Remake that Doesn't Know How to Remake

Emma Watson makes the best of a movie that doesn't know how to movie taking example from another famous Emma who just won an Academy Award for the same thing. 

There was so much ridiculous hype and over-marketing (if that's a thing) over the live-action remake of arguably the best Disney film of all time. Trying to capitalize on the success of the live action remake of The Jungle Book which actually was useful and interesting, the studio heads decided to basically make a carbon copy of the original with a few new songs to make extra off of iTunes and to stretch the run time. If you haven't seen it, watch the original...and that's exactly what this film is. It's like when Gus Van Sant did a shot-by-shot remake of Hitchcock's Psycho but that was for Avant-Garde performance art purposes so he gets a pass, not to introduce children to a totally bastardized and creepy version of what was a great film to start with. 

Good luck explaining sentient furniture to your kids now. 

So it's set in the most British part of France apparently where only Lumiere has an actual French accent. And in a cartoon world a lot of what was deemed unbelievable could be conceivable with enough suspension of disbelief. Now it raises a lot of uncomfortable questions like can Gaston really lift two heavy-set people with his hands, and do all of the sentient object in the palace actually have human souls? I mean, it's creepy as shit. 

The motion capture on Dan Stevens is basically ridiculous. He's terrifying, which kind of kills the love story which is central to the plot. 

But not as creepy as what they did to Dan Stevens, that poor son of a bitch. They could have used practical prosthetics, hair and make up to make him properly beastly looking, but they decided to CGI the fuck out of him so that he looks like he was drawn by a 12 year old on a Windows 7. Also, the sentient objects with actual speaking parts have more character and facial expression in the original, than the CGI moving objects in the old palace. I don't care how good of a French accent Ewan McGregor can do. 

As I said, with a few new songs added (because Bill Condon has a huge hard on for almost memorable songs that stretch the runtime), the songs are exactly the same, except they sound like cheap karaoke versions of the beloved originals like 'Be Our Guest'. 

They were fun, remember them?

There is a cheap half-assed attempt to fill in some plot holes like what happened to Belle's mother?  How did no one in this tiny town notice that the Beast has been beasting for like ten years? And how the hell did she get the damn Beast on the horse after being attacked by wolves. But it's so lazy, I'd rather just use my imagination. Speaking of which, I remember that as a kid, you really did fall for the Beast and understood why Belle would too, but in the live-action version he's so CGI'd to death that there's nothing remotely attractive about him. 

I'd also like to touch on the controversy surrounding La Fou as the first openly gay character in the Disney-verse. In this great article it actually surmises that La Fou is a piss poor tribute to the gay community. He basically meets the somewhat offensive and stereotypical gay tropes like an effeminate manner, and a one-sided crush on Gaston that's never really nuanced, but apart from that he's the gay comic relief that you expect in a film from the 50's that's more ignorant than anything else. He gets like one sincere moment that would make him a genuine gay character, but that's all that Disney allows him. Lest we forget that his name literally translates into 'the fool'. C'mon Disney, you had more going with Ursula or the Sherif of Nottingham. 

I guess I missed the take-acid-now instruction prior to this scene. 

Bottom line, this remake is not only useless, but it's superfluous. Apparently Disney couldn't leave well enough alone. The most iconic scene in the film; the ballroom dance scene between Belle and the Beast in that stunning yellow dress had more beautiful sprawling camera angles and lighting in the cartoon. It's like they're not even trying. If you haven't seen it, just watch the original and pretend it's in live action. 

The King is Dead...Long Live, Ahhh Fuck It

Schamus wearing his professor's bow tie, sits outside Dodge Hall

So as you may or may not have heard there was what we like to call a clusterfuck of a coup d'état over at Focus Features, and visionary producer and distributor; James Schamus was basically let go with Universal forcing Focus to relocate to Los Angeles under the guise of some other guy whom no one has ever heard of, and now Focus is going to suck more than the government shutdown. This hits no one harder than someone like me, and I'm not showing off here, but got to not know him personally but at least pick his brain for a semester during grad school when he taught my Narrative in Film class in a tiny dingy classroom at Dodge Hall at Columbia University in the Fall of 2008. 

It was the hardest single class I've ever had, and also the most rewarding. It showed me that there was hope for the film industry as long as visionaries like Schamus were still big players in the game, and really understood the medium better than the money-hounds. 

Schamus and one of his favorite collaborators; Ang Lee. They made three films together.

Here's what I THINK happened, because no one really knows. I'm sure it will be made public soon. Focus, though being owned by Universal has maintained its integrity throughout and also its loyalty to independent film. Universal was feeling antsy and decided out with the old and in with the new. Focus made it's home in New York City where film is still appreciated as an art form, so they decided well, to hell with that, we'll sell our souls and move the whole company to Los Angeles, leaving Schamus and everyone he ever made famous or important back in NYC to fend for themselves. 

A little history about Schamus. He started out with his own company called Good Machine, and personally pioneered the New Queer Cinema movement along with producers like Christine Vachon (another visionary) and her company Killer Films, which is also New York based. Together, they released the films of Gus Van Sant, Todd Haynes, Tom Kalin, Derek Jarman, and others, building a repore within the indie world as mavericks of cinema. 

Schamus and fellow renegades of cinema, director John Waters and producer Christin Vachon.

Once Schamus started getting more notice, he took things into a more mainstream direction and founded Focus Features, which gave him the opportunity to take small independent films that no one else would touch like Francois Ozon's masterpiece Swimming Pool (2003), and Todd Haynes' definitive work Far from Heaven (2004) and managed not only to make them financially successful, but to win them all kinds of acclaim from the Palm d'Or (for The Pianist (2002)), to multiple Oscars and nominations (For Milk (2008) and (Brokeback Mountain (2005)) all the while maintaining what Gene Kelly repeats somewhat ironically in Singin' in the Rain (1952) ...dignity, always dignity. 

Brokeback Mountain (2005), a film who's meteoric rise and lasting affect on cinema culture would not have been possible without the guidance of James Schamus.

If I could just open things up here for a minute and speak to James Schamus directly, I would say that you sir, were a paragon, and an iconoclast of cinematic distribution and production in a sea of people who just want to make a quick buck. You have always held up your high standards and never given in to pressure. You've made successes out of the most unpredictable situations, and helped some of the best films of the last two decades be seen and appreciated. Focus will not be the same without you, and neither will the realm of American cinema. Without you, many masterpieces that only you would see the potential in will falter into nothingness, and that is why your departure from Focus is so genuinely sad on all of us. But I at least know that this is not the last we'll hear of Schamus. I have a feeling he'll stick to his principals as he always has and go back to his indie roots, championing the underdog, and remaining an integral cog in the scope of cinema. We all wish you the best. 

Below some trailers for Focus films: 

No no no no no no no no...no!

Michelle Williams will be the next Sally Bowles. I may never be the same again.

It's bad enough that Michelle Williams and all of her quiet courageous talent or as I like to call it under-acting had to take down one of my favorite screen and pop culture icons with the sweaty piece of turd that was My Week with Marilyn (2011), but now, she's gone too far people. I am THIS close to rioting. What that would entail is me printing out a very large flag with Liza Minnelli's face on it, putting on a t-shirt that says 'no one fucks with Bob Fosse' and screaming through the LA streets like a deranged lunatic and I very well might. A very good friend of mine (though I seriously considered strangling her were we on the same side of the country) sent me news that Michelle Williams will be playing the iconic role of Sally Bowles. I. Want. To. Vomit. Murder. Punch Something. In that order. Here's the damned article Michelle Williams to Make Broadway Debut in ‘Cabaret’

When I'm through, then I'm through...and I'm through...tootdle-oo.

Yes, she's not doing a remake of the film (if that were the case, I would be in the paper tomorrow with blood on my hands) but still. And yes there have been many Sally Bowles on stage, but none match the brilliance with which Liza was able to execute it. It's the role she was born to play, and it's the role we (at least most of us) all tend to associate with her, except if you're a hardcore Arrested Development fan. There is ONE Sally Bowles, just like there's one fucking King of Siam and that's Yul Brynner, therefore the former is Liza. As a proud gay man I will say that without reserve. And there was never a greater pairing between Liza Minnelli and Bob Fosse (discounting Liza Minnelli and Roy Halston). Fosse directed her to her Academy Award, won one himself for Best Director (a huge feat considering his biggest competition that year was F. F. Coppolla for The Godfather). I am seriously beside myself. I've read the Isherwood story 'I Am a Camera' which was adapted by Kander and Ebb (NYU alums what, what) into the musical 'Cabaret', which under the brilliant direction and choreography of Bob Fosse cemented its status as one of the most innovative and unique plays that ever danced across the Broadway stage. When the film adaptation premiered in 1971, lines to get into the theaters in New York were 6 blocks long. The work was so highly original and brilliantly executed, and everyone was basically born for the job they did. 

The dream team; Liza and Bob Fosse take a break between takes.

And again, coming back to the apex of this whole thing. Liza was born to play Sally Bowles. No other person before or since has done it remotely better or should even be considered...or remembered. I've never seen such a fusion of actor and character. It's as if they were the same person, which they kind of were when you think about it. 

Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey proudly hold up their Oscars in triumph especially considering Joel Grey beat out the entire supporting cast of The Godfather (1971)

And dear Liza, you in your black silk strap-on pantyhose, bowler hat, and under-lashes will always remain in my memory. Michelle go fuck yourself with something hard and sand-papery. Stop taking on roles that are clearly too big for your bland personality. Stick to shit like Blue Valentine (2009) where you just sulk for 2 hours straight. You're a great sulker. You don't fuck with a masterpiece. And if the next news I hear is that she's in a remake of Eyes Wide Shut (1999) opposite Liam Hemsworth, I'm definitely shooting the messenger that time.

Memories of how it used to be below: