The Hardest Game of Who Would You Rather Ever.

I made this collage all by myself. Thank you, I AM extremely talented and totally cool.

Ever since being an uber-dork became mainstream, we've all had harder questions to answer than Team Edward or Team Jacob. It's the question of who is the ultimate pasty thin British guy we want to bone for a polite amount of time? I suppose you know that since then we've as a society narrowed it down to two of the pastiest, dorkiest, skinniest, most Britishest two men in existence right now; Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston. Not since the great wars between Pepsi and Coke, or the Yankees and the Red Sox have we seen such animosity, bloodshed, and upheaval. God help you if you walk through a Cumberbatch neighborhood with a Hiddleston emblem on your shirt. Prepare for the wintery freshness of mace and hair-pulling to the nth degree because it's coming full force. Now, you are probably already on a team, or defected and switched teams because your dream reality tricked you into a sex dream about Khan that turned into one about Loki...did that happen with me? No comment. 

Hiddleston in the hottest thing since the elves in LOTR, and he's a badass so we don't have to hide how hot we find Loki.

Cumberbatch as ubervillain and arch nemesis to Captain Kirk and trekkies everywhere; Kahn. Or as the original Captain Kirk Mr. William Shatner would call him; Khaaaaaaaaaan. (I loath myself)

So that's not too hard, unless you are so indecisive that they seem similar to you so you'd go with either. Then SHAME FOR YOU! So now we've passed one hurdle, hopefully you've picked one in your head by now. I guess it really depends on your nerd preferences. Let's backtrack. Hiddleston rose to fame playing Loki, god of mischief in the Marvel Cinematic series Thor, and Thor: The Dark World, and again in the Avengers series, or perhaps you are a big Sherlock cannon nerd and love the high functioning sociopath detective brought back to life by Cumberbatch in the BBC re-imagining of it, or on that note perhaps you're a closeted Trekkie and think that Cumberbatch's Khan is way superior to Ricardo Mantalban's (in which case you'd be totally right). So whichever is your poison is probably the malevolent and yet snarky mean guy/bad guy that you'd pick to take to bed. 

Let's face it, bad guys are way more fun. Who did both Hiddleston and Cumberbatch play opposite? Chris Pine and Chris Hemsworth. And if you're the most vanilla teeny bopper that shame-eats macaroni and cheese and doesn't have a debilitating cigarette habit, you'd probably go for one of those tools, but we know better. 

Meanwhile, in photoshop hell...

Anyway! I'm throwing a monkey wrench into this whole thing. You thought I would make it easy on you wouldn't I? I like to make things as hard as I can on other people. Juxtaposed with these two cinematic villains who pull of a tailored suit at press conferences and comic cons like nobody's business I'll throw two heroes into the mix; two doctors from the famed Dr. Who franchise who are not famous for anything but; Matt Smith and David Tennant (Calm your tits, I'm aware the latter is Scottish and would effectively screw this game of most pasty skinny British person you want to bone) but let's say men from the UK? See there you go, I can be as PC as the next person. These, not unlike Hiddleston and Cumberbatch could not be more different from each other regardless of playing the exact same character. Tennant is quirky and Scottish, loud and vivacious, and perhaps the most adorkable thing that side of the pond on television. Lock that Blue police booth and put your TV on mute. Know what I'm saying? Good because I don't. I've lost the ability to make sexual innuendo, I'm too excited. Matt Smith, is much more reserved, old-word suave, and has the most pronounced five-finger forehead in history and luscious brunette locks to die for. He's that Brit stuck out of time, with a baby face, and movements like Bond that remind you of your college crush (that is if you went to an Ivy League). Hurray for sweater vests! 

Left: Matt Smith, Right: David Tennant. Both played The Doctor, both with amazing suit tie combos. Yes, I'd like one of each please. What's the cost? My soul and a close relative? No problem.

Now, me personally? I used to be queen Cumberbitch, and have no idea why I had a change of heart, I'm not going to go into it, but out of those two I'd have to go with Team Hiddleston. Out of the latter group, if you know me, you know that it's not even a question. Team Tennant. The heart wants what it wants. Now that we've narrowed it down it's Tennant vs. Hiddleston. Now it's a difficult game. The Shakespearean vet with the boarding school education, slim frame, and piercing baby bues or the goofball, pillow-lipped Scot with a 6'4 frame and snark for days? Based solely on his dance skills and we all know that's what matters in the end, gun to my head, I'm going to have to go with Team Hiddleston. I'll fight anyone who says different. Well, actually I'll fight anyone who says the same, because I don't need competition ok? He's across the pond the geography of the whole thing already makes it difficult, so back the fuck up. Anyway, feel free to take this quiz at home, and then argue your heart out a la college debate team with history, facts, and everything else you're going to chalk up to that is more than just subjective opinion, because hey, if 15 year olds can do that all the live long day about Team Jacob and Team Edward, we too should be able to forfeit our sense of cool, or any semblance of a life. Cheers mates. Hiddleston...call me. 

Below clips, including a dance off that you will want to give me a high five parade for, but no need...I do enjoy money though. 

Skinny Guys; Skinny Ties.

My mom recently told me that I'm attracted to men of the 'malnourished variety' (her exact words), and though I would love to disagree with her, given my track record, i think she's more or less right. Did you know there is a psychological study that states that women are attracted to men that are rather slim, sallow, terminal-looking, for lack of better terms. And lately, all of the biggest hitters in the film and television biz have been displaying aspects of the male version of 90's heroin chic. And if you ask me, it's very welcome. I'm tired of beefy, blonde, pretty boys greasing up my computer screen. Out also is the whole long wavy haired, unclean, bespectacled look. That guy looks like he wants to read you his poetry and then cry into your cat's fur for an hour. In the place of it, is a clean shaven version of the quintessential 'tortured artist' look, complete with an ancient pair of converse, patchy scruff (optional) and the pièce de résistance for geek chic wear; the skinny tie. This guy looks like he's into jazz, cooks, and writes comedy for a living, and that's the guy women really want. 

Do you remember a small movie written and directed by David Mamet called State & Main (2000)? If you're cool you do. There is a character of a doctor who has a lesson for Philip Seymour Hoffman's character that is probably one of the best lessons in cinema i've ever heard and it goes something like this (and i'm paraphrasing here). 'A man wears a tie to accentuate his penis, why would you take advice from a man who wears a bow-tie that accentuates his ears?' 

'Tis true, the tie is perhaps the most obvious phallic symbol that a man can wear on his body without actually taking his business out. And the skinny tie has dominated the male fashion world, lately being coupled with an old pair of jeans as if to say, 'i'm sophisticated, but i don't care'. 

Think of it, have you lately seen a beefy man in a skinny tie? the answer is probably going to be 'no', for some reason that would look ridiculous, like a blonde woman wearing white, it's just offensive to the eyes. The skinny tie should be reserved for those quietly confident and mysterious males who seem to ever presently hover between a whimsical boy-hood charm and raw animal masculinity, and are almost always under 150 pounds. 

The psychological study i referred to earlier, states that women are drawn to skinnier men because it ignites their maternal instincts, so that they have an intrinsic need to take care of them. And say it with me now; if it's on the internet, then it must be true! And given the big jewey jew that i am, that instinct is magnified by like a million percent. Go figure. 

So here are a few examples of men of the thinner variety who so wonderfully sport the skinny tie. The combination of the two is irresistible. 

New to the game, but making a very good impression is SNL's Paul Brittain, seen here sporting a loose fitting skinny tie which is even better than just regularly tying it. He's been making a great impression on the dirty screen, particularly with his Sex Ed Vincent character. Haven't seen it yet? well then i pity you. His ridiculously bright blue eyes don't need much to make them pop, and the hair is winning. 

Jeremy Davies has been in the skinny boy hall of fame for about a decade now, but he's reached his peak in the past few years getting messy on an island and never losing that now trademark tie of his as Dr. Daniel Faraday on Lost.

We have all been asking how did we not see this coming? He was such a sweet nerd in 3rd Rock From the Sun, and we all thought he'd reached his peak in 10 Things I Hate About You, but JG-Lev is surprising all of us, and found his way into our spank bank as soon as 500 Days of Summer hit the theaters, or Inception take your pick. He likes to couple the skinny tie with a vesty pants-suit, no complaints. 

Even though he works the hoodie sweatshirt and the 'fuck you flip-flops' very well in The Social Network, It's difficult not to take notice at award season when this curly haired ragamuffin started getting all dork-sexy on us and sporting smart suits and solid colored skinny ties. Win.  

If you watch Breaking Bad, the thinness of Aaron Paul is almost enough to drop your jaw. It's almost pre-pubescent. But he makes it work even in his character wardrobe which is usually baggy pants and hoodie sweatshirts, but when he steps out on the town, or on stage to get his Emmy (Bravo Aaron!) he cleans up very nicely. The tie is just the icing on the cake.  

Out of every beautiful face cast in The Social Network, no one expected Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg to trump the likes of Justin Timberlake and Armie Hammer. This British import is stupid hot, complete with a thick head of hair, large brown eyes, and a tall gangly physique. Whether dressed in wet spandex for his Spiderman shoot, or doing a Warhol-esque photo as the one above, he kills it with the camera...and a skinny tie.