Come On British Press! Show Us Ye Olde Royal Peen.

The now infamous photos leaked by TMZ last week afterwhich the palace quickly threw a muzzle on the British Press, hence the kitschy red star on the right.

Come on British press, we all struggle. Just leak one or two we won't do anything with them, except photoshop them into oblivion and send them all around the interwebs with asinine memes posted underneath. But in all seriousness, we're just curious. We don't have a royal cock over here, so we just want to get a peak. Unless you're a sad sad cave person with stolen mannequins behind the alley at Macy's that you dress up and seat around your living room to pose as friends, you've heard by now that NSFW photos have been leaked to TMZ of a drunken romp Prince Harry had in Vegas before returning to combat training. Oh dear god, I hope the world doesn't collapse on itself. 

First of all, what's the big deal? He's third in line people. Which basically means, he's not in line. More than likely, he's never going to be king. But he's young, rich, and hot. So why not get in a naked hottub psuedo-orgy before you go defend your country in a foxhole in the goddamn desert with nothing but a dehydrated meal and your AK-47 by your side? You're in Vegas. That's what Vegas is for. Do you think anyone has ever not been naked in Vegas? I don't even think it's legal to be inhabiting a hotel room in Vegas with clothes on. It's a state law. 

If anyone gives me the whole 'royal duties' speech one more time I might projectively vomit all over them.

Cadets around the world give Prince Harry a naked salute. Cheers lads.

Prince Harry is a prince, but he's no where near needing to fulfill any 'duties' except be young, have fun, and be irresponsible. He's L'enfante terrible, the rogue brother. If one of the bro's has it down in terms of duty, take a break and go party in Vegas with naked sluts.

Of course the palace put a royal kibosh on the photos so now we can only see them with an unseemly Photoshopped 'star' over what i'm sure is a really toned royal ass.  The other picture, I get it, he's covering HIMSELF up, but there's something else their keeping from us, I can just feel it, no pun intended. Now it's being revealed that VIDEO footage exists of naked Harry's hairy bird. (Yay! the most unoriginal alliteration ever!) 

And I'm pretty good at rummaging the internet for 'lost' or 'leaked' celebrity video...no I'm not...and I couldn't find one single lead on this. I'm lost in the woods. I mean when the palace says 'no', I guess it really does mean 'no'. But hey, we have the Associated Press here in the States that would gladly crawl all over this like flies on shit. What? Did you think we have integrity? We follow Lindsay Lohan around for chrissake. There is no 'bottom line' to our celebrity press. And hey, it's not like he's our Prince, to us, he's just a hot guy who's got a lot of money, and is the bad boy of his family, and who on this side of the pond doesn't find that irresistible?

Boys to Men - The Anticipation of Magic Mike

Ok ladies, I hope you didn't make plans for next weekend because Channing Tatum strips and shows his lady parts for money in the nastiest film of the year...that is directed by Stephen Soderbergh. The only man that can make a film about a call girl starring a porn star completely unsexy and boring. Hence, casting Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, and Italian stallion slash hottest man on earth right now Joe Manganiello were all very good decisions in the effort to make us forget that this is a film by Stephen Soderbergh. Honestly, who would pay money to see that 'Stephen Soderbergh stripper movie'? It's like saying, hey you want to see that Ridley Scott soft-core porno?

But it promises to be everything that The Full Monty wasn't including showing graphic man parts, so I'm excited. It's not British, it's not very clever or funny, and the men in it have muscles so count me in. 

Also, I'm not too psyched about casting. Alex Pettyfer from Beastly fame is the protagonist, so off-hand you can tell it's going to be crappy on the acting. And I'm sorry but I never had a boner for Channing Tatum. I am not into guys that look like The Incredible Hulk and talk like Lurch from the Adam's Family, no matter how 'magical' his eyes are. And McConaughey's white trash stank is far too strong for me to even think of him in a sexual manner, even though most of his career is based on either one or the other of those. 

This is where we seperate the men from the boys. I'm guessing you can tell which is which. Nice faux-hawk and Blue Steel, Tatum.

But hey, it is a film about stripping, so it basically goes without saying that I'm going to be front row center on opening night...because I use my time wisely. But it's not expected to be anything near the campy genius of Showgirls, the satiric splendor of The Full Monty or even the catchy awfulness of Striptease. It seems more than anything to be mediocre, but brilliantly marketed to women of all ages, and by all ages I mean late 50's. 

I'm not expecting too many tweens sitting next to me (thank god) because it IS rated R for excessive nipples and I just don't think parents would let their 13-year-old cheerleader squad captain out to see it no matter how much she loves The Vow (2012). And most of them are too young to know that McConaughey is just playing the same character he's always played in every film because Dazed and Confused (1993) came out before they were born. But I think I'm going to have the hardest part dealing with Olivia Munn, because that's usually the plot of my every day life - I struggle with her existence, and it's really frustrating. But I'll deal. Can't run a filth blog and not go see Magic Mike, I mean really. 

Now, if this film doesn't deliver in the penis category I'm going to have a conniption fit, because I'm placing bets already as to whose got the gurthiest weiner...I've got 35$ on McConaughey, because we all know the man with the gurthiest body build, has the smallest one. Anyone want to contest this? I mean I'm sure there will be a lot of pant-stuffing, but if there's not serious full frontal (and I don't see how there can't be, Soderbergh has a film actually titled Full Frontal) then, I'm just saying, there will be blood. That's why I'm going by myself. I would hate having to explain to my friend's parents that I murdered them because of lack of money shot. 

Here's the trailer: