Girls with Bows and Arrows are the New It Thing in Cinematic Fetish

Poster for Catching Fire (2013) 'More pouting Jennifer!'

I guess it all started a few years back when Keira Knightly was on every billboard dressed in little but leather straps standing next to Clive Owen who's wielding a giant sword in promo's for the awfully executed King Arthur (2004). They had the audacity to fuck with Arturian legend so much that they made Guinevere a leather-clad pouty lipped borderline porn star who shoots to kill with her rickety bow and arrow. 

Basically this suggests that women when put into ancient fighting situations can't do much in terms of strength, as in they're not good with a sword, ball and chain, or any medieval weaponry but damn it are they accurate at shooting a bow and arrow, that's how them bitches defend themselves. Is this a feminist concept or is it pandering? Probably the latter, because I've taken archery courses (Jew camp, 1996) and I sucked at it, it's way harder than it looks people. But apparently all a girl's got to do is work up some estrogen courage, breath in and release (no pun intended) she'll hit her mark every time. Right in the perp's heart where the arrow belongs. Take that fake vikings. 

promo still for King Arthur (2004) Look familiar?

Right now of course the huge deal is Jennifer Lawrence as the 'good at hunting' Katniss Everdeen, and driving past a billboard for Catching Fire (2013) this morning I couldn't help but notice that she's angled in almost the exact same way as Keira was, with her hair blowing in the wind, and her airbrushed face focused on whatever she's aiming at, and for some reason, even though we all know that the tributes of the hunger games wear plenty of clothes to protect themselves and keep themselves warm while they try to you know not get killed, she's barely wearing anything. Mulvey would have a field day with this. It is the utmost in visual pleasure and castration theory, for all you know boys, she could be pointing that thing right at your balls. And watch out then because Katniss never misses her mark. 

Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel in the upcoming Hobbit film. She does not look awesome.

And what do we have coming up next? The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013) where a new character is introduced as a love interest for Legolas (the archer elf) who let's face it might as well be a girl. But no, it's Kate Austen I mean...Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel another goddamn archer elf. I mean, do elves do anything else? Or is it like a rule they made up in MiddleEarth; Dwarves only get axes, humans use swords, hobbits get comically tiny swords that glow in the dark, and elves get the gayest attire ever complete with a bow and arrow. 

Behind the scenes of Catching Fire (2013) I do believe Jennifer's bow has gotten bigger. It's like when you're given a bigger gun to use in the sequel than you had in the original. I remember the late great Steve McQueen used to complain about that on the set of The Magnificent Seven (1960) saying that Yul Brynner's gun was bigger than his and he wanted something done about it. Nothing ever was.

Why is it that women get to defend themselves only with bows and arrows, is it because it's the ancient version of a gun which is really sexy for a woman to know how to use. But it's usually in the sense that 'awww how cute, she knows how to aim and shoot a gun...ouch!' Or have we given too many guns to women in films of late. I mean, in The Heat (2013) Sandra Bullock literally shoots a man (Taran Killam) in the dick. Did I just give the movie away, sorry about that (not). So now we need something more subdued, something sexier, and just as deadly. Nun chucks and throwing stars are clearly out because they have a nerd derivative, and women need something elegant and yet sexy, also we all know that woman have terrible arm thrust capacity so swords are out as well, but we all know women are smart and can concentrate so a bow and  arrow seem perfectly logical, makes them less passive and gives them something to do, but while we're at it, let's dress them in half of what they should be wearing and give them long wavy hair. It's a new cinematic symbol, and trust me, it won't be long until Tarantino works this into one of his films, even though it's going to be completely anachronistic and thereby won't make any sense, but let's face it, what DOES make sense in a Tarantino film. If Zero Dark Thirty (2012) wasn't directed by a woman, I'm sure Jessica Chastain would have been walking the halls of the CIA with one. Ok that might be too unbelievable a conjecture, but you can't deny the fact that a bow and arrow adds to a woman's hottness factor these days. It's a recent trend but it looks like it will be around for a while. Gives totally new meaning to the term 'sex as a weapon' doesn't it?

Trailers below and some Zizek for you Film Studies buffs out there: 

Politics, Not Sex Rules at This Year’s Oscars

Look at the films in this slate, pretty depressing huh? The Iranian hostage crisis, Osama Bin Laden’s manhunt, a dude surviving in the Ocean with a tiger as his first mate. Wah wah. Just kidding, I’m all for serious films especially when they’re done artfully and in a non-pretentious way, and the only one I can say that that’s true of out of the politically charged films which are Zero Dark Thirty, Argo, Lincoln, and Beasts of the Southern Wild (arguably) is Argo. So therefore I hope it wins Best Picture.

Of the risqué in the bunch the only one we can remotely put in that category is Silver Linings Playbook. Remember when Moulin Rouge (2001) was nominated? Scratch that, remember when Midnight Cowboy (1969) WON?? Has the Academy totally gotten prude over the years, the answer is a big fat sticky yes.

If we look at the history of the Oscars, it’s usually sappy love stories and wildly inaccurate bio-pics of historical figures cases involved; Gladiator, Amadeus, Titanic, The Best Years of Our Lives…and snooze. When Midnight Cowboy won, it was a battle year. 1969, perhaps one of the most vibrant years of the 20^th century; one fraught with racial tension, sexual experimentation, and general aggression against social morays and reflections of which. Therefore, the Academy picked the most controversial film that challenged everything it used to stand for as it’s top prize winner and they were right. For once, sex lead the way, and a film about a prostitute cowboy and his Puerto-Rican drug addict friend trying to make it in New York City garnered top prizes. Since then we’ve lowered the bar a bit. Raunchy films get nominated but they don’t win. I think the one that showed most boob-grabbing of late was Chicago (2002). 

Promo still for Midnight Cowboy the most controversial film to garner Best Picture honors, 1969.

This is of course ignoring the big elephant in the room which is all of Tarantino films ever which will win for other awards (Screenplay, Supporting Actor, what have you) but will never get the lord of all knick knacks especially not after what happened in Sandy Hook. Hollywood would much rather condone sex than explicitly gratuitous violence. But even then, the sex is toned down, and has to be within a context of love, which is why I keep going back to Midnight Cowboy. That was a pure sex-movie, that’s why it was rated X when it was first released. There’s little more to it, except of course the touching bromance, but it’s explicitness worked in it’s favor back then, it’s completely the opposite now. If you look at Silver Linings Playbook, the most those two ever do is kiss, though both talk about sex endlessly like they know everything about it, and yet somehow you just don’t believe either of them. In a way Silver Linings Playbook is the most unsexy romance film there is. Amour is more sexy than it, Sorry David O. 

Jennifer Lawrence tried very hard to play Femme Fatale to Bradley Cooper's troubled soul, but too young for the part, somewhat missed the boat. Though a solid effort on her part.

So in conclusion, give it to Argo please. It’s well directed (way to really fuck up by snubbing Affleck, btw), it’s mostly historically accurate, and it’s most importantly, interesting. Hollywood loves nothing more than a history lesson they don’t have to read.

Sexiest Films of 2012? (Academy Edition)

Chris Pratt and Joel Edgerton in Zero Dark Thirty (2012)

Alright rabbits, the academy award noms are soon to come in and it's going to be a nail biter to the bitter end. Just kidding, like we don't know exactly who's going to get nominated and who's not. Let's review the big five and then the wild card. Lincoln (Steven Spielberg), Les Miserables (Tom Hooper), Zero Dark Thirty (Katherine Bigelow), Silver Linings Playbook (David O. Russell) and Django Unchained (Quinten Tarantino), wild cards include Hyde Park on the Hudson (Roger Mitchell), Argo (Ben Affleck), and PT Anderson intellectual masturbation cornucopia The Master. Now, sans a few surprises and far-fetched nominations like Wes Anderson for Best Original Screenplay, we know that most of the nods are going to be for those five mainly. Now, we all know that the Oscars have no merit, are blindingly political, and as George C. Scott famously called them 'a meat parade', so let's quit with the bullshit and not get upset when the good ones get snubbed (like I'm sure Sarah Polley isn't going to get on any category list because she's been black balled by the industry even though she totally deserves at least a nomination, just saying) anyway! 

So let's just look at this meat parade just like we do every year, and examine who has the sexiest over all feel. We'll rate them on a scale based on three criteria; overall ensemble cast, sexual content and execution, and sex-appeal of the director. Now, we can just throw Lincoln right the fuck out, unless you're one of those sicko's that gets off on that kind of thing, meaning there was a time you also found Sally Field to be attractive, and well you just make me want to barf right here and now sir. Les Mis, I'm going to go ahead and discard as well, no matter how much I adore Hugh Jackman and keep fighting with myself as to whether or not he's gay which is half the fun of watching him in anything, but Anne Hathaway kills the sexy factor in any film and she does it every single time from Rachel Getting Married (2008) to The Dark Knight Rises (2012). Also, her upskirt shot was not for the sake of good old fashioned raunchy sex-for-sex-sake and made it holy undesirable and desperate for attention/nomination.

J-Law and B-Coo in Silver Linings Playbook (2012).

Silver Linings has a good chance at winning the Fuck-Oscar this year. With a cast that consists of Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence you've pretty much hit the fucking sexy as shit lottery. Also, I don't know why (of course I do, I'm kidding) but I've always found David O. to be really appealing, like I'd marry him for money and have some wicked kinky sex with him before I divorced him and took everything of value because he yelled and screamed too much and came really close to punching me...I'm getting way sidetracked. 

Dicaprio basically recycles his look from Gangs of New York (2002) for Django Unchained (2012)

So that leaves Django and Zero Dark Thirty. If you know me, you know how much unabashed love I have for Tarantino, and also can realize that that last comment was soaked in sarcasm. Even though Quinten makes any straight girl question her sexuality and consider lesbianism more seriously than she ever has before, having the coolest man in cooltown Jamie Foxx coupled with the Romeo/Jack Dawson does earn you some points. But surprise surprise, I'm giving it to Zero Dark Thirty this year. Katherine Bigelow is the hottest 60 year old this side of 60, and puts most 20-something's to shame, and Jessica Chastain is unbelievable. I mean she's seriously ridiculously beautiful, almost too much for her own good, and who doesn't have a red-head fetish? Also, let's take a look at the supporting players shall we? Chris Pratt, Mark Strong, Kyle Chandler, Joel Edgerton, not to mention my personal favorite and father of my future children I don't give a shit what you think; Edgar Ramirez. Just saying his name out loud makes my mouth fill up with saliva. I want to eat him. I would eat him, I would eat his hair, and lick his eye balls. That's what he does to me, and I know he's in the film for like 15 minutes, totally doesn't matter. 

Just for fun...Edgar!

So get up here, and accept your sex oscar Katherine, Jessica, and the rest of you. You didn't think we'd all get excited in our pants about the Bin Laden film did ya? Well, if you're perverted like me, you find it in everything. 

Cheers.