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Pretend to Have Sex With Someone Else

Team Meatballs May be DTF, But I Wouldn't.

The latest episode of television's greatest guilty pleasure Jersey Shore was titled 'Meatball Mashup' when it should have been called 'Vagina Overload'. Out of all of the difficult to watch episodes, it was indeed the most cringe-worthy. 

First of all, Team Meatballs is a self-coined terms by Deena Cortese and Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi because they're Italian, short, and juicy (i'm guessing). And if you don't by now know what DTF stands for then you should get off of your penny-farthing bicycle, wax off your handle-bar mustache, and start paying attention. If glorified senior citizen Cloris Leachman uses it, there's no excuse. 

Anyway, in the latest greasy bronzed adventure for the Shore crew, they head off to the scenic beaches of Riccioni in the Rimini province of Italy to find people to rub up against, and when they can't, they opt for each other, and not for underwear. Let me put it this way, when bona fide sexpot cast member J-Woww is playing mom, then you know the situation (no pun intended) is not a good one. 

Deena and Snooki decided to get shit-faced and drink enough shots to put down a small farm animal (situation normal) but then the scene turns really ugly (and graphic) when the two of them against their roommates' advice decided to take their sloshed sloppy asses sans underwear to the club for a blurry fuck-it-all night out. 

They somehow stumble home in time to get changed for the evening's festivities and show up at the club ready to scare everyone there into a vow of celibacy. It's a wonder how the two are even standing but manage to gyrate up against a glass wall (and seriously Riccioni, if you know the meatballs are coming to town take down all glass walls) and press their lady parts against it. At this point all of us are thanking god for MTV's little Jersey Shore logos that pop up in front of the girls when they accidentally flash their naughty bits, which was literally every few seconds this episode. Now, I thought this was all pretty hilarious at first a couple years ago, but now it's getting old, and just a little too gross. I can't handle all that vagina. It reminded me of that time during 2007 when nipple slips were out and crotch shots were in. Everyone from Lindsey Lohan to Britney Spears to crotch shot aficionado Paris Hilton were plastering  their vag's all over the pages of The Inquirer and Star Magazine. I again find myself thinking what I did 4 years back; 'I did not sign up to be a gynecologist', and seriously ladies, enough is enough. Underwear will always be chic. There are so many options, lace, satin, silk, thongs, bikini cuts, flowers, pink cotton, anything and everything under the sun. It's a beautiful thing. 

To sum up, in the immortal and wise words of J-Woww on that fateful night: 'dude, your vagina is out. you're giving everyone a free show, put it away'. Very simple.

The Evolution of Christopher Eccleston's Bare Ass

Does anyone else notice that Christopher Eccleston shows his bare ass in every film he's ever been in? literally ever single one? Ok not literally but it happens a lot. Actually I don't think it happens enough, I think it should happen literally in all of his films, and if it happened on Dr. Who, his would have been the most memorable incarnation easily. I bet he wanted to but the BBC wouldn't let him, lame. I just came to this realization and considering I have a long withstanding crush on the British actor it has been majorly impactful in my life. I feel that ass-acting should be in a category of it's own. It's so important to the whole scope and atmosphere of the story. And no one else has gotten it down to an art form more than Eccleston. His ass is almost as good an actor as he is, it definitely has a life of his own. I'm wondering if Eccleston is classically trained but his ass is more method. 

This is a handsome guy, who like the rest of us has aged over time, not necessarily as frighteningly as say Ralph Fiennes, but definitely looks his age (which is not even that old, 47). But it seems that his ass does not wither or wrinkle with age. He clearly has a copy of Buns of Steel, or sold his soul to the ass gods, because every time I see it, I feel blessed to live in such a world. Here, i present to you the artful and mesmerizing ass acting of Christopher Eccleston. If there were ass oscars he should have about 15 by now.  

Shallow Grave (1993)
Clenched, nervous, connoting that he is at a crossroads and is not able to handle the current situation he finds himself in. His ass conveys 'hey, i've had a really rough few weeks what with committing murder and covering it up and everything. Perhaps a nice long shower will sooth me'.

Jude (1996)
Relaxed, pensive, ready for whatever may come next including the demise of both himself and his lover (Kate Winslet) considering they are first cousins. His ass is unapologetic and proud in this scene. Come what may. 

Elizabeth (1998)
Ok I really really apologize for the quality of this photo, but you know it's only so long one can look for christopher eccleston's bare ass pics on the internet without feeling completely sorry for oneself so i just decided to take a photo of the youtube clip. Here, his ass connotes, I'm flexing because I'm big and strong and powerful and after I have sex with my girlfriend, I'm going to overthrow the queen and rule the British Empire. 

Lennon Naked (2010)
Here recreating the cover to John Lennon's and Yoko Ono's Two Virgins album cover. Even in his mid-40's his ass is tighter than I've ever seen it, good job Eccleston. Here, it's as if his ass is telling us, 'hey, i'm John freakin' Lennon' i can get naked if I want to. That's how I roll.' sweet. 

Spotlight on: Jessica Chastain

Chastain in blonde wig as Celia Foote

This beautiful young and smart actress with ginger hair and a million dollar smile came on the scene looking like Christina Hendrick's hypothetical younger sister, and let's face it, as it stands now, Gingers are in: with the formerly mentioned Mrs. Hendricks, Emma Stone, and Bryce Dallas Howard pioneering the road of fiery hair and fiery personalities it's a new brand of sexy that we can all get on board with. 

Jessica Chastain seemed to appear almost from nowhere. All of a sudden she's walking the red carpet at Cannes side by side with Tree of Life director Terrence Malick, in which she starred. Since then, she's been tapped for some of the most important projects in cinema right now; huge hit The Help, Ralph Fiennes' contemporary Shakespearian adaptation and directorial debut Coriolanus, as well as Al Pacino's docu-drama of Oscar Wilde's play 'Salome' titled Wilde Salome and playing Helen Mirren's younger incarnation in The Debt, all to be or already released this year. The girl is on fire right now, and her introduction into mainstream and serious cinema is a pretty solid one. 

She has a Meryl Streep quality; that of intrigue, beauty, and intellectualism that brings forward very nuanced and meticulous performances. And lets not forget that she's pretty much smokin'. 

She is introduced in The Help by two long, statuesque legs walking daintily across the pool side of her luxurious country  home, and a voice quiveringly yet sensually speaks on the telephone outside of frame. Then the camera pulls out and we see Chastain as quirky but troubled Celia Foote, sporting a loud bright yellow 60's two-peice and a Marilyn Monroe haircut and cat eye sunglasses. Later in the film, bright red lipstick, tight and low cut tops, and high heeled pumps accent her appeal as she plays the quintessential stock character of the 'dumb blonde' with a certain level of depth and sympathy. 

She is a very interesting presence on screen and I can totally understand why directors are fighting over her and why she's able to have so many releases in only one year coming out of a modest background of a few guest spots on TV shows. I don't think it will take much time for her to become a household name. She's well on her way to becoming the next Julia Roberts, and if she plays her cards right, the next Meryl Streep. She is a new brand of sexy that is currently very popular which is the intellectual sexy; a girl that is etherial, intelligent, and sensuous. Smart-Hot is back, and it's taking names. 

My Favorite Whores. Adding to Musto's List

In light of Michael Musto's blog post on September 1st for The Voice titled 'The Best Screen Hookers' which you can read here: 

The Best Screen Hookers in Cinema History
I'd like to add some that I think also deserve a place in fabulous cinematic sluthood.
Here's my list.

Constance Towers as Kelly in The Naked Kiss (Sam Fuller, 1964)

Elizabeth Berkeley as Nomi Malone in Showgirls (Paul Verhoeven, 1995)

Jennifer Jason-Leigh as Tralala in Last Exit to Brooklyn (Uli Edel, 1989)

Greta Garbo as Mata Hari in Mata Hari (George Fitzmaurice, 1931) 

Elizabeth Shue as Sera in Leaving Las Vegas (Mike Figgis, 1995) 

Ona Munson as Belle Watling in Gone With The Wind (Victor Fleming, 1939) 

Eartha Kitt as Anna Lucasta in Anna Lucasta (Arnold Laven, 1958)

Sasha Grey as Chelsea in The Girlfriend Experience (Stephen Soderbergh, 2007)

Kim Basinger as Lynne Bracken in L.A. Confidential (Curtis Hanson, 1997)

Eddra Gale as La Saraghina in 8 1/2 (Federico Fellini, 1963) 

Gena Rowlands as Jeannie Rapp in Faces (John Cassavetes, 1968)

A DANGEROUS METHOD - A DANGEROUS FILM

THERE IS A NEW TRAILER EXCLUSIVE ON ITUNES FOR THE UPCOMING CRONENBERG OPUS A DANGEROUS METHOD (2011) ABOUT THE FOREMOST NAME IN SEX, SIGMUND FREUD (VIGGO MORTENSEN) AND HIS LONG TIME COLLABORATOR, INSPIRATION, AND INFLUENCE CARL JUNG (MICHAEL FASSBENDER). IT'S CURRENTLY PLAYING AT THE VENICE FILM FESTIVAL AND WILL BE AT TORONTO NEXT MONTH. IT OPENS ON NOVEMBER 23RD OF THIS YEAR AND I FOR ONE CAN'T WAIT. WHY? IF THERE IS A CONTEMPORARY SEXUAL INFLUENCE ON THE CINEMA THAT IS SINCERE, UNINHIBITED, AND VIOLENT, IT'S CRONENBERG. I AM A HUGE HUGE FAN (THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING BUT ANYWAY) I BELIEVE THAT IF ANYONE CAN BIO PIC THE PERSONAL LIFE AND PROFESSIONAL PASSION  OF FREUD IT'S HIM. I HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN THE TWO MALE PRINCIPLE LEADS AS WELL, YOU REALLY CAN'T GO WRONG WITH FASSBENDER AND MORTENSEN (AND CRONENBERG AND MORTENSEN GO TOGETHER LIKE PEAS AND CARROTS THESE DAYS) THE ONLY THING I HAVE TROUBLE WITH PER SE IS THE CASTING OF KEIRA KNIGHTLY AS RUSSIAN BANANA SANDWICH AND FREUD PARAMOUR SABINA SPIELREIN. THIS COULD BE A MAKE OR BREAK PERFORMANCE FOR THE FILM, AND TRUTH BE TOLD...I'M NERVOUS. I HONESTLY DON'T THINK SHE PACKS ANY APPEAL SEXUAL OR OTHERWISE AND DON'T SEE HER AS ABLE TO CARRY THE ROLE, BUT YOU KNOW...WE'LL SEE.

STILL FROM A DANGEROUS METHOD.

ARTIST RENDITION OF NEUROLOGIST AND FREUD COLLABORATOR JEAN-MARTIN CHARCOT DEMONSTRATING HYPNOSIS ON A PATIENT. 

THIS IS A FILM I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR, FOR A WHILE NOW. I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS EXCITED SINCE THE FIRST TRAILER FOR THE SOCIAL NETWORK WAS RELEASED, AND I HOPE THIS WILL ALL DRIVE US BACK TO OUR BOOKSHELF TO PICK UP THAT OLD DUSTY COPY OF 'BEYOND THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE' THAT WE HAD TO READ IN HIGH SCHOOL AND IMAGINE THE SEXUAL APPEAL OF HANDLE BAR MUSTACHES. 

CRONENBERG IS A NAME SYNONYMOUS WITH THE IDEA OF CONFRONTING DIFFICULT AND CONTROVERSIAL MATERIAL AND HE DOESN'T SHOW ANY SIGNS OF TAKING IT EASY ANY TIME SOON, IN FACT, HE'S ACCELORATING AND NOW PUSHING 70 DOES NOT SEEM TO HAVE CRESTED. HE'S NOT SLOWING DOWN NOW THAT HE'S IN HIS GOLDEN YEARS, HE'S STILL AS INNOVATIVE AND UNCENSORED AS EVER, I DON'T DOUBT THAT A DANGEROUS METHOD WILL REITERATE THAT. LETS ALL GO SEE IT AND THEN GO GET HYPNOTIZED INTO ADMITTING REPRESSED SEXUAL MEMORIES! CHEERS.
A LINK TO THE TRAILER EXCLUSIVE:
A DANGEROUS METHOD ITUNES EXCLUSIVE

Red Hot Chili Peppers - 30 Years of Blood Sugar Sex...and Magic.

I'm going to veer off a little here into music videos; a format i've hardly touched since i started writing this blog, but i still think is incredibly important to the art of filth. In light of their new album release on August 29th, titled 'I'm With You', i'd like to focus some much needed praise on them. Lately Red Hot Chili Peppers have been playing ad-nauseum on my ipod and honestly i realized just how important they are, to both music and sex. Now, you might think i'm bias because i'm from California and here, the chili peppers are almost a religion. There are three things we can't live without over here 1. Priuses 2. Avocados and 3. The Chili Peppers. They are the quintessential California rock band, funky, unabashed, and innovative. They are to california what The Beatles are to the UK, and on par with them in my opinion.

They have been around for more than 30 years at this point, and have used the music video format to express themselves further than just the recording of their music can take them. Lest we forget, these are also the guys who stripped down completely for a rather memorable performance donning nothing but old tube socks around their family jewels. And man could they rock a tube sock like no one's business.

Energetic, photogenic (arguably), and unapologetic, this fab foursome has gone through it all, death of a band member, drug addiction, Woodstock '99, etc. and have come out legends. Not to mention they still have bodies that rival the average jocky 20-something and they are all by now pushing 40. Let's go down the line shall we?

There's the lead singer Anthony Kiedis, who hasn't sat still in 30 plus years, with a gorgeous head of long flowey black hair (which he's since chopped, but it still works) and lots of tribal tattoos with a voice so aggressive and yet sensitive. It's raw.

Then there's my personal favorite; Flea, bass player extraordinaire with pecks of steel, a very defined tooth gap, and limitless energy, slapping his instrument like a bitch that owes him money. Then there's John the guitarist; the dark one. Feminine, melancholy, and mysterious who almost got kicked out for his junk habit but bounced back beautifully. Then there's Chad; the Will Ferrel-looking guy behind the drum kit with cut off vests and back wards baseball hats. I don't really have much more to say about him.

Now, lets look at their accomplishments, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Grammy's and Platinum Records aside. They were the first to have a guy on guy kiss in a music video in 'Give it Away', they were the first to all perform in the buff, (i'm going to keep mentioning it until you google it fool) and gave us the timeless lyric 'what i got you gotta get it put it in you' (and i'm thinking, hey fellas, you don't have to tell me twice), anyway...for that Chili Peppers, we thank you, and speaking for myself, I want to have a crazy fucked up 5-way with all of them. I feel that one time would be enough to hold me over for the rest of my life.

There is so much the Chili Peppers should be commended for, and it's difficult to pick just one video to post with this entry, but after thinking about it for a while, the only one I can think of that best describes their trajectory, musical uniqueness, sexual spirit, and fabulous talent is 'Give it Away' from the aptly named album 'Blood Sugar Sex Magik' (1991). I for one hope they never stop making music...or not wearing shirts.
Their complete balls to the wall (no pun intended) approach to their music brought out an insane sexuality that brings all of their predecessors to a snoring halt.
They pack the appeal of every tight-panted 70's glam rocker and brought the fun. And whoever can bring the fun, and not be afraid to bring the fun, can hang out at my lunch table.

Note how Flea can position his bass between his legs. Awesome. 

Bird of Paradise (1932) & Dolores Del Rio

I got to watch a real gem the other day. Netflix is streaming on Instant iconic cinematic breakthrough film from the pre-code era titled Bird of Paradise (1932). It stars pretty boy and Hollywood home-body Joel McCrea and fiery curvy diva from Mexico and Orson Welles paramour, Dolores Del Rio. 

This film was directed by the aptly named renegade and true visionary King Vidor, who was along with C.B. Demille and D.W. Griffith a founding father in cinema form. Ok on to the exciting stuff...

The plot of this film could not be more campy: buff sailor gets rescued from a shark by a busty and flirty Polynesian island native lady and they fall in love. there are lots of dancing in front of the fire scenes, lots of natives tying up the protagonists, coconut milk drinking and spilling and nude swimming. It's pretty fabulous. Of course she's set to marry some other native prince character, but their love and loins keeps them from being torn apart. We all think of infamous pre-code nude swimming scenes to be from the Tarzan franchise with Johnny Weissmuller, but in fact they originated in Bird of Paradise. Of course rumors flew all over the place as they usually do about Dolores Del Rio wearing nothing but her shell necklace while filming the scenes in front of a large all-male crew, instead of the requisite beige body suit, but the lighting really does prevent even the most sharp-eyed viewer from making an educated guess. I believe it. 

The grande dame Del Rio at home in her pool in her later years, still looking confident, beautiful, and unbelievably sensual. 

Let's get this out of the way, the film is hugely chauvinistic. The sailor character of Johnny appears to constantly too sweaty, and about a lemon wedge away from a scurvy outbreak and with just the most disgusting things to say, that is to a contemporary audience such as: 'i'll teach you to run away from me' and 'oh you'd love civilization, you just don't know it yet'. 

Dolores' role as primitive and seductive Luanna, his love interest is none the less an empowering interpretation, even though she spends a lot of the film talking gibberish in a shrill high pitched voice and being far too excited about everything...oh and topless. Remember people, this is a pre-code film, even though it was the 30's they were still pretty raunchy. On the whole it is the precursor to such fine film classics like Blue Lagoon (1980) but the cinematic quality of it is on a grand and massive scale. The photography, and the scope are really phenomenal and even though it's very almost laughable with sardonic qualities, as a dirty film, it's one of the best, and definitely a trailblazer for a whole sub-genre for generations to come. I definitely recommend it. Also, just to bring the point home. Dolores Del Rio was a powerhouse. She was a cinematic treasure and perhaps one of the most overtly sexual presences on screen. Too much woman for many men and even Orson Welles. How many can we say that about? 

Seductress Pick: Mila Kunis

Pillow-lipped Ukranian import Mila Kunis has barely breached her late-20's and is already a beautifully formed seductress in the tradition of exotic pre-code era femme fatales and devious-eyed vamps. Her name already sounds like some awesomely filthy sex act (example: bro, i totally got mila kunised last night, it was out of this world.) but then, again, so does my name. But anyway, she's come a long way since her start back in the late 90's as the pretty but ridiculously annoying girl on That 70's Show to where she is now. In the middle of all that she had a period of what i like to call bring the 'I-would-rather' girl. This meaning that she wasn't the lead for quite a while but when juxtaposed to even the likes of Natalie Portman (Black Swan, 2010) and Kristen Bell (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 2008) you still found yourself for some reason thinking; 'hey, you know, i would rather do Mila Kunis in this movie, not sure why, but i prefer her'. Don't deny it, she won you over. 

But let's get one thing straight. When you were sitting at home back in 1998 after your last study hall period with a tube sock, a box of tissues, and a bottle of Johnson & Johnson watching That 70's Show, little did you know that the girl you were about to spank it to was FOURTEEN! So congrats Mila, you started your career as a seductress by making half the male population in the United States felons. Not a bad start. 

She fibbed to the producers and wrote on her paperwork that she was legally an adult which was apparently a pre-requisite of auditioning, and was spunky and fresh faced enough to get away with it. 

She kind of disappeared off the radar for a while afterwards, if in tangible form only, considering she for 10 years portrayed the very ironic role of Meg Griffin on Family Guy (which will always make her cool with me no matter what). 

She definitely had that hot chick/shrill voice thing down to a science, but as she grew up she seemed to tone it down, and by the time she reappeared opposite Jason Segel in FSM, she was the reincarnation of Dolores Del Rio, Bettie Page, and Theda Bera with perky boobs and a rad sense of humor. 

By now, everyone has taken notice and she's no longer a supporting player to other pretty girls, but is a seductress in her own right, and I believe she's earned it. Even though Friends With Benefits (2011) got pretty awful reviews, the chemistry between Kunis and Justin Timberlake is pretty obvious, and it proves that she can now hold her own as a romantic lead, even though she might need a bit more time refining her seductress skills. She's well on her way. Here's a hint as to why we should have seen this coming. Angelina Jolie played hot-mess junkie supermodel Gia Carangi back in 1996 in made-for-tv movie Gia. Guess who played her as a kid? There you go. 

What's really appealing about her is the elementary and simple mix of charm, beauty, and humor. It's been a triple threat since the dawn of time, and very few women are ever able to truly master it, those who do have been magical on screen, and I have a feeling that soon she'll be reflected upon in the same way. Good luck Mila. Na'sdrovya!

Furious Love: Stranger Than Fiction

So i've spent probably the best ten bucks of my life and bought Furious Love on iBooks. I'm reading it on a 5 inch screen by the pool everyday. I don't have time any other way. The pool is the only pleasure i allow myself once a day. Back on track. Let's see if you can guess who a book titled Furious Love could possibly be about? do I have to even give you three hints? Is there a couple in the 20th century, of the cinema, and of grand pop-culture status that could fit the description more perfectly than Dame Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton? Nope. Not ever. They were the absolute picture of furious love. Their passion for each other was as much sexual as it was violent. It was a volatile, explosive, and fascinating love story, and above all, it was indeed furious.

Of all the Hollywood odd-couples (Marilyn Monroe & Arthur Miller, Debbie Reynolds & Eddie Fischer, Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes etc) Taylor and Burton were indeed the most bizarre, and yet the most perfect for each other. But with two dominant personalities, and each with a considerable arsenal of raw talent and sexual magnetism, it was bound to implode on itself.

Shocking, that neither liked the other when they first met on the set of Cleopatra (1963); Burton being almost too hungover to even hold a sword, and Elizabeth complaining and crying illness every other day, each thought the other was an obnoxious prima donna. And, they weren't wrong. But then again, they were entitled.

I'm reading this exposé, and am absolutely amazed, astonished, and fascinated. You've never heard of such for lack of a better word...hutzpah. It's like one long continuous bloody bullfight without resolution but with such raw violence and prowess that you can't stop turning the page nor should you. It puts every couple that graces US Weekly these days to shame. Even Brad & Angelina seem like a snooze-fest standing next to these two.

Welsh heir apparent to Laurence Olivier with a booming voice, and overwhelming masculinity juxtaposed with perhaps the most perfect looking soft-skinned big-bozomed child-star turned sex-pot actress and their demise is a wonderful read. If you have time to read for pleasure, put this at the top of your list. And then watch Cleopatra, if you can get through all tedious 5 hours of it. Book end that with perhaps the best example of art-imitating-life Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (1966). Along with this book, you will be able to observe on screen the flourishing passion in the beginning of their relationship all the way to the catastrophic deterioration of it. Two people that lived on such a large scale were never going to go quietly, and they would play out everything supposedly private out in the public, and we as the public are all the richer and more fulfilled for it.