I Finally Watched 30 Minutes of Gatsby and That Was Enough For Me

A view from above. One of Baz's (excuse me but actually, it's one of Busby Berkeley signature shots that he invented back in the 30's that Baz ripped off, but you know...) Don't choke on all that glitter.

Baz Luhrmann bless him, seems to believe that we as humans sitting in a darkened theater are so dulled and thick that they need to be assaulted by colors, music, and camera tricks to create such a high level of visual stimulus so that nothing competes. But what he seems to misunderstand is that when there's already an important, nay...iconic story, already articulated, which every movie-goer has by this time read or has had to read or are at least aware of you have to tread lightly and respect the original material. We get all of the parallels, symbolism, and themes attached to the story of Jay Gatsby even if we haven't read F. Scott Fitzgerald's American opus published back in the 20's about the disillusionment of a culture built on fame, money, and decadence, set in the sparkly aura of The Jazz Age.

Not for a minute did I believe this love story. Those two couldn't have had less chemistry if they were first cousins.

Luhrmann probably latched on to certain words and phrases in that first act, like 'decadence' 'collosal vitality' and 'so we beat on' and put them to literal translation. And, compared to his other work, it's like everything else. A lot of show, and a lot of melodrama, but no real performances, and all of the character arcs have to be shoved into our faces as if we don't get what exactly it is each character is going through. Everything serious and violent has to be done in slow motion, and everything glamorous and uplifting has to look like it was just found in David Bowie's closet and shot through a Sepia filter. It's like, step away from the computer, and read the book another time. But, I'm quite honestly not hating on Luhrmann, I think he's really trying but he's tragically misguided. It's like giving a 3 year old a camera, they don't know what the fuck it is or what to do with it. I think he desperately wants to be camp or even cult, but takes himself too seriously to ever achieve that. He's nowhere near as brilliant as someone like Paul Verhoeven who could adapt Gatsby for half this budget and do a better job. So Baz is floating somewhere in between the John Waters/Todd Haynes/Andy Warhol territory and the Ridley Scott/Michael Bay/James Cameron territory...trying to find his own voice and style, but it's just not one that fits into any kind of spectrum or genre, it's (just like his films) a big ol' mess.

Baz is like the George Lucas of his genre when it comes to actors, where he can take intense complex actors and just make them give the most boring two-dimensional performances of their careers.

The only person that I think gives any kind of performance (and you'll probably kill me for this) is actually Jay Gatsby himself; Leonardo DiCaprio. Though every time he said 'old sport' I cringed because he just couldn't get that to sound natural. He looked the part, he played the part, and he is the artifice through which we see the beginning, middle, and end of a golden age. And he plays all of those movements very well. I'll give him that...or rather to the best of his abilities. It's very hard for a performer like Leo to drown in abysmal material.

A still from Moulin Rouge, with the actors' wardrobe photoshopped so it would be appropriated for the right era.

But in the end, we don't watch Baz Luhrmann's films for the performances lets be honest we watch them so our heads will twirl around until our eyes bulg from their sockets and steam comes out our ears like an old Looney Tunes cartoon. Unfortunately Baz in all of his aesthetic genius couldn't grasp that there is an ironic edge to Gatsby, it's actually not about the glitz and glamour, it's about the tragedy of how putrid and unreal all of that is and the awakening to that; it's the death of a dream not the birth of it. The disillusionment of Neverland and acceptance and acquiessance to banal and bland 'real world' life. Sorry if that ruined Gatsby for you, but you should have fucking read it by now. PS. It is such a fucking cop-out to adapt a book with first person narration into a film with first-person narration, like seriously? We need the book read to us by the main character? That's why we...read the book. I want my 13 dollars back.

Subtitle: 'Ok, it's the 20's but pretend like you're at an LA nightclub in the now. Get her a vodka redbull'

Baz saves the last like 2 minutes to kinda pepper in some tragedy but it's conveyed through a teary-eyed, whiny Tobey Maguire trying his best to emote near a green screen, and feels reminiscent of like a child losing his favorite toy more than disillusionment of an entire era, as usual, it's pretty futile and devoid of any substance. And isn't that the ever-present problem with Baz? That he makes films that are all style and no substance? Give me an example to counter that I defy you.  First he had to ruin Shakespeare for all of us, and now he's taken on bringing down Fitzgerald. Who's next Baz? I'd love to see your adaptation of 'Naked Lunch', I just hope the ghost of Burroughs stabs you in the eye. For some reason I have a feeling he's been itching like hell to re-do 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. Can't wait to hear his bastardized version of Moon River. But for now, let's all sit quietly and wait for his new Kung-Fu epic. Heads are going to roll.

Trailer below (whirlwind of mehhhhhh)

The List Of Things I Learned From the Oscars

Seriously?

1. J-Law is either milking the awkward klutz thing for all it's worth or she's constantly drunk.
2. Benedict Cumberbatch is the shiznit because he had the balls to photobomb U2.
3. Amy Adams didn't go to college what a dumb bitch.
4. Liza Minelli put blue in her hair.
5. I. Love. Jared. Leto.
6. I've become attracted to him again.
7. He loves his mom and that turns me on.
8. I don't care if he didn't bother to brush his hair.
9. Damn it, I have to start listening to his crappy band now
10. Ellen Degeneres is boring
11. She had to resort to taking selfies and ordering pizza to keep the show from flopping
12. Leonardo DiCaprio REALLY hates losing.
13. John Travolta can't pronounce shit.
14. wait...there was a theme to the Oscars?
15. Jared Leto!!!!
16. Pharrell can get ANYONE to dance.
17. Woody Allen rumors ain't true.
18. Jennifer Lawrence is the new Kristen Stewart...she must be destroyed.
19. Bradley Cooper parades around his pedophilia like it's something to be proud of.
20. Christian Bale don't dance.
21. They stopped playing off long and boring acceptance speeches. They need to start doing that again.
22. If anyone ever says 'thank you for teaching me to dream' ever again I'm done with this show
23. They really skimped on the production design this year.
24. The Great Gatsby won 2 awards....da fuuuhhh?
25. White tuxedos have become acceptable to wear.
26. Kevin Spacey is sooooooo gay.
27. Benedict Cumberbatch kissed Angelina Jolie when 12 Years a Slave won. What a bitch.
28. Cate Blanchett deserves a standing O....always. Hashtag suck it.

Sexiest Films of 2012? (Academy Edition)

Chris Pratt and Joel Edgerton in Zero Dark Thirty (2012)

Alright rabbits, the academy award noms are soon to come in and it's going to be a nail biter to the bitter end. Just kidding, like we don't know exactly who's going to get nominated and who's not. Let's review the big five and then the wild card. Lincoln (Steven Spielberg), Les Miserables (Tom Hooper), Zero Dark Thirty (Katherine Bigelow), Silver Linings Playbook (David O. Russell) and Django Unchained (Quinten Tarantino), wild cards include Hyde Park on the Hudson (Roger Mitchell), Argo (Ben Affleck), and PT Anderson intellectual masturbation cornucopia The Master. Now, sans a few surprises and far-fetched nominations like Wes Anderson for Best Original Screenplay, we know that most of the nods are going to be for those five mainly. Now, we all know that the Oscars have no merit, are blindingly political, and as George C. Scott famously called them 'a meat parade', so let's quit with the bullshit and not get upset when the good ones get snubbed (like I'm sure Sarah Polley isn't going to get on any category list because she's been black balled by the industry even though she totally deserves at least a nomination, just saying) anyway! 

So let's just look at this meat parade just like we do every year, and examine who has the sexiest over all feel. We'll rate them on a scale based on three criteria; overall ensemble cast, sexual content and execution, and sex-appeal of the director. Now, we can just throw Lincoln right the fuck out, unless you're one of those sicko's that gets off on that kind of thing, meaning there was a time you also found Sally Field to be attractive, and well you just make me want to barf right here and now sir. Les Mis, I'm going to go ahead and discard as well, no matter how much I adore Hugh Jackman and keep fighting with myself as to whether or not he's gay which is half the fun of watching him in anything, but Anne Hathaway kills the sexy factor in any film and she does it every single time from Rachel Getting Married (2008) to The Dark Knight Rises (2012). Also, her upskirt shot was not for the sake of good old fashioned raunchy sex-for-sex-sake and made it holy undesirable and desperate for attention/nomination.

J-Law and B-Coo in Silver Linings Playbook (2012).

Silver Linings has a good chance at winning the Fuck-Oscar this year. With a cast that consists of Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence you've pretty much hit the fucking sexy as shit lottery. Also, I don't know why (of course I do, I'm kidding) but I've always found David O. to be really appealing, like I'd marry him for money and have some wicked kinky sex with him before I divorced him and took everything of value because he yelled and screamed too much and came really close to punching me...I'm getting way sidetracked. 

Dicaprio basically recycles his look from Gangs of New York (2002) for Django Unchained (2012)

So that leaves Django and Zero Dark Thirty. If you know me, you know how much unabashed love I have for Tarantino, and also can realize that that last comment was soaked in sarcasm. Even though Quinten makes any straight girl question her sexuality and consider lesbianism more seriously than she ever has before, having the coolest man in cooltown Jamie Foxx coupled with the Romeo/Jack Dawson does earn you some points. But surprise surprise, I'm giving it to Zero Dark Thirty this year. Katherine Bigelow is the hottest 60 year old this side of 60, and puts most 20-something's to shame, and Jessica Chastain is unbelievable. I mean she's seriously ridiculously beautiful, almost too much for her own good, and who doesn't have a red-head fetish? Also, let's take a look at the supporting players shall we? Chris Pratt, Mark Strong, Kyle Chandler, Joel Edgerton, not to mention my personal favorite and father of my future children I don't give a shit what you think; Edgar Ramirez. Just saying his name out loud makes my mouth fill up with saliva. I want to eat him. I would eat him, I would eat his hair, and lick his eye balls. That's what he does to me, and I know he's in the film for like 15 minutes, totally doesn't matter. 

Just for fun...Edgar!

So get up here, and accept your sex oscar Katherine, Jessica, and the rest of you. You didn't think we'd all get excited in our pants about the Bin Laden film did ya? Well, if you're perverted like me, you find it in everything. 

Cheers.

The Great Gatsby Now in 3D and Sensory Overload

Normally I don't do two blog posts in the same day, but since I'm having a pretty stressful one, and since I'm all out of klonopin, as you know, I sometimes blog out of frustration, which is exactly why I blog so frequently.

Anywho, the highly anticipated trailer for professional Australian Baz Luhrmann's shit show The Great Gatsby in 3D got rammed up our asses today, and I just don't know what to make of it.

So let's do a close analysis of the trailer shall we? Because with every Baz Luhrmann film, the trailer is far superior to the film.

First thing's first, we all know Leo DiCaprio is like 20 years too old to play Jay Gatsby, and just like in Moulin Rouge! (2001). They took massive creative liberties in the make-up and costume department, I mean Carey Mulligan looks like a two cent hooker on 42nd street in the 80's. But Baz was always an aesthetic nightmare. I definitely feel the need to smoke copious amounts of meth in order to appreciate one of his films before I pay the price of admission. 

Also, the music. I mean seriously? You have to be anachronistic in everything? Watch the Throne? Oh that's totally appropriate and I get why. Because this is a re-invisioning of the quintessential Jazz Age story for the 21st century, like you don't 're-invision for modern times' in every single film you've ever done. But whatever it's not like it's passe or anything, she wrote with heavy sarcasm. If you really want me to be wowed then give Kanye West and Jay-Z cameos in Gatsby, that would be pretty freakin' awesome.

Now let's just get to it, this is how it should be recast. Mulligan can stay, she looks like a slightly better Mia Farrow when she was that age, so fine. Gatsby is a Gosling role bar none. I mean really. You never considered that? Armie Hammer, there's a better suggestion too. And while we're on The Social Network bandwagon, anything Tobey Maguire can do, Andrew Garfield can do better. I think The Amazing Spiderman (2012) will prove that in due time. Anyway, here's the balls to the wall trailer. I'm not too blown away by it. Also, the title is missing some obsequious punctuation. Like '+' for Romeo + Juliet (1996) or an unnecessary exclamation point like in Moulin Rouge! (2001) (which is apparently meant to be yelled when mentioned verbally), so how about The Great Gatsby ;) It's just asinine enough to work. 

Here's the trailer.

My Titanic 3-D Wish List

Being able to have one of the ship's gargantuan propellers feel like it's falling right on your head, sure...that's fun. But I really hope (against hope) that our favorite village idiot James Cameron gives us more uuumf in the already awkwardly orchestrated anachronistic romance scenes aboard the Titanic.

1. I would love to see naked Kate Winslet (when she as 21) in 3-D. Make it happen Cameron.

2. When Leo's arm is pressed up against the glass (and it looks like a 13 year old girl's arm) I want it to be close enough for me to almost smell the sex sweat.

3. The corset tightening scenes could always do with a little 3-D.

4. Cal (Billy Zane) is pretty hot. I'd like to see more of him smoking disdainfully but right into my face.

5. Kate Winslet's boobs seem to always be heaving, as if they're trying to run away from her body because they know it's doomed. Explore those themes in 3-D.

6. The Titanic is a giant metaphor for a penis going flaccid after orgasm. In 3-D I want this to be more evident.

 7. Is there anyway to make Leonardo DiCaprio taller than Kate Winslet in 3-D? Because that always bothered me in the original.

8. Please make that last kiss before inevitable death more romantic and less creepy between the two main characters. Here's hoping you cut it out completely.

9. Leo's hair needs to be more flowy and carefree in 3-D.

10. Dear James Cameron: please direct a 3-D porn version starring James Deen and Tori Black. Sincerely, Vera Ryzhik

That's all I have for now. I'll think up more whilst I'm watching it I'm sure.

Below is the trailer:

AND BELOW: One of the best Titanic parodies that exists by my favorite comedy duo French & Saunders. The fully version is available on the youtubes. Enjoy!