You Don't Have to be NC-17 to Be Bought By Criterion

Thank you von Trier, we all so desperately need to see this, in the longest take ever known to man kind, and if it's not definitely feels that way.

So my friend sent me this interesting link up on the Criterion website about the grossest films in its roster of otherwise respectable and timeless cinematic triumphs. So like right next to The Rules of the Game (Jean Renoir) you can buy a copy of Antichrist (Lars von Trier) where the cover is Willem Defoe doing Charlotte Gainsburg up against a tree of protruding limbs. So hot. Here's the list if you're interested and haven't eaten anything this morning yet. Criterions Greatest Gross Outs.

Now, why should Criterion be so high and mighty? I mean they bought films like Armageddon (1999) and The Rock (1996) for eff's sake, but I will say this, they do own a few in their catalog that would make even the person with the strongest stomach squirm in their seat. Antichrist (2009) is a perfect example of this. Now, if I was to eat an egg salad sandwich that had been siting in a hot car that I purchased and the worst deli in New York City and then did 18 jumping jacks, I'm still not exactly prone to vomit. It's rather difficult for me? TMI? Deal with it. But not even at the end, in the MIDDLE of this film, I had to excuse myself out of the theater to blow chunks. And I will never trust Von Trier again. I mean, I had to take a klonopin just so I could watch Melancholia (2011) because I was so nervous. And I honestly have no idea why Criterion would invest in such crap. Even by pretentious euro-standards Antichrist is terrible. And yet that's not why I lost my lunch that day. I just couldn't deal with the fact that von Trier saw the need to assault every one of my senses until I felt like I couldn't breath. It's like 'how far can I go with this? I don't want people just to walk out in anger, I want them to be heaving and dialing the emergency room. Get Willem Dafoe on the phone.' 

Just one of the NSFW scenes from Caligula (1979), though seemingly alright on the surface, you should know that the girl in this scene is playing Caligula's (Malcolm McDowell's) SISTER Drusilla.

The other films all totally deserve to be up there, but I've seen way worse that Criterion refuses to touch. Dino De Laurentis' Caligula (1979) is a perfect example, also any work by Alejandro Jodorowsky. Watch The Holy Mountain (1973), I dare you. I double dog dare you. People think you need to be within a horror genre and sub-genre of blood and guts to be seriously offensive to all the senses, but it's not true. You just have to put people into very uncomfortable situations. Also, you have to be pretty innovative and an ancient Roman contraption that slices off peoples heads because of a shredding like locomotive on it's bottom layer can do so when you bury people with just their heads sticking out is pretty innovative. It's just one out of many beyond disgusting and yet fascinating films in Caligula (1979) so don't fret I didn't give too much away.

Eyes Without a Face (1960) is actually pretty terrifying in that French solipsistic type way, and that's not to mention the amount of gore that is involved in the surgery scenes, even in black and white it's more visceral than your average slasher film.

I guess what I'm saying is that the disgusting is also innovative, and doesn't have to be 'horrific'. If you look at another film on the list; George Fanju's Eyes Without a Face (1960) it's absolutely captivating. Probably because it's based on actual events and it's directed brilliantly. What is it about? Exactly that. This girl is born without a face, just a pair of beautiful big blue eyes, and her father, the ever present surgeon experimentation extraordinaire keeps kidnapping young girls so that he can take off their faces and try sewing them unto his daughters, and womp womp, none ever really work. And this was decades before 'it rubs the lotion on it's skin' so it was pretty innovative. Also, it's French, so, points there. Anyway, I would say if you're have a thick skin watch some of these films, they are in the Criterion roster for a reason, most of them (I said MOST) are not gross because of a sexual content that is displeasing....of course that's MOST again, people. But yeah, throw on some Cronenberg and have a barf bag ready just in case. Maybe you'll be richer for the experience mentally even if your stomach will empty.

Some trailers below: 

Ode to Brigitte Bardot

Goddess

So tonight I'm keeping it mellow and settled in for a Criterion film, and one which I have shamefully never seen in my life was And God Created Woman (1956) directed by Roger Vadim and his then 21 year old wife Brigitte Bardot who he basically made into the most desired woman on the face of the earth, even for those who didn't speak French. 

Brigitte's introduction to the world. Much like what would later be done in Kubrick's Lolita (1962), a childlike seductress sits outside sunning herself in next to nothing waiting for a man to fall in love with her at first sight.

Not a natural blonde, but then again nobody was, this was the era of being blonde meaning being the end all be all in sex symbols, now a days, it's being a red-head, but whatever. I would blog about Marilyn the ultimate blonde, since it is her birthday, but I've blogged about her mmmmm a million times, so I just want to give a shout out to the most statuesque French-looking french actress who later turned into a psychopath but we can negate that. On the screen she is absolutely magical. If aliens landed tomorrow and asked what the female species was, you'd have to show them a picture of early 60's or late 50's Brigitte Bardot, the only sex symbol that we think of outside the American idiom. 

French poster for the film.

The film is about a waif in a small town near the French Riviera that all men are obsessed with but none can actually have, even when they exchange marriage vows. Her devil-may-care attitude spawned the sex-kitten phenomenon of the 60's and everyone from Vadim to The Beatles were completely obsessed. The story goes that John Lennon himself was so enamored with her that he made his then wife Cynthia dye her hair blonde and do her make-up a certain way to resemble the great Brigitte. Pretty chauvinist no?

But back to the wonder that is her, it's hard not to go crazy when you marry a heel like Roger Vadim at 18 and then he runs off with Jane Fonda, and for the rest of your life, all men want from you is sex rather than conversation, so you join PETA, and blame everyone in the world except yourself for all of your crazy insecurities. 

Another picture of Bardot, just because. She's fun to look at isn't she?

The only person I can think of that in any way reminds me of Brigitte is Claudia Schiffer, she is basically her reincarnation, in body, but not spirit, and perhaps that's a good thing. We don't have to listen to her speak and meander about her politics and bizarre musings on the ways of the world, just turn on one of her films and you'll be completely mesmerized, I don't care if you're a man or a woman, you want it. She is the ultimate vamp of that era, but in a childish Lolita-esque way which makes it even more enticing, and what she created in the film that made her; And God Created Woman will always be copied by ingenues to come. She is a mystery wrapped in exoticism, wrapped in raw sexual prowess, wrapped in heaps of black eye liner. It's fantastic.

Arousal on a Plate

Babette prepares the fruit course.

It's no secret, I love watching films about food. I love to watch people prepare food, I love close ups of food, I love it all, why the hell do you think I sit through Gordon Ramsay yelling the tar out of some poor soul on Hell's Kitchen? So I can get to the part where they finally bring an immaculate medium rare lamb loin to the hot plate.

If you're on Hulu nearly as much as I am, you'll notice they've basically bought up the entire Criterion collection, so all that savings money you were going to use towards it whenever Barnes and Noble has a sale is totally inadequate now. Anyway, last night I watched a pretty boring film, save for the last scene. It's a Danish film (yes I've been watching a lot of Danish films lately, shoot me) from 1987 called Babette's Feast. 

Babette's guests would be criminal not to enjoy what she serves them.

It's about two Danish sisters that live in a remote impoverished town of devotees to the lord. They for some reason have a French maid, and yes this is before the slutty French maid aesthetic. It's a woman named Babette (Stephan Audran) who escaped the Napoleonic wars to the mercy of these two sisters and works for them for free. She keeps a friend in France that plays the lottery for her regularly, and finally she ends up winning 10,000 francs. She decides that to celebrate, and also honor the memory of the sisters' father who was the town pastor, she would like to cook everyone in the town (all 12 of them) an exquisite French feast. Unbeknownst to everyone, she was the head chef at one of the most posh restaurants in France. She insists on paying for it herself, and the town folk get nervous. They only eat pious things like bread soup, and refuse to take pleasure in any worldly indulgences such as fine French food. Sounding familiar by now? That's because I'm more than sure that this was the basis for the plot of Chocolat (2000) with Juliette Binoche. 

Juliette Binoche presents her nipples of Venus, aside from the cheeky name we all know that chocolate is one of the main aphrodisiacs.

It's almost sublime to watch her make fresh turtle soup, then belinis with caviar and sour cream, after which stuffing quails with foie gras and black truffles before putting them inside puff pastry, I mean I nearly lost it. Then, there was an endive salad and a cheese course before a delicate French pastry was served and everyone in the town secretly convinced that this indeed was a higher pleasure than the lord's love. I should mention it was all served with different versions of the best French wine, I mean you'd definitely have to be dead inside not to have your mouth watering right now. 

Quail in puff pastry. I just lost my mind.

If photographed well this will serve (no pun intended) just as well if not better than any porn on the internet right now. Why do you think I watch Julie and Julia (2009) to the point where I can recite it verbatim. Anyway, watch the film, and I have an application to Paris' Le Cordon Bleu academy to get cracking on. 

Trailer below. 

Chocolat trailer below.