So the production of Bohemian Rhapsody is well under way with director Bryan Singer who debuted with The Usual Suspects back in the 90's and went on to make no more good movies, and of class action lawsuit for having sex with underaged boys at his Hollywood mansion fame. Just so you know, this production went through like 18 casting changes and I don't even know how many fall outs over creative differences. Apparently the gramps with amps, leftovers of Queen; Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor want to make it more about the band than a Fred bio-pic. Let's be real, people only liked or in my case loved Queen because of Fred Mercury. He was the creative glue that gifted us with truly one of the most amazing stage presences and one that seems impossible for imitation, some of the most innovative songs in the Rock 'n Roll cannon, and an unforgettable voice making him truly one of the greatest front men of any era. And without him, the others would have faded into obscurity before the 70's even started. Sasha Baron Cohen was in line to play him and I supported that. He has a great voice as he's proved in the terrible film Les Miserables, and it's an inspiring casting decision considering he's a comic actor but has a presence and eccentricity factor akin to Mercury himself. Then they cast Ben Whishaw, I mean...whatever. Eventually it all fell on Rami Malek's gorgeously flawless shoulders, and early release photos are indicative that he's got this down. What is kind of annoying, aside from having a confirmed rapist directing a film about one of my favorite icons of music, is that Freddie has been dead for 20 years, his long time lover and life partner Jim Hutton died in 2010, and Brian and Roger are the only ones who 'want to do Freddie justice' granted, they know him very well, they were like a family, a band is a marriage blah blah blah, but it still seems like this would be their baby and their interpretation of Fred's legacy rather than an objective homage to this god-like figure. Well, we'll see. In this spirit of this highly anticipated film here's a list of other very inspired casting decisions in music bio-pics
The film culminates in Queen's iconic performance at Live Aid in 1985.
Val Kilmer as Doors frontman Jim Morrison and everyone in the supporting cast of Across the Universe can fuck off.
Also goes without saying that Jamie Foxx and Ray Charles and Angela Bassett as Tina Turner are iconic and it their performances are basically seamless. So here are some lesser-known imitators.
Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn in Coal Miner's Daughter because well yeah.
O'Shea Jackson Jr. as his own father Ice Cube in Straight Outta Compton. That's quite the responsibility, in fact I kinda dig the whole cast of the film.
Gary Oldman's premiere performance as Sid Vicious in Sid and Nancy. I remember thinking; holy shit who is that. They found his fucking twin, also they make being a junkie look pretty glamorous. Also, lest we forget, this is the film premiere of one Courtney Love. (Strangely not as Nancy Spungen).
Most bio-pics about The Beatles really suck. This isn't that. In Nowhere Boy, Aaron Taylor-Johnson plays a very young John Lennon in his art school days, wanting to start a skiffle band and reuniting with his estranged mother only to have her die in a car accident a few months later. He meets Paul McCartney and the seeds of the Beatles are planted. It's really not about the band at all, and Aaron Taylor-Johnson gives a very mature performance while being only 17 during shooting and falling in love with his director Sam Taylor-Wood...they went on to get married despite the 33 year age difference, and she went on to direct Fifty Shades of Grey...it was a simple time.
The main cast of The Runaways. Yeah Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart did Twilight movies together, but let's just forget that happened for two seconds and focus on this tiny film where no doubt the main cast had to take major salary cuts in order to play one of the most important glitter rock/punk rock cross over all-girl bands in an era of cock rock. But i'm sure Dakota and Kristen could afford it with their Twilight money to play Cherie Currie and Joan Jett respectfully. They actually nailed it. Teenage chicks in corsets and electric guitars...in the 70's...it was just so damn cool. I miss them.
professional alcoholic and pouty lip caddy John Rhys-Meyers was only 21 when he undertook the role of Bryan Slade; a Marc Bolan and David Bowie hybrid in Velvet Goldmine, hands down, one of my favorite films; one of my favorite sub-genre's of music; Glam rock. Directed by one of my favorite living filmmakers Todd Haynes, so really pretty fucking perfect.
Ewan McGregor; same movie. Curt Wild was an amalgam of two of my favorite musicians; Iggy Pop and Lou Reed. And all the other favorites I mentioned prior, so you get it.
Out of the 7 actors that played a version of Bob Dylan, Cate Blanchett definitely outshines all of them in I'm Not There (again, by Todd Haynes), not just because of the gender fluidity, but her speaking style, mannerisms, and attitude of Bob Dylan during his rock transition was absolutely something else. She should have won the Oscar that year. You know what? She should win every Oscar she's nominated for.
Oddly hot weirdo Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line was the role he was born to play. It was nuanced and really worked on, you could tell that it was almost an immersion and not an imitation.
Petit Frenchy Marion Cotillard won an Oscar for her performance of national treasure Edith Piaf. I kind of am severely in love with Edith Piaf, the first music I listened to was all of her recordings, so it's kind of an unhealthy obsession. I truly believe that no better music exists. A lot comes close but Piaf poured her heart into every song and the passion of her voice gets under your skin and grabs you by the spine. This metaphor is not making any sense. She is the greatest torch singer to ever torch sing, and the pain of her life is in every note she hits. Marion did her own singing, and she nailed the fuck out of this.
What's the first song you learned to play on guitar?
-The House of the Rising Sun
First thing you do after you get an idea for a song?
-I rub one out
What is your songwriting process?
-A lot of crying and white wine
What song took the least time to write?
-'Fuck it' in E Flat
What song took you the longest to write?
-The Libretto to Hamilton ...I wrote that.
Is this the room where you keep awards?
-Does a CPR certificate count as awards?
Who is your favorite teacher?
Graig Uhlin at NYU who taught my first Warhol class.
If you could teach one subject what would it be?
Sarcasm.
What's your favorite beverage?
Cold brew.
What's your favorite cocktail?
Anything single malt.
What's your favorite food?
Bacon.
What would you order at a drive through?
Starbucks just made a drive through near my house, so Starbucks
Best birthday cake you've ever had?
For my 28th birthday my friend got me a Strawberry Shortcake from Sweet Lady Jane in West Hollywood. They use fresh seasonal berries and make their own buttercream. It was ridiculous.
What was the last thing you baked?
Meth.
What's one thing you need to have in your fridge at all times?
Grapes.
What is one thing you still have from childhood?
A creepy horror movie looking doll.
What is your favorite TV show of all time?
Arrested Development
What is your favorite show currently on air?
Halt and Catch Fire
What is your favorite movie?
Seriously?
What movie recently made you cry your eyes out?
The Theory of Everything
Why do you think you're the most followed person on Instagram?
My Instagram account is actually a front for a brothel I run.
Have you ever Googled yourself?
Daily.
What do you think when you google yourself?
Google still hasn't learned how to spell my name.
If you had one superpower what would it be?
Mind reading.
If you were not a singer what would you be doing?
Polishing my Tony collection and doing a Scrooge McDuck dive into my giant room of money.
Cool or bizarre talent?
I can say it but you're not going to like it.
Whats something you can’t do?
There's nothing I can't do.
What is the best compliment you've ever received?
Is that Kirsten Dunst?
Whats the best gift you've ever received?
My mom got me a gold Tiffany's bean for my graduation...which I lost so when I finished grad school she got me a platinum one to teach me a lesson.
One habit you wish to break? Boys.
Do you have any nicknames?
My friend calls me Gigi because she thinks I look like Gigi Hadid, she's my favorite.
What surprises you about people?
Celebrities are really short.
What makes you laugh?
Children on leashes.
What does creativity mean to you?
Tennessee Williams.
What's most adventurous thing you've ever done?
My roommates and I did 5 sprints back and forth in Morningside Park at 2 am for exercise but I think we were drunk.
What are your favorite lyrics?
Shake your head girl, with your pony tail, takes me right back, when we were young. From 'If There is Something' by Roxy Music
One song you wish you'd written? Killer Queen by Queen
Best fan moment? I have haters not fans.
Whats your most memorable career moment? Facilitating the opening night red carpet for Cinequest
What's one accomplishment you're proud of? Graduating from Columbia University with honors.
What is one thing you want to try but are too scared to? Snake blood.
What is your spirit animal? George Clooney's pet pig.
Where should you take my wife? A swingers bar.
Advice for singers? Stop writing shit.
Do you have any pre-show rituals? I plead the 5th.
Most difficult song to perform on stage? I always think I'm going to kill Christina Aguilera on karaoke night and I'm always wrong.
How many cats are in this room? I'm allergic.
If you were a cat would you get along with your cats? No.
How many cat breeds can you name in 10 seconds? Sphynx, Main Coon, British Shorthair, Tabby, Scottish Fold, Germany.
What's the coolest thing in this room?
I have a bottle of 2010 Chateau Margaux.
What is one woman’s closet you'd raid?
Tilda Swinton
What's your favorite fashion trend? Mod eye make-up
What do you have to have in your purse besides your phone and wallet?
Eye liner.
What are you wearing to this year's Met Gala? Alexander McQueen
What did i want to do at age 5? I wanted to be a Marine Biologist I think, which is a glorified way of saying I wanted to be a SeaWorld Trainer.
What do you wish you knew at 19? Some people suck.
What is something you will not be doing in 10 years? Babies.
What is the most important life lesson? Get over it.
What can you say in another language? My favorite Hebrew expression is 'Chaval al ha Zman' it means 'waste of time' you say it sarcastically when you had a good time.
What do you love most about the town you grew up in? That the Nazi's tried to take it and we were too badass to give it up.
What is the bravest thing you've ever done? Admitted I loved someone.
What's the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Drugs?
What is your one most important goal?
To have my play produced.
What is your favorite scented candle? Bond #9 Sag Harbor.
Hard to sum up everything awesome about the 90's in just 11 things. Here's 11 more. Because 22 just about covers it. Look at how good my math is. So here's some more stuff that gives me a nostalgia boner. Again, in no particular order:
Raves. Before you Coachella jerk offs made music festivals basic, and mainstream, raves were the it thing in the 90's. I'm not going to incriminate myself and talk about ALL of it, but it was our Studio 54. I was a bit of a Candy Kid, wearing bracelets up to my elbows and honest to god thought House music was the shit. (no comment). This was back in the day where you had to go to like an abandoned warehouse, get a secret map, go to another location get another secret map and a glitter butterfly sticker and finally find yourself in an abandoned warehouse between stab street and murder avenue. Good times.
Nu Metal. Yes darlings, your angelic friend was once full on into baggy wide legged pants, the Vans Warped Tour and Korn with a backwards R. It was all very angsty and alternative; two adjectives that defined my teens. Fun fact: I was a cheerleader despite all of that my junior year of high school and our big end routine was to Limp Bizkit's Rollin' yeah...I get sick just thinking about it.
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon winning Best Screenplay. Before Batfeck and Jason Bourne, there was Ben and Matt, two kids barely old enough to drive who wrote arguably the best script of that year, turned into Good Will Hunting with iconoclast director Gus Van Sant at the helm. But it's their speech after receiving the golden naked dude presented to them by Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau that I can watch over and over again.
The Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert. In 1991 Freddie Mercury, legendary frontman of Queen added his name to an ever growing list of casualties of AIDS. By then, Queen was my favorite band (my dad taught me well) and a year later his remaining band mates accompanied by some of musics' biggest acts such as Elton John, George Michael, David Bowie and Annie Lennox paid tribute to him in an unprecedented concert at Wembley Stadium, the profits of which went to various AIDS charities. It gives me goosebumps to watch it to this day and though most people's favorite part was Elton John's duet with Axl Rose of 'Bohemian Rhapsody', but George Michael singing 'Somebody to Love' steals the show.
Life After Death. After the fatal shooting of its artist, the aptly titled album 'Life After Death' hit Tower Records, and yeah I camped out for a CD. Helmed by anthems like 'Hypnotize' and 'Mo Money Mo Problems', even us white dorks were able to appreciate its artistry, sadly it would be the last of Biggie's gifts. Put it on a loop and drive aimlessly. Trust me.
O Captain, My Captain. Again, if you grew up in the 90's this scene from Dead Poets Society is tattooed on your skull. Do you know how much the youtube views jumped after the tragic and untimely death of its star Robin Williams? That's what makes this scene even more resonant now, and even more heartbreaking. I seriously can't watch it without crying, but now it's can't watch it without full on bawling. Fight the power boys.
The 'Closer' music video. Long before Taylor Swift's annoyingly iconic 'Shake it Off' video, Mark Romanek was just a struggling short film director until Trent Reznor tapped him to direct Nine Inch Nails' breakthrough video for the song 'Closer'. Shot on a hand crank silent 16 mm Bolex similar to the cameras used by Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin and layered with disturbing imagery like a monkey tied to a cross and a pig head spinning on a metal torture contraption I don't have to tell you, I immediately loved it.
Death Row Records. When Death Row Records was formed in 1991 by Dre, Suge Knight and The D.O.C., it launched some of the greatest artists of the early 90's including Tupac, Snoop, and Nate, and inadvertently ignited hostilities between West coast and East coast rap empires that lead to the untimely deaths of Tupac and the aforementioned Biggie. Beyond the tragedy and politics, Death Row Records gave us kids in the suburbs something we couldn't stop listening to and something that terrified our parents. Talk about two birds.
Welcome to the Dollhouse. You probably know by now that I don't go for your typical movies, or even a-typical. And it's even more rare that I watch a movie that I still would bear hug today. Welcome to the Dollhouse might be that anomaly. Director Todd Haynes didn't push the envelope, he built an airplane of it and shoved it sideways up Hollywood's ass. It's the most bizarre, non sequitur, heart-felt, and heart-breaking story you'll ever see about an 11 year old. I saw it at 11 and at 32, it still speaks to me.
Paul Verhoeven. Here's a list for ya. Basic Instinct. Showgirls. Total Recall. Starship Troopers. Need I say more?
Let's be real. Were any of us rooting for these two to settle down and make horrifically basic babies? Half country bumpkin, half awkward trust fund do-nothing? Too soon? Not really because we really did see it all coming. And if you didn't you're a liar. I've been of the opinion now for a while that Taytay dates solely for the purpose of material. And hey she's young, I mean by Southern standards, she's an old maid, but since when was she actually country? Those cowboy boots were more hipster than Nashville.
Hey remember when this was 'texting'? Me neither, and definitely not you Taylor.
That lady needs some counseling, I mean we all do, but that's not always how you deal with grief, and boyfriend problems. And if you lead a real life (which she doesn't) are not real grief. Get on some Lexapro, take up pottery, and please stop air your period-blood soaked dirty laundry into all of our ears. It got old right around the John Mayer era. Look at bands like ABBA, Fleetwood Mac, Sonny and Cher for chrissake. Rumors (by Fleetwood Mac) was an album made by and for people cheating on each other. It's one of the greatest albums of all time, and 'Don't Stop' was President Bill Clinton's campaign song. Can you picture a Swift song being in a campaign? Didn't think so.
One album. 11 songs. Perfect. Done and done.
You are far from writing about real heartache sister. Please give it a rest. You're not Billie Holiday, Etta James, or even Amy Winehouse. 'Back in Black' is towers above any garbage about the grab bag of celebrities that you've ever dated. And that's one song...against your entire career. Sorry love. And I hate to say this but it's what we're all thinking...Maybe it's not them, maybe it's you sugar plum. If you've had a bad break up with every single person you've dated maybe you're the problem.
I will give you this one - you finally found a teensy bit of heart, and a really cool beat (which you sampled from an 80's synthesizer) in 'Out of the Woods' off of 1989 (I can't say that without gagging, excuse me). And it's a very beautiful song, reflecting on how we all as women have felt in our relationship, not just us in high school or even middle school. It wasn't 'why won't he call me back? This totally sucks, I can't even' which is basically the stripped down narrative to most of her music. it's written about a not-so -secret crush of mine Harry Styles (formerly of One Direction) Go ahead and judge, I reject your judgement. He, in turn, wrote 'Perfect' about her ...allegedly.
'And if you're looking for someone to write your break up songs about, baby I'm perfect' Nailed it.
Please spare us a Calvin Harris record. Courtney Love even refused to do a 'widow record' after Kurt Cobain died, even though there was a lot of pressure from her label. So how about putting that laundry back in a dark closet and just generally keeping your mouth shut for a while. And I've seen your interviews. Don't tell me songs were 'sometimes too hard to write' like you're Dylan Thomas or somebody. You're a millenial who serial dates. There's about a billion of them. God help you if you ever get a Tinder account. Actually that might be unintentionally campy and amazing. Please do a Tinder date horror story record. I am begging you now. It will be way more interesting than the whiney basic stuff you've been shoving down our throats for over 6 years now.
Below clips:
Taylor at the height of her pretentiousness, totally ripped off Lana Del Rey's 'Born to Die'.
Amy Winehouse explains the lyrics to the haunting 'Back to Black' produced by Mark Ronson.
One Direction's performs 'Perfect' at the AMA's. Probably the only song about Taytay to throw some shade. Because most people just don't give a shit anymore.
I did not make this brilliant poster art. I'm not creative enough.
We all cried our eyes out when Zayn quit One Direction seven months ago. I know I couldn't eat, sleep, or start a sentence without breaking into tears for weeks. It was worse than when Gerry left the Spice Girls...or when the Beatles broke up. I still can't even. I've lost all ability to even. We all know that the magic boy band formula calls for 5 as the magic number, and 4 is bullshit. Joey Justin Chris Jc and Lance. Nick Brian Kevin Howie and AJ. Niall Louis Harry Liam and ZAYN. For fuck's sake. You can't just ask me to cut off 1/5th of the magic formula, then it's not so magical anymore, think about it.
I feel like the world has gone crazy and I want off. Louis is pregnant, Zayn quit the group. What's next? Harry dates Taylor Swift? Wait, that already happened. Motherfuck. Just the name of the band suggest that no one is allowed to quit and stays there until the bitter end...much like the Pope. Wait, the last Pope quit didn't he. What is happening?
Oh to be that dude that has to photoshop Zayn out of group photos for a living.
Now what am I supposed to do with that lower back tattoo of the first cover art of 'Up All Night' with all of their names written in cursive underneath? Tattoo a 'no longer there' above 'Zayn'? No! I'm in enough pain as it is. I'm telling you, people. Prepare yourself for the worst. Louis is going to have a baby and probably going to have to quit next. Then I know Harry's going to cave because he's this close to his own record deal and is too young and shiny to pass that up. Then who have we got Niall and Liam, what is it going to be a Sonny and Cher kind of thing? One of them is going to have to learn a folk instrument and I'm not sticking around to watch either of them struggle with a ukulele. Clearly my entire life is flashing before my eyes, and I'm thinking the worst because that's how I'm programmed. But I can't see a functioning world without One Direction. Who else believes they're single-handedly responsibly for stimulating our economy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? ...Harry Styles for President? Too far? Yeah that's too far.
The male pop superstar recipe calls for 5 members, and 4 just doesn't taste as good.
But you know what America? We're a nation of survivors and we're going to make it through this. It's been 7 months, and just like someone in AA would i've been counting the days of how long I've gone without Zayn. I have my tough moments but I have a 1D sponsor that I can call and they'll come over and play 'The Story of My Life' at full volume while they force feed me cookie dough and everything returns to normal. And if retrospect if any of them was going to quit first (which is an inevitability in the boy band universe) I'm fine with it being Zayn. My holy trinity is Harry Louis and Niall. I think Niall's the Holy Ghost but I'm not sure. I think that the rest of the world agrees with me. Had it been Liam, there would be rioting. And let's be real, unlike BSB and 'N Sync, One Direction doesn't need 5 voices to harmonize. In case you hadn't lost ALL respect for me just yet, let me enlighten you. Justin is a lead tenor, JC is a high tenor, Chris is a counter tenor, Joey is a baritone and Lance Bass is all about the bass (lame puns rear their ugly head). Clearly they all studied opera because together those 5 voices make a beautiful harmony that hypnotizes girls in their teens to spend millions of their parents' money. I know One Direction can sing, but they're not as chemically inclined as the rest, put it that way if that makes sense. Ok fine, THEY CAN'T SING. Do I care?? Does anyone? What I'm saying is that since the release of their first single since Zayn's departure I can't tell the difference. Sounds the same. I just miss his face. I'd grown so accustomed to it (musical theater reference, what.)
Below, videos from the good ol' days. I can barely bring myself to watch their new videos, not only because I can't in public for fear of being ostracized by society but because my heart still hasn't recovered from the loss.
Well ladies and gents. I've reached 400. My god what have I done with my life? I started his blog in 2010, and have finally gotten to 400. I consider that a feat, I don't care. I'm very proud of my blog and can't believe it's been 5 years and 400 posts. I've written probably about 7 pieces on Marilyn Monroe, about as many on Edie Sedgwick, Orson Welles, Spring Breakers, Downton Abbey...and then it came to me. Ask yourself...who whether you like it or not is a living icon that our generation grew up on? Who is perhaps the most photographed person right now? And who is instantly recognizable in their work, look, or sound? Let's spare anymore suspense....It's Britney, bitch.
For my 400th I thought the best thing to do was to give you the ultimate countdown of her best music videos. She's had quite a lot of them, and not all made the cut. But every single one is special in its own way and molded the persona, career, and immortality of perhaps our generation's most recognizable figure. Recently she received one of those 'Lifetime achievement awards' at the VMA's (not sure what they call it) Video Vanguard, that's it. It was given to her by Lady Gaga and a tribute of her greatest moments was performed. Love her, hate her, or simply don't care, you can't not acknowledge that she is now synonymous with pop culture. We've watched her grow from a teeny-bopper school girl, into a villainous sex-pot, watched her self-destruct, and rise from the ashes like the Phoenix that she is. If you're my age, it's hard to remember a time when Britney wasn't part of our lives, and I think all of us are surprised that she's lasted this long. Homegirl might not have the voice of Whitney Houston, the versatility of Madonna, or the creative bravado or Lady Gaga, but there's no question that she's earned her place not only in the music industry, but in iconography. This is mainly due to her music videos so let's start the countdown shall we?
10. Piece of Me (2007)
At #10, we have Piece of Me.
This is perhaps her most blatant fuck-you to the media that’s haunted her for
most of her life. Every single lyric says it all. ‘I’m Mrs. She’s to thick now
she’s too thin’, ‘I’m Mrs. Oh my god that Britney’s shameless’ …’you want a
piece of me?’. The video is simple enough. It’s her barely dancing against
bright colorful flashing lights, and every once in a while cuts to her doing
something that she became notorious for doing; partying and having it show up
on a newspaper. It’s a very unapologetic message. Someone once compared her to
the female Elvis. No, she’s not as talented as him, it’s meant in the way that
no one was ever that famous and thrust into the blinding glare of the media
spotlight basically all the livelong day. I can see why she had a meltdown
eventually. And with this song she’s not saying ‘poor me, leave me alone’.
She’s saying, ‘come and get it, bitch’.
9. Everytime (2004)
This is perhaps the video that I
still struggle with but I had to include it if for no better reason than that
the song is sung by a cornrowed James Franco in one of my favorite films ever; Spring Breakers. I swear every time the
song ends I hear Franco’s voice in my head whisper ‘Spring Breaaaaak’. It
literally doesn’t make any sense, but the song is very pretty. It’s one of the
few ballads that Britney’s ever done, and it’s the best one. In the video she’s
in a hospital, then she’s arguing with a boyfriend (played comically enough by
Stephen Dorff), then she’s dead, then she’s in a bathtub. I don’t get it. I
really don’t. It kind of looks like a really bad student film, but Britney
makes it come together. The imagery matches the tone and the lilting lyrics of
the song. She get’s my approval…as does James Franco. Sometimes I think I
prefer his version more.
This is the first collaboration
with director Joseph Kahn. It’s somewhat non-linear and weird, but the
choreography makes up for it. She’s in some kind of spinning room like the
restaurant at the Marriott in Times Square…then she’s driving a car over a
collapsed highway in the rain, but the best part of course is her dance with a
moving chair. That was very Gene Kelly/Fred Astaire of her, and totally blew my mind. Also, if you listen to the lyrics, it’s about a lot of
fluff obviously, but it’s very deliberately contradicting her former attitude
towards men. When in Baby…One More Time there’s the line ‘my loneliness is
killing me’ in Stronger the lyric goes ‘my loneliness ain’t killing me no
more’. Heavy right? She’s a poet.
6. Womanizer (2008)
I love Womanizer. It was the
first single from Circus, and had announced to the world; Hey everyone, I’m not
batshit anymore…and I have hair again. It’s basically a Toxic Part II, but
steamier. Instead of writhing around on the floor in a nude glitter suit, she’s
again, in a sauna, completely naked narrating the story of a woman who stalks
her cheating boyfriend by (again) having three incarnations. The song is
actually brilliant when you think about it. The chorus is unique in how
repetitive and fast it is, and this video displays Britney’s confidence better
than any other. She’s playing by her own rules now people, don’t be the unlucky
one that gets in her way.
5. ...Baby One More Time (1999)
Ah the video that started it all.
I know considering its significance it should probably be number 1, but as a
video it’s not as strong as some of the others; and that is exactly the essence
of Britney. When this single and the video hit, people were asking themselves;
how does a pop star possibly top that? She did. Many a time. But let’s go back.
Turns out the concept was all Britney’s idea. The director wanted some kind of
cartoonish thing, but Britney suggested that they set it in a school and donned
the now iconic schoolgirl uniform to dance to some of the most 90’s choreography
ever. Ironically, the whole wardrobe for everyone in the video was bought at
K-Mart. It appealed to that very evil thing in men where you dress like a slut
but tell people you’re a virgin. She had the little girl bangs, the falsetto
out-of-breath voice, and the goddamn pigtails and announced her arrival in a
very ballsy way.
4. Circus (2008)
Circus is just a very well
directed video. Off of her album…Circus, it’s set in a…circus. It’s funny how Christina
Aguilera always seems to be on the music video heels of Britney because after
this video dropped, Christina’s Hurt premiered, and it was also set in a
circus. Not to mention that Christina’s infamous fuckfest orgy video for Dirrty hit about 2 months after I’m a Slave 4 U and even though it was
blatantly more sexual, I remember thinking; ‘Britney did it better’. Anyway,
Britney was fresh from her very public meltdown and wanted to prove that she
was still at the top of her game. She looked amazing, playing a ringmaster, and
the choreography was a break from what we’d usually seen her do. It was much
more complex and advanced, proving to everyone that this bitch can dance.
3. I'm a Slave 4 U (2001)
Perhaps Britney’s sexiest video
and maybe one of the sexiest videos of all time. Britney was no longer the
school girl with a midriff that won’t quit. Donning leather low-riders and a
few pieces of bright pink fabric to cover her boobs, the video puts her in a
giant sauna of some kind. Everyone is sweaty as fuck, and just has to dance
damn it. Some costume genius decided to spray Britney with olive oil in between
takes so she always looks like she’s dripping in sweat, and what’s sexier than
that? The heavy panting probably. I remember watching it for the first time and
being ‘Woah, what happened to innocent school girl Britney?’ This was her
loudest transition into her sex-pot persona. She played this up by performing
the song at that year’s VMA’s with a live giant python wrapped around her. It’s
considered to be one of the best and most significant performances of that
show’s history.
2. Oops!...I Did It Again (2000)
I’m sorry but I love this song
and the video, albeit totally weird, it is hilarious and infectiously catchy just
like the song. After ...Baby One More Time, everyone thought; well she’s cool and
of the times, but who knows if she has staying power? When Oops!…I Did it Again
dropped, coupled with a solid video, people realized Britney was here to stay.
In her red cat suit, and that ridiculous choreography she became an icon before
our very eyes. More than anything, it’s just fun, and even if you hated it, you
really loved it and rock out to it when the windows are rolled up. And admit
it, you can do the dance too.
1. Toxic (2003)
Did you really not see this coming? Toxic is not only her best video
but her best song. It was the first conscious
break from the bubble-gum pop era of Britney and the first single off her 4th
album ‘In the Zone’. She teamed up with avant-garde video director Joseph Kahn again, who previously worked with the likes of Eminem, Moby, Christina Aguilera, and
TLC. It’s the first of her videos to tell a cohesive (albeit highly surreal and
hyper-visualized) story that involves an angry beauty seeking revenge on a man that
wronged her and eventually killing him. Britney has three significant
incarnations that not only make her look unbelievable, but helped disguise her in her
quest. Tyson makes a cameo as her motorcycle driver, and of course there’s that
nude suit with glitter on it barely concealing well anything in the video. The song style
borrows heavily from the music of the 70’s, particularly ABBA and was an
instant hit. The video is just as iconic, and signified that Britney was
growing up.
Now rock out like there's no one there to judge you.
Below, that Video Vanguard thing I was talking about.
