Watching Enough Oliver Stone Will Eventually Turn You Savage

'Is that soft core porn?' 'no, it's just Oliver Stone trying too hard.' 'oh well i'm sure it has the same low-quality shamelessness and sub-par performances'

What has Oliver Stone been doing to this country and the film industry for all these years if not pissing all over it? Like we needed any of his films to exists, honestly. Alexander (2004) was on BBC America the other day, and I was already not feeling too well and kind of down, after this was in the background for about an hour or so, I was ready to commit murder suicide. But don't think he's hanging up his alpha crazy hat just yet, even though he should have retired 20 years ago, because he's hired the youngest hottest actors in the biz to star in his new movie about pot-growers, cartels, and hot bitches in slutty bikinis. Nope, never seen that before. Thanks for the new outlook, Stone.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson is in there, you might remember him as the guy who played Kick Ass and young John Lennon before his cradle-robbing director, Sam Taylor-Wood hypnotized him and made him her sex slave...I mean they fell in love and got married, same dif. Then there's Taylor Kitsch from John Carter (2011) fame. Yawn. And of course, Serena Van Der Woodsen herself, Blake Lively as 'O' the ho-bag who's dating both of the men simultaneously, probably because of the free pot, and gets kidnapped by evil south-of-the-border cartels Benicio Del Toro and Salma Hayek. Can you predict what happens next? I'm going to say a few sensory-overload shootout sequences, lots of making out in the pool, and a graphic stab scene later, the heroes get the girl back, kill the cartel, and take over in Mexico. And one of them dies. Hopefully Taylor Kitsch.

Why I'm just a sweet little girl who's fucking two men at the same time. I never imagined I would be kidnapped because my two boyfriends pissed off a very hostile to begin with drug cartel. Tee hee.

The film is being marketed as a kind of millenial version of Natural Born Killers (1994) with the same degree of speed, violence, and blatant disregard for one's audience. So I'm expecting it to be just as obnoxious and un-sexy, but now with even more incessant noise. If there is a director out there, that is so obsessed with his films being 'sexy' and in the same breath is anything but, it would be Oliver Stone. There is not a film of his that exists that has ever turned me on no matter how gratuitous and graphic the fucking might be. It always comes off gross, and something I'd rather not have seen, and is always treated as a detrimental consequence for the characters involved. If there is one film I am not looking forward to seeing this year, and probably won't, because I want to spare myself the awkward shame of having to look the ticketing office in the face when I'm picking up a matinee for it, is Savages (2012). It looks like a cheap B-movie not even Verhoeven would touch, and now that I think about it, even though the plot is typically bland and predictable, if you gave this material to Verhoeven at least he might be able to do something interesting and campy with it. Alas, we are all stuck with yet another awful Oliver Stone film that we have to stomach, or at least sit through the TV spot every time we want to watch cute puppy videos on the youtubes. There it is, ruining our mood. Whomever is still putting up money for Oliver Stone to work in this town, please stop it. That well has been dry, not to mention insane for decades now.

Here's the trailer they've shoved down our throat for months. 

My Big Fat Gypsy Obsession

There is a new show that premiered on TLC last Sunday on April 28th. It's the American version spin-off of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (2009 - present) which was a runaway hit in the UK and crossed over to the fascination of all of us over here as well. It's called, wait for it...My Big Fat Gypsy American Wedding. The irony in the pilot episode was stated nail on the head 'though they look like skanks and prostitutes, they really do have high morals' oh the exploitive irony. Thanks for spelling it out for me America. 

But back to the original, what is there to say about My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding that hasn't already been said except 'wow, England has a lot of white trash'. This comes as a revelation to us Americans who believe all English people are stiff upper lipped reserved Shakespearian speaking milquetoast Downton Abbey types. 

But they are not, there are those that TLC refers to as 'travelers' or gypsies. But not in the usual respect in which we see gypsies in our heads (i.e. Esmerelda from Disney's version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame) They are not Romani per se (Romani is the PC way to describe a gypsy that is usually from Romanian or eastern European origin) They are Irish and English, and just full of the worst taste ever. And it's absolutely hilarious to all of us. The girls all get taken out of school circa 12 years old and save up doing...i don't know...something, so that they can eventually get married off at 16 (after 16 you're an old maid) to some douchy chubby do-nothing and live the rest of your life trekking around the scenic and beautiful landscape of gloomy and boring UK in a trailer. Jealous yet? 

Bridesmaids. A for creativity.

Another hilarious part of it, is that though it aired in the UK as well, the program when aired here in the states on TLC requires subtitles because otherwise, I seriously wouldn't understand a word of it. I hate to make this comparison, but they really do sound like Brad Pitt's character from Snatch. 

Anyway the best (or worst) part of the show is of course the dresses these folks don on the one day in their lives they get to feel special before leading a life of basically servitude. If you've ever visited tackyweddings.com that basically sums up what these girls end up looking like. 

Fake tanned to the point like they look like an overcooked chimichanga, with bleached hair that would make Barbie jealous, the dresses are usually of the design of this woman named Thelma Madine who lives in Liverpool and makes a living sewing crystal hearts and butterflies unto tutus. 

All in all, they really are child brides...who also look like whores. Just imagine crystals everywhere including the face, massive crimps and curls, and a dress who's petty coat would rival that first dress that Scarlet O'Hara is seen in in Gone with the Wind (1939) only sparklier. You know what? You shouldn't have to picture it, I'll give  you an example: 

Most of the show is focused on how hard it is to transport the person inside this ten gallon dress and actually to get her to stand on two feet the whole time. 

It's a fabulous shit show, which focuses on the 'fun part' but I'm sure the part afterwards...you know...the actual marriage...is anything but. Especially for the girls. But for now, gimme more! Side note, what's especially disgusting is when the ladies have their bachelorette parties which include their children cousins who are like 8 to 10 and are grinding on the dance floor like they are auditioning for a Beyoncé video. How this is legal I have no clue. Another side note, what is really really really cute and sad is how they love to compare their particular shit show of a wedding that I need tinted aviators to watch because of all the unnecessary bling to last year's Royal Wedding. Although Pippa's dress was pretty slutty so go for it ladies. Have your big wedding and then become nothing but a housewife and make sure you continue to keep women in the kitchen where they belong. But at least you get to wear a tiara for a day.

Nugget of the show just to get you interested.

Below promo for My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. So basically 'America girls who look like slutbags too'