I did not make this brilliant poster art. I'm not creative enough.
We all cried our eyes out when Zayn quit One Direction seven months ago. I know I couldn't eat, sleep, or start a sentence without breaking into tears for weeks. It was worse than when Gerry left the Spice Girls...or when the Beatles broke up. I still can't even. I've lost all ability to even. We all know that the magic boy band formula calls for 5 as the magic number, and 4 is bullshit. Joey Justin Chris Jc and Lance. Nick Brian Kevin Howie and AJ. Niall Louis Harry Liam and ZAYN. For fuck's sake. You can't just ask me to cut off 1/5th of the magic formula, then it's not so magical anymore, think about it.
I feel like the world has gone crazy and I want off. Louis is pregnant, Zayn quit the group. What's next? Harry dates Taylor Swift? Wait, that already happened. Motherfuck. Just the name of the band suggest that no one is allowed to quit and stays there until the bitter end...much like the Pope. Wait, the last Pope quit didn't he. What is happening?
Oh to be that dude that has to photoshop Zayn out of group photos for a living.
Now what am I supposed to do with that lower back tattoo of the first cover art of 'Up All Night' with all of their names written in cursive underneath? Tattoo a 'no longer there' above 'Zayn'? No! I'm in enough pain as it is. I'm telling you, people. Prepare yourself for the worst. Louis is going to have a baby and probably going to have to quit next. Then I know Harry's going to cave because he's this close to his own record deal and is too young and shiny to pass that up. Then who have we got Niall and Liam, what is it going to be a Sonny and Cher kind of thing? One of them is going to have to learn a folk instrument and I'm not sticking around to watch either of them struggle with a ukulele. Clearly my entire life is flashing before my eyes, and I'm thinking the worst because that's how I'm programmed. But I can't see a functioning world without One Direction. Who else believes they're single-handedly responsibly for stimulating our economy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? ...Harry Styles for President? Too far? Yeah that's too far.
The male pop superstar recipe calls for 5 members, and 4 just doesn't taste as good.
But you know what America? We're a nation of survivors and we're going to make it through this. It's been 7 months, and just like someone in AA would i've been counting the days of how long I've gone without Zayn. I have my tough moments but I have a 1D sponsor that I can call and they'll come over and play 'The Story of My Life' at full volume while they force feed me cookie dough and everything returns to normal. And if retrospect if any of them was going to quit first (which is an inevitability in the boy band universe) I'm fine with it being Zayn. My holy trinity is Harry Louis and Niall. I think Niall's the Holy Ghost but I'm not sure. I think that the rest of the world agrees with me. Had it been Liam, there would be rioting. And let's be real, unlike BSB and 'N Sync, One Direction doesn't need 5 voices to harmonize. In case you hadn't lost ALL respect for me just yet, let me enlighten you. Justin is a lead tenor, JC is a high tenor, Chris is a counter tenor, Joey is a baritone and Lance Bass is all about the bass (lame puns rear their ugly head). Clearly they all studied opera because together those 5 voices make a beautiful harmony that hypnotizes girls in their teens to spend millions of their parents' money. I know One Direction can sing, but they're not as chemically inclined as the rest, put it that way if that makes sense. Ok fine, THEY CAN'T SING. Do I care?? Does anyone? What I'm saying is that since the release of their first single since Zayn's departure I can't tell the difference. Sounds the same. I just miss his face. I'd grown so accustomed to it (musical theater reference, what.)
Below, videos from the good ol' days. I can barely bring myself to watch their new videos, not only because I can't in public for fear of being ostracized by society but because my heart still hasn't recovered from the loss.
No preface, just inspired by the 'I'm That Jew' slam poetry super cut. As OITNB's Cindy said 'It feels good to be chosen'. PS. I omitted iconic members of my tribe like Spielberg, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jonah Hill, etc. I just don't have that much time. Pouring out a glass of Manischewitz for my homies...
That Tattoo'd and Can't Be Buried in a Jewish Cemetery Jew...
Adam Levine
The My Mother is Jewish Therefore I'm Jewish Jew...
James Franco
That Really Annoying Giggly Jew...
Natalie Portman
That Hotter Beyond All Reason Jew...
Mila Kunis
That Bad Boy Jew...
Sean Penn
That Original Bad Boy Jew...
Robert Downey Jr.
That Giggles and Ha-Ha's Jew...
Andy Samberg
That Still Funny After All This Time Jew...
David Schwimmer (Pivot!)
That Uber Nerd Jew...
Jesse Eisenberg
That Head of a Reality TV Empire Jew...
Andy Cohen
That All Too Jewish Looking Jew...
Adrien Brody
That Not Jewish Looking At All Jew...
Alicia Silverstone
That Still Hot For Nearly 50 Jew...
Sarah Silverman
That Still Hot and In His 60's Jew...
Jeff Goldblum (Life uh uh...finds a way. And, you're welcome)
That British Jew...
Daniel Radcliffe
That Other British Jew...
Andrew Garfield
That Voice of a Generation Jew...
Amy Schumer
That He Grew Up Nice Jew...
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
That Gone All Too Soon Jew...
Amy Winehouse
That Hot for Four Decades Jew...
Jennifer Connelly
That Soviet Defector Russian Jew...
Sergey Brin (Holla! ...or Challah!)
That OG Hot Jew...
Dustin Hoffman
That Get Your Hands Off Him That's My Husband Jew...
Joaquin Phoenix
That Get Your Hands Off Her That's My Wife Jew...
Rashida Jones
That I Did It All For America Jew...
Evan Lysacek
That No I Will Not Quaf My Jew-Fro Jew...
Slash
That Hug It Out Bitch Jew...
Jeremy Piven
That Somewhat Menacing Jew...
Jake Gylenhaal
That One Jew to Rule Them All Jew...
That Reason For Your Sexual Awakening Jew...
The My Mom Made Me Include Him On This List Jew...
Seth Rogen
That Seth Rogen's Best Friend and Perfect Jew Jew...
Well ladies and gents. I've reached 400. My god what have I done with my life? I started his blog in 2010, and have finally gotten to 400. I consider that a feat, I don't care. I'm very proud of my blog and can't believe it's been 5 years and 400 posts. I've written probably about 7 pieces on Marilyn Monroe, about as many on Edie Sedgwick, Orson Welles, Spring Breakers, Downton Abbey...and then it came to me. Ask yourself...who whether you like it or not is a living icon that our generation grew up on? Who is perhaps the most photographed person right now? And who is instantly recognizable in their work, look, or sound? Let's spare anymore suspense....It's Britney, bitch.
For my 400th I thought the best thing to do was to give you the ultimate countdown of her best music videos. She's had quite a lot of them, and not all made the cut. But every single one is special in its own way and molded the persona, career, and immortality of perhaps our generation's most recognizable figure. Recently she received one of those 'Lifetime achievement awards' at the VMA's (not sure what they call it) Video Vanguard, that's it. It was given to her by Lady Gaga and a tribute of her greatest moments was performed. Love her, hate her, or simply don't care, you can't not acknowledge that she is now synonymous with pop culture. We've watched her grow from a teeny-bopper school girl, into a villainous sex-pot, watched her self-destruct, and rise from the ashes like the Phoenix that she is. If you're my age, it's hard to remember a time when Britney wasn't part of our lives, and I think all of us are surprised that she's lasted this long. Homegirl might not have the voice of Whitney Houston, the versatility of Madonna, or the creative bravado or Lady Gaga, but there's no question that she's earned her place not only in the music industry, but in iconography. This is mainly due to her music videos so let's start the countdown shall we?
10. Piece of Me (2007)
At #10, we have Piece of Me.
This is perhaps her most blatant fuck-you to the media that’s haunted her for
most of her life. Every single lyric says it all. ‘I’m Mrs. She’s to thick now
she’s too thin’, ‘I’m Mrs. Oh my god that Britney’s shameless’ …’you want a
piece of me?’. The video is simple enough. It’s her barely dancing against
bright colorful flashing lights, and every once in a while cuts to her doing
something that she became notorious for doing; partying and having it show up
on a newspaper. It’s a very unapologetic message. Someone once compared her to
the female Elvis. No, she’s not as talented as him, it’s meant in the way that
no one was ever that famous and thrust into the blinding glare of the media
spotlight basically all the livelong day. I can see why she had a meltdown
eventually. And with this song she’s not saying ‘poor me, leave me alone’.
She’s saying, ‘come and get it, bitch’.
9. Everytime (2004)
This is perhaps the video that I
still struggle with but I had to include it if for no better reason than that
the song is sung by a cornrowed James Franco in one of my favorite films ever; Spring Breakers. I swear every time the
song ends I hear Franco’s voice in my head whisper ‘Spring Breaaaaak’. It
literally doesn’t make any sense, but the song is very pretty. It’s one of the
few ballads that Britney’s ever done, and it’s the best one. In the video she’s
in a hospital, then she’s arguing with a boyfriend (played comically enough by
Stephen Dorff), then she’s dead, then she’s in a bathtub. I don’t get it. I
really don’t. It kind of looks like a really bad student film, but Britney
makes it come together. The imagery matches the tone and the lilting lyrics of
the song. She get’s my approval…as does James Franco. Sometimes I think I
prefer his version more.
This is the first collaboration
with director Joseph Kahn. It’s somewhat non-linear and weird, but the
choreography makes up for it. She’s in some kind of spinning room like the
restaurant at the Marriott in Times Square…then she’s driving a car over a
collapsed highway in the rain, but the best part of course is her dance with a
moving chair. That was very Gene Kelly/Fred Astaire of her, and totally blew my mind. Also, if you listen to the lyrics, it’s about a lot of
fluff obviously, but it’s very deliberately contradicting her former attitude
towards men. When in Baby…One More Time there’s the line ‘my loneliness is
killing me’ in Stronger the lyric goes ‘my loneliness ain’t killing me no
more’. Heavy right? She’s a poet.
6. Womanizer (2008)
I love Womanizer. It was the
first single from Circus, and had announced to the world; Hey everyone, I’m not
batshit anymore…and I have hair again. It’s basically a Toxic Part II, but
steamier. Instead of writhing around on the floor in a nude glitter suit, she’s
again, in a sauna, completely naked narrating the story of a woman who stalks
her cheating boyfriend by (again) having three incarnations. The song is
actually brilliant when you think about it. The chorus is unique in how
repetitive and fast it is, and this video displays Britney’s confidence better
than any other. She’s playing by her own rules now people, don’t be the unlucky
one that gets in her way.
5. ...Baby One More Time (1999)
Ah the video that started it all.
I know considering its significance it should probably be number 1, but as a
video it’s not as strong as some of the others; and that is exactly the essence
of Britney. When this single and the video hit, people were asking themselves;
how does a pop star possibly top that? She did. Many a time. But let’s go back.
Turns out the concept was all Britney’s idea. The director wanted some kind of
cartoonish thing, but Britney suggested that they set it in a school and donned
the now iconic schoolgirl uniform to dance to some of the most 90’s choreography
ever. Ironically, the whole wardrobe for everyone in the video was bought at
K-Mart. It appealed to that very evil thing in men where you dress like a slut
but tell people you’re a virgin. She had the little girl bangs, the falsetto
out-of-breath voice, and the goddamn pigtails and announced her arrival in a
very ballsy way.
4. Circus (2008)
Circus is just a very well
directed video. Off of her album…Circus, it’s set in a…circus. It’s funny how Christina
Aguilera always seems to be on the music video heels of Britney because after
this video dropped, Christina’s Hurt premiered, and it was also set in a
circus. Not to mention that Christina’s infamous fuckfest orgy video for Dirrty hit about 2 months after I’m a Slave 4 U and even though it was
blatantly more sexual, I remember thinking; ‘Britney did it better’. Anyway,
Britney was fresh from her very public meltdown and wanted to prove that she
was still at the top of her game. She looked amazing, playing a ringmaster, and
the choreography was a break from what we’d usually seen her do. It was much
more complex and advanced, proving to everyone that this bitch can dance.
3. I'm a Slave 4 U (2001)
Perhaps Britney’s sexiest video
and maybe one of the sexiest videos of all time. Britney was no longer the
school girl with a midriff that won’t quit. Donning leather low-riders and a
few pieces of bright pink fabric to cover her boobs, the video puts her in a
giant sauna of some kind. Everyone is sweaty as fuck, and just has to dance
damn it. Some costume genius decided to spray Britney with olive oil in between
takes so she always looks like she’s dripping in sweat, and what’s sexier than
that? The heavy panting probably. I remember watching it for the first time and
being ‘Woah, what happened to innocent school girl Britney?’ This was her
loudest transition into her sex-pot persona. She played this up by performing
the song at that year’s VMA’s with a live giant python wrapped around her. It’s
considered to be one of the best and most significant performances of that
show’s history.
2. Oops!...I Did It Again (2000)
I’m sorry but I love this song
and the video, albeit totally weird, it is hilarious and infectiously catchy just
like the song. After ...Baby One More Time, everyone thought; well she’s cool and
of the times, but who knows if she has staying power? When Oops!…I Did it Again
dropped, coupled with a solid video, people realized Britney was here to stay.
In her red cat suit, and that ridiculous choreography she became an icon before
our very eyes. More than anything, it’s just fun, and even if you hated it, you
really loved it and rock out to it when the windows are rolled up. And admit
it, you can do the dance too.
1. Toxic (2003)
Did you really not see this coming? Toxic is not only her best video
but her best song. It was the first conscious
break from the bubble-gum pop era of Britney and the first single off her 4th
album ‘In the Zone’. She teamed up with avant-garde video director Joseph Kahn again, who previously worked with the likes of Eminem, Moby, Christina Aguilera, and
TLC. It’s the first of her videos to tell a cohesive (albeit highly surreal and
hyper-visualized) story that involves an angry beauty seeking revenge on a man that
wronged her and eventually killing him. Britney has three significant
incarnations that not only make her look unbelievable, but helped disguise her in her
quest. Tyson makes a cameo as her motorcycle driver, and of course there’s that
nude suit with glitter on it barely concealing well anything in the video. The song style
borrows heavily from the music of the 70’s, particularly ABBA and was an
instant hit. The video is just as iconic, and signified that Britney was
growing up.
Now rock out like there's no one there to judge you.
Below, that Video Vanguard thing I was talking about.
There are a select few people in
film that I can say are flawless, and even less that I can say I admire to no
end. One of these lucky people (were he alive I’m sure he’d be so flattered to
hear that) is Orson Welles. On the anniversary of his infamous 'War of the
Worlds' broadcast, I’d just like to pay homage to him with a blog post (again,
he’d be overwhelmed with flattery) about three of the most significant things
he ever did.
When he first came to Hollywood
they nicknamed him the ‘wiz kid’, the ‘boy genius’. At 24 he had already
conquered the fields of theater, radio, what was left for him to tackle but
film? Ironically, considering his freshman effort Citizen Kane is considered to
be the greatest film of all time, Orson famously said that he doesn’t even like
films and doesn’t see many of them. It just so happens that he was such a genius
that whatever he touched he not only succeeded in, but became the master of.
He came to Hollywood with a beard
and a ‘fuck you’ attitude that infuriated everyone, especially when they
learned that he refused to play by their rigid rules. He was the youngest
person in history at that time to have a do-whatever-you-want contract with
RKO. This was unheard of. Imagine, a studio with thousands of employees and a
solid reputation are entrusting everything to this kid who’s never made a film
in his life. They banked on the right horse. But as you’ll see, it came with a
very serious backlash, for the studio and their golden boy.
As I said, I think there are
three significant points in his life that changed it and the world as we know
it. All of them happened before he celebrated his 25th birthday. Do
you feel like a failure yet? Anyway, here they are.
Enormous crowd outside the Lafayette theater on the opening night of Macbeth.
First there’s the ‘Voodoo
Macbeth’. Quick and term-paper like backstory. In the midst of the great
depression, FDR signed for a program called the WPA (Works Progress
Administration), to help people find work. A fraction of which went to the
arts; particularly the FPA (Federal Theater Project). Orson saw a chance, and
at 19 went to Harlem to audition many African American actors
to read Shakespeare, the majority of which had never even been on a stage
before. But with Welles directing them, he made what’s known in
theater circles as one of the greatest theater productions of Shakespeare ever
made. That’s ever. It opened before he turned 20. One critic described it as
‘chaos, but very carefully contrived chaos’. Clips of it actually exist and I
believe you can youtube them. Somehow, this kid who had never directed anything
outside of school could get non-actors to recite the words of Shakespeare like
they’d been preparing for this performance their whole lives. After that I
don’t have to tell you he was the shining star of the FPA. He went on to direct Julius Caesar, which was more critically and commercially successful
than the Voodoo Macbeth, but I think that considering the circumstances, the
Voodoo Macbeth is definitely one of his greatest achievements. There are some
actors from it that are still alive and when interviewed, are still astounded by
what they experiences in working with Welles. Not only did it generate
publicity for Welles and give hundreds of out-of-work African Americans jobs,
it put a spotlight on the FPA and the importance of the arts even in the midst
of a depression. If only we could see that now and not nix arts first when we
run short of cash in classrooms.
Seriously, the whole play was recorded. The sound kind of sucks and picture quality is sub par, but the content is worth it.
The second was a year later.
20-year-old Welles was already an established radio actor with that baritone
bellowing voice. He was so popular that he actually hired an ambulance to drive
him around New York City so he could make it to every recording no matter where
because he figured out that there was no law that said you had to be sick to
travel in an ambulance.He finally
decided to take this a step further. As a child, he loved magic, and was a
skilled illusionist. Now, he was ready to drop his biggest magic trick on the
world. He chose the classic H. G. Welles story 'War of the Worlds' as his
source material, he decided that he would broadcast it, with all of the
showmanship and drama that only Welles could manufacture. He did not broadcast
a disclaimer before it saying ‘this is just a reenactment’, but went full force
with the story, landing his Martians right in the middle of America’s
dinnertime. He knew that the most popular radio show at the time was one that
would cut away to some commercial every now and then, and used those intervals
when people were changing the station to put the whole nation into a state of
panic. He stood in the middle of his radio actors with a long conductor’s stick
and cued everything with the precision of a surgeon. If you listen to the
broadcast (you can buy it on iTunes), it’s unbelievable. You can’t blame anyone
for actually buying the fact that they were being invaded by aliens and the
world is in a full on panic. He plays a newscaster that narrates a horror he
sees in front of him with people screaming in the background. ‘People are
flocking to the East River, thousands of them’ he would report as the chaos
continued and just when it reached its zenith, he went silent.
The infamous pause that Welles held, and everyone in the studio as well as across the country held their breath.
Everyone was
literally glued to their radios at that point because they thought that the
broadcast had been discontinued and the employees eaten by Martians. People who
participated in this broadcast remember the image of Orson standing there with
both hands in the air, holding that silent pause as long as he could. Even they
were relieved when he finally started speaking again. Welles later said of the
incident that ‘most people would have been thrown in jail for that, and I got a
Hollywood contract’. After the truth came out, and Welles had a press
conference where he played dumb saying that he had no idea that the nation was
taking the broadcast seriously, everyone in Hollywood understood that this is a
man who could put on a serious show and get everyone’s attention. With two
amazing achievements under his belt, his next logical step was to conquer the
movie world.
Welles directing Kane, smoking a pipe which Hollywood also inexplicably hated.
Ergo his third greatest
achievement. At 23, he arrived in Hollywood with a contract that no one had
ever heard of; total creative license and access to whatever he wanted.
Hollywood vets like John ford and Cecil B. Demille hadn’t ever seen such
leeway, and they gave it to a kid who’d never made a movie in his
life. Fortunately for him, he had a lot of help. A wealth of seasoned
professionals helped this cinema neophyte create what we now consider to be the
greatest film of all time; Citizen Kane (1941). Gregg Toland came into Welles’
office one day, plopped his Oscar down on his desk and said that he would be
honored to photograph the picture. His childhood friend Joseph Cotton was
already a respectable actor when he was cast as Kane’s best friend Jedediah
Leland, but there was no question who would play Kane himself. At that time,
Welles began hanging out with renowned screenwriter Herman Mankiewicz; a
talented, shrewd writer with a huge alcohol problem.
To achieve those iconic low angle shots that accentuated the figure in the frame as being incomprehensibly tall and powerful, Welles and cinematographer Gregg Toland tore up the floor of the set and mounted the camera in the hole.
During one of their
drinking binges, Mankiewiecz spilled the beans about his frequent trips to San
Simeon. San Simeon was the home of newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst. It
was literally a castle; the property on which it sat (also owned by Hearst) was
half the size of Rhode Island. There was a veritable plethora of juicy gossip
Mankiewicz disclosed to Welles and a light bulb went off in his head. After sitting
on his ass in the hot California sun for months at that point, Welles finally
figured out what the boy genius would do for his first film. He’d make the
story about a gargantuan figure; the embodiment of the American dream; a man
who has everything, except a soul. He was smart enough to thinly veil the story
by giving his main character a different name and setting the castle in Florida
instead of in San Luis Obispo where San Simeon was, but that was basically all
he changed. You’ve seen the film probably so I’m not going to get into plot or
anything…if you haven’t my god what’s wrong with you? Anyway, what happened in
the aftermath was something not even Welles could run from. Gossip columnist
and devoted slave of Hearst, Louella Parsons, demanded an early screening and was livid by the
end of it. She immediately told Hearst that it was all about him and painted
him as a bitter old lunatic, alone and alienated in his giant palace full of
‘stuff’. But what really stuck in Hearst’s craw was the depiction of his then
mistress, later wife actress Marion Davies, whom they painted as a gold digger
and a whiney floozy; a party girl without much of a brain. Hearst knew how much
power he had and showed up in every studio head’s office with a thick folder of
scandalous news that he had kept out of his papers as a favor, threatening to
reveal all of it if they dared release Citizen Kane. He wanted every single
print burned, and the studio heads had a meeting where the general consensus
was to comply with Hearst’s demands. After all, they didn’t want orgies,
hit-and-run accidents, and the fact that they were all Jewish to come out. That
last part isn’t even a joke. Hearst literally threatened to expose that fact,
which apparently back then wouldn’t be so great. Oh the blatant racism of those
times.
Hearst and Marion Davies at one of their many costume parties at San Simeon. Apparently if you were a movie star and invited up there and didn't go, the order would go out, and your name was kept out of every Hearst paper. Enjoy this ridiculous party, I command you!
It was 1940 and Europe was
engulfed in the Second World War. With Hitler and the Nazi party being the
constant diet of the newspapers, Welles used this to counter their decision. He
made the argument that at a time where there is no freedom of speech and
blatant persecution of races, religions, and political groups in
Europe, that they couldn’t possibly do the same thing in America. After all, we
stand for something…even the studio heads. They couldn’t deny he was right and
RKO released the film in 1941. The critics loved it, the public loved it, but
it didn’t matter. Hollywood still hated and resented Welles for being so
arrogant (considering he had total license to be) and the film was completely overlooked. It had a regular run in theaters and really didn’t gross that much.
At the Academy Awards that year it won only one Oscar for Best Original
Screenplay, which was really an award for Mankiewicz even though it was shared
with Welles. It wasn’t until Andrew Sarris and other critics, particularly from
Cahier du Cinema and the general French New Wave, started mentioning it as their
favorite film that it became relevant again and now we all know it to be that
really amazing film that we just haven’t gotten around to seeing because it’s black
and white, long, and dated. Fuck you, watch it.
Well there’s the three. After
that, Welles’ career became somewhat of a black hole. No one wanted to neither
hire nor work with him. His ego preceded him and everyone basically said;
‘thanks but no thanks’. By the time he was 30, he looked about 50, was about
100 pounds overweight, and totally box-office poison. He had played by his own
rules his whole life, and everyone allowed it, everyone except Hollywood. Then
and still, they have a ‘it’s my way or the highway’ sensibility. And Orson chose
the latter. He died miserable and alone, because being Orson Welles, he couldn’t
even make a marriage work considering that in his life, it was always Orson Welles who came first. But that doesn’t matter. Even though the majority of his life
was a decline, this is a man who had accomplished things we can only dream of
doing perhaps once in our lifetime. He did 3 before he was old enough to rent a car.
The legacy he left behind remembers that. We didn’t hear much about Welles
after he turned 30, because we remember him as that ‘boy genius’ that turned
everything he touched into gold. Yeah he was difficult, yeah he was
self-obsessed, yeah he was probably an asshole…but above all, he was
perhaps the greatest genius of the 20th century; a renaissance man
who could take on anything, except his own demons. In my life, I don’t think
anyone has influenced me more than Welles. He didn’t set any new standards
because his standards are totally unachievable. But he did gift us with his
talent, which is literally incomparable, and even 70 years after his golden
age, there has been no one that has come anywhere close.
