Not to blow my own horn or anything, but I do know quite a bit about fashion, so please trust that I know what I'm talking about here and stop listening to Kelly Osbourne. There were some serious winners and losers, and for me, there are a lot of things people got wrong. Here are my two cents. And as always, please take them as the holy gospel.
Well start with the BEST:
Aubrey Plaza in Marios Schwab. Yes, this is on my BEST DRESSED list, in fact it tops it. For all you haters out there, not only is Aubrey a quirky girl, but this dress is unique and mature and a huge fashion risk. I admire a risk taker, though the accessories are weird I'll give you that. It reminds me of that black and lace Alexander McQueen number Gwyneth Paltrow wore to the Oscars in 2000. Only difference is she couldn't even pull off a McQueen with the perfect body she has, but Aubrey with this pseudo-goth look is showing a grown up side of her querk. Bravo lady, I stand with you.
Sarah Hyland in Carolina Herrera. Talk about all grown up. Ironically Carolina Herrera is usually the go-to designer for Hyand's co-star on Modern Family (Sofia Vergara) but with the dark lipstick and the black lace, she's channeling a somewhat Deco darker side of the designer that Sophia would never dare to venture. Good job girlfriend.
Kerry Washington in Marchesa. Marchesa looks wonderful on everybody. She's kind of like the safety net of fashion on the red carpet. I love Scandal and I love Kerry Washington on it. I mean it's like clothes were basically sewn unto her. She usually looks fabulous in anything, and though a bit too floral, she pulls this one off. She looks radiant.
Linda Cardellini in Donna Karan. It's hard to forget Sarah Marshall in this. This fucia Donna Karan is above and beyond and yet it's subtle. It reminds me of that crazy Marchesa gown that Vera Farmiga wore to the Oscars when Up in the Air (2009) was nominated but a much more grown up, aesthetically complex and pleasing to the eye.
Taylor Schilling in Thakoon. I've personally never heard of this designer but the empire waste, high front slit, and simplicity of the gown all work very well accented by minimalist gold jewelery. I'll say it again, blondes look great in white. What more is there?
Kaley Cuoco in Vera Wang. Vera Wang usually does not do such complex numbers nor have I ever seen her do boning for a corset but this beet red gown is just so classy without being burlesque or desperate for attention, I have to give her major props. I love that she decided to minimalize the accessories as well because the dress stands perfectly on its own.
Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang. I tire of red dresses that match the red carpet and am way tired of mermaid dresses as well, not to mention I don't particularly like Sofia Vergara, but she ends up on my best dressed lists all the time...like all of them. You know why? Because she knows what looks good on her, has a body that won't quit, and makes it work bitches.
Zooey Deschanel in J. Mendel. Yay! J. Mendel made it to the red carpet! Yay! Zooey isn't wearing poofy tutu dresses anymore! Yay! She looks mature and amazing in a silvery light blue silk gown! Yay! She looks like the grown up woman that she is! Yay! The world is a better place.
Now on to the fun stuff...it's time for the hideous monstrosities that made my eyes water and my belly ache with disappointment and nausea. Yes, it's time for the WORST.
Lena Dunham in Prada. Did you really think I would ignore this or not start there. What the fuck is this thing? It looks like a giant version of something in Zooey's closet from 5 years ago. Prada made this? Are you serious? And then they put it on slouchy Lena Dunham? Who's running the ship over there because it's about to hit some serious rocks. It looks like a table-cloth from the 50's. It's unflattering. It's beyond poorly tailored. It hurts me to even keep going on about it. So I'm stopping.
Heidi Klum in Versace. Heidi, you're a professional model, you're the executive producer of Project Runway. What the fuck are you thinking? You look like a wardrobe reject from Luc Besson's The Fifth Element (1997), This metallic, sequined, blood-red, fake-collared gown looks like it belongs in one of the Underworld sequels.
Amanda Peet in Erdem. Oh dear god what happened here? Did two dress cousins have the worst sex ever and give birth to a retarded dress that Amanda Peet totally thought was chic under the influence of ambien and vodka. There's no logic to this dress, so why try to find logic in her reason for Amanda giving herself the worst make-under I've ever seen, on purpose!
Zosia Mamet in Honor. This could be the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Grey and pink? Seriously? And what's with the leather mini-bra just taped on to the middle? This dress is too much of a mess for me to even know where to begin. It's a crime against humanity. But then again, so is her show.
Julianne Hough in Jenny Packham. A see-through dress that makes you look like you're wearing your granny panties on laundry day coupled with an off-the-shoulder look? Epic fail.
Claire Danes in Armani. This might be the best of the worst. It's just the wrong dress. On someone as fair-skinned as her, it looks ridiculous, also it looks bulky and it's way too low cut. I'm not to excited about the trimming either. Bad choice, but not the worst choice.
Anna Faris in Monique Lhuillier. Usually one of my favorite designers, but this dress has gone ape shit. It's far too prom night, and the mustard yellow color looks like something that glows under a black light. Coupled with retro Bettie Page bangs and a far too high of a slit, this was a disaster. My eyes hurt.
Betsey Brandt in what might have been the worst look of the night. I have no idea who designed this dress, quite frankly I'm convinced she picked it up at a Ross on the way to the awards because it is beyond hideous. The color washes her out, it's far from being age appropriate and makes her look like a stepford wife. Also, what the hell is up with the bouffant hairdo? It's just a mess all the way around.
Lena Headley in Alessandra Rich. This bitch keeps making my Worst dressed list all the time, keep at it girl, you're not getting any better. And she's an intelligent, refined woman, what is she thinking every time her stylist gives her advice? A high-slit see-through dress with nothing but what looks like black spanx to cover up your nether-regions? And white shoes? You look like you're dressing up as a dominatrix to a Halloween party thrown by Frat boys.
Also before we end this, I would just like to express my disdain that not one celebrity rocked a Zuhair Murad this season. He's the hottest designer on the planet right now, and being dressed by him is an honor. I can't believe it's been since J-Lo at last years Oscars that we've seen him on the red carpet. No fair.
If you saw the Emmy's last night, I hope you had a good nap. Everything was predictable and drab and the 'meat parade' wasn't even interesting fashion wise. So there was really one award that I gave two fucks about, and deep in my heart I knew that it would never come to pass that Benedict Cumberbatch win for Best Actor in a Mini-Series for the Sherlock episode; A Scandal in Belgravia because the Emmy's never rewards serious talent. I mean think about it, go ahead give me a cantankerous example. I'm waiting with affixed anticipation.
Sherlock meets Irene for the first time.
Like we already didn't know that Breaking Bad would sweep and Damian Lewis and Claire Danes were going to win it for Homeland YET AGAIN. Why don't you just replay old Emmy tapes ABC, so we don't have to get all worked up over nothing every year. But this year, I thought things might be different. From across the pond we had a representative from probably the best show in the BBC cannon ever (yes, better than Downton Abbey) and for you stupid bitches out there, Downton Abbey doesn't even count because it's in the ITV cannon. Booyah! I'm talking, of course, about the brilliant conceived and masterfully written modernization of the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle classics of Sherlock Holmes, appropriately titled Sherlock and staring as its titular character, perhaps one of the most enigmatic, layered, intelligent, not to mention sexy as sex having sex with sex actor, Benedict Cumberbatch.
'This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!' - Mycroft Holmes
That's not why I'm upset. The Emmy's don't really give a shit about the Brits too much unless you're Damien Lewis or Judi Dench, but if you've ever watched Sherlock, particularly A Scandal in Belgravia, you'll feel my pain. Based on 'A Scandal in Bohemia' it is the only love story in the Conan Doyle cannon where Sherlock is threatened by someone who he is not only weakened by in his sexual attraction to her, but is also threatened by her wit and imagination. The character I'm speaking about is of course Irene Adler. Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss immediately decided that for their version, Irene would be a dominatrix. Why? Search me, but they made it work brilliantly.
Sherlock is essentially an asexual character. Cumberbatch even talks about the process of losing a few stones even though he didn't have to so that Sherlock would be perceived as a man who indulges in no usual human pleasures; food, sex, Toddler's in Tiaras, etc.
Even as a child, 'A Scandal in Bohemia' was always my favorite, not because it's a love story in a cannon of horror and thriller, but it allowed me to see Sherlock as sexually vulnerable and I guess human for the first time, and the tension Conan Doyle creates between the two is enough for you to hit puberty in front of the book right there and then.
From Irene's website which offers 'recreational scolding'
Lara Pulver plays the dominatrix Irene, who informs basically the Royal Family that she has compromising photographs of a member of the Royal Family 'a young female person' gee I wonder who could it be...(It's either Beatrice or Eugenie for you idiots out there). Therefore they snap into action, calling an old friend; Mycroft Holmes (Gatiss) who in turn calls on his talents of his younger brother Sherlock and his partner Dr. John Watson to get the photographs back. What ensues is a powerplay fit only for a dominatrix and her client and the two do fall into some kind of weird British love, that is never stated but totally understood and acknowledged, even though they seem to hate each other throughout, so if Sherlock ever had sex, I'm sure it was with words, and he got off quite a few times.
the classiest dominatrix that side of the pond. Sherlock's intellectual and problem-solving equal.
Now, on to the real bullshit sandwich I have to swallow. The Costner; the Cous-Cous; KC and the Sunshine band, whatever. He has a track record for usurping awards that clearly don't belong to him. Um do we all remember the Dances With Wolves (1990) fiasco where it beat out Goodfellas (1990) in every single category? Because I'm still healing from those wounds and I was six at the time. His show; Hatfields and McCoys is utterly boring. It's streaming on Netflix, I'm a history buff, I thought I'd give it a shot, turned it off or fell asleep within 15 minutes. I can't remember exactly which, all I know is I wanted it gone. Why the fuuuuuuuuuuuck are we still giving him awards? He has a line of Oscars in his garage so that they reflect light and he can see if a car is coming up behind him. He has enough golden calves if you know what I mean, and no I'm not getting all religious on your ass. But if there's not some kind of acknowledgment that this was a bad decision, I might get a bit religious and pray for biblical plagues to rain down on Los Angeles to set them straight. Ok I'm done for now. Please watch A Scandal in Belgravia if you haven't yet. It's free, when you do, you'll agree with me, of that I have no question.
So by now my fellow film buffs and gay community, you've heard about the fiasco coming straight-to-video as a sequel (Showgirls 2: Pennies from Heaven) released two days ago, to the masterpiece that is Showgirls (1996). I was discussing this with a friend from work recently and he asked me if I love the film ironically or unironically, and I said I loved it unironically, it is truly one of my favorite films of that decade and I never tire of watching it. With a masterful director like Paul Verhoeven, this glitzy, campy, vaudevillian, T&A fatwa was just what the film industry needed back then, and kind of what it needs now with filmmakers taking themselves way too seriously (Are you hearing me Nicolas Winding Refn?)
the pool scene is utterly classic in it's over-the-top ridiculousness
There are also just classic film moments that will never be unetched from our memories. The pool scene for example, calling every Versace you see in a window a Versayce, spelling MGM backwards and so on. I mean the memories and moments that you carry with you from this film are priceless and the drinking games don't hurt either.
'Can you spell MGM backwards I bet ya can!'
Now on to my biggest point, to parody a parody is just so meta it's stupid. Showgirls is already basically All About Eve (1950) in Vegas with tits, and it works, why fuck all that up and tarnish its legacy. And there will be no cameo appearances by any of the principal cast which made the film which pisses me off, probably because they are all pissed off that this catastrophe has even been greenlit. You only catch lightning in a bottle once, and Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle Maclachlan, and Gena Gershon all knew that this was going to be something that whether you loved or hated, you remembered, and you'd probably tell you children about...shamefully, or not depending on the kind of person you are.
Speaks for itself.
The original is just so brilliant in so many ways, in effect it's an over-the-top campy story about a struggling young girl who just wants to break into show business no matter what it takes, it just pushes it to places that Burlesque (2011), Chicago (2002), and all the Step Up movies weren't able to go. This is mostly due to the fearlessness and devil-may-care attitude of Dutch filmmaker Paul Verhoeven who understood that any publicity is good publicity, and more importantly the 'worse' the film was and the more it aggravated and shocked people, the more chances it had of becoming a huge cult phenomenon...and it did. I mean, if you don't like this movie or have a problem with it, you're just an idiot in my book, and I'm sorry if that came out harsh but really. Stop taking yourself so seriously.
Showgirls FTW
My friend and co-worker was intuitive enough to post this to the website that I work for, which basically explains my whole point in GIF's. Here it is: 11 Gif reasons why 'Showgirls 2' will never be as good as 'Showgirls 1' (NSFW). And he's got a point, to really understand what I'm trying to say just go on iTunes and rent it just one more time. It's the Citizen Kane (1941) of cult classics, and it has stood the test of time brilliantly all the while doing an erotic dance on a stripper pole and then licking it. I'll leave you with some clips too, just to give you a taste of how good it once was. Go ahead and throw that viewing party where everyone has to come dressed as an incarnation of Chrystal or Nomi, but remember kids, I get to be Nomi...I even have a Versayce!
Clips below, go ahead and take your pants off and get nostalgic...or you know whatever.
As Vanity Fair usually does, I've made a really short list of up and comers (no pun intended) that are sure to make both men and women swoon pretty damn soon, if they haven't already. Move over Skinny-legs McGee (Kristen Stewart) and Jockface Thick-neck (Channing Tatum), it's time for a new crop of sexy bitches to waltz over the silver screen and prove they've got the goods in more ways than one.
Claire Julien (age 19). She's already made a name for herself as a supporting player in both The Bling Ring (2013) and The Dark Knight Rises (2013) whilst continuing a very successful modeling career. She looks like a healthy version of Kate Moss heroin chic from the 90's, and now she's proven she has acting chops. I'm excited to see what she does next.
Xavier Samuel (age 29). This Aussie hunk of man-meat has actually been in the game for a while, but mostly in Australia, ornly garnering notice since he appeared in one of the Twilight films, and if I tell you which one you would lose respect for me for knowing so I'm not gonna. So far he's been called the best thing about the upcoming film Adore (2013), and when your co-stars are Naomi Watts and Robin Wright that's quite the feat. He'll also be starring in Catherine Hardwicke's new film opposite Emily Browning called Plush (2013).
Marine Vacth (age 23). This stunning French exotic beauty is already making good choices by making her first starring role in a Francois Ozon film where she plays an underage prostitute. The film, her, and her filmmaker all won praise for their efforts at Cannes, and she looks like she could be taking Eva Green's place as reigning hot bitch of France pretty soon. I smell Bond Girl all over her.
Dane DeHaan (age 27). With that junkie charm, and a real talent for sensual expression, he's making waves in what's bound to be the definitive indie film of this year; Kill Your Darlings (2013) where he plays Allen Ginsberg's (Daniel Radcliff) lover, Lucien Carr, while also getting notice for his role in A Place Beyond the Pines (2013). He has that Pete Doherty/River Pheonix dangerous element to him, with talent to boot. Bad boys are always sexy.
Michelle Williams will be the next Sally Bowles. I may never be the same again.
It's bad enough that Michelle Williams and all of her quiet courageous talent or as I like to call it under-acting had to take down one of my favorite screen and pop culture icons with the sweaty piece of turd that was My Week with Marilyn (2011), but now, she's gone too far people. I am THIS close to rioting. What that would entail is me printing out a very large flag with Liza Minnelli's face on it, putting on a t-shirt that says 'no one fucks with Bob Fosse' and screaming through the LA streets like a deranged lunatic and I very well might. A very good friend of mine (though I seriously considered strangling her were we on the same side of the country) sent me news that Michelle Williams will be playing the iconic role of Sally Bowles. I. Want. To. Vomit. Murder. Punch Something. In that order. Here's the damned article Michelle Williams to Make Broadway Debut in ‘Cabaret’
When I'm through, then I'm through...and I'm through...tootdle-oo.
Yes, she's not doing a remake of the film (if that were the case, I would be in the paper tomorrow with blood on my hands) but still. And yes there have been many Sally Bowles on stage, but none match the brilliance with which Liza was able to execute it. It's the role she was born to play, and it's the role we (at least most of us) all tend to associate with her, except if you're a hardcore Arrested Development fan. There is ONE Sally Bowles, just like there's one fucking King of Siam and that's Yul Brynner, therefore the former is Liza. As a proud gay man I will say that without reserve. And there was never a greater pairing between Liza Minnelli and Bob Fosse (discounting Liza Minnelli and Roy Halston). Fosse directed her to her Academy Award, won one himself for Best Director (a huge feat considering his biggest competition that year was F. F. Coppolla for The Godfather). I am seriously beside myself. I've read the Isherwood story 'I Am a Camera' which was adapted by Kander and Ebb (NYU alums what, what) into the musical 'Cabaret', which under the brilliant direction and choreography of Bob Fosse cemented its status as one of the most innovative and unique plays that ever danced across the Broadway stage. When the film adaptation premiered in 1971, lines to get into the theaters in New York were 6 blocks long. The work was so highly original and brilliantly executed, and everyone was basically born for the job they did.
The dream team; Liza and Bob Fosse take a break between takes.
And again, coming back to the apex of this whole thing. Liza was born to play Sally Bowles. No other person before or since has done it remotely better or should even be considered...or remembered. I've never seen such a fusion of actor and character. It's as if they were the same person, which they kind of were when you think about it.
Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey proudly hold up their Oscars in triumph especially considering Joel Grey beat out the entire supporting cast of The Godfather (1971)
And dear Liza, you in your black silk strap-on pantyhose, bowler hat, and under-lashes will always remain in my memory. Michelle go fuck yourself with something hard and sand-papery. Stop taking on roles that are clearly too big for your bland personality. Stick to shit like Blue Valentine (2009) where you just sulk for 2 hours straight. You're a great sulker. You don't fuck with a masterpiece. And if the next news I hear is that she's in a remake of Eyes Wide Shut (1999) opposite Liam Hemsworth, I'm definitely shooting the messenger that time.
Something that belongs on Girls Gone Wild not the stage of the VMA's...or any stage for that matter.
I know what you're thinking, hell has frozen over indefinitely now that I'm comparing Miley Cyrus to Edie Sedgwick, but a friend of mine talked me into it and insisted I refer to him as the smartest most articulate person I've ever known. I know him from grad school, and it's not far from the truth actually. Anyway, back to this, which could be like riding a psychotic horse to a burning stable but we'll see how it goes. Robin Thicke, in many ways can be seen as a sort of Warholian figure, and his video for 'Blurred Lines' if not for Pharrell's funky beats, and hashtags, and use of well...color and sound, could easily have been a Warhol film from the 60's.
the only thing gratuitous about this video is the exploitation.
Warhol almost always used naked actors and actresses, but calling them actors is a bit of a stretch.
If we're talking about exploitation, gratuitous nudity and implied sex that is not actually pornographic in any way, that's basically the recipe of every Warhol film (discounting Empire (1964)). He's a voyeur in a sense that he controls but does not participate. This is how he compares to Robin Thicke, which could be to do with him being a married man, (WHA??) but still that's the vibe that he gives off. And consider he sang little more than two lines at his VMA performance which still has people everywhere cringing, we can liken him to a Warholian-type voyeuristic pleasure seeker, way better than his original nickname which was; total fucking idiot.
Besides that thought, this is exactly the kind of thing Warhol would have loved, being the VMA performance that made everyone do a quick dash to the bathroom for a hurl and a half. It was at its utmost pure exploitation, and especially exploitation of the seemingly vulnerable. It really sickens me to liken Miley Cyrus to Edie Sedgwick, but it's a probability that I can't sidestep. Let's examine the similarities and not the differences. Sedgwick had what we like to refer to as a 'predatory father', we can also say the same for Miley. Yes, he's funny and weird, and a stage-dad/dad-a-ger what ever you want to call him, but his presence makes him seem rather creepy and always put her in the position of what Edie basically was which was a poor-little-rich-girl. She cemented her kinderwhore style at the VMA's by performing basically like a child dizzy on lemonade who just had their first wet dream. And even though she's 20, old enough to vote, but not old enough to rent a car or buy alcohol, we still see her as the young and innocent Disney product even though she's desperately been trying to break the mold. And still, acting like a hyper-sexualized kid is not what's going to do it. You either take the plunge and go full on sexually aware woman on everyone like Britney or Christina, or you stay in the Disney bubble forever and get all Mickey Rooney towards the end, and that's just sad for everybody.
What Miley symbolizes as a 'child' is similar to what Edie symbolized in her innocence amongst a sea of perverts, vagrants, and lost souls of the factory when she showed up on the scene. Not much older than Miley (22) when Warhol first took her in, it was a big change in the tempo. She resembled a small beautiful boy, almost like a Greek cherub minus the fat arms, who was going to lead everyone into the light. Unfortunately, Edie's dark side was far more morose than anyone had every anticipated and she quickly began to self destruct. It appears that the same is happening with Miley, whoever her Warholian figure is at the time, will eventually lead to her destruction, because behaving like a child whilst exploiting yourself as a full fledged sexual creature is no fun for anyone to watch. That's basically why Warhol's films are so uncomfortable to sit through.
I hate to admit it, but at the VMA's Miley did tend to resemble Edie to some degree, but only in physicality. That's where I draw the line.
If that performance reminds me of anything, it's of Warhol's Beauty #2 (1965), where Edie and another Warhol superstar; Gino Piserchio are sitting on a large bed while off-camera, a menacing voice asks Edie increasingly personal and hostile questions, while Gino keeps trying to get it on with her. That film was the essence of exploitation, particularly exploitation of innocence. And in a way, that's exactly what Miley's performance was, though perhaps she was the one who was pushing herself into all of these awkward situations, it begs the question; why are we so uncomfortable right now?
Warhol once famously said; 'if someone wants to make a movie on their life, you can do one or two, or three, for as long as they remain interesting'. Perhaps that's what's happening to Miley. She's desperate to remain in the spotlight, and is doing whatever she can, even self-exploitation (a very Warholian concept) in order to achieve it. In this sense she's more like Ingrid Superstar, and Edie clone (I don't have time to give you the history, look her up) in that she's desperately trying to be something she's not because she knows it will make her famous, or keep her famous, if only for a short period of time.
Warhol never seemed to want people to have genders, or sexuality, he wanted them to be ambiguous and yet objects of sexual desire. Edie, if you haven't noticed by now, was fraught with sexuality, even though she dressed herself up like a little boy just out of ballet practice. While on the completely opposite side of the spectrum Miley is doing her utmost to prove that she's peaked in sexual maturity. But twerking up on a 36 year old man while stick your tongue out Gene Simmons style is only going to turn people off instead of turning them on, which is what Edie was capable of doing just sitting on a stool smoking a long cigarette.
Miley's been trying too hard for years now. Remember her dancing on an stripper pole (ahem excuse me, ice cream stand pole) a couple years back to 'Party in the USA'? I don't even remember if that was the VMA's or the Teen Choice awards or some such garbage, I just remember, again, being grossed out.
Which brings me to a very interesting point. in 2000, the bar was set way high by another teen idol and former Disney product; Miss Britney Spears who was all of 19 (a year younger than Miley at the time) when she performed 'Oops...I Did It Again' which basically skyrocketed her from teeny-bopper pig-tailed jail-bait to a full fledged woman with abs that won't quit, messy sex hair, and the best damn hip-hop choreography of the that era. She ripped off her retro suit to expose a scantily clad glitter two-piece costume, basically her own version of the infamous 'skin and beads' dress Marilyn Monroe performed in when she sang Happy Birthday to President Kennedy. She owned the night that night, and people took notice that she was no longer Britney Spears with double braids and a catholic school girl uniform. She was a woman now, and she knows exactly how to move herself around. She's a sexually aware being, and get the fuck out of her way or she'll lock step your ass into the background where you belong.
Miss Spears owning it at the 2000 VMA's. Every girl watching was staring at her in awe wishing that was them up there.
Miley's choreography (which I'm sure she conceived herself) was basically her trying to be hip-hop and burlesque through the cheeseball filter all at once, and it was the most embarrassing thing I've literally ever seen. Smacking your back-up dancers, twerking on a middle aged man, and pretending your ridiculous foam finger is a giant dong is not dancing. Miley, you are no Britney, you are no Edie, you are a wannabe superstar at best, you should Google 'Ingrid Superstar' if you're reading this. Just like you, she was poor white trash from bumblefuck nowhere whom someone greater than them turned into a phenomenon, but for only those famed 15 minutes. And honey, you're clock is ticking. There's a difference between slutty and sexy, between the obscene and the erotic, the vulgar and the enticing, and Warhol was always interested in the latter. No matter how gratuitous and nudity-filled his films were, they were seldom vulgar, and if they were, it was intentional. Miley's performance was nothing short of disgusting, and Warhol, were he alive right now, wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole.
