than say the 50's. Perhaps that's why the show had such an unimaginably short run, because it was so authentic to its time and atmosphere that it was completely irrelevant to us, the idiots.

The Geeks on Halloween. L - R: Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine), Harris  Stephen Lea Sheppard (Harris Trinsky), Sam Weir (John Francis Daley) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) as the bionic woman.

But let's talk about the almost all-male cast...and Linda Cardellini who hasn't been relevant since (poor girl). It's hard to feel sorry for someone who was the the real life Sarah Marshall; Jason Segel really got ahead on that whole public opinion front, but she was a feisty, sarcastic, plain-ish girl next door. But I never really found her any kind of interesting so, moving on.
John Francis Daley, the pre-pubescent androgynous actor who now has now carved out a nice little niche for himself writing successfully crude comedies like Horrible Bosses (2011) is the most adorable thing in the world and has grown up to be the hottest man this side of too-hot-to-be-straight-shire. He plays Linda Cardellini's brother, Sam Weir (she plays Lindsay Weir btdubs).
The Freaks of the show are composed of James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel, but don't worry they're not freaks in the sense that we see them; as Oxycontin-addicted pseudo-gothic motherfuckers who drive 20-year-old Dodge Darts, and speak in iambic pentameter. They're just some Sabbath-obsessed burnouts who have never gotten an A on anything. They are Lindsay's friends slash love-interests...for the most part. And quite honestly it's hard to cast a 21 year old James Franco in anything where he's not a love interest...I don't care if it's opposite a sofa, that's the part he's going to play.

awkward...

The Geeks are Sam's friends. All freshmen, they painfully make their way through this waking nightmare we call high school in the 80's, or high school in general, as it really hasn't changed much. Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) are the ridiculously geeky individuals that are in everyone's high school. There's the Jewish, too-hairy-for-his-age, over-achieving, chubber who doesn't really understand social norms in an almost autistic way, and then there's the point-of-no-return geek who's always been too tall even as a baby, wears thick rimmed glasses that take up his whole face, and doesn't speak except to express his disdain with any given situation.

Mr. Rosso the guidance counselor, who even though looked exactly like Edgar Winter, you still kind of crushed on.

 It's basically a perfect show, with something or someone everyone can relate to, and what's most devastating about it is it's honestly which is at times both hilarious and cruel. And it's totally original. It's my favorite show of that whole era. Watch the whole first season without stopping, it's kind of hard not to. Also, Both the Freaks and the Geeks remind me of guys that I dated while I was in high school. Every single one of them...Even Stephen Lea Sheppard...yup I went there. And Dave 'Gruber' Allen as Mr. Rosso...yep went there too....no I didn't.

Below, the intro.

Below, the infamous dodgeball scene.

Below, a hilarious scene from the non-alcoholic party episode. It's my favorite.

New Reasons to Hate Kristen Stewart? Thank You, World!

I can't decide whether to refer to Kristen Stewart as a 'ho' or a 'slut' so I'll just refer to her as a ho-slut.

It finally happened folks. It's everything I've hoped it would be. My house could be on fire and I'd still have a smile on my face because Kristen Stewart beloved skinny bitch of tweens everywhere has done the unspeakable. She put a penis in her mouth that was NOT Robert Pattinson's. I hope she's aware that hell hath no fury like a 12 year-old team Edward Twi-hard. And shit is about to hit some serious fan. She was already pretty seriously loathed by the 12-13 suburbanite delusional girl with brain problems (which is apparently a huge demographic) and also by the likes of me, people in their 20's with lives and responsibilities who still find time in our schedule to feel unbridled hate for her, the reasons of which we are still unsure of.
At this point I'm wondering why people let her outside or let her speak. She's very awkward and says things like 'being a celebrity is like being raped' and then cheats on the #1 masturbation fodder of tweens all over the country, I mean how much more can this girl fuck up? Not only is this a cheating fiasco, Rupert Sanders, her mistress is married with kids, oh and by the by he's about 20 years older than her. I guess it must be her irresistible pasty-ass skin, adorable mumbling, ridiculous fashion sense and overall standoffishness, not to mention those remarkably sexy A-cups. How could any man say 'no'. She also mentioned that her favorite movie of all time is American Beauty (1999) so cleeeeeeeeearly, she's got a good head on those broad shoulders.

The new happy couple; Kristen in an ill-fitting man's suit and married with kids director Rupert Sanders. I don't know about you, but I don't see this working out.  

Basically, bitch needs to close her legs to married men, as soothsayer and master of everything Real Housewife of Atlanta NeNe Leaks would say. Now, let's move on to the real trag-fest of this whole situation; the love-life of Robert Pattinson. I'm sure it couldn't have been too pleasant shoving his vampire dick into a dark and morose cave where bats live, but I have no doubt he'll recover pretty quickly, like there's any shortage of awkwardly adorable early 20-somethings with nipples that look like zits that would me more than willing to take K-Stew's place in Robert Pattinson's Crate and Barrell customized bed. If you are a 90 pound brunette with a general disdain for humanity, step right up and let's start a who's next to date Robert Pattinson sweepstakes. I've compiled a short list. Consider me the Patti Stanger of hipster couples. Sarah Hyland, she's perky and she's age-appropriate. She's also funny at times. Not too smart, but hey neither was your last girlfriend. Noomi Rapace, she's older, but she's also really cool (which I know is important to Robert Pattinson) and she's got an accent. I think Elizabeth Moss is available but she's nowhere near hot enough for you. How about date someone else British and go for Rose Byrne, that's always a safe bet. She has manners, grace, a beautiful rack and she's hotter than fuck. So I think that might be a perfect option for you.

The old happy couple, hot, annoying, and united in their not-caring about anything.

Stewart issued perhaps the least articulate apology I've ever heard that people actually called 'sincere' but to me it sounds like something you hand write in pink pen and put hearts and smiley-faces all over before you pass it on to your crush in middle school. It went like this -
 'This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.'
Kinda short no? I'm not buying it, and Rob if you're listening, don't buy it either. I think if anything, this is going to escalate ratings for the last installment of Breaking Dawn Part II (2012) because everyone (including myself) will be going to watch the unbridled sexual tension and mutual violent hatred the two principals will be feeling for each other and whether they are able to hide it well enough during their already awkward love scenes, maybe it will make them better and you know...sexy. 


Below Breaking Dawn Part II trailer. Who's getting pre-sale tickets? I am!

Keira Knightley Butchers Yet Another Literary Classic

Is this the scene where she has an orgasm while fully clothed? Ahhh yes, I remember how Tolstoy wrote about it fondly.

You might guess that I'm pretty biased when it comes to adapting Russian literature for the screen which is almost always impossible to do, and especially when it takes place in the city I was born in, St. Petersburg. But nothing has yet been quite such a slap in the face until the new Anna Karenina (2012) trailer hit and I thought, 'wow, it's like Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette (2005) had sex with Across the Universe (2007) and had an abortion all over my face.

Let's start at the beginning because my list of grievances goes on forever so I'm going to try to make this as brief as I can. It's difficult for me to see anyone in the west adapt Russian literature, particularly one of the greatest books in Russian history because Russians like to write really really long books. 'Anna Karenina' is 8 volumes; each volume about 300 pages. So um...a 2-hour movie is just not going to cut it. Check that box, now moving on to the anorexic elephant in the room. 

Baroness Varvara Ivanovna Ikskul von Hildenbandt , whom it is said Anna Karenina is based on. Clearly there's a resemblance...not.

If there is an actress I despise more than Kristen Stewart, it's Keira Knightly. To me, everything she does is wrong and somehow cringe-worthy, to the point where it seems beyond ridiculous to even conceive of men killing each other to be with her. She always has that confused blow-fish look and I'm tired of counting the ribs in her mid-section. The director is Joe Wright, who is more or less obsessed with Keira, much like John Hughes was unhealthily enamored with Molly Ringwald. At some point you have to read the book and seriously consider who would be right for the part and who would stick out like sore ditz. No way does Keira have the psychological depth to play a tragic heroine on par with Anna Karenina, I wouldn't even cast her as Sophie. She needs to get her bony ass back to RADA and work on that Russian accent for a few more decades. 

I think this dress is from the Vera Wang bridal collection from last year. Also, not very excited about Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Vronsky. Please.

Speaking of, why is it she'll put on a Russian accent (and not a very good one) for the Cronenberg film, but for this one (where it really matters) eh...she'll just use her natural speaking voice. Bitch please. Every time she speaks in the trailer I'm sitting there thinking...yeah not buying it, and aren't you late for cheerleading practice? Just because you throw the prom queen into a period costume, doesn't mean she's going to pull it off, and even if she does, on behalf of my people I can say right now before the film is even released, we're not on board. 

Side note, please stop trying to squeeze Keira Knightly into corsets. Has she been in a film that doesn't require them since Bend it Like Beckham (2002)? (and aside from Atonement (2006)?) She's comically too thin for them. I think it's an aesthetic choice so that the audience gets the illusion that she's stacked. It's probably in her contract somewhere.

Here's the blasted trailer.