Edward and Bella make Vampire Babies for Tweens

I googled Twilight+sex and this is the picture they gave me. Lame.

OK seriously, what is it all about, Twi-hards? I'm actually asking. I'm very interested. Indulge my curiosity and explain why the sight of Edward Cullen with Summer Cranberry shade lipstick on, and massively styled unkempt hair wearing a woman's pea coat and emoting to the camera, breathing heavily, and snarling a lot has you hiccuping in your flowered lacy pink underpants?

Let me be honest, I watched the first Twilight (2008), in fact, I own it. I bought it when I was extremely hung over and feeling depressed along with an extra large order of chicken strips and a side of sour cream in my get-my-mind-off-things weekly package. It wasn't half bad. Sure, the whole time I was wondering who I would have cast instead of the horribly misguided choices Catherine Hardwicke and the nice people at Summit Entertainment and MTV Films made all across the board. But I really came into this whole thing as an objective novice, and now, no offense, I'm thinking about buying a gun. 

So I've been asking myself; am I missing something? Usually I can spot something sexual to write about in the most unlikely of places...example: 'The phallus symbol and castration theory of penguins in Happy Feet: the transgressive non-showing juxtaposed with the Anthony Weiner Scandal. Penguins and Anthony Weiner, you say impossible, I say nay! 

So I'm rather puzzled as to why the incendiary trifecta that is Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner have completely taken over and left everyone in the industry dead and bloody along the way. My only conclusion is that teenagers cannot nor should properly assess the labyrinthine craziness that is their raging hormones and exude it on the most unlikely subjects.

Teenagers have never been the end all be all judge in what is sexually appealing, especially teenage girls. They tend to judge based on a great deal of subconscious inhibitors which are understandable and forgivable, but I could not for the life of me understand exactly how they came to the conclusion that Edward Cullen was a fine piece of ass.

The characters themselves in each and every film grow more and more desperately anti-sexual to where it's laughable to consider that they even had appeal to begin with. There couldn't be less chemistry between those three if they were cartoons in a Tin Tin book. 

Therefore, can it be true? is anti-sexy sexy? Or maybe me being a grown up I require more adult man parts in my characters in order to be physically drawn to them. 

It's easy to see how much the executives at MTV Films desperately tried to make Twilight sexy and it blew up in their face, no pun intended. The aesthetic teetered between the stylized and the ridiculous. Considering before every take the costume designer on the film decided to shine Lautner up with an olive oil spritz, perk his nipples with ice cubes and took major scissors to his jeans.

And Cullen with his sultry lips and intimidating gaze, has about three lines in the whole film but who cares, because towards the end he dramatically rips off his shirt in slow motion like he's a parody fantasy sequence of himself in an SNL sketch. 

And let's not forget Bella with her nervous lip-biting, heavy exhaling, sad a-cups, and constant twitchy awkwardness. Was that ever sexy? I'm serious, even when we were teenagers, I don't think any dudes were jerking it to Debbie Downer. 

Here's what you should have done MTV Films: Henry Cavill as Cullen, Andrew Garfield as Jacob, and Felicity Jones as Bella. Boom! I just saved your franchise. 

But who cares if you're the critic's darling when your movie literally breaks the bank at the box office in every single unnecessary installment you shove down our throats every year? But this time it's different because we finally see them DOING IT! Really? Are you sure it's not going to be contrived and boring with stock sound effects of heavy panting and curtains and sheets flying about in a frenzy as the breeze gently blows the light from the candles just so we miss any graphic genitalia shots? It reminds me of that rule, I think it's from the show Friends, where if two actors are actually sleeping together in real life, then the sex on camera is going to be completely sans heat and intensity. Yeah, that was a given either way.
I think my main reason for being so unduly disappointed is that whilst watching through the first Twilight and half of the second one, I honestly expected it to turn into some kind of fetish classy soft core. It was so cheesy it seemed natural. Larry Flynt, if you're reading I implore you to do a version. I know how much you like to spoof what's hot in the now, and I don't think you'll find better material, who knows, R-Patz might be in to doing it himself. You could get Sasha Grey to do Bella, lure her in from early retirement. You really wouldn't have to re-do much, the film is already ripe for porn parody. I'd buy a ticket to that in a heartbeat. While I'll probably wait for Breaking Dawn parts I & II to come out on Netflix so I can enjoy them with a bottle of wine or six. 
It saddens me really, because the idea of Vampires is instantaneously sexual, it's a cinematic fetish, and to have it watered down and chewed up so clumsily and practically barfed out at an audience is really a shame. A little nuance and a better cast could have gone a long way.

Want to just skip the thing? Then read this hilarious Play-by-Play from Jezebel.

Play by Play of Breaking Dawn Part I