11 Things I Loved in the 90's

Remember the 90's? I do. I was raised in that decade. Unambitious Gen-X'rs, Presidential sex scandals, a surplus economy, and Kurt Cobain? What we who remember the 90's wouldn't do to go back to that. National Geographic called it the last great decade, and seeing where things are right now, I think they were right. Anyway here's a range of things some superficial, some cataclysmic, that influenced my adolescence. In no particular order:

The Craft. 
Let's be honest, who didn't play light as a feather stiff as a board after watching this cataclysmic 90's chick flick about teenage witches? But mostly it was all about the fashion for me, and the appropriation of a lot of 70's songs. Nancy Downs was my girl, I'll fight anyone who says different.

Silverchair. 
Of all the alt-rock post-grunge music that dominated the airwaves of the 90's, this band from down under definitely spoke to my soul, and perhaps not until their third album release; Neon Ballroom, but we all fell in love with Daniel Johns if we grew up in the 90's. In fact I think that's exactly when I started puberty was seeing the video for Anthem for the Year 2000.

Colin Quinn on Weekend Update.
Argue all you want. I think that he is the best person to do Weekend Update on SNL, maybe with Tina and Amy as a close second. He was brash, sarcastic, and snarky AF. He gave zero fucks, and never broke character. One of my favorite Weekend Update guests of the Colin Quinn era is Will Ferrel's frat guy...you don't even know! :)

Goth chic.
Yeah I was a bit alternative in middle school. When all the girls were wearing body glitter I was wearing dark lipsticks and fishnet stalkings and t-shirt that said 'Fuck Grunge'. I thought I was so bad ass. Whether we like it or not goth chic and general 90's fashion is coming back, for got knows what reason, but if you were really into it like me you spent most of your time at the now defunct Hot Topic.

Empire Records.
Most girls my age would probably go the Clueless route, but this film I watched at another 90's archaic behavior; a sleepover, and it was magical. Everything is dated AF such as, oh I don't know setting the whole film in a record store. But look that the principle cast, they couldn't be more 90's if they tried. Say no more mon amour.

TOW With the Prom Video.
I hope you remember oh I don't know, the BEST episode of Friends ever? Season 2, 1995...where we were introduced to perhaps the most heartbreaking and beautiful thing to happen to sitcoms. Monica and Rachel find an old video of themselves getting ready for prom just when Rachel is severely mad at Ross, but what she didn't know is that he completely embarassed himself in trying to help her. They make up and every thing was right in TV land. Nice dresses ladies.

Knee high leather Doc Martins.
The prerequisite of cool in the 90's was doc martins. Now there were many incarnations, but my personal favorite was the knee high black boots. I never left the house without them. They were clunky and heavy, and very threatening.

Hole.
As a marginalized teenager who didn't listen to top 40, Courtney Love and her band really spoke to me, perhaps even more than her legendary late husband. Nirvana was very male centric, and even though it was at times problematic, it was akin to reading Sylvia Plath. it was the first real feminist presence I remember being into. Fuck Lilith Fair.

Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding.
Even if you gave zero shits about figure skating you remember this clear as a bell. Supreme ice princess Nancy Kerrigan was whacked in the knee by what we found out later to be Tonya Harding (her arch rival) and her goons. Though they have all been charged and prosecuted, Tonya has yet to admit culpability, but honestly who cares. The media rode that wave all the way to the Olympics in Lillehammer where NEITHER of them won, and it was a Lifetime movie you couldn't have written. 

Christina Aguilera's Stupid Red Streaks.
The reason I'm not juxtaposing a picture of myself with a cheap salon version of this pic is because I have dignity left, screw that, it's really because I can't find it. But I for real loved this look. Little did I know that Christina was just getting warmed up in the questionable fashion statement idiom. 

Silver Body Paint.
Ever since the Red Hot Chili Peppers video for Give it Away Now premiered, I like many was intrigued. Have you ever tried it in real life? That shit hurts. But hey it was a fun conversation starter at raves, and no Rihanna did not invent it. Sorry ya'll. 

Bill Clinton...duh.
Way before Obama, if you were a kid when Clinton was first released, it was amazing. We'd never had a cool President before. He wore Ray-Bans, played the saxophone on Arsenio Hall, and always had some smooth hillbilly logic to throw our way. Blow job, Shmow job, he was a hell of a president. I miss him. 

Below, all kinds of crap!

Happy 20th Birthday Clueless! You Have One More Year Before We Can Party

Dude what's wrong with you? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something? 

Can you believe that it's been 20 whole years since knee-high socks, plait skirts, and a cannon of pop culture phrases that are so timeless that we still use them in conversation were the basis for how we functioned as human beings? Your 'as ifs' your 'whatevers' your 'I totally paused' par example. 

Don't you feel ancient? I do. Let's travel back in time. It's 1995. I'm an awkward overweight 5th grader with greasy hair and I come to school one day and everyone is dressed up exactly like Cher in the opening scene. Well, we all kind of had to because we went to a Jewish private school and we already had plait skirts, that's right Clueless, we did it first. I also noticed a lot of those topless range rovers driving around the campus by the cooler older sisters, even though that thing would fling like a sling shot over a speed bump and violent crumble like a piece of aluminum foil, it looked fly. Another archaic term from the mind of Amy Heckerling. The girls in my class basically turned themselves into little mini-Cher's because let's face it, who wanted to be Tai. We all used pagers and flip phones, bulleted to the galleria after school was out, and started to believe we could argue our way from a C+ to an A- if we told our teachers that an evil male broke our hearts. Seriously I can quote that film from beginning to end verbatim so for all of our sakes, I'll try to keep it at a minimum.

Those outfits, ladies. Those outfits were so amazing that they were a character in the film unto themselves. We collectively thought. Wait, we can dress like that? No one told me! 

Based surprisingly enough on Jane Austen's 'Emma', the film tells the story of a loaded Beverly Hills blondie who has a rotating closet, a mansion in the 90210, and silky blonde hair, and absolutely no clue. It's laden with more 90's nostalgia than the front page of Buzzfeed, and oozing with snarky and quippy one-liners. It's literally the perfect teen movie, and I just feel so sorry for the generation following us that nad nothing better than Twilight to cling to. Mean Girls came close, but c'mon, there can only be one. And Clueless is the undisputed gold medalist.

Here's the thing, it's not just dumb funny the likes of which we see with the frat pack, where fart and pot jokes are front and center. Yes, it's a film for the ladies, but for how much it glorifies being a bit hair-brained, and CLUELESS, superficial and dense, it's a smart satire with such amazing writing that only a woman's sensibility could have brought to it. Amy Heckerling is like the Nora Ephron that doesn't take herself too seriously, and she's damn talented. Female filmmakers to this day like Tamara Jenkins, Nicole Holofcener, and Sofia Coppola takes major queues from her. As they should. She was a trailblazer in her own right, and the film is still relevant today, despite being a fluffy comedy, despite being totally dated, and despite having little substance.

Pillow lipped, gorgeous, and quirky, Alicia created a character that we couldn't help but love and aspire to be. 

Why is it most of us can still quote from it, name at least 3 actors that were in it, and dress like Cher at the Valley party? It's not just teenage fodder. Perhaps unintentionally, Heckerling made a landmark film that through its carefree whimsy became a solid piece of pop culture history.

All of us Gen-Y'ers are starting to procreate (well most anyway), and I'm sure the first thing we sit our kids down to watch when they're about 8 or so is going to be Clueless. You know why? It's very simple. It's fucking fun. It's not Citizen Kane, and it doesn't have to be. It's entertainment in it's purest form, salted and peppered with a great wardrobe, and some of the most memorable spoken lines ever, this film changed our entire cultural landscape. For those of us who remember, we went from wearing Nirvana T's and coming to school with unwashed hair, to pulling up those knee-high socks, charging our giant flip phones, and giving everyone in our path some kind of make-over. Yeah we might not have grown up loaded in a giant mansion in Beverly, nor fallen in love with our step brother (lest we forget, that was also our introduction to Paul Rudd). but we could all relate to Cher's plight. In fact, she is in a very strange way Charles Foster Kane. She's a girl that has literally everything, but in the end realizes she needs to 'make-over' her soul. If only Kane had come to the same conclusions. (I realize film buffs reading this are very close to shooting me right now) I honestly don't care.

Still rollin' with the homies. 

Clueless is a timeless genius piece of filmmaking, and what's great about it is that it doesn't make you think, and it doesn't make you cry. It makes you laugh and it makes you happy. And, escapism is a very important cog in the filmmaking institution. Also, talk about roles people were born to play. Had anyone been cast as Cher aside from Alicia Silverstone, I think the film would definitely have been forgotten damn fast. Her faces alone are unforgettable. The 'oops my bad' big eyes, or the 'anything you can do to attract attention to your mouth is good' dreamy stare, and of course the 'She's a total Monet' side-eye. She was our perky, blonde, Gloria Steinem. So bless you Heckerling, bless you Alicia...now if you'll excuse me I left my Cranberries CD in the quad I have to get it before someone snags it.

And I couldn't resist so here's my favorite list of quotes:

'He's a disco dancing, Oscar Wilde reading, Streisand ticket holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm sayin'?' - Murray

'At least I didn't skin a collie to make my backpack' - Dionne

'What was that about?' - Cher
'Lucy's from El Salvador' - Josh
'So?' - Cher
'It's a whole different country' - Josh
'What does that matter?' - Cher
'You get upset if people think you live below Sunset' - Josh

'You're a virgin who can't drive' - Tai

'My foot hurts, can I go to the nurse?' - Elton

'Duh, it's like a famous quote...from cliff's notes' - Cher

'And I think I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did' - Cher

'I'm not offering I'm asking you IF you drink, you think I give alcohol to teenage drivers taking out my daughter?' - Mel Horowitz

'Girly, as far as you're concerned I'm the Messiah of the DMV' - DMV instructor

'Isn't my house a classic? The column date back allt he way to 1972' - Cher

'You like Billie Holiday?' - Christian
'I love him' - Cher

'That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential' - Cher

'You look confused' - Josh
'Well, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East' - Cher

'It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day' - Cher
'Do you see the distinction?' - Dionne

'Cher get in here' - Mel Horowitz
'Yes daddy?' - Cher
'What the hell is that?' - Mel Horowitz
'A dress' - Cher
'Says who?' -Mel Horowitz
'Calvin Klien' - Cher

Ok I'll stop now. Add your own. You know you have some.

Below, clips! What else?

Spotlight on: Clueless

'Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.'

 When those of us on the tail-end of Gen X, or birth of Gen Y were just awkward 10-year-olds with braces, bad hair, and chubby fingers, there was a film that defined everything about growing up in the 90's, and even if we were far too young for a lot of their inside jokes we relished in it, and remember it verbatim to this day.

Penned as a contemporary adaptation of the Jane Austen classic 'Emma' (1815) it told the story of a totally loaded blondie from Beverly Hills named Cher played impeccably by Alicia Silverstone who tries to improve on the shallowness and general misdirection of her peers through the cutest catchphrases of the 90's.
Sure you have your 'as ifs' and your 'whatevers' but my personal favorite is 'He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?' which is exactly what I say to a friend every time I'm trying to convince her that her boyfriend is gay.
But let's talk about the star of the film for one second, blonde, Lolita-esque, curvy, ditsy, and cute as a button Jew Alicia who could not have been more perfectly cast. She was total jailbait but in fact had based much of her career prior to Clueless (1995) on that very shtick. She was the Frodo Baggins in the trilogy of early 90's Aerosmith videos, and by the time she hit the feature screen she was only 16, while her counterpart Stacey Dash (Dionne) was like 30 playing a 16 year old.
As a girl, I just remember wanting nothing more than to be exactly like Cher when I grew up from the soft flowy hair which she adjusts every two seconds, to the designer wardrobe (particularly that infamous yellow outfit she wears in the beginning of the film) I think I even begged on my knees for my parents to buy me one of those windowless white Jeeps that were so popular back then, of course if you hit a speed bump you'd be doing somersaults against the pavement until the car compressed into the size of a foil ball like an accordion. To perpetuate the Lolita aesthetic, she also had those ridiculous knee high socks, remember those? If you played Varsity Volleyball like me you did, because that was part of the uniform. Together with a brightly colored plait skirt and a tight baby-tee, we were all sold.

I'm still waiting for someone to bring back the oversized headband-minidress-thigh high socks look. A girl can dream.

Another Lolita-like quality of the film is the whole incest undertone. I don't know if I'm the only one, but I was and still am pretty bothered by the fact that she ends up with her step-brother (played by Paul Rudd) at the end of it all, I know they are not related by blood and step-sibling romances were a huge trend in the 90's (Cruel Intentions (1999) par example) I still found it rather icky.
But all that aside, we cannot deny that Clueless was a defining moment in 90's culture along with Vanilla Ice, Woodstock '99, and the OJ Bronco chase. Girls my age took pretty much all of their cues from this delightful little film, impeccably written and directed by New York intellectual Amy Heckerling. Aesthetically speaking, no other film better captured what it was like to grow up in the 90's, and it's just too bad that the millennial's don't have something quite like Clueless to point to and say 'this was me, I lived this'. Oh and also, RIP Brittany Murphy...I guess. I'm outty.

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