The Unthinkable Has Happened: I Was Wrong About Something

Keira Knightly and Aaron Taylor-Johnson fall in love against a surreal backdrop in Anna Karenina (2011)

Last year in July I wrote about my expectations for the soon to be released Anna Karenina (2011) directed by the renowned Joe Wright who's obsession with Keira Knightley knows no bounds. I said that as a Russian, who was made to read Anna Karenina as if it was gospel, I couldn't bare the thought of a theatrical shit show with her and Aaron Taylor-Johnson as the two principal leads.

Well I'm watching it today, and I have to say with utmost disgrace to myself and my intuition, that I was wrong, which I never am people. 

I was literally taken aback at how good this movie looked and felt.

But this was such an interesting take on the famous story and the writing was actually up to par with a 1 1/2 hour adaptation of a 600 page novel by Tolstoy, that's saying the obvious considering the adaptation was written by Tom Stoppard. Yes it was sappy, and missed a lot of the books subtext and essential themes, but it got the jist as best as it could, and for something so highly unadaptable as that book, that's a job well done. I think perhaps maybe I understood the script better (which had it's absurd moments) because I can recite the book verbatim. 

Alicia Vikander as Princess Katerina 'Kitty' Alexandrovna

What I was impressed most about was the supporting players. I loved Matthew McFayden as Stiva, and Alicia Vikander (keep an eye on her, she's going to be the next it-girl, mark my words) as Kitty, and of course Jude Law as the torn and embarrassed Karenin, he's absolutely brilliant and I have no idea who's genius idea it was to cast him because I think he understands the material better than anyone else. In most other adaptations Karenin is seen as the villain; the heartless brute who can't forgive and cares only about his own honor and his promises to god, but Law plays him so layered and enigmatic that you get a real sense he understands that Tolstoy wrote every character in Anna Karenina to be tortured and trapped by their own inabilities to compromise. 

My favorite adaptation remains the Vivien Leigh/Ralph Richardson one from 1948. There's a woman that could play Anna Karenina. Criterion bought it and it's on Hulu.

I'm really starting to sound like a substitute teacher at Russian Lit 101, so I'll finish by commenting on the aesthetic. I heard that the film was done in a strangely theatrical way because they literally didn't have the money to make it a full fledged film shot on location and with meticulous attention to detail to recreate Imperial Russia. And instead of half-assing it, Joe Wright decided to take a different route, making it more of a ballet (another Russian staple) and mostly symbolic, like a fairy tale, which is essentially what Anna Karenina is; an adult fairy tale. It's supposed to be dramatic, whimsical, magical and somewhere beyond this practical world, and I think the aesthetic used captures that. All I will say that I was right about was that yeah, Keira Knightly and Aaron Taylor Johnson do not do justice to the two main characters, too young to have a grasp of the gravity of the roles their playing, and it just sucks plain and simple.

Trailer below. 

Vivien Leigh as Anna Karenina (1948) 

The Most UnSexy Bio-Pic Portrayls and Who Should Have Been Cast Instead

I'm sorry, I'm still not over Lilo being cast as Elizabeth Taylor and now that I have to stomach driving past a mile-high billboard of her as Liz in down sunset and try to make breakfast from coming up, I'm going to give you some more examples of shitty casting in Hollywood obviously by idiots who have never seen a movie made with the subject of their respective bio-pic therefore resort to stunt casting in order to make desperate dollars off an unassuming public. Someone please start getting it right, it's getting ridiculous. There are only a few examples here, there are so many but I don't want to go too far back or spew my resentment all over the place, so I'm just leaving you with 6.

Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh in the upcoming bio-pic Hitchcock (2012). Dear Scarlett is not nearly as 'pointy' as Janet Leigh, and her voice is far too low. This is a good example of being-cast-for-your-rack-casting, I think this is an enormous misfire. No one is going to envision Janet Leigh with someone like Scar-Jo who shouldn't be doing ANY bio-pics.

Who Should Have Been Cast: Emma Stone. Not only does she look like Janet Leigh, I'm under the firm impression that Emma Stone can do anything.

 

Ben Affleck as George Reeves. This was just a hot mess in every direction. Hollywoodland (2006) was an awful film, mainly because Adrien Brody was in it, but Ben Affleck as the very first superman really crawled under my skin and planted a cancer in it.

If you could recast this today, this is basically an obvious choice, that is to hired Armie Hammer who is not only versatile and interesting, he also basically looks a lot like George Reeves, and he's reminiscent of 50's movie stardom much more than Ben Affleck who sadly is stagnant to his own time.

James Franco as James Dean. This was a misfire and a half. Rather than get to the iconic hypersexualized states of Dean, Franco (of course) sought out to bring about the intellectual 'serious actor' side of Dean, and lets face it, none of us were interested in that. The movie flopped, predictably. 

Who should be recast today? Aaron Taylor Johnson. I know that no one is interested in any more takes on James Dean, but I think this would be an interesting choice. They are about the same age, and let's face it, Aaron knows how to brood.

Sienna Miller as Edie Sedgwick. This never made sense to me and no one is a bigger Edie fan than I am. Aside from the film being poorly written and constructed, Miller was all wrong for the part. She was older, British, she didn't look anything like her or sound anything like her. You can only put pantyhose and thick black eye-liner on someone so much but it still looks like a cheap Halloween costume.

Ellen Page would have been perfect, she's definitely got that bulnerability factor, she's petite, and she looks a lot like Edie if you just tweek the hair and make up a bit. I think this would have been a far superior choice.

Just for shits and giggles lets do Sienna again in her role as Tippi Hedren in her performance in the new HBO film The Girl (2013) opposite Toby Jones as Alfred Hitchcock. Oy Vey. Again, what is the appeal here exactly, and has anyone ever seen Tippi Hedren? Seriously.

I think something as troubling as this HBO movie which is clearly riding the coattails of that other Hitchcock film I was telling you about would be vastly improved by the casting of Maggie Grace (you might remember her as that whiny bitch Shannon from the TV juggernaut Lost (2004-2010). But she could definitely encapsulate that icy-blonde persona of Tippi and really bring it full circle.

And let's cap this off with the casting decision that deeply affected all of us for the rest of our lives. The studio executives were clearly smoking something when they decided casting Lindsay Lohen, la trainwreck terrible as cinematic icon Elizabeth Taylor, and judging by the promo photos that have been coming out and that new ridiculous trailer for Liz and Dick (2012) it seems like it will indeed be a barf fest.

Who should have been cast instead? Isn't it obvious? Not only does Lilly Collins look almost identical to a young Elizabeth Taylor, she's right about the correct age. I mean Lindsay is the right age too but because of all the cocaine and drinking binges she looks about 45. Lilly aesthetically appeals as Elizabeth Taylor way more than anyone else, forget Lindsay for the moment, I mean she should be at the tippy top of the list. Hollywood execs seriously need to stop smoking crack. Period.

Below some trailers regarding this bullshit.

Watching Enough Oliver Stone Will Eventually Turn You Savage

'Is that soft core porn?' 'no, it's just Oliver Stone trying too hard.' 'oh well i'm sure it has the same low-quality shamelessness and sub-par performances'

What has Oliver Stone been doing to this country and the film industry for all these years if not pissing all over it? Like we needed any of his films to exists, honestly. Alexander (2004) was on BBC America the other day, and I was already not feeling too well and kind of down, after this was in the background for about an hour or so, I was ready to commit murder suicide. But don't think he's hanging up his alpha crazy hat just yet, even though he should have retired 20 years ago, because he's hired the youngest hottest actors in the biz to star in his new movie about pot-growers, cartels, and hot bitches in slutty bikinis. Nope, never seen that before. Thanks for the new outlook, Stone.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson is in there, you might remember him as the guy who played Kick Ass and young John Lennon before his cradle-robbing director, Sam Taylor-Wood hypnotized him and made him her sex slave...I mean they fell in love and got married, same dif. Then there's Taylor Kitsch from John Carter (2011) fame. Yawn. And of course, Serena Van Der Woodsen herself, Blake Lively as 'O' the ho-bag who's dating both of the men simultaneously, probably because of the free pot, and gets kidnapped by evil south-of-the-border cartels Benicio Del Toro and Salma Hayek. Can you predict what happens next? I'm going to say a few sensory-overload shootout sequences, lots of making out in the pool, and a graphic stab scene later, the heroes get the girl back, kill the cartel, and take over in Mexico. And one of them dies. Hopefully Taylor Kitsch.

Why I'm just a sweet little girl who's fucking two men at the same time. I never imagined I would be kidnapped because my two boyfriends pissed off a very hostile to begin with drug cartel. Tee hee.

The film is being marketed as a kind of millenial version of Natural Born Killers (1994) with the same degree of speed, violence, and blatant disregard for one's audience. So I'm expecting it to be just as obnoxious and un-sexy, but now with even more incessant noise. If there is a director out there, that is so obsessed with his films being 'sexy' and in the same breath is anything but, it would be Oliver Stone. There is not a film of his that exists that has ever turned me on no matter how gratuitous and graphic the fucking might be. It always comes off gross, and something I'd rather not have seen, and is always treated as a detrimental consequence for the characters involved. If there is one film I am not looking forward to seeing this year, and probably won't, because I want to spare myself the awkward shame of having to look the ticketing office in the face when I'm picking up a matinee for it, is Savages (2012). It looks like a cheap B-movie not even Verhoeven would touch, and now that I think about it, even though the plot is typically bland and predictable, if you gave this material to Verhoeven at least he might be able to do something interesting and campy with it. Alas, we are all stuck with yet another awful Oliver Stone film that we have to stomach, or at least sit through the TV spot every time we want to watch cute puppy videos on the youtubes. There it is, ruining our mood. Whomever is still putting up money for Oliver Stone to work in this town, please stop it. That well has been dry, not to mention insane for decades now.

Here's the trailer they've shoved down our throat for months.