Ode to Joan Crawford

As some of you know, I'm writing a play about Joan Crawford, not particularly to dislodge all of the 'wire hangers' rumors or discredit her daughter Christina's novel 'Mommie Dearest' which for all of it's sincerity was highly and almost comically sensationalized. 

I want (for some reason) to help people know and appreciate Crawford for who she was, and that was the 'ultimate movie star'. I'm sure that when the term was being coined, she was whom they thought of first. Not only was she a consummate professional studying constantly, taking allocation lessons, losing and gaining weight for roles before it was a thing, and even know which eye to cry out of when she needed to for a scene, but as an iconic figure head of old Hollywood, she's one of the most recognizable. She only won one Oscar, but had always stuck to her guns. She played the game until she could play it by her own rules and that's what makes her unique. 

Joan Crawford the flapper under contract at MGM

Aside from the alcoholism, obsessive behavior, abusiveness, chronic infidelities and other personal bullshit, Joan was a true professional, and completely focused, which is exactly how she became what she became. All that other stuff lead to her eventual downfall, but if anyone had a good run and fought the good fight it was her. 

Although she was married four times, she said that the love of her life was ultimately someone she never exchanged vows with; the very Catholic-bound to his marriage Clark Gable. They were too much alike, both from poor obscure families who came to Hollywood when no one would take them seriously and people had to fish their headshots out of the extras pile. They never gave up and before they knew it they were Hollywood gods, having quickies in dressing rooms between takes. They did 5 films together, but the relationship unfortunately dissolved. Gable's wife wouldn't give him a divorce and Joan was too obsessed with herself to care. 

Joan and Gable always had great chemistry on film. Wasn't hard when the two were in love behind the cameras as well.

Here's another thing you might not have known, Joan was bisexual. One of her most famous conquests was Marilyn Monroe, 22 years her junior, whom she incessantly hit on usually in a drunken stupor when Marilyn would spend the night at her Brentwood mansion, and for some reason Marilyn eventually decided to reject her advances, perhaps because she was not her type, or perhaps because Joan was kind of scary at that point, who knows. Anyway, can you only imagine how hot that would be? 

I love Joan because she adapted to every single thing asked of her. She started in Hollywood as a contracted dancer, not an actress, and appeared as a chorus extra in mid-level films where she was nearly unrecognizable. But with limitless drive and determination she learned everything about the business and made friends with the right people until she was number one on her studio boss' L.B. Mayer's list for his next projects. By the time she had achieved that, she had come into what people like to refer to as her 'face' that very recognizable look of the giant eyes, exaggerated eye-brows, and those crazy lips which Max Factor invented calling it 'the smear'. By the time she was declared box-office poison from playing too many shop girls who make good but still manage to wear designer gowns, she decided to keep fighting and told her boss L.B. 'no more goddamn shopgirls'. After that they fought over parts and she was one of the first to move out of her studio and fly solo. Back then, a hugely risky move, but it payed off because rival to MGM (where she got her start), Warner Bros. was inclined to hire her for a little project sitting on the shelf for two years called Mildred Pierce (1945) which one her her first and only Academy Award. 

Joan Crawford still gorgeous in her 40's in Mildred Pierce (1945)

At that point, she was close to mid-40's herself, a battle year for any actress, but she decided to reinvent herself again; had her teeth recapped, cut her hair short, and wore mannish clothing, making herself into some kind of warrior identity which worked perfectly for Nicholas Ray's Johnny Guitar (1954).

Basically after that, it was a slow decline, but the legacy was cemented. That is of course until her adopted daughter Christina wrote a scathing tell-all called 'Mommie Dearest' and tarnished Joan's reputation forever. No one would give you an argument if you said that Joan was not mother of the year, but the book is not exactly fully accurate. Books need to make money too, and I'm not saying I'm agreeing with it one way or the other. As Joan historian William Schoell said 'it's a great tragedy that when people hear the name Joan Crawford the first thing they think is 'no more wire hangers', because there is another Joan Crawford that people should remember.' Which is just exactly what I'm trying to do. Wish me luck!

Here are some clips. 

Seductress Pick: Olga Kurylenko

Olga Kurylenko at this year's Venice Film Festival.

This might be the first time in Filth Screen history that I've done two consecutive Seductress Picks in a row, but I'm really excited about Terrence Malick's new film To the Wonder (2012) (wow, that's a sentence I never thought I'd say) and I wanted to write about its lead Olga Kurlylenko who is easily one of the hottest young actresses in the business right now. 

You might say I'm biased because she's one of my people from the good ol' USSR, but she's actually Ukrainian so we really don't have all that much in common...sorry, not a big fan of the Ukraine, but let's stay focused. 

Kurylenko is a Bond girl, so you would think this is an easy post to do, Bond girl on Filth Screen, the blog writes itself, but it's more complicated then that. Only because I choose to make it so but whatever. Miss Olga was definitely blessed to be born in the high end of the gene pool. Beautiful brunette locks of thick hair, enormous bright green eyes, and a body built for sin, and close to being a solid 6 feet tall, she was practically a shoe-in for Bond girl status...or a porn star trajectory so she clearly made the right choice.

She doesn't seem like one that would be cast in a Terrence Malick film. He's kind of a snob. He goes for Charlotte Rampling or Jessica Chastain types. He's not big on conventionally hot models. But apparently to her, he 'hypnotized' her so maybe there's our answer.

Kurylenko in a sensual yet earthy editorial photo.

Anyway, I don't have too much to say about her other than she's beautiful and I think she has a bright future ahead of her outside of cocaine parties and downward spirals leading to an unimaginable abyss of unhappiness despair and rehab that usually accounts for being the young, hot, new Hollywood thing, but she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders, and in 3 years went from Quantum of Solace (2008) eye and penis candy to distinguished Film Festival fodder, so she's going to be just fine. I've never really seen her 'perform', I mean it doesn't take formal acting training at RADA to be a bond girl, but I'm guessing in To the Wonder (2012) she's very profound and serious and made-under. And when she speaks she's actually pretty coherent and interesting, who'd have thunk? It's usually impossible to be that physically stunning and to have more than air blowing between the two ears, but she's managing to prove that fake statistic wrong. She's got potential, and is probably the only reason why I'll be buying a ticket to To the Wonder (2012). She has a Yvonne De Calro/Sophia Loren vibe about her and brings back a sense of Old Hollywood glamour nostalgia to the big screen. She's not unconventional or strange which is highly popular right now, and even though she takes brazen photographs and always looks like she's in the middle of seducing you, she's actually pretty seemingly mellow and down to earth. Na Zdrovya Olga!

Below, clip of her promoting To the Wonder (2012) at the Venice Film Festival a few days ago.

The Hottest of the US Olympic Swim Team

Let's face it, there's no such thing as an ugly Olympic swimmer. With those crazy Greek statue bodies, and million-dollar smiles, they're irresistible. Yes, they look like sperm swimming up and down their lanes, but when they surface and smack that water like a bitch when they win the 400 meter relay, it's pretty damn hot, because all of their insanely cut muscles flex. Also, I don't mind those tight really, really really low-rise spandex shorts that they have to wear to make themselves more aerodynamic.

With news that Michael Phelps has now, with 20 gold medals, become the world's most successful Olympian of all time, more attention has been focused on the men's Olympic swim team than Ryan Lochte's ridiculous grillz. They are giving horny girls everywhere another reason to chant 'U-S-A! U-S-A!' before excusing themselves to their bedrooms to rub it to a picture of Phelps...from the neck down. They are the rock stars of Olympic sports, and for the sake of degradation of the male population, I've put them in order from hottest to not so hottest, because there's no such thing as an gross man on the US Olympic swim team. I mean, they shave everywhere, ladies. It's like that Louis CK joke about musicians; you would expect at least one of them to be ugly but...fuckin' zero. So because there's 24 of them on the team and only 10 spots on my countdown some of the lovely mermen have been left off, but don't feel bad for them, they'll comfort themselves with gold medals, especially you Phelps. I know you're the greatest Olympian that ever lived, but you didn't make the cutoff. No pun intended. Here we go!

10. Peter Vanderkaay. This Royal-Oak native has that meat-head yet geek thing going for him, where his neck is as thick as his head, but he's slightly on the cock-eyed side. And his smile is simply adorbs. He gets the awww-how-cute vote. He's a jock you want to snuggle.

9. Nathan Adrian. I remember my BFF (you know who you are) railing against Gabby Douglas' nickname being racist (the media calls her 'the flying squirrel') which is nothing compared to what this boy deals with as part of his multicultural heritage. Being half-Chinese apparently his teammates refer to him as 'Bok-Choy' which is highly offensive and ridiculous, but joke's on them, because this boy's genes clearly do him good.

8. Conor Dwyer. At only 23, this guy is a giant. He's 6'5 ya'll...that's two inches away from being declared legally a giant...I think, whateves I don't know. I mean he could pick you up with one hand and then lift you over his head. And then swallow you whole for the protein. Sexy? As hell.

7. Matt Grevers. This one is one of my favorites. You thought Conor was big, this guy's 6'8. I feel like it would hurt my neck to cock it up high enough to make out with him but I'm willing to take the risk, even if it means my being in a neck-brace for a month. BTW, what he's doing in the picture is exactly what I'm talking about...celebrate-flexing. Should that be a sport unto itself? I vote yes. Matt, make out with me!

6. Brendan Hansen. Ladies, doesn't this look like the cover of a romance novel from the mid-90's? What I love the most is he's not this hugely built jock type. He's pretty tone and slender (comparatively) and he's got that awesome, I don't know what to call it, but it's so awesome. As you can see it's becoming hard to form sentences because I'm getting flustered, but it's that thing below a guy's waste, it looks like a fancy 'V' it's just, it's awesome.

5. Ryan Lochte. Alright, here he is. You happy? I know you've been waiting just to find him on the list and here. I put him on the countdown. ok? Let's not deny it, he's dumber than a frat party after 2am, but this list isn't called 'the top ten poet laureates of all time' is it? He's so much fun to watch as long as I don't have to hear him speak...or see his grillz. Just photoshop those out and put him on mute.

4. Ricky Berens. 5 o'clock shadow - check, perfect set of pearly white teeth - check, beautiful head of thick brown hair - check, chestnut eyes that burn into your very soul - check. The end.

3. Anthony Ervin. When I was watching the trials, I already had my eye on this one. He caught my attention immediately. You know I love a guy who's inked up and has a bad-boy swagger but with a sensitive side, and that's basically Ervin in a nutshell. He's older and more seasoned, but just as talented and driven. Also, did I mention he can like a dolphin on steroids?

2. Eric Shanteau. Talk about a baby face on a body built for sin...and gold medals, Shanteau is simply delicious. He's got a beautiful physique coupled with a pair of gorgeous, innocent eyes, I was instantly a fan. Also, it seems like his swim trunks are way tighter than everyone else's. No complaints. He also looks way younger than he is. Seemingly on the younger end of the team, he's actually 28. And I like how he 'hangs out' in the pool more than usual. Just catchin' some chemical bath before the next race, like a boss.

1. Cullen Jones. And the #1 Greek god in a slew of ridiculously super-human looking men is Cullen Jones. Perfection. That's all I have to say. Fast, smooth, silky, tone, dimply, delicate, sensual, seductive, mouth-watery perfection. I have to finish now...no pun intended.

Now, clean yourself up and watch this!

Spotlight on: Jessica Chastain

Chastain in blonde wig as Celia Foote

This beautiful young and smart actress with ginger hair and a million dollar smile came on the scene looking like Christina Hendrick's hypothetical younger sister, and let's face it, as it stands now, Gingers are in: with the formerly mentioned Mrs. Hendricks, Emma Stone, and Bryce Dallas Howard pioneering the road of fiery hair and fiery personalities it's a new brand of sexy that we can all get on board with. 

Jessica Chastain seemed to appear almost from nowhere. All of a sudden she's walking the red carpet at Cannes side by side with Tree of Life director Terrence Malick, in which she starred. Since then, she's been tapped for some of the most important projects in cinema right now; huge hit The Help, Ralph Fiennes' contemporary Shakespearian adaptation and directorial debut Coriolanus, as well as Al Pacino's docu-drama of Oscar Wilde's play 'Salome' titled Wilde Salome and playing Helen Mirren's younger incarnation in The Debt, all to be or already released this year. The girl is on fire right now, and her introduction into mainstream and serious cinema is a pretty solid one. 

She has a Meryl Streep quality; that of intrigue, beauty, and intellectualism that brings forward very nuanced and meticulous performances. And lets not forget that she's pretty much smokin'. 

She is introduced in The Help by two long, statuesque legs walking daintily across the pool side of her luxurious country  home, and a voice quiveringly yet sensually speaks on the telephone outside of frame. Then the camera pulls out and we see Chastain as quirky but troubled Celia Foote, sporting a loud bright yellow 60's two-peice and a Marilyn Monroe haircut and cat eye sunglasses. Later in the film, bright red lipstick, tight and low cut tops, and high heeled pumps accent her appeal as she plays the quintessential stock character of the 'dumb blonde' with a certain level of depth and sympathy. 

She is a very interesting presence on screen and I can totally understand why directors are fighting over her and why she's able to have so many releases in only one year coming out of a modest background of a few guest spots on TV shows. I don't think it will take much time for her to become a household name. She's well on her way to becoming the next Julia Roberts, and if she plays her cards right, the next Meryl Streep. She is a new brand of sexy that is currently very popular which is the intellectual sexy; a girl that is etherial, intelligent, and sensuous. Smart-Hot is back, and it's taking names.