Do We Really Need More Films About Meryl Going Through Menopause?

Meryl making the 'mischievous face' which she's kind of made her trademark of late.

I don't know about you, but one film I'll be skipping this season is Hope Springs (2012). Not that geriatrics getting it on is like insanely hot, but it basically seems like the plot of It's Complicated (2009) with a little bit of Mamma Mia (2009) and Julie and Julia (2009) through the Diane Keaton film Something's Gotta Give (2003) filter, comes this sweaty turd about nothing at all. Two Oscar winners in the cast, some of our most serious thespians, and they are choosing material called Hope Springs, which by the way sounds like a rehab center.

And why is it that something like menopause is always turned into a romantic comedy where the main female character is just dying for the last great sex of her life before her ovaries shrivel up like a pair of prunes in Death Valley and her vaginal cavity slowly sews itself together? And the male counterpart is always just fine with growing old and not being able to sustain boners anymore, because there's reruns of JAG on everyday, and golfing for him to get seriously competitive about. In the trailer, the Steve Carell character, who is their 'marriage therapist' suggests they have sex more often and the two of them are stunned. 'Sex, what's that? We grew up in an age where we slept in two separate twin size beds that were exactly 6 feet away from each other, and I was wearing petticoats. My fragile constitution cannot handle the violent thought of being fucked by my old wrinkly husband after which he would promptly fall asleep right on top of me rendering me unable to move and snoring right into my ears which I can barely hear out of anyway because I'm so old', says the look on Meryl's face.

Thank you Hollywood to presume that old people have sex with their clothes on because none of us want to handle seeing old saggy boobies.

I love Meryl so much, but she's kind of starting to repeat herself, and because she's in her 60's, a watershed time for any actress, the roles are becoming more predictable. Sure, there will be a Devil Wears Prada (2004) or The Iron Lady (2012) in there somewhere, but let's face it, it looks like Meryl will be retiring soon. I for one am rather tired of the giggly, pseudo-horny, childlike characters she plays that are always rediscovering their sexual awakening at the ripe old age of 63. It really seems like a money project, but with 3 Academy Awards under your belt, an AFI Lifetime Achievement Award, and an acting career that has sprawled along 5 decades, do you even need the money at that point? And I love how they've dusted off Tommy Lee Jones lately. Like he's never played an uppity 'never gonna change my ways' anal-retentive grumpy old man. This is definitely a skip piece. I can already tell the humor is sub-par, the plot is predictable, and the actors working way beneath their respective capabilities. Fail. 

Trailer for the film. Yawn.

Who Played the More Uptight and Bitter British Lady?

I'm big on gimmicky bio-pics, and just so happens decided to watch Game Change (2012) this weekend before I fell asleep from how boring it is. Let's face it, we all knew that even Julianne Moore is count-it 4-time Academy Award nominated actress, she's no Tina Fey when it comes to impersonating Palin. All of us and our mothers can do that ridiculous mid-western red-neck Fargo accent she has, and her look is one that even your 400 pound male cousin could pull off with the right pair of glasses and a pageant sash, so the impersonation is not really what we're watching this film for. We were all watching it because deep down in our heads, even though it's been 4 years since the last election we're still clambering around in there thinking 'what the fuck happened exactly? who was making these decisions and for fuck's sake why? did any of us actually digest and fathom to the full capacity the idea that Sarah Palin might one day command from the Oval office. Thank god we never had to accept that eventuality. 

No, that's not Tina Fey.

On that note, I decided to keep on the political bio-pic track and FINALLY give The Iron Lady (2012) a go. Because I'm sure the big pay off is watching Meryl Streep do a heavy British accent considering she does accents in virtually every single film she's played in (look it up). What was the appeal of this exactly I'm not sure, except that Margaret Thatcher is almost dead so get a bio-pic of her in the can whilst you're still able, and people still kinda sorta know who she is because they listened to their parents' Sex Pistols records from back in the day.

The film was you know, ehhh. Good performance by Streep, but that goes without saying, the rest of the film was kind of a nap, which I took midway through, woke up, and realized this broad was still talking through my computer screen, and then she gets old and doesn't talk as much, and then it fades to black. Thanks for nothing Hollywood. 

And now I was one a British kick, so I showered, took off me knickers, scuffled into bed all nuddy like and downloaded Helen Mirren's Oscar winning performance in The Queen (2006)...again. The film, nothing to write home about. But Helen, how did she manage to stay so hot well into her 60's and play the icon that you would least likely associate with being hot? Wait a minute, did I just insinuate that Queen Elizabeth II was hot? Apparently. 

Of course, they had to Photoshop out that infamous tattoo of hers, but Mirren is actually one sexy broad even well into her 60's, and this might be her most frumpy and restrained performance to date. When you put her career against Meryl, there's no question that Mirren is miles filthier. I mean, she was in Caligula (1972) and did a naked pregnant dance...need I go on?

Helen in a still from Caligula (1972) you really thought she wouldn't bring some of that freak to The Queen?

 Alas the time has come when both grand dames of the theater and film world have to play uptight snooty and universally cantankerous British ladies in their 60's. Who did it better? The answer is simple. Though both have gold statue of a bald man with a sword for a penis, with and their names engraved on the front underneath which it states for 'Best Achievement By an Actress in a Leading Role', my choice is going to have to be Mirren. Not just because she's the filthier one, or she's the Russian one, or she's actually British playing a British character. Bad teeth, distracting pill-box hats, awful hair, and stiff upper lips aside, Mirren is a fabulous actress when it comes to portraying a woman's vulnerability. Not to say that Meryl isn't, I mean if I actually said those words I'm pretty sure a bolt of lightening would hit me where I stand. But when you're giving the comparison of two giants in the movie industry being made under to play the stiffest of all British people in British people history, who did it with more grace and tenacity? My very strange erection goes to Mrs. Mirren.

Side note, The United States will always have better looking female politicians than Britain. I believe that's the primary historical lesson to be taken from all of this. 

Below are the trailers for all three films.