Which Show Character will Pete Campbell Have Sex With Next?

Since hooking up with everyone's favorite nicey-nice Gilmore Girl Alexis Bledel, it begs the question, who's next on the roster of folks Pete cheats on Trudy (Alison Brie) with...here's what I imagined.

I would lead in with field mouse Karen Cartwright (Katherine McPhee) on Smash even though they are decades apart, they both live in New York, and she's very field mousy and impressionable, I think he could sweet talk her into it, convincing her she can be in Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce's new commercial for Heinz beans.

He'd definitely do the nasty with Chloe (Krysten Ritter) of Don't Trust the B---- in Apt 23 but she'd forget about him the second he left her apartment in the village. And the Beeks would probably like 'um...wtf?'

Hannah Horvath (Lena Dunham) from Girls seems like a good fit that could actually lead to something but she's a little chubby for Pete's taste, but then again, he is getting bald so it evens out.But I'm not sure he'd venture that far into Brooklyn.

I would love for Pete to experiment with Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) from Breaking Bad if he ever takes a trip out to Arizona. How hot would that be? The answer is 'very'.

And you know he'd be all up in Serena Van Der Woodsen (Blake Lively) from Gossip Girl but she would rebuff him like the bitch that he is.

But the perfect match has to be Ellen Parsons (Rose Byrne) of Damages, she's upper west side, high-end take-no-shit lawyer that would teach him a thing or twelve. And she thinks like him (i.e. how to get ahead no matter what) but she's a heart-breaker. He'd probably end up using that gun he bought randomly and holds every once in a while on that show. Did you guys forget about that? Pete Campbell has a gun.

Armond White Inspired TV Better-Than List (Filthier Than...)

Mad Men > Downton Abbey
Unpredictable romances and devastating results, stylized but believable that makes us truly nostalgic. substance vs. aesthetic.

(note I really like Downton Abbey, it's one of the best shows on television but Mad Men IS better folks, if we're comparing the two)

Dance Moms > Smash
Truth is stranger than fiction, a portrayal of performers that's truly devastating. Retrospective vs. Exploitation.

Cougar Town > Happy Endings
An estrogen farm that's not disingenuous. Satire vs. Sanctimonious Snark.

Portlandia > I Just Want My Pants Back
Hipster skewering manages to still be interesting and unapologetic. Comedy vs. Sarcasm.

Jersey Shore > Keeping Up With the Kardashians
The former manages to keep the most hateful types of people somehow endearing and vastly interesting.
Marketing genius vs. shameless self-promotion.

GCB > Hart of Dixie 
Although teetering on exploitive, GCB manages to remain dirty and amusing while Hart of Dixie has always sustained a monotonous fish-out-of-water immaturity. Blunt vs. Bland.

Raising Hope > Modern Family 
Chaotic and bizarre in ways that don't get cliche'd fast. Insight vs. Redundancy.

The Secret Circle > The Vampire Diaries
A show about mystical and mysterious sexualized hotties that's deliberately campy.
Ironic fabulousness vs. trying too hard.

Whitney > Are You There Chelsea 
Although completely off on it's comedy, Whitney accentuates the filth and wins in the better-dirty-jokes race.
Authenticity vs. Gimmick

(another note: everything would be better than Glee so I'm not going to compare it to anything)

Smashing Just Isn't What it Used to Be

  Derek, the arrogant, womanizing director of the Marilyn musical ends up having a passionate affair with Ivy, the ambitious young star of said musical, and surprise surprise, he's kind of just using her and doesn't care about her as much as she does about him. How shocking. 

It's 4 episodes into Smash (2012 - ), and I'm really started to get riled up, which is very cute to everyone around me, but I can't help feeling personally offended somehow by this show. Bare with me. 

As someone who knows entirely too much about Marilyn Monroe, and I'm talking about the real Marilyn-Norma-Jean-Miller-DiMaggio-Baker-Mortensen-Monroe, and not the two-dimensional poster child that Smash keeps making her out to be by stating asinine things like 'they never paid her as much as she was worth' and 'she said she didn't want to be made into a joke', barely scraping the surface of the intensely complex and layered character that she actually is, I am consistently annoyed that this show can't hire just one Marilyn historian, or at least do a couple hours of homework reading a biography or two. 

Look it's all fine to skim the surface when creating a Broadway musical about your subject and take creative liberties in order to punch out spectacular numbers with plenty of pizazz, but don't try to get serious by cramming in scenes between the writer and producer in which they lament over how sad Marilyn's life was over drinks like they've lived it. Please. 

Listen I haven't lived it either but I don't pretend to. 

Moving on, it's kind of a bad sign when by episode 4 you already hate every single principal character. They have been shoving all of their imperfections down our throats so blatantly that you can't help but be completely annoyed by all of them. Even the characters with whom we are all supposed to identify; Karen Cartwright the unlucky outsider, Ellis Tanchereon the lowly insignificant intern with ambition, Julia Houston the awkward but successful loner unlucky in love, and so on and so forth, but they have become the most repulsive characters on the roster. 

And now, they've brought in Nick Jonas and squeezed in a couple of Adele songs to make it more catchy, but it can't mask that the show is royally failing, just like it's musical. 

Ivy later seduces Nick Jonas, who plays this hot-shot teen star named Lyle West who's musical is worth 80 million dollars. She was feeling jealous that Derek inevitably reverted back to his womanizing ways and so it made it ok for her to have sex with a 15 year old. What?

Overall, this is supposed to be a show about the dog-eat-dog yet alluring world of the Great White Way and everyone in it; from the chorus to the star. It's supposed to be some kind of satiric tell-all about this business we call show, and how people will do anything, and anyone apparently to get to the top and stay there. It's trying to be the new television juggernaut that breaks down barriers by giving its audience an in to an otherwise exclusive atmosphere, but even the flashiest gimmicks cannot mask the terrible and trite writing and execution of this show. It is trying so hard to be a combination of All About Eve (1950) and A Star is Born (1954) through the All That Jazz (1979) filter, but it just doesn't have the originality, sincerity, and if you'll forgive me, gaul that its predecessors used to make themselves so memorable. 

And let me point out something extremely lacking and also extremely important to the whole scope of this series; Marilyn's raw sexuality. Poor Megan Hilty (who is cast as the titular character in the fictitious Marilyn musical) is very talented, and is a showbiz veteran, i'll give her that, but imitating Marilyn's high raspy voice, and sultry seductive movements is just not enough. It's just another notch in the doomed pastiche of television's fascination with musical theater. 

There is simply nothing sincere in any sexual scenario that is presented in Smash. Do impressionable ingenues sleep with producers for a part? Yes. Are busty blondes appealing to most audiences? Yes. Do affairs make it awkward for one to work with that same person later? Yes. We get it. You're not teaching us anything new Smash, and you're certainly not capturing the sexual spirit of Marilyn. 

If there is one more karaoke-bar scene, this show is going to officially pass into the kitschy fluff, And with lines like 'go back to the chorus, there's nothing safe about being a star' had me gagging on my chocolate chip ice cream. 

I'm going to give Megan Hilty an 'A' for effort, but it's going to take a lot more than a pearly white smile and tight-ass sweater to endear her character Ivy to the audience, and even more to make us believe that she can pull off Marilyn.  

I was going to let that 3rd episode slide, but now that we're on our 4th and you still haven't shown us anything really sincere or genuine about Marilyn or the world of Broadway, I'm going to go ahead and give you a second strike. One more left, hope you nail it. So to speak.  

Lets Smash and Smush

Katherine McPhee on the left and Megan Hilty on the right as the two main contenders for Marilyn Monroe

So the highly anticipated musical/drama series Smash premieres tonight and if you're like me, you couldn't wait to get into the Broadway spirit and watched it on your computer last night on Hulu. Here's a rundown. Katherine McPhee (from American Idol fame) plays a down and out actress/waitress originally from the midwest who has the talent but doesn't have the luck in the show business game, until two quirky lyricists (Debra Messing and Christian Borle) decide to milk the idea of a musical based on the life of one Marilyn Monroe. Sound corny yet? Hang in there.

There will be a baseball number, and a lot of glittery pink dresses, it's going to be that Marilyn story that everyone has been waiting for since her untimely demise back in 1962, and there's already a favorite for the lead; a busty, buxom, center-of-attention blonde named Ivy Lynn (Megan Hilty), she looks the part, and she can sing, but enter mousy, brunette Karen Cartwright (Katherine McPhee) and now the show has some competition on its hands.

It takes them no more than one episode to show the 'seedy underbelly' of this business we call show by introducing a tyrannical sleaze bag director (Jack Davenport) who loves to proposition young naive auditionee's promising them a meaty part if they blow him (like that never happens). 

Over all, the pilot was actually a bit underwhelming; I was expecting it to be this huge middle finger to Glee which it kind of was, but wasn't anything we hadn't already seen, and seemed just a tiny bit clap trap. But then again, it is a pilot, and we should give it just a bit more time to develop.

What's more important is that considering this is a show about the theater, there is a lot more creative license allowed with the suspension of disbelief that is created when putting on something like a musical based on the life of the biggest pop-culture icon of the 20th century next to Charlie Chaplin. You don't have to get her exactly right is what I'm saying, and that's a good thing, because most attempts at that fall flat (I'm talking to you Michelle Williams!). Ivy and Karen both seem like interesting contenders for Marilyn immortality on the stage. Ivy's got the boobs, sultry voice, and unbridled sensuality, while Karen has the vulnerability, charm, and heart. 

This one has a really stellar cast and an interesting premise, I'm excited to see what kind of sexy fun everyone brings to the table in the upcoming weeks. Here's a clip from the pilot featuring the first song written for the musical 'The National Pasttime'.