7 Months Without Zayn and We're Still Standing

I did not make this brilliant poster art. I'm not creative enough.

We all cried our eyes out when Zayn quit One Direction seven months ago. I know I couldn't eat, sleep, or start a sentence without breaking into tears for weeks. It was worse than when Gerry left the Spice Girls...or when the Beatles broke up. I still can't even. I've lost all ability to even. We all know that the magic boy band formula calls for 5 as the magic number, and 4 is bullshit. Joey Justin Chris Jc and Lance. Nick Brian Kevin Howie and AJ. Niall Louis Harry Liam and ZAYN. For fuck's sake. You can't just ask me to cut off 1/5th of the magic formula, then it's not so magical anymore, think about it.

I feel like the world has gone crazy and I want off. Louis is pregnant, Zayn quit the group. What's next? Harry dates Taylor Swift? Wait, that already happened. Motherfuck. Just the name of the band suggest that no one is allowed to quit and stays there until the bitter end...much like the Pope. Wait, the last Pope quit didn't he. What is happening?

Oh to be that dude that has to photoshop Zayn out of group photos for a living.

Now what am I supposed to do with that lower back tattoo of the first cover art of 'Up All Night' with all of their names written in cursive underneath? Tattoo a 'no longer there' above 'Zayn'? No! I'm in enough pain as it is. I'm telling you, people. Prepare yourself for the worst. Louis is going to have a baby and probably going to have to quit next. Then I know Harry's going to cave because he's this close to his own record deal and is too young and shiny to pass that up. Then who have we got Niall and Liam, what is it going to be a Sonny and Cher kind of thing? One of them is going to have to learn a folk instrument and I'm not sticking around to watch either of them struggle with a ukulele.  Clearly my entire life is flashing before my eyes, and I'm thinking the worst because that's how I'm programmed. But I can't see a functioning world without One Direction. Who else believes they're single-handedly responsibly for stimulating our economy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? ...Harry Styles for President? Too far? Yeah that's too far.

The male pop superstar recipe calls for 5 members, and 4 just doesn't taste as good. 

But you know what America? We're a nation of survivors and we're going to make it through this. It's been 7 months, and just like someone in AA would i've been counting the days of how long I've gone without Zayn. I have my tough moments but I have a 1D sponsor that I can call and they'll come over and play 'The Story of My Life' at full volume while they force feed me cookie dough and everything returns to normal. And if retrospect if any of them was going to quit first (which is an inevitability in the boy band universe) I'm fine with it being Zayn. My holy trinity is Harry Louis and Niall. I think Niall's the Holy Ghost but I'm not sure. I think that the rest of the world agrees with me. Had it been Liam, there would be rioting. And let's be real, unlike BSB and 'N Sync, One Direction doesn't need 5 voices to harmonize. In case you hadn't lost ALL respect for me just yet, let me enlighten you. Justin is a lead tenor, JC is a high tenor, Chris is a counter tenor, Joey is a baritone and Lance Bass is all about the bass (lame puns rear their ugly head). Clearly they all studied opera because together those 5 voices make a beautiful harmony that hypnotizes girls in their teens to spend millions of their parents' money. I know One Direction can sing, but they're not as chemically inclined as the rest, put it that way if that makes sense. Ok fine, THEY CAN'T SING. Do I care?? Does anyone? What I'm saying is that since the release of their first single since Zayn's departure I can't tell the difference. Sounds the same. I just miss his face. I'd grown so accustomed to it (musical theater reference, what.)

Below, videos from the good ol' days. I can barely bring myself to watch their new videos, not only because I can't in public for fear of being ostracized by society but because my heart still hasn't recovered from the loss.

These People Dated (Thank God They Didn't Reproduce)

Brad and Gwyneth. Yeah. this was a big deal back in the 90's. That would have been some spectacular looking spawn, but now we have Apple and Moses on one side, and an entire soccer team on the other side. I love how they even coordinated their hairstyles. 

Johnny Depp and Kate Moss. A match made in cocaine and eating disorders.

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson. No...just no. Creepy as fuck.

Cameron Diaz and Jared Leto. Although not so bright himself I feel like if he mixed his DNA with Cameron's that would result in one ridiculously stupid child.

Elizabeth Moss and Fred Armisen. One of the two Mad Women to bag an SNL repertory player, unfortunately she's psychotic and a friend of Xenu, no wonder the Portlandia co-creator ran screaming after a short-lived 3 month marriage. 

January Jones and Jason Sudeikis. The adorable SNL veteran met Stepford Wife in training January Jones when she hosted the show, later going down in history as one of the shows worst episodes ever. This was the biggest yawn couple ever.

Jennifer Lopez and P. Diddy. America's sweethearts?

Courtney Cox and Michael Keaton. Court has always made questionable love decisions, I mean she WAS married to David Arquette for like a decade but even this one is a bit bizzare, and not just because of the 12 year age-gap.

The Only Good Shows Left On TV

Let's face it. TV has taken serious hits. If I went down the list of every show that sucks out there, this might be a blog worthy of a dissertation but just to name a few; no one cares about Mad Men anymore because the nostalgia has worn off and no one wants to see Don Draper in high-rise bell bottoms when they enter the 70's, Breaking Bad has also lost a ton of momentum considering it's just gotten long and boring and at this point you've taken a knee and tried to run out the clock. In terms of vampires, True Blood has just gotten a bit too much; too much sex, too much blood. It's like Twilight was chopped up into serials...or if there was a third tier daytime soap opera but with vampires. You know my feelings on Girls so let's just save us both time and not go there. And let's not even get started on Reality TV, the juggernaut that is backfiring like crazy right now. At first it was kinda cool and interesting; delving into that curious kitty inside all of us, then it became gratuitous, and now a days, they just make shows about anything until the novelty wears off too, even The Soup isn't funny anymore...I stopped watching ages ago. And basically most of Bravo and the E! Network's shows are tired. They are just scraping the bottom of the barrel with shows that actually have a hashtag in their title (i.e. #Richkids Of Beverly Hills). And after Phil Robertson's incendiary comments on the ridiculously overblown show Duck Dynasty, we can all agree that the well of redneck TV has run dry also. As for situation comedy, there's only one show that is still standing and has the Golden Globe to prove it. So here we go... 

Parks and Recreation, NBC. Still going strong, on its 5th season. It came out of the box so poorly with the first season being basically a throw away and was this close to being cancelled, but with new writers and Amy Poehler's tenacity and comic genius and Ron Swanson as the resident breakout character, this show has plenty more seasons in its future. It never gets dull, repetitive, or boring. It's everything a sitcom should be. 

Hannibal, NBC. This is a really seriously interesting take on the crime thriller TV show genre. It focuses on a detective who has severe mental and emotional trauma and deals with his solving crime cases in a very dark, morose, and existantial way. Not to mention the biggest criminal and focus of the show is based on one of the most infamous characters in pop-culture; Hannibal Lecter, and you would think no one would be able to trump Anthony Hopkins nor should attempt it, but Madds Mikkelson is a blessing sent from the acting heavens and gives new brevity and life to this format, and creates a psychological drama so profound it's terrifying yet beautiful to experience. 

The Vampire Diaries, CW Network. Unlike it's biggest competition; True Blood, it's an actually character driven show with great writers and interesting arcs. They aren't preoccupied with shock value and really nuance every story they are telling no matter how seemingly superficial it seems. It's a winner. 

Downton Abbey, ITV. This show received so much flack for being boring and too 'British', but at the same time it caught America by the balls and hasn't yet let go. Whether it be the Dowager Countess' sarcastic comments or reliving big events we never actually got to live through from the Titanic sinking to the First World War, the characters again, are that which matter the most in this show. Julian Fellows has followed a very important rule of writing, which is consistency. And it has paid off in spades. Without it's success in America and American's fascination with the series, it probably wouldn't have lasted longer than a couple season, but it's on it's 4th and going strong. 

Sherlock, BBC. This is perhaps the best show on television right now, and definitely in the top ten of the decade, easily. Mark Gatiss and Stephen Moffat have reinvented the entire Sir Arthur Conan Doyle cannon and done so brilliantly, appropriating it for modern times. You can see just how much they love the source material considering how true they stay to it. On top of that, they made two genius decision; stretching each episode to an hour and a half so they only have to put out three episodes a season, and casting Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock. There has never been an actor more suited for the role he's playing.

Vanderpump Rules, Bravo. I know what you're thinking, but you know what? This show is exactly what it is; an unapologetic view of some of the most hideous personalities that exist on earth, and it's fascinating. No matter how little reality is actually in this reality series, it is starting to trump it's predecessor; The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, of which this is a spin off. It's low art and low blows. It's silly and addictive, fabulous and nauseating. It's not exactly a breath of fresh air, but it's sticking by the principals of Reality TV and not taking itself seriously. Perfect example: Bravo decided to link the two shows and show the same party first from the perspective of the housewives on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, then from the servers, from Vanderpump Rules, back to back I might add, and the latter was far more interesting, especially Stassi's impressions and Jax's comments. 'It was like a drunk United Nations'...priceless. 

Saturday Night Live, NBC. With the departure of Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Seth Meyers, and Kristen Wiig, you would think this show that will seemingly never die would go down the crapper and fast, but with the casting of Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong, Taran Killam, and most newly Beck Bennett, Saturday Night Live has pumped newer and younger life into its content and is still going strong. Just because some seriously strong and valuable players have retired and Lorne has to now send out the bench warmers, they are proving they can play in the big leagues. And with the digital short concept no longer in play, the new cast members have found new and creative ways to compensate. Also with the female cast almost as close in count with the male, it's no longer the 'boy's club' and they've taken full advantage of that. Can we say 'Girlfriends Talkin' About Guys and Stuff'? 

Clips below:

SNL Goes Gay!

This last episode of SNL definitely carried a theme with it, and in light of Minnesota's new passing of legalization of gay marriage, a lot of the content was along those same lines. It's always nice when a tv institution comments on what's important in culture at the moment, particularly if the nature of the show is to be funny, which somewhat makes it harder because the issues commented on are usually incendiary and sensitive, but with Ben Affleck at the helm and it's roster of genius writers and repertory players like John Mulaney, Bill Hader, and Cecily Tyson, SNL themed episode on the topic of gay marriage gets my vote.

Ben Affleck and Taran Killam soooooo want it.

There was the sketch about those ridiculous turn-you-straight camps that unbelievably still exist where Affleck plays the head counselor who used to be gay himself, but now can 'totally control it', although everything in the skit proves otherwise and Affleck's characters just decides to 'let it be'. That was actually mildly funny, but the best gay-marriage themed sketch came in the form of the faux commercial for the new Xanax.

'At my wedding we gave everyone cheez-its and a mini bottle of water. Keith and David got us two tickets to Italy and 40,000$.'

It starts off like any commercial for Xanax except you soon realize it's only Xanax that you require when you start getting invited to many fabulous gay weddings which are always going to be much more perfect than yours or any straight wedding you'll ever go to. It's brilliant satire basically outlining the inevitable truths that gay weddings now that more and more are becoming legal around the nations will always be better and more fabulous than the run-of-the-mill straight wedding no matter how many dancing bridesmaids go down the aisle. 

Seth and Stefon happily return to the Weekend Update stage to have all of their regulars rejoice in their new union.

It all culminated with pop-culture institution Stefon's appearance on Weekend Update where he did is usual bizarre monologue and crack up in the middle of which, but then stated he was no longer interested in Seth Meyers and found a new man and was going to marry him, after which he promptly ran off. What followed was comedy gold. Seth tries to carry on but is clearly distraught. I should mention that Amy Poehler makes a surprise cameo on Update and tells Seth to 'go to him' and in a parody of The Graduate (1968), Seth runs after Stefon whom he find in a church at the alter with none other than Anderson Cooper. It was beyond amazing. Everyone Stefon has ever described in his crazy rants is manifest there, including DJ Baby Bok Choy (remember him?) Seth yells for Stefon, and just like in The Graduate, he gets his bride and they off while Anderson Cooper is left jilted at the alter with a black eye. It was nothing short of art, and Stefon and Seth Meyers are finally run off to a happy life together and after that I feel asleep, content and happy. I should also mention that this was Bill Hader's last episode so it was a very touching farewell.

Below some of the clips. 

Justin Timberlake: Actor, Singer, Dancer, Comedian, Sex God

My friend once told me right after The Social Network (2010) was released that Justin Timberlake was the greatest post-modern actor at this time, and though I didn’t exactly get what he was talking about and how that was true, I totally do now. But there’s another word I would use to describe him; Renaissance man.

He is like an old-timey singer/dancer under contract to MGM. He’s Gene Kelly with looser pants and killer swagger. We knew him as that slightly annoying girly-sounding, awful white-boy fro 1/5 of pop titans ‘N Sync, and now he’s an institution unto himself.

Lorne Michaels caught on to his comedic talents early on when 'N Sync first appeared in a sketch back in 2003 when they played an offshoot of themselves, and when he decided to ditch the back up singers and fly solo, writing from the depths of his heart about his break up with pop princess Britney Spears in the juggernaut song ‘Cry Me a River’, it was cemented; Timberlake had arrived. 

JT in his signature three piece suit on the cover of GQ

He also knew how to utilize style. Considering how influenced he was by hip hop, it would have been ridiculous if he came on stage in baggy pants, a Hilfiger puff jacket and a sideways cap being all ‘yo yo yo, Timberlake in the house!’, not that that’s how all hip hop artists are, I’m just making a point. He trademarked the three-piece suit and fedora dressing like a 30’s gangster and dancing like Fred Astaire, Michael Jackson, and Michael Kidd had a baby. And if you don’t know who Michael Kidd is well then you suck.

With perhaps the most ill-fitting named album ever ‘Future Sex/Love Sounds’ dominating the charts, Lorne Michaels invites Timberlake back to host his own episodes of SNL and last week he became a card carrying member of the 5-times host club, and he’s only 32 people. He found a stellar bromance with repertory player Andy Samberg and together they created some of the most memorable digital shorts of SNL’s entire history. You know them all so it’s redundant to list them one by one.

Justin Timberlake in one of his funniest sketches on SNL, playing Beyonce's back up dancer for her video 'Single Ladies'.

Then what happens? He tackles the only other industry left for him to dominate; the film industry, and boy does he. Yes of course it’s expected of him to be almost effortless in feather light romantic comedies, like an edgier Rock Hudson, but it was when The Social Network came out that we really got to see what he was made of. And one only has to ask, what’s next for JT? The man who can basically do everything? I say he hosts next year’s Academy Awards, or perhaps even gets nominated. He’s slated to star opposite Ben Affleck and Gemma Arterton in Runner Runner (2013) coming out next year, and after that he’s going to play an alcoholic in The Last Drop (2013), perhaps proving to us all that the effeminate soprano from a 90’s fad boy-band has grown leaps and bounds into a pop-culture institution that we can all appreciate. 

As Sean Parker in The Social Network (2010)

PS His new album (released today) is fucking awesome. I guess that was the whole point of this post. 

 PPS, all of his best footage i posted to my Filth Screen facebook page so it's again redundant to give you any more visual pleasure. You can find them here. Filth Screen on Facebook. 

So I'll just leave you with his video for 'Suit and Tie' complete with his Target commercial. Enjoy! 

Top 10: Filthiest Kristen Wiig Characters

Let's face it, whether you loved or hated her, or just thought she was frantically overexposed, Kristen Wiig was a tour-de-force in the 21st century of SNL. Not just as a woman, but as a character actress with no regard whatsoever for her own vanity. Her cannon of characters that she is leaving the show with as her legacy is vast and completely runs the gambit exploiting just how creative she was, and how sad it is that she's gone now, because we all knew it was going to happen, we just didn't know it would be quite the end of the era that it has dawned upon us that it is. 

Here's a list of her most inspired characters that in my opinion will always resonate, and will always be some kind of funny, and will always be very good ideas for Halloween costumes. We miss you already Kristy. 

10. Travel Correspondent Judy Grimes. The overly nervous stiff upper-lipped Judy Grimes with her inevitable 'just kidding' bits had all of our eyebrows raised as to just how Kristen was able to come up with monologues like this and not break into laughter or flub up the lines even once. Take notes Bill Hader. 

9. Bjork. It could be the most inspired Bjork impression we've ever seen if not the first one we've been exposed to.   With her princess Leia hair, and fluffy sweater, she had all of us saying 'greetings Snarf, how is your skeleton' to every passing stranger.

8. Lana Del Rey. After her no less than disastrous performance on the 'hollowed ground' that is the SNL musical guest stage, it was inevitable that Ms. Wiig would do a beyond fabulous and hilarious impersonation of the  nationally humiliated hipster icon.  I love it when Kristen can show off how pretty and skinny she is. 

7. Suze Orman. The famed lesbian with tips on how to save money on body cream by rolling yourself in Country Crock and then diving into your gravel pit was all Kristen's handy work, and as much as we think that this was born from her brilliant mind, Suze Orman is actually a real person, and Kristen plays her so well you wouldn't be able to tell which is which if the two were in the same  room. 

6. Mindy Grayson might be one of my absolute favorites. She's clearly an homage of sorts to Alice Ripley set in the 60's and reminds me so much of some of my mom's friends considering they are all in theater, and that's actually exactly how they talk. Her saying the secret word by accident and then excusing it by saying that she's an actress and it's her job, is never not funny. 

5. Gilly. Who doesn't love Gilly, even that first time you watched that sketch and you were like 'what is happening exactly?' after a while, you were doing Gilly impressions...Sorry. :)

4. I think this is my favorite character of SNL of the passed 10 years or so. Let me give  you the premise, it's a throw back to the Lawrence Welk Show which was a real thing back in the late 50's and was on variety syndication. There would always be a group of 'sisters' who would come out dressed identically and do ditties. Except in Kristen's case, her character Doonice (or is it Eunice) is slightly off. She has the forehead of 'a side of a cliff' and baby doll arms, and never ever says the right thing she is supposed to, but loves molesting whoever is the man leading the singing with her creepy arms. It's genius. 

3. Kris Jenner. In just one sketch, but one that was probably the best parody sketch of the whole season, Kristen Wiig got the pleasure (ahem) of playing famed stage-mom and all around uberbitch Kris Jenner, and she did it to a tee. It was so accurate, that even the butt of the joke said she was in tears over it. Tears of joy that is.

2. Nancy Pelosi. Tina Fey will always have her Sarah Palin, and Amy Pohler will always have her Hillary Clinton, but Kristen's Nancy Pelosi is just a notch above the rest because of it's filthy subtlety and the portraiture of this otherwise serene and stately woman as a dirty-minded enabler of sorts, with the funniest facial expressions that all work to perpetuate this myth. 

1. Kathy Lee. Even though the sketch has gone through at least three different actresses playing Hoda Kotb the butt of most Kathy Lee jokes, Kristen Wiig has proven just how powerful her staying power is by doing a spot-on impression of Kathy Lee on their usually wine-soaked program on the 4th hour of the Today show. And I really don't think that any of what she does in any of the sketches is that far fetched, as someone who watched the 4th hour of the Today show at times, I can tell you that this is a stone-cold documentary interpretation. 

Portlandia and Hippy Sexuality

With the genius hipster-skewering snark-bomb that is Portlandia, (Season 2 premiered on IFC January 6th), I'd love to give this show some major props. Conceived by former Sleater-Kinney front-woman Carrie Brownstein and SNL heavyweight Fred Armisen with a consistent slew of high profile celebrity guests from Kyle MahLachlan to Steve Buscemi, the show is garnering some serious praise for critics and a solid cult-turning-mainstream following. The sexual texts in this sketch comedy series is pretty right on, and unwaveringly hilarious. Yes the show tends to prey on gender stereotypes and yes maybe that's the whole point. It is a satire after all, so all's fair. 

One of their most endearing sketches that is a perfect example of all of the above is the Feminist Bookstore bit. Armisen in drag and Carrie Brownstein play a couple of 'enlightened' third-wave feminists, who are incredibly rude and condescending to anyone who is 'beneath' them, i.e. all men that might come in, or a girl sporting cut-off shorts. They hate any remotely phallic symbols including pointing fingers and pretty much spend all of their time talking about non-sense and drinking trendy teas. Let's just face it, we've all met women like that. I have to deal with them all the time when I buy candles at Bodhi Tree on Melrose. Every time I'm there it's like I've stepped into a Portlandia sketch.

And it's true, Feminism has been taking some hits lately, and I'm not talking about the general degradation of women kind and attempt to eliminate most of our human rights via the Republican candidates' platform, but of the sarcastic caliber as well.
Brownstein and Armisen also often play with gender stereotypes by switching theirs up. Both are rather androgynous when playing themselves, and take big creative liberties with each playing members of the opposite sex quite often, Armisen probably more than Brownstein channeling his inner Lillith Fair goddess.

Role reversal.
Brownstein as her recurring character of a tatted up mustachioed chauvinist who's obsession with sex drives his prudish girlfriend (Armisen) away.

Everyone seems to be in on the joke, even if their themselves feminist icons like Amy Mann and Sarah Mclaughlin. Every new-wave of redundant hippie culture that came about in the 90's that people actually took seriously for a few years is lampooned in this series, quite brilliantly and without any aggressiveness. It  takes us to as Brownstein puts it that 'parallel universe' where 'hot girls wear glasses', grow their hair long, threw away their last underwire, and recite Sylvia Plath verbatim. And the men are like...enlightened, soft, and passive; hip but introverted. Unless of course if Brownstein is playing the man. They would never call a woman's breasts tits, take her from behind and ride her like a plastic carnival pony, or ask her to wear heels. Heels don't exist in Portland. Basically the men are more feminine than usual and the women are more masculine than usual so they even out into this asexual freewheelin' faux-intellectual that is hilarious in how annoying they he/she is. 

This show also exemplifies the notion that in comedy women are always going to be nastier than men and Brownstein's sexual comedy is just above Armisen's in this series. She doesn't shy from being as forward and 'out there' as possible to drive the joke home, and it never fails to follow through.
The series is very clever, impeccably written and conceived, and always pitch perfect in its satire. It's fantastic, watch it.

Stefon: The Filthiest Correspondent on Weekend Update

Hader cracking up (as per usual) during his Stefon monologue. This results from co-creator John Mulaney's penchant for changing the script seconds before airtime. 

In all the years of Weekend Update, from Chevy to Norm, from Tina and Amy to now Seth, there hasn't been quite an inspired character as Stefon gracing the stage next to the correspondent every Saturday night in front of a live audience to make them cackle in hysterics and fill them with glee, and find his way to SNL greatness and immortality. Just like Bill Hader (the actor behind Stefon) probably practiced his best Bill Murray or John Belushi, some kid that's going to join the Saturday Night Live cast as a repertory player in 2032 is going to site practicing Bill Hader characters in front of his mirror as a child. 

The incomparable Stefon was born from the minds of SNL staff writer 27-year-old boy-wonder John Mulaney from Best Week Ever fame, and Hader himself when they combined two characters they had each separately encountered on their every day trek around New York. For those of you who have never watched a full season of the show and are missing out big time because of it, Stefon is this 'city correspondent' whom Seth Meyers asks on the show frequently to give 'salt of the earth' type of people good tips on what to do in the city; regular things like the Magnolia Bakery, Guggenheim Museum, and ice skating in Rockefeller Center. The comedy stems from the fact that Stefon never seems to understand this and goes into monologues about things to that sound like as Seth Meyers puts it; 'nightmares of a crystal meth addict' among other things. 

There are few characters that take off the way that Stefon has and gain such a loyal and profound a following. After this weeks episode last night featuring Katy Perry as host (yes, as host not musical guest) Twitter erupted with Stefon hash tags, the general sentiment being that even in a lack luster episode, one appearance from Stefon can save the overall merit of the show, and it's true. As a writer, Stefon is a character who I've always dreamed of being able to create and kick myself for not being half as brilliant as it takes to come up with someone like him. But overall, I'm so grateful he exists and makes my life wonderful every once in a while. 

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This is how Stefon is described on Wikipedia: 

Stefon is a flamboyantly gay character who appears to be always nervous, as indicated by how he can never keep his hands still and constantly rubs them together. He always touches his face and hair, and it seems like he has frequent anxiety attacks. A possible explanation for this is Stefon's excessive consumption of recreational drugs.^[2] He is very knowledgeable and has the inside scoop on nightclubs featuring very bizarre themes and characters. This is where he constantly recommends tourists to go visit, much to Seth Meyers' frustration.

According to the May 7th episode of Saturday Night Live, his mother is named Ms. Stefon, and his father is David Bowie.

Stefon wears Ed Hardy shirts and multiple rings. He has an asymmetrical haircut that is highlighted, and has a very loud style of dress...
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Hader himself tends to break character and crack up pretty much in every sketch that Stefon appears, which makes the audience loose their minds. But it's completely understandable considering the incendiary comedy contents of his speech. Stefon usually starts his monologues with 'New York's hottest club is __________' and follows it with many increasingly bizarre and implausible attributes commonly containing very clever puns on famous names. The hilarity of it growing exponentially with every descriptive phrase. 

But to truly understand Stefon, you have to hear it from his own mouth. So i've painstakingly compiled an anthology of all of his monologues since his first appearance on Update in November of 2008. At first, the show didn't have the character back on for almost a year, but after his second appearance everyone knew he was here to stay. I think it's time I let Stefon speak for himself: Here are excerpts from some of his best spots on Weekend Update

You're welcome. 

“New york’s hottest club is Gush. Club owner Gay Dunaway has built a fantasy world that answers the question, “Nooow?” This place has everything: geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors, and look over there in the corner – is that Mick Jagger? No. It’s a fat kid on a slip ‘n slide. His knees look like biscuits and he’s ready to party.”

“New York’s hottest club is TRASH. After you step through the stainless steel door to this meat-packing hot spot, you’ll be greeted by none other than Pierre, the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything- clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in- there’s no password. At the door just do the Cosby face.” 

“New York’s hottest new club is Slash. This place has everything; glass, steam, bear-traps, and just when you think the fun is over, knock knock, who’s there? it’s black George Washington. All of that in a party room filled with human bath mats. Drag superstar promoter Coochie Crumbles is back. And this time, she has gone curazee! With a party that answers the question, “Whaaat?!”It has everything: ghetto blasters, condom balloons, reverse fist fights, 200-pound middle-aged women in glittered leotards, a kiddie pool full of Chinese contortionists, gummi bear kisses…"

"Wait, what are gummi bear kisses?"

"You know when one person starts chewing on a gummi bear and the stranger next to them finishes it…"

"New York's hottest club is Taste. Nightlife designer Tranny Griffith is back with the all new club that answers the question, “HUHHH? Don’t look for a bouncer, there isn’t one. Instead, the door is guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old fashioned bathing suits. And inside is just sick, ice sculpture, winos, Gurmfs...German Smurfs, a teddy ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady with Kid 'n Play hair, and none other than DJ Baby Bok Choy… He’s a giant 300 lbs Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and he spins records with his little ravioli hands."

"New York’s hottest club is Kress. Club promoter Tranny Oakly, has gone all out. Inside is just everything. Lights, pyschos, ferbies, screaming babies in mozart wigs, sunburn drifters with soap sud beards. You know it’s that thing, when a hobo becomes a rich man so they take the big bubble bath."

"New York’s hottest club is Wesh. Nine year old, Tokyo pimp Hitchy Yakogoru is back with an all new hot spot that answers the question: What?! This place has everything. Trants, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powder, teddy graham people...you know it’s that thing of like when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly."

"New York’s hottest club is Twice. Don’t be thrown off when you’re greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks Joaquin Phoenix. You’re in the right place. Club owner, Robert Blake has thought of everything. Gosps, carnival barkers, groups of guys with afros in graduation caps, human fire hydrants. You know it’s that thing when high-waisted midgets, with like, the red pants."

Here is Stefon's appearance from last night (12/10/11) 

 

And here is my favorite Stefon appearance on Weekend Update. 

Stefon's New York Hot Spots! by Laylorkb

Filthiest SNL Sketches

SNL really started getting raunchy in the 90's. They did do the Lord and Lady Douchebags sketch back in the 70's, but if you want to talk about too hot for live TV, they've been getting away with murder lately, and it's fantastic. Let's hope the kids did go to bed before 11:30. Here are some of the filthiest the writers and cast of SNL have come up with through the years, that somehow slipped past the NBC censorship radar. 

The only sketch in SNL history to have an ice cream flavor named after it. Schweddy Balls could be one of the most brilliant to date. Anna Gasteyer and Molly Shannon do this parody on NPR shows called Delicious Dish, and in their third or fourth sketch when Alec Baldwin was hosting did a gag in which his name was Pete Schweddy, and his culinary speciality was these holiday dessert balls, much like doughnut holes. The big joke of course being all of the double entendres that were inescapable on a radio program from 'I can't wait to get my mouth around these balls' to 'do whatever you want to them ladies, my balls are here for your pleasure'. I was lucky enough to see this sketch when it first premiered and I remember the reaction to this day. Pandaemonium. Well deserved. 

This was another unforgettable double entendre sketch conceived by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.The host, Christopher Walken plays a Civil War commander named Colonel Angus. For those of you not in the know, when said over and over and in a southern accent begins to sounds an awful lot like 'cunnilingus'. Which of course leads to some hilarity in its play on words like 'I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus...he rubs me the wrong way' and 'Colonel Angus is an acquired taste'.

I don't think there's an actual name to this running sketch from the 90's with Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan as the horniest couple in the world that are always getting way too inappropriate in the most awkward settings, and when the poor outsider is turned on by it and decides to join in, they all of a sudden switch gears automatically and chastise said person for being perverted. 

The infamous canteen boy sketch that made Alec Baldwin a hit on the SNL hosting circuit and reminded all of us just how hairy he is. He plays some kind of scout master that takes advantage of a dim-witted kid who serves as the canteen boy for his troop. This was Adam Sandler's inspiration for his eventual waterboy character...which admittedly we could have all done without. 

Kenan Thompson has been an inspired addition to the SNL institution since 2003, and this is one of his funniest and filthiest characters. Done in the commercial parody formula, Grady Wilson's 'Burnin' Up the Bedsheets' is a hilarious take on some of the most improbable sex positions imaginable. 

This sketch is known unofficially as 'Kissing Family'. Fred Armisen and Kristen Wiig play the parents to Bill Hader's college kid character who kiss each other just a little too much, which leads to groping, nibbling, and full on ogling. It's very gratuitous, but also very funny.