We All Hold Our Breath As the Royal Hoo-Haa Dialates.

Counting down the hours? Loser.

Alright Englanders and Americans who couldn't give less of a fuck. The Duchess of Cambridge, pug-face Kate Middleton is in the Royal Hospital with a Royal OBGYN pulling out her Royal baby with Royal forceps and dealing with her Royal screams, and disposing of the Royal afterbirth right about now. Did all of that sound gross? Good. 

Now here's something really gross. Imagine the product of those two people, genetically it is just not a flattering picture. Remember when Prince Andrew married Fergie and we were all thinking to ourselves 'yeah that will end well', and now that Princess Eugenie and Beatrice are in their 20's it's horrifying. Yes, Diana added some much needed attractive genes to the otherwise bland, incest-based line of the Windsor house, with their receding hairlines, pointy bucked teeth and generally displeasing faces, but I don't think the Middletons have much to offer to that pool either. Have you seen Kate's parents? Shallow end for sure, I mean her mom is somewhat of a MILF and Pippa's not ghastly, but otherwise, it's a weird look. And coupled with Prince Williams long face, male pattern baldness, and a set of teeth that Invisiline would die to get a hold of, it's going to be one weird bald baby. It's like J-Lo's twins, one really good set of genes and one really grotesque one, and the offspring turn out looking like something out of the X-Files. 

Beatrice and Eugenie...never forget.

It basically boils down to this, they are too different looking, and hopefully Kate is the dominant one in this merge because let's face it, she's way hotter than William. I'm sure how he got her was by walking up to her and be like 'hey, I'm going to be the next king of England...how you doin'?' I'm kidding, we all know the story, especially me because I had to sit through everything about that while in Scotland at St. Andrews where their weird love flourished like it made any difference to anybody and like I gave two sweaty shits. 

I'm honestly dreading what the combination of these two will look like.

Whatever pops out, we know that nothing's going to change, except hopefully Kate will stop looking like the walking dead and put on a hefty amount of stones back on that skeletal figure of hers. And I'll just keep dreaming that one day Prince Harry and I will have babies, and our genes are compatible, and they will come out adorably strawberry blonde, with piercing green eyes and hopefully my penchant for crying over reality TV and cigarettes, and his rough mangled primal masculinity and naughty tendencies. A girl can dream, and I shall continue to do so, meanwhile, it's been like forever Kate, either have the baby or don't. And for the love of god, don't call it North West. 

Enjoy below: 

Pramface – Teen Moms Meets Modern Family Through the British Filter

This show was constantly running promos on HULU so I finally dug in out of desperation for something besides House of Cards and Downton Abbey. I needed to fill that void of delicate dry British humor and all the crap on Lifetime, and Pramheads fit the bill perfectly.

It involves a girl Laura (Scarlett Alice Johnson) who gets impregnated by a 16 year old who can’t even put on a condom properly. I mean come on British people, I know instructions aren’t written on the side of the plastic but didn’t you ever practice with a banana? Laura’s about to go to Uni (that means college to us Americans) and decides ‘hey, I’m just going to ride this out until it’s just about too late and see what happens'. She ignores being basically a statutory rapist that is with child and decides she’s going to remain drinking buddies with her best friend from High School Yay! Totally awkward and predictable situations ahead!

Jamie (Left) and his best friend contemplate strange and impractical ways of dealing with the situation; this is the major source of the comedy throughout the beginning of the series.

Jamie (Sean Michael Verey) , said father-to-be adorably and clumsy 16 year old tracks her down until she finally has to face the fact that she’s going to have a bloody baby and bloody hell it’s going to be bloody difficult to make this bloody decision.

She decides eventually (SPOILER ALERT) fuck off, it’s in the first episode, that she’s going to keep it, and now there’s going to be a particularly British clash of manners involved when Laura’s parents who are what we can call of the Intellectual Class have to now interact with Jamies', who are not Chavs per se (again American translation – white trash) but are somewhat LOWER middle class. 

Scarlett Alice Johnson is actually quite good as 18 year old preggers Laura who has to somehow tell her no-longer-speaking-to-each-other WASPY parents that she's not all they thought she was, and she's made one huge tiny mistake.

The whole thing permeates of unimaginably easy ways of dealing with unimaginably difficult scenarios, and is actually a lot of the time just plain scientifically inaccurate, but I suppose that a suspension of disbelief goes along with any comedy serial. All in all, this is not too bad, and has some serious actors in it. No I mean it, like RADA actors like Angus Deayton, Anne Chancellor, and Bronagh Gallagher (whom I love, I mean I am so happy she’s still working, she’s a highly underrated actress).

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is skip the Teen Mom marathons on MTV and log on to Hulu to check out this cute little show, it’s little more than that, but it’ll put you in a good mood. 

Promo below.