Keira Knightley Butchers Yet Another Literary Classic

Is this the scene where she has an orgasm while fully clothed? Ahhh yes, I remember how Tolstoy wrote about it fondly.

You might guess that I'm pretty biased when it comes to adapting Russian literature for the screen which is almost always impossible to do, and especially when it takes place in the city I was born in, St. Petersburg. But nothing has yet been quite such a slap in the face until the new Anna Karenina (2012) trailer hit and I thought, 'wow, it's like Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette (2005) had sex with Across the Universe (2007) and had an abortion all over my face.

Let's start at the beginning because my list of grievances goes on forever so I'm going to try to make this as brief as I can. It's difficult for me to see anyone in the west adapt Russian literature, particularly one of the greatest books in Russian history because Russians like to write really really long books. 'Anna Karenina' is 8 volumes; each volume about 300 pages. So um...a 2-hour movie is just not going to cut it. Check that box, now moving on to the anorexic elephant in the room. 

Baroness Varvara Ivanovna Ikskul von Hildenbandt , whom it is said Anna Karenina is based on. Clearly there's a resemblance...not.

If there is an actress I despise more than Kristen Stewart, it's Keira Knightly. To me, everything she does is wrong and somehow cringe-worthy, to the point where it seems beyond ridiculous to even conceive of men killing each other to be with her. She always has that confused blow-fish look and I'm tired of counting the ribs in her mid-section. The director is Joe Wright, who is more or less obsessed with Keira, much like John Hughes was unhealthily enamored with Molly Ringwald. At some point you have to read the book and seriously consider who would be right for the part and who would stick out like sore ditz. No way does Keira have the psychological depth to play a tragic heroine on par with Anna Karenina, I wouldn't even cast her as Sophie. She needs to get her bony ass back to RADA and work on that Russian accent for a few more decades. 

I think this dress is from the Vera Wang bridal collection from last year. Also, not very excited about Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Vronsky. Please.

Speaking of, why is it she'll put on a Russian accent (and not a very good one) for the Cronenberg film, but for this one (where it really matters) eh...she'll just use her natural speaking voice. Bitch please. Every time she speaks in the trailer I'm sitting there thinking...yeah not buying it, and aren't you late for cheerleading practice? Just because you throw the prom queen into a period costume, doesn't mean she's going to pull it off, and even if she does, on behalf of my people I can say right now before the film is even released, we're not on board. 

Side note, please stop trying to squeeze Keira Knightly into corsets. Has she been in a film that doesn't require them since Bend it Like Beckham (2002)? (and aside from Atonement (2006)?) She's comically too thin for them. I think it's an aesthetic choice so that the audience gets the illusion that she's stacked. It's probably in her contract somewhere.

Here's the blasted trailer.