The Hardest Game of Who Would You Rather Ever.

I made this collage all by myself. Thank you, I AM extremely talented and totally cool.

Ever since being an uber-dork became mainstream, we've all had harder questions to answer than Team Edward or Team Jacob. It's the question of who is the ultimate pasty thin British guy we want to bone for a polite amount of time? I suppose you know that since then we've as a society narrowed it down to two of the pastiest, dorkiest, skinniest, most Britishest two men in existence right now; Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston. Not since the great wars between Pepsi and Coke, or the Yankees and the Red Sox have we seen such animosity, bloodshed, and upheaval. God help you if you walk through a Cumberbatch neighborhood with a Hiddleston emblem on your shirt. Prepare for the wintery freshness of mace and hair-pulling to the nth degree because it's coming full force. Now, you are probably already on a team, or defected and switched teams because your dream reality tricked you into a sex dream about Khan that turned into one about Loki...did that happen with me? No comment. 

Hiddleston in the hottest thing since the elves in LOTR, and he's a badass so we don't have to hide how hot we find Loki.

Cumberbatch as ubervillain and arch nemesis to Captain Kirk and trekkies everywhere; Kahn. Or as the original Captain Kirk Mr. William Shatner would call him; Khaaaaaaaaaan. (I loath myself)

So that's not too hard, unless you are so indecisive that they seem similar to you so you'd go with either. Then SHAME FOR YOU! So now we've passed one hurdle, hopefully you've picked one in your head by now. I guess it really depends on your nerd preferences. Let's backtrack. Hiddleston rose to fame playing Loki, god of mischief in the Marvel Cinematic series Thor, and Thor: The Dark World, and again in the Avengers series, or perhaps you are a big Sherlock cannon nerd and love the high functioning sociopath detective brought back to life by Cumberbatch in the BBC re-imagining of it, or on that note perhaps you're a closeted Trekkie and think that Cumberbatch's Khan is way superior to Ricardo Mantalban's (in which case you'd be totally right). So whichever is your poison is probably the malevolent and yet snarky mean guy/bad guy that you'd pick to take to bed. 

Let's face it, bad guys are way more fun. Who did both Hiddleston and Cumberbatch play opposite? Chris Pine and Chris Hemsworth. And if you're the most vanilla teeny bopper that shame-eats macaroni and cheese and doesn't have a debilitating cigarette habit, you'd probably go for one of those tools, but we know better. 

Meanwhile, in photoshop hell...

Anyway! I'm throwing a monkey wrench into this whole thing. You thought I would make it easy on you wouldn't I? I like to make things as hard as I can on other people. Juxtaposed with these two cinematic villains who pull of a tailored suit at press conferences and comic cons like nobody's business I'll throw two heroes into the mix; two doctors from the famed Dr. Who franchise who are not famous for anything but; Matt Smith and David Tennant (Calm your tits, I'm aware the latter is Scottish and would effectively screw this game of most pasty skinny British person you want to bone) but let's say men from the UK? See there you go, I can be as PC as the next person. These, not unlike Hiddleston and Cumberbatch could not be more different from each other regardless of playing the exact same character. Tennant is quirky and Scottish, loud and vivacious, and perhaps the most adorkable thing that side of the pond on television. Lock that Blue police booth and put your TV on mute. Know what I'm saying? Good because I don't. I've lost the ability to make sexual innuendo, I'm too excited. Matt Smith, is much more reserved, old-word suave, and has the most pronounced five-finger forehead in history and luscious brunette locks to die for. He's that Brit stuck out of time, with a baby face, and movements like Bond that remind you of your college crush (that is if you went to an Ivy League). Hurray for sweater vests! 

Left: Matt Smith, Right: David Tennant. Both played The Doctor, both with amazing suit tie combos. Yes, I'd like one of each please. What's the cost? My soul and a close relative? No problem.

Now, me personally? I used to be queen Cumberbitch, and have no idea why I had a change of heart, I'm not going to go into it, but out of those two I'd have to go with Team Hiddleston. Out of the latter group, if you know me, you know that it's not even a question. Team Tennant. The heart wants what it wants. Now that we've narrowed it down it's Tennant vs. Hiddleston. Now it's a difficult game. The Shakespearean vet with the boarding school education, slim frame, and piercing baby bues or the goofball, pillow-lipped Scot with a 6'4 frame and snark for days? Based solely on his dance skills and we all know that's what matters in the end, gun to my head, I'm going to have to go with Team Hiddleston. I'll fight anyone who says different. Well, actually I'll fight anyone who says the same, because I don't need competition ok? He's across the pond the geography of the whole thing already makes it difficult, so back the fuck up. Anyway, feel free to take this quiz at home, and then argue your heart out a la college debate team with history, facts, and everything else you're going to chalk up to that is more than just subjective opinion, because hey, if 15 year olds can do that all the live long day about Team Jacob and Team Edward, we too should be able to forfeit our sense of cool, or any semblance of a life. Cheers mates. Hiddleston...call me. 

Below clips, including a dance off that you will want to give me a high five parade for, but no need...I do enjoy money though. 

Going 'Up' Again

A picture of an era.

I don’t know how serious or how filthy this blog is going to be or if I’m going to make it pure filth but bear with me. I just feel like talking about one of my favorite events in film. Events I call it because it is a series of British films started in 1964 following a group of children from age 7 to the age they are now. By 2012, they are 56, and the BBC just released the new installment of the Up Series; 56 Up (2012).

There were a few that bowed out but most stuck with it, so to make it superficial let’s go down the list really quick (because there’s quite a few of them featured) and define them based on their sexual prowess or lack thereof…they are British after all.

The program usually starts with Tony, an East-Ender with a cockney accent who married young, cheated on his wife by 42 Up and works as a London cabbie because he couldn’t make it as a jockey (his childhood dream). Aside from the fact that he’s rather vulgar, he’s about 5’2. So I never found him particularly attractive in any way. Also, by 56 Up we realize he’s somewhat of a racist so if that’s not a red flag I don’t know what is. 

Tony (the troublemaker, at 21)

Then there’s a trifecta of girls that went to I guess what we call ‘normal’ school, where University plans were not in the future, and lower middle class was as good as it got. Sue, Lynn, and Jackie, Jackie by far being the most obnoxious and fugly out of all of them, now left with three children to raise on her own, and not much else. I honestly never liked her because it seemed all she ever wanted to do was argue with the filmmakers. Sue got married because according to her she wanted to have a child and the two went hand in hand. She’s the most well adjusted out of all of them and works now as some kind of administrator living with her much younger coulda-been-in-Trainspotting looking boyfriend and West Highland terrier. I like her. Moving on. Lynn always wanted to help children and was adorbs up until about 21 Up, when she was already married (dang they marry early over there) but there’s not much to say about her except that she’s pretty awesome because her life mission has been to educate disadvantaged youths. 

(L to R) Jackie, Lynn, and Sue at 56 holding up pictures of themselves from the previous films.

There was another trifecta of boys who went to a preparatory boarding school, John, Andrew, and Charles, the latter of which dropped out after 28 Up. They were all from the very upper crust of England, carried themselves as if they just walked off the Downton Abbey set and all talked like Rex Harrison. John and Andrew basically remind me of how Seth MacFarlane views British people; with hideous teeth and a roguish pompous way about them. They both became solicitors (go figure) and I only imagine they have sex with all of their clothes on and the lights off, even then, I’d rather not imagine it. 

L to R - John, Andrew, and Charles talking about which Universities they will attend and what newspapers they read at 7. No seriously.

Another one worth mentioning is Suzy, she came from a privaledged background as well with a house in the country, and a totally I’m-better-than-you tude until she got married and got way domestic. She’s a Helen Mirren type, get’s better with age.

Then there’s the one that moved to America to be a scientist and now is married to some kind of human/giraffe hybrid. He was by far the best looking and most appealing out of all of them (dorky scientist thing aside) Nicholas, who grew up literally with no one around him in the Yorkshire Dales. He was hot, moving on. 

Nicholas at 49, visits the Dales again.

The last one I’m going to mention is Neil, because he’s the most interesting I can think of. He’s Cray Cray with a capital C and spent most of his life homeless even though he started out as like the cutest 7 year old later. He talks fast, has huge bags under his eyes and at times makes no sense whatsoever. He admitted in 49 Up that he hopes not to have children in his lifetime because he doesn’t want them to inherit his crazy. Probably a good move on his part. I have to admit probably in my early 20’s I’d be all over that, you know, oh poor troubled skinny British boy, I’ll mother you kind of thing, but now I’m like stay away for the love of god, I carry mace. 

Neil...what happened?

There are other children, but those are the ones that stand out to me. I’ve watched all of the films of course, a few more than once, and as Roger Ebert said the series is ‘Brilliant. It’s on my top ten films of all times list’. It’s definitely on mine. What all of it on Netflix, take a weekend and get all existential why don’t ya. You won’t regret it, believe me. 

The whole gang gathers around for a photo op at 21.

 Here's some clips and trailers. 

I am Sher-Locked

You can investigate all of my dirty little secrets.

Ok, I’m just going to say it; I am head over heels crazy balls want to kill myself in love with Benedict Cumberbatch. As I drift off to sleep every night in a fetal position wishing a warm British body was spooning me from the back, I turn on Sherlock (2010 - present) on Netflix and dream of Ben saving me from international spies.

I know I’ve written about him before only very hastily, and specified the following: He has the most British name ever. He looks like an otter (there’s even a meme for that) look it up. And I think that’s about it.

So late at night when I come home I’ve been turning on the Sherlock and watching away. It is just balls to the wall fantastic. First of all brilliantly directed and adapted. It’s very hard to take work as famous as that of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s and re-imagine it for the 21^st century. I mean look at every bullshit re-imagining of Shakespeare, fail, fail, and extraordinary fail. 

Sherlock (Cumberbatch) and Watson (Freeman) have a very close relationship. No sexual subtext, or is there?

But I would say that Cumberbatch’s portrayal of Sherlock happens to be one of the most captivating out of all of them, and this includes Ronald Howard and John Barrymore, and even Americans (well American) Robert Downey Jr.
I’d go as far to say that this is the best depiction of the enigmatic Holmes I’ve seen. It’s layered, intense, and puzzling…also homoerotic but we’ll skip that because it seems to be all I ever talk about. I discussed this after watching Game of Shadows (2011) (you can read it here Game of Bromance) regarding the relationship between Holmes and Watson so we can move on. I mean every film is homoerotic to me so let’s just skip that part. 

If Sherlock shows any signs of lust they come through in 'A Scandal in Belgravia' in the second season with the introduction of infamous dominatrix Irene Adler (Lara Pulver) shown above.

Besides, Cumberbatch himself said that he plays Holmes as somewhat asexual; too married to his work to concern himself with pussy. In a way he reminds me of Brian Kinney the Adonis from Queer as Folk (2000 - 2005) in that he shows no outward vulnerability or care for those around him and in fact takes pleasure in degrading them, but to those close to him that aren’t many, he shows extreme acts of kindness and protection.

He’s basically the exact specimen for the man I want to and should marry. British, mean, narcissistic, and dashing, with a pair of pale green eyes and chiseled cheekbones that could cut glass. Benedict, if you’re reading call me. I cook. 

Come On British Press! Show Us Ye Olde Royal Peen.

The now infamous photos leaked by TMZ last week afterwhich the palace quickly threw a muzzle on the British Press, hence the kitschy red star on the right.

Come on British press, we all struggle. Just leak one or two we won't do anything with them, except photoshop them into oblivion and send them all around the interwebs with asinine memes posted underneath. But in all seriousness, we're just curious. We don't have a royal cock over here, so we just want to get a peak. Unless you're a sad sad cave person with stolen mannequins behind the alley at Macy's that you dress up and seat around your living room to pose as friends, you've heard by now that NSFW photos have been leaked to TMZ of a drunken romp Prince Harry had in Vegas before returning to combat training. Oh dear god, I hope the world doesn't collapse on itself. 

First of all, what's the big deal? He's third in line people. Which basically means, he's not in line. More than likely, he's never going to be king. But he's young, rich, and hot. So why not get in a naked hottub psuedo-orgy before you go defend your country in a foxhole in the goddamn desert with nothing but a dehydrated meal and your AK-47 by your side? You're in Vegas. That's what Vegas is for. Do you think anyone has ever not been naked in Vegas? I don't even think it's legal to be inhabiting a hotel room in Vegas with clothes on. It's a state law. 

If anyone gives me the whole 'royal duties' speech one more time I might projectively vomit all over them.

Cadets around the world give Prince Harry a naked salute. Cheers lads.

Prince Harry is a prince, but he's no where near needing to fulfill any 'duties' except be young, have fun, and be irresponsible. He's L'enfante terrible, the rogue brother. If one of the bro's has it down in terms of duty, take a break and go party in Vegas with naked sluts.

Of course the palace put a royal kibosh on the photos so now we can only see them with an unseemly Photoshopped 'star' over what i'm sure is a really toned royal ass.  The other picture, I get it, he's covering HIMSELF up, but there's something else their keeping from us, I can just feel it, no pun intended. Now it's being revealed that VIDEO footage exists of naked Harry's hairy bird. (Yay! the most unoriginal alliteration ever!) 

And I'm pretty good at rummaging the internet for 'lost' or 'leaked' celebrity video...no I'm not...and I couldn't find one single lead on this. I'm lost in the woods. I mean when the palace says 'no', I guess it really does mean 'no'. But hey, we have the Associated Press here in the States that would gladly crawl all over this like flies on shit. What? Did you think we have integrity? We follow Lindsay Lohan around for chrissake. There is no 'bottom line' to our celebrity press. And hey, it's not like he's our Prince, to us, he's just a hot guy who's got a lot of money, and is the bad boy of his family, and who on this side of the pond doesn't find that irresistible?

All the Ladies Love Corcoran: Copper Premieres on BBC America Finally.

There's a lot of sex on this show. It's as simple as that.

BBC America has always had to compete with The States in terms of risque programming. Let's face it, next to shows like Mad Men (2007 - ), Hung (2009 - 2011), Queer as Folk (2000 - 2005), and reality fluff like Strange Sex and Jersey Shore, The BBC might as well be filmed in a convent. But they hit a home run last night with a Hell on Wheels type show about the reformation period in the United States called Copper (2012 - ). Cast with mostly unknowns...and Franka Potente from The Bourne Films and Run Lola Run (1999) fame, this is quite a gritty period drama. Most of it takes place in a brothel, so that should give you some sense of what goes down, no pun intended. A tough-as-nails reformed cop with a heart of gold who is brought from Ireland to keep peace in the Five Points struggles to maintain his integrity while having lots and lots of period corset sex with his madame girlfriend. 

I had no idea prostitutes had showers in their brothels back in the 1860's.

Also, I just have to add, I love how prostitutes from the 1800's are always portrayed as cleaner than say a contemporary prostitute...ok that sounded wrong; modern-day prostitute. Contemporary prostitute sounds like part of a master's thesis, moving on! 

But seriously, I'm sure they didn't have quite as many teeth as Franka Potente, and she still somehow manages to look like she just came straight to set from a Beverly Hills spa, ready to whore it up with the tortured, filthy, but sexy as balls Irishman. Yeah where's that set, sign me up, I'll bring the coffee, I'll gofur, I don't care. 

Corcoran's weapon of choice.

It looks like BBC America has finally started to catch up sex-wise and riding that psychotic horse to its burning stable (bad analogy, I know) but I was thinking 'burning loins' and that's where that came from. Again, off track. 

In the pilot we learn, that Copper (a.k.a Kevin Corcoran) played by super-super-super hot actor Tom Weston-Jones (who? I know, I don't know either) has a past. He's in the big apple (not sure they called it that in 1860 but whateves) searching for the man who killed his wife and daughter, or something like that, I was REALLY distracted by all the sex. Therefore, he's got this soft spot, you know, when a little girl gets brutally murdered and her corpse defiled...yes that kind of thing is on the show too. I realized I might not be selling this all that well any more, but I will say this, it's aesthetically pleasing and has plenty of potential, and it's only been one episode. So if BBC America is on your cable box, then perhaps you can start getting your jollies from a channel other than AMC. Hope you like it!

Below, the promo.